What it feels like to be trans, genderqueer or genderless

[idekrncidc231]

Hm. It's like... These things are in my way I want them gone! *glares D-cup chest annoyed* but otherwise I'm fine with the body I'm in, but I dont feel or want to be a woman nor do I feel or want to be a man. Then again, I don't feel in-between I dont feel sub or middle or anything. I feel nothing at all. Like an angel trapped in mortal flesh of a female body. I am me. I am chained, but it's alright. I can live in this body and be a woman until I die and have no human gendered body anymore. I am genderless. I may go to my spirit name even. .... Maybe. Yet... Hm...

[Finn.]

I really like the "I am a person trapped in a society that assigns gender without consultation" somebody used in the beginning of this thread.

I was assigned female at birth and didn't question this for, I don't know, the first 21 years of my life? I didn't experience severe dysphoria, and my mental health problems were quite distracting.

As soon as I heard of "genderqueer" I liked the term but didn't dare to really identify with it because I didn't feel "trans enough". It was only last year that I finally allowed myself to dig deeper.

I more and more realized that I feel pretty close to agender, but my gender tends to fluctuate (which is confusing).

Sometimes I wish I didn't have boobs or at least small ones that I could hide, or I dislike my voice. (I think with a more androgynous looking body I would like to paint my nails and such but this way it just feels too feminine.) But I feel way better about my body since I had my hair cut short six months ago.

Otherwise the only dysphoria I get is because other people (mis)gender me. I am out to just a few people. Using my chosen name and they pronouns amongst friends gives me gender euphoria.

Oh, and I also mostly use the male/neutral versions of words in German when referring to myself. I even did that when I wasn't yet questioning. It's really interesting to me.

[darknova42]

I was born bio-male, raised as a boy and treated as such. I'm still trying to figure out if any labels apply to me, at the moment I'm more or less "agender-male".

I've always felt a vague sense of being different. I never really had a name for it, I just know what it feels like.

I don't want to wear a dress or make up. I'm not particularly fond of pink or lace or any other stereotypical feminine attire etc. In highschool especially "car talk" was like a completely separate language I didn't understand. I've no interest in sports. Also, when hanging out with guys it felt like I was some kind of anthropologist studying a foreign culture.

I can remember hanging out in my older sister's room and thinking the posters and other decorations were cool and just the fact that there were such things as teen magazines for girls made me jealous. In a way I denied myself thinking "oh, cool! Oh wait its girl stuff". I would use my tiny GI Joe action figures to play barbies. I do like action movies, explosions, violence, martial arts, and a bunch of guy stuff. I'm heterosexual. I admire and would like a fit physique(Brad Pitt from fight club).

Those are just some examples. Sometimes it is hard to even be sure of my gender identity because I seem to ride the line of "close but not quite".

When I look at women I feel an almost instinctual subconscious sense of difference, "Ah, that's a cat. I'm not that." Ergo when I look at men I should have the opposite feeling "Look, fellow dogs!" Except I feel the same sense of difference. When hanging out with guys I feel like a platypus masquerading as a dog. Very out of place. I grew up with 3 sisters. So I'm more comfortable with women. I've always had more female friends than male. In 2nd grade my bff was a girl and we had sleep overs. The closest friends I've ever had are female. When guys talk or joke about not understanding women it used to confuse me, "What? You don't get what it means when she asks what you're thinking? Really?"

I don't feel attached to my sex. If I woke up female tomorrow my reaction would be "Hey! My dick is gone!? I was using that for stuff- oh! Hey, boobs, nice". I don't feel a need to conform, with clothes/accessories if its useful, comfortable, or I just like the look of it then I'll use it or wear it. Not just because its masculine or feminine. I've considered transitioning. I decided against it mainly because I could consider the pros and cons of it so rationally. No part of me felt like I needed it to be me.

I do experience a little dysphoria. A metaphor to describe it would be like wanting your favorite sandwich for lunch. A BLT. Bacon, lettuce, and tomato. You know what should be in it and expect that. However, when you take your first bite; bacon, lettuce, tomato..... and cheese? It still tastes ok. You're hungry, so you'll eat it. Its just not a BLT. Almost. Another way to put it is like looking in the mirror and realizing you're still wearing a halloween costume. I see myself in there, I recognize me, I just look a little off. Like there's an extra layer.

