Aeo Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Alright - so let me begin simply. I'm an 18 year old female who is, admittedly, very self-aware. Well, on just about anything but this. All throughout my life, I have led people to believe that I'm a very sexually driven person, it's just in my personality, my mannerisms and overall how I act. It's how I have covered a very unfortunate fact about myself over all of these years. I've had a lot of boyfriends, trying with each one to see if there is any sort of spark or interest there, but with each one of them, it's as if I'm only using them as a cuddle pet. When I try and get into an intimate situation, it's as if a switch is flipped and suddenly, there is nothing there. From playful to just...bleh. I was honestly content in hiding this, and had reserved myself to the eternal life of a single person (as I had no desire for marriage or long-standing relationships) when I met and started dating someone who I really, really love. The only problem is that, this problem is recurring even now. There is no desire for sex. I have talked to someone about this, who referred me to this site. I spent a while reading the website and the links, and I feel that maybe asexuality would be the correct term to define me, but when I professed this to the two most important people in my life, I got two very different reactions. My boyfriend took it beautifully, suggesting only at first that I was perhaps a late bloomer until I explained things out a little more clearly. I think he might still be assuming I'm a late bloomer (but, at 18?). In either case, he accepted me for it, and promised to stand by me... I expressed the same to my best, dearest and oldest friend...who assured me that I wasn't one, or that I was celibate or me, he kept making up excuses instead of listening to me. I couldn't believe what he said, but after all that has happened to me, I don't know how else to describe myself. Am I just looking for another word to hide myself behind, or could I really be asexual? I love to fantasize, but when it comes to actions, I find it repulsive. I'm fine with kissing and cuddling, and I know that I love my boyfriend, but even when he tries to do something sexual, I get frustrated because no matter how hard I try, I just can't get turned on. It might be a little too much info, but I'm actually still a virgin, and I have a mind to keep it that way for a while. Could it just be that I'll be like this until I'm not a virgin? I'm sorry if I'm babbling by this point, I'm usually not that bad, I'm just so confused! I've read the sites and the message board, but I don't know why I just can't seem to add 2 and 2 together... Sheesh, maybe this is why I failed math (joke xD). Link to post Share on other sites
hornmeister Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Hello Aeo, I to am a recent arrival this most magical of places!! Welcome to AVEN (Apparently it is custom to give cake to newcomers!) Any ways, I have read your post and know that you are not alone. I am nineteen years old, male, and while I am attracted to women it is in a purely nonsexual way. I personally can connect deeply and can form an intimate relationship if there is an element of intellectual sympathy, but the actual act of sex vaguely disgusts me. As such, I absolutely understand what you are going through. I still ask myself if I am asexual, and honestly, you are wasting your time trying to find a label, in the sense that you are you, and how is it possible to describe all that you are in one word? I am not saying you are not asexual, I am just saying you should be open with yourself about the way you feel and surround yourself with very understanding people as you go through this process of self-discovery. I say this because the definition of asexuality is so broad, and there are so many subcurrents in the community. As long as you know what you want and are comfortable with, that is all that matters. I posted up a similar topic under "Can anybody relate?" and their replies might help you in some way as well. It sounds to me like your boyfriend is a true friend, and is genuinely interested in you for you. Sounds like a solid foundation for a relationship frankly. However, your friend, on the other hand, sounds like with all due respect like she needs to get a clue. You must live your life as you wish to live. Don't ever let people pressure you into engaging in activities you are not comfortable with. This friend is certainly failing you here. You should never be made to feel guilty for feelings which you genuinely harbor. I understand bad reactions, as my best friends continuously push me to go to strip clubs, want to set up blind dates, accuse my of homosexual tendencies, etc. In fact, most people think I am because I am very emotional for a male, so I face discrimination on both fronts. The key is to be confident enough in yourself to know what you want in life, what you are content with, and to know that you are constantly changing as a person, and that is totally ok! I believe you have found a very good place to find people to help you with your situation, and again, my best advice is life live to the fullest, and don't worry about labels. You are, and that is enough. Best wishes to you and I hope your relationship works out! PS. You might want to refer him to this website, share the info with him. Communication is key in any relationship, and it might help him to take asexuality as a genuine sexual orientation. Link to post Share on other sites
Aeo Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 Thank you, friend. All that you're saying tends to be my philosophy on life, "I'm the best and only me that I can be." But, throughout my life, I have always had a clue what's going on with me. When something new happened, I knew what it was and how to handle it. I had to, just because I relied on myself so much. So, I think that half the reason I'm so confused and anxious about all this, is because this diverges from the view I had of me, and I'm insecure about myself for the first time. I don't know what's going on, and I don't know what to do about it. My friend is...well, I don't know. I have never seen him act like that before. It was as if he instantaneously said "Bullshit." I started the conversation by asking him if he knew what an asexual person was, and he said that he didn't know. I went on to tell him a bit about it, and told him how I felt, and told him that I was celibate and this and that, like he was a sudden expert on someone I had just told him for the first time less than five minutes before. I like your advice on sending my boyfriend here. I will definitely do that. And, I think I'll have my friend look this over too, because the explanations here are better than anything that I could do. I hope that he takes it OK. Both of them. Thanks again, and you may be a new member, but that really does help. I think that I've found a good home here. <3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gotanks0407 Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 its hard for any sexual to understand any concept of asexuality, it seems dont expect them to understand it, especially the second person whole is obviously very close minded. and you defiantly sound asexual to me edit: i missed the first and second post. and i heard you use celibate... you are certainly not celibate as your an asexual not wanting sex instead of what a celibate is celibate- a sexual desiring sex but waiting or not having it, possibly waiting for the right person of sorts Link to post Share on other sites
Amcan Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Welcome. If you wish to use the label asexual, feel free. Learning about yourself is one of the things AVEN is good for. It is hard for sexual people to understand the concept of asexuality, especially as it's a relatively new term. But your boyfriends seems ro have a generally psotive repsonse which is good. Hope you enjoy AVEN. Link to post Share on other sites
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