What it feels like to be trans, genderqueer or genderless

[Evren]

To be honest, I wish there was some sort of gender-neutral alternative to "sir/ma'am" since I do Taekwondo and everyone is sir or ma'am there... I might just ask them to call me sir. I've been going there for several years, so I doubt they'd have an overly negative reaction to it, to be honest.

I come to bring joyful news, there is :). Welcome to one of the tumblr pages that I actually like. You can use Mirdam or just Mir, or oh just go look at the page.

http://genderqueeries.tumblr.com/titles

[Heart]

To be honest, I wish there was some sort of gender-neutral alternative to "sir/ma'am" since I do Taekwondo and everyone is sir or ma'am there... I might just ask them to call me sir. I've been going there for several years, so I doubt they'd have an overly negative reaction to it, to be honest.

I come to bring joyful news, there is :). Welcome to one of the tumblr pages that I actually like. You can use Mirdam or just Mir, or oh just go look at the page.

http://genderqueeries.tumblr.com/titles

I'm not going to lie, I chuckled a little at "loveperson" for a significant other... but I guess it works :P But seriously, how did "cuddle buddy" get the description of being cheesy, and not "loveperson"?

*continues to pretend I'm original by calling one of my partners cuddle buddy* I've been calling him cuddle buddy since before it was cool! ;)

[Evren]

To be honest, I wish there was some sort of gender-neutral alternative to "sir/ma'am" since I do Taekwondo and everyone is sir or ma'am there... I might just ask them to call me sir. I've been going there for several years, so I doubt they'd have an overly negative reaction to it, to be honest.

I come to bring joyful news, there is :). Welcome to one of the tumblr pages that I actually like. You can use Mirdam or just Mir, or oh just go look at the page.

http://genderqueeries.tumblr.com/titles

I'm not going to lie, I chuckled a little at "loveperson" for a significant other... but I guess it works :P But seriously, how did "cuddle buddy" get the description of being cheesy, and not "loveperson"?

*continues to pretend I'm original by calling one of my partners cuddle buddy* I've been calling him cuddle buddy since before it was cool! ;)

Lol, that is a query. Loveperson sounds much cheesier than cuddle buddy. :) you got ahead of the curve ;)

[Dreysander]

I'm starting to wonder if I'm agender. I know I'm asexual, though I only discovered that ace was actually "a thing" earlier this year so it's all very new to me.

Growing up I was not 'girly'. I had long hair because my mother made me wear long hair