As far as sexuality goes, I'd say that women tend to have those features and qualities I'm attracted to. My definition of women just doesn't have fuck all to do with biological sex. Even then just today I realized the thought "oh, he's cute" ran through my head for, as far as I know, the first time (I was a little disappointed at how much of a non-reaction I had to it. "Oh shi- huh... well I guess that happened?"). I'm pretty sure everyone is at least 2% gay/lesbian anyway.

[Punable]

Eh, for me, it's just like...

In a wold of apples and oranges, I'm a banana. Don't know how it happened, but it did. I'm still a fruit, just...a different one to most.

Are bananas even fruits? Do they have seeds inside?

Um...anyway, yeah. Being also raised as a boy, I was always just so...bored.

"Hey, you wanna go and play football with the guys?" No thanks.

"Hey, you wanna go watch this new movie that came out? It's got, like, action heroes and stuff." I'm good, thanks.

"You're a pussy." Gee, I love cats!

The thought of being in women's clothes excited me...but it didn't exactly go well when I tried it. Long story.

No, I didn't feel like a woman, but being a male wasn't who I felt like. I was scared for a long time, hating the thought of not knowing who I was.

To be honest, I still don't. But I don't care anymore.

Dysphoria? Yes and no. I feel like my dick's not MEANT to be there, but I don't mind it being there. It's not doing any harm ^_~

And I feel like I should end it with sexuality as the last guy did, so...I'M HERE, I'M QUEER, MY GENDER'S NOT CLEAR! ^_^

[Nylocke]

When I came here quite some time ago, learning that I'm asexual was like a mini-awakening. As of recently though, I've looked into trans* more heavily than I ever have, if at all. I must say... this like on a whole different level from coming to terms with asexuality. I could be making it all up in my head for all I know, but after reading so many things about trans*, especially MtF personal accounts, it seems like it makes sense for me. The reason I have some doubts is because I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that trans* all have very different ways they come to this realization than I initially thought. Embarrassingly, I thought in order to be trans*, you had to just FEEL it or just KNOW it at a young age, especially around puberty. Since I have very little memory of my puberty phase, and not having those brain bursts, I never thought of trans* being for me. However, the more I've been reading thus far this past week, things just click more and more.

Often times, I relate strongly to female characters, like Asuka from Evangelion, or Korra from Legend of Korra over Aang. I've often chosen 9/10 times a female character in RPG games because it just felt right, and allowed me to be naturally be more invested in the story/decisions I made vs playing as a male character that felt too distracting and... seemed weird/comical? When it comes to music, my preference are female singers! Their voices are soooo... ugh, hard to describe, but I really tend to feel jealous of their voice and wish to have it for myself as well.

Lastly, I've often wondered how my life as a female would be like, and in those thoughts, it makes me feel happier, because I think I'd be happier as one! All my life so far, I've always gotten haircuts because people around me made me feel obligated to get short haircuts since it made me look more like a guy. I secretly hated this, but never could pinpoint into words WHY I felt this way. Why did I hate to look more like a male? Why did I feel bad for not expressing, "No, I don't want a haircut and want to let my hair grow out some." For the first time in my life, I think I've come to the conscious conclusion that I've been repressing the femininity within me. It would seem to explain why I've thought that there was something off about me, why I felt so awkward being a guy and how I move within this body.

THAT SAID, I understand what I just wrote pretty much isn't... I guess valid until I talk to a therapist. I don't have the means to make that happen currently, as my family depends on me financially. I want to move away and live for myself so badly and explore this new epiphany more intimately. Like... I wanna train my voice to sound more feminine now... but too embarrassed to do so in this small house and family around. Maybe one day...

Wow it was interesting how you said you related to many famale characters. I actually relate to more male characters myself. The only female character I relate to is Shana from Shakugan no Shana !!

[Toothlesss]

Often times, I relate strongly to female characters, like Asuka from Evangelion, or Korra from Legend of Korra over Aang. I've often chosen 9/10 times a female character in RPG games because it just felt right, and allowed me to be naturally be more invested in the story/decisions I made vs playing as a male character that felt too distracting and... seemed weird/comical? When it comes to music, my preference are female singers! Their voices are soooo... ugh, hard to describe, but I really tend to feel jealous of their voice and wish to have it for myself as well.

In the same way, I've always related to male characters more often than female. I guess it depends on the media and what happens.

When I watched Legend of Korra, I related to her. When I watch How to Train Your Dragon and the sequel, I relate well to Hiccup. I guess it goes 50/50 either way for me, because them being a man or women in their fictional world isn't related to the reasons I relate to them..I think.

For myself- I don't feel any gender one way or the other. I'm lucky I have small breasts- if they get much bigger I could see myself having dysphoria over it. :( .

[Nylocke]

https://youtu.be/j7Gh2n9kPuA

"I wasn't born in the wrong body, I was born in the wrong world"

You are the same as me Alok ...

[ChillaKilla]

^ Are you referencing Alok from DarkMatter? I love them...

[Plectrophenax]

I was born bio-male, raised as a boy and treated as such.

I had an interesting discussion recently with someone who does not identify as genderqueer or anything beyond cis, but recalled wanting to wear a dress to first grade because he thought they looked comfy and pretty. His parents didn't let him for fear of being bullied because that particular gendered expectation is simply too ingrained in our society. However, he couldn't really give me any example of anything character-based that is equally entrentched, at least when it comes to children's behaviour as it is, in a way, 'moulded' by parents and environments.

My experience overall is not dissimilar to yours, but I would not say that I was "raised as a boy". I'm not even really sure what that's supposed to mean. I was raised relative to my sex where it applied, as shouldn't be surprising nor stifling, but aside from that I have never been told by anyone related to raising me that 'boy' was an adjective that I had to adopt to [as opposed to being purely descriptive of myself no matter what I do].

So if I may ask you - and others who have said something similar, since it seems to be a common experience - what exactly do you mean by being "raised as a boy"? Were you trimmed and directed towards certain fields of interest? Were your naturally arising inclinations deliberately stunted in favour of interest that were deemed to be more proper? I'm really curious.

[deleted-0004]

deleted

[Nylocke]

^ Are you referencing Alok from DarkMatter? I love them...

They are from a TV show??? Wooow link me up pally :D

Their full name is Alok Vaid-Menon :P

[Emery.]

Plectro,

Actually people's interests are being directed and trimmed as you say, according to their assigned gender. I was not told by my parents what to do, if I wanted they bought me dolls, cars, blocks, crayons and anything, and played with me, and I don't think my family follows traditional gender roles particularily. Grandparents too. But the pressure from peers was immense. Technical interests were passe, science is boring, girls are cooler and are supposed to like literature and art classes, and after classes, don't go to sports clubs or science clubs but arts clubs. See how that works? I was refused and discouraged many times from doing sports, by my parents, because I am a girl. But parents encouraged me greatly to do science too, simply from a practical standpoint that I have a talent for it and it would be a shame if it was wasted. I have seen several girls gifted in maths choosing to study languages over science, because science is "too dry". Is it their choice? Is it a result of pressure that science is unfeminine? I can't know...

[Knight of Cydonia]

I can't wrap my head around the concept of gender. What does it even mean to be feminine or masculine? Are liking makeup and shopping "feminine" qualities? Are liking sports and heavy metal "masculine" qualities? etc. It feels like gender is imposed on us by society. That society (and culture) tells us what is masculine and what is feminine. If gender is indeed socially constructed (at least partly) how do you give yourself a proper label? Do you label yourself in reference to the societal norm? Why should liking something in particular push you around on the gender spectrum?

I don't know what it's like to feel like a "female" or a "male". I just feel like me. I'm female-bodied but on paper I'm a lot more masculine than feminine going by societal norms. I'm in a STEM field (physics/astronomy), I love sports, heavy metal, horror, and sci-fi, I hate chick flicks, rom-coms, and wearing makeup, I like wearing a blazer and tie instead of a dress or skirt, I'm happiest in very "gender-neutral" clothes and my hair is cut short (contributing to me constantly being confused for a guy)... I know I'm being very stereotypical here but I just don't know what that says about myself. Where is the line between gender-non-conforming girl and agender or even male? What am I? No labels feels right to me.

I know I sound very confused, and that's because I am. Oh well... maybe someone here feels the same way as I do.

[Plectrophenax]

I can't wrap my head around the concept of gender. What does it even mean to be feminine or masculine? Are liking makeup and shopping "feminine" qualities? Are liking sports and heavy metal "masculine" qualities? etc. It feels like gender is imposed on us by society. That society (and culture) tells us what is masculine and what is feminine. If gender is indeed socially constructed (at least partly) how do you give yourself a proper label? Do you label yourself in reference to the societal norm? Why should liking something in particular push you around on the gender spectrum?

I know exactly what you mean. The only place I would differ is that, to me, it seems as though individuals are much more involved in upholding these norms than general society. There aren't that many places where societal norms of gender are dominant enough so as to override personal preference completely [in the sense of "imposing traits and values" at least]. There is a huge difference between the idea that men earn money and women look after children [which is a form of societal status quo that is, in so being, taken as something to be adhered to by those who would rather not struggle against the current of 'normalcy'] and the idea that going on a shopping spree is something feminine. It is very possible that both are just generalisations of percieved or established trends, but the latter is far less inhibiting and, I would dare to assume, far less likely to radically impact a person's character than the prior. [And in the cases where it does, since people can be of a weak will, it is less of a problem.]

While I'm at it;

I was not told by my parents what to do, […]

I was refused and discouraged many times from doing sports, by my parents, because I am a girl.

But parents encouraged me greatly to do science too, simply from a practical standpoint that I have a talent for it and it would be a shame if it was wasted.

Your parents seem all over the place. I have to assume that they had pragmatic reasons for their discouraging [maybe they thought the sport in question was too dangerous?] since, if they held you back on that front because you are female, they are a lot more flexible with their gendered preconceptions than most such people I know. The example I mentioned - forbidding a boy to wear a dress to school - was a sanction based on the fear of him being bullied and teased [and because it is not even remotely something done often enough to have 'social legitimacy', even among the particularly eccentric]. It was not made 'because he was a boy' though that is, ultimately, what it boils down to.

But I have to agree with your last three sentences. It is very difficult to determine whether surprisingly commonplace situations - like a female retreating from a traditionally male-dominated field - are due to authentic decision-making and personal evaluation of preferences, or whether they are informed by either actually enforced or at least strongly percieved gender-based expectations leveled at them. Most people I talk to about these things either opt fully for the 'autonomy' option or the 'socialised' one with little to no room for further reflection. Personally, I think it's the prior that is naturally informed by the notion of 'uphill struggle'/'swimming against the current' that is often and rightly associated with breaking new or not frequently treaded ground. Which is, obviously, a shame.

[spunkaloidal]

I read this article about Jack Monroe on The Guardian today. The way she describes her sexuality and non-binary trans perspective hit me very close to home.

I want to be treated as a Person, not a Man or a Woman, Jack Monroe interview

She was, she explained, “non-binary transgender”. She wasn’t transitioning to male. She was transitioning to being neither female nor male, or at least a bit of both.

“You’re transitioning to gender neutral?” I ask her when we meet, trying to make sure I’ve got the terms right.

“Yes. I want to be treated as a person, not as a woman or a man.”

[Emery.]

Plectro, you think people think it's shameful to go against the current? I have never ever felt that. The only thing I ever "felt" about going against the current was others' hostility.

.I'M HERE, I'M QUEER, MY GENDER'S NOT CLEAR! ^_^

*high five*

I love this, ha ha.

[Emery.]

Often times, I relate strongly to female characters, like Asuka from Evangelion, or Korra from Legend of Korra over Aang. I've often chosen 9/10 times a female character in RPG games because it just felt right, and allowed me to be naturally be more invested in the story/decisions I made vs playing as a male character that felt too distracting and... seemed weird/comical? When it comes to music, my preference are female singers! Their voices are soooo... ugh, hard to describe, but I really tend to feel jealous of their voice and wish to have it for myself as well.

In the same way, I've always related to male characters more often than female. I guess it depends on the media and what happens.

When I watched Legend of Korra, I related to her. When I watch How to Train Your Dragon and the sequel, I relate well to Hiccup. I guess it goes 50/50 either way for me, because them being a man or women in their fictional world isn't related to the reasons I relate to them..I think.

For myself- I don't feel any gender one way or the other. I'm lucky I have small breasts- if they get much bigger I could see myself having dysphoria over it. :( .

I'm also a Korra-Hiccups person :D And it doesn't realy matter to me either, the gender of the characters.

[Plectrophenax]

Plectro, you think people think it's shameful to go against the current? I have never ever felt that. The only thing I ever "felt" about going against the current was others' hostility.

Not shameful, no. But the additional strain it implies even at the best of times certainly acts as an inhibitor for many. And part of the uphill struggle is going to be a form of 'surprise' directed against you by peers who are unaccustomed to certain forms of diversity themselves, which can be off-putting as well - especially if it manifests itself, like you seem to have experienced, not just in brief surprise but in lasting hostility.

At least the latter hasn't been the norm in my experience [specifically regarding fields of environmental engineering, environmental sciences and, in part, mathematics].

[COCheetahLeopard]

If you are comfortable being grouped with either or neither genders does that make you nonbianary? Or is it that you don't feel comfortable in either?

[Emery.]

Plectro, you think people think it's shameful to go against the current? I have never ever felt that. The only thing I ever "felt" about going against the current was others' hostility.

Not shameful, no. But the additional strain it implies even at the best of times certainly acts as an inhibitor for many. And part of the uphill struggle is going to be a form of 'surprise' directed against you by peers who are unaccustomed to certain forms of diversity themselves, which can be off-putting as well - especially if it manifests itself, like you seem to have experienced, not just in brief surprise but in lasting hostility.

At least the latter hasn't been the norm in my experience [specifically regarding fields of environmental engineering, environmental sciences and, in part, mathematics].

I don't get those conformist people. Even if I want to give up on something, I can't, really, without becoming depressed.

[Heart]

If you are comfortable being grouped with either or neither genders does that make you nonbianary? Or is it that you don't feel comfortable in either?

Both ways work. The only requirement for being nonbinary is not being binary; that can mean that you feel attached to both binary genders, or unattached to either. Some nonbinary people have genders that are mixtures as well (for example, genderfluid people's gender changes over time), so they may have one of the binary genders and also a nonbinary one, or a mix off the two binary ones, etc. Some people have no gender at all.

It's a very broad term, and often serves as an umbrella term for anyone whose gender does not strictly fit one binary gender or the other.

[Kimmie.]

Often times, I relate strongly to female characters, like Asuka from Evangelion, or Korra from Legend of Korra over Aang. I've often chosen 9/10 times a female character in RPG games because it just felt right, and allowed me to be naturally be more invested in the story/decisions I made vs playing as a male character that felt too distracting and... seemed weird/comical? When it comes to music, my preference are female singers! Their voices are soooo... ugh, hard to describe, but I really tend to feel jealous of their voice and wish to have it for myself as well.

In the same way, I've always related to male characters more often than female. I guess it depends on the media and what happens.

When I watched Legend of Korra, I related to her. When I watch How to Train Your Dragon and the sequel, I relate well to Hiccup. I guess it goes 50/50 either way for me, because them being a man or women in their fictional world isn't related to the reasons I relate to them..I think.

For myself- I don't feel any gender one way or the other. I'm lucky I have small breasts- if they get much bigger I could see myself having dysphoria over it. :( .

I feel in a similar way. Even though i identify as a male i practically idolize ( for a lack of better words) almost everything female and wish i had that. And i don't really care about that thing between my legs. I don't hate it but in the same time would have no problem if i hade to remove it for some medical reason. Actually the thought of not have it down there makes Me somewhat happy.

Sorry did just have vent. And if i offended someone in this i am really sorry and please tell me what i did wrong so it wan't happen again.

Thank you for your time.

[Reese-A]

I'm not sure whether I'm genderless or female (I'm biologically female). Either way there's no dysphoria, so it's not something I've really thought about much before coming to AVEN. I'm not sure how it's supposed to "feel" to be female -- the concept of a gender identity is baffling to me.

Ok, I'm sorry for quoting this post that occurred quite a while ago but this basically put words into what I feel, except that I do have dysphoria but I didn't even realize it until someone brought up the definition of dysphoria a week ago.

[Reese-A]

I'm not sure whether I'm genderless or female (I'm biologically female). Either way there's no dysphoria, so it's not something I've really thought about much before coming to AVEN. I'm not sure how it's supposed to "feel" to be female -- the concept of a gender identity is baffling to me.

Ok, I'm sorry for quoting this post that occurred quite a while ago but this basically put words into what I feel, except that I do have dysphoria but I didn't even realize it until someone brought up the definition of dysphoria a week ago.

[OttRInvy]

I feel in a similar way. Even though i identify as a male i practically idolize ( for a lack of better words) almost everything female and wish i had that. And i don't really care about that thing between my legs. I don't hate it but in the same time would have no problem if i hade to remove it for some medical reason. Actually the thought of not have it down there makes Me somewhat happy.

Sorry did just have vent. And if i offended someone in this i am really sorry and please tell me what i did wrong so it wan't happen again.

Thank you for your time.

As someone who's AFAB, I definitely idolize certain aspects of masculinity.

I have a tendency to look at someone and kind of zone out, which is really troublesome because I'll be looking at a guy and be kind of jealous of how slim his hips are, how tall he is, his "men's" clothing, etc. And if I get caught, immediately my friends will tease me about having a crush. It's kind of hard to deny an accusation when I'm so flustered and my initial response is "I'm not attracted to him, I want to be like him!"

It's really frustrating to like something that other people put the wrong meaning into. But I don't feel comfortable talking about the actual meaning, so for now I just have to deal with it... :/

[Kimmie.]

As someone who's AFAB, I definitely idolize certain aspects of masculinity.

I have a tendency to look at someone and kind of zone out, which is really troublesome because I'll be looking at a guy and be kind of jealous of how slim his hips are, how tall he is, his "men's" clothing, etc. And if I get caught, immediately my friends will tease me about having a crush. It's kind of hard to deny an accusation when I'm so flustered and my initial response is "I'm not attracted to him, I want to be like him!"

It's really frustrating to like something that other people put the wrong meaning into. But I don't feel comfortable talking about the actual meaning, so for now I just have to deal with it... :/

One thing i have realized this summer is that i can get really jealous of womens legs among other things. This in the same time as i am acttracted towards them (without the sex part of course)

You sade that you where jealous towards male clothes? Go for it i see women in more tradional mens clothing all the time.

[Suede (8)]

Before I started my transition I used to go for: my body is female but my brain somehow has "male" engraved in it (:

Now I use: I was born with a regular female body but my brain kept insisting on "I'm male" so I went to the doctor to figure out how to fix the problem and now my body is somewhere between male and female but I'm feeling awesome and looking forward to making it more and more masculine (:

[OttRInvy]

One thing i have realized this summer is that i can get really jealous of womens legs among other things. This in the same time as i am acttracted towards them (without the sex part of course)

You sade that you where jealous towards male clothes? Go for it i see women in more tradional mens clothing all the time.

Yeah, I have a lot of aesthetic attraction for people who are androgynous/masculine. It's a mixture of jealousy and just appreciation of how good they look.

Haha, I have a few reasons I'm hesitant with male clothes. I don't have an auto license yet (just a permit), so any clothes shopping is done with my mom, who gets vaguely upset when I even hint at wanting to try on "men's" clothes. Also, I have a small body for a person in general (5'2", 120 lbs) so finding men's clothes that fit is difficult. Plus, since it's more popular/acceptable for women to wear traditionally men's clothing, a lot of times if I dress the way I want I feel it makes people more prone to mention my gender (which they assume is female). Since it's "ok" for women to wear it, they don't consider I might not be a woman. "Oh, that looks pretty on you! That's a popular style for women isn't it?" "Why are you dressed like a boy?" "Oh, cute! Are you wearing boyfriend jeans?" etc.

Also, sometimes it just makes me feel gross/fake. Like, I put on a men's shirt, and it almost comes as a surprise that I still have a protruding chest? I feel like I look like a crossdresser, a woman trying to be a man, when I'm not either of those things. I'm a person wearing clothes I like. But on my bad days, I can't get away from the feeling that it's all wrong. Masculine clothes just make me think "looks like a woman trying to be something she's not" and feminine clothes make me think "looks like a 'normal' woman... but I'm not one, I know this is a lie."

On those days I just wear t-shirts and baggy jeans/shorts, and try to forget that I have a body.

[Kimmie.]

One thing i have realized this summer is that i can get really jealous of womens legs among other things. This in the same time as i am acttracted towards them (without the sex part of course)

You sade that you where jealous towards male clothes? Go for it i see women in more tradional mens clothing all the time.

Yeah, I have a lot of aesthetic attraction for people who are androgynous/masculine. It's a mixture of jealousy and just appreciation of how good they look.

Haha, I have a few reasons I'm hesitant with male clothes. I don't have an auto license yet (just a permit), so any clothes shopping is done with my mom, who gets vaguely upset when I even hint at wanting to try on "men's" clothes. Also, I have a small body for a person in general (5'2", 120 lbs) so finding men's clothes that fit is difficult. Plus, since it's more popular/acceptable for women to wear traditionally men's clothing, a lot of times if I dress the way I want I feel it makes people more prone to mention my gender (which they assume is female). Since it's "ok" for women to wear it, they don't consider I might not be a woman. "Oh, that looks pretty on you! That's a popular style for women isn't it?" "Why are you dressed like a boy?" "Oh, cute! Are you wearing boyfriend jeans?" etc.

Also, sometimes it just makes me feel gross/fake. Like, I put on a men's shirt, and it almost comes as a surprise that I still have a protruding chest? I feel like I look like a crossdresser, a woman trying to be a man, when I'm not either of those things. I'm a person wearing clothes I like. But on my bad days, I can't get away from the feeling that it's all wrong. Masculine clothes just make me think "looks like a woman trying to be something she's not" and feminine clothes make me think "looks like a 'normal' woman... but I'm not one, I know this is a lie."

On those days I just wear t-shirts and baggy jeans/shorts, and try to forget that I have a body.

I'm sorry i brought it up didn't want you to feel bad. Im not good at things like this.

And even though i consider my self Cis i know that there is something that dosen't feels right about my body. Especially after i started visit this site i have finally begin realize things about my self.

[OttRInvy]

I'm sorry i brought it up didn't want you to feel bad. Im not good at things like this.

And even though i consider my self Cis i know that there is something that dosen't feels right about my body. Especially after i started visit this site i have finally begin realize things about my self.

Oh, it's perfectly ok! I really needed to vent, so it was good for me. :) It's been a rough few months, and I've just started the process of trying to be more authentic when it comes to my gender. But, since I've had all these defense mechanisms I've used all my life to say I'm not "allowed" to do this or that, there's going to be some difficulties along the way. But I'm improving, and once college starts I'll have a bit more freedom to express myself in safe spaces with people who are more understanding/accepting. :)

I think one of the reasons it's hard for me to figure out if I have gender dysphoria is that I have a hard time figuring out why my body doesn't look right when I look in the mirror. Is it low self esteem? Does it have to do with my asexuality (I don't like low cut shirts because other people sexualize my cleavage)? Or is it something that involves my gender?

I'm still figuring stuff out, but AVEN has definitely helped me out too. It makes me feel a lot less like a creep for wanting to wear clothes that I'm "not supposed to." It's also nice to have a place where I know I can go by the pronouns I prefer and things like that. :) I hope AVEN continues to help you learn more about yourself! :D

Before I started my transition I used to go for: my body is female but my brain somehow has "male" engraved in it (:

Now I use: I was born with a regular female body but my brain kept insisting on "I'm male" so I went to the doctor to figure out how to fix the problem and now my body is somewhere between male and female but I'm feeling awesome and looking forward to making it more and more masculine (:

Congratulations, howaboutno! I hope your transition continues to go well. :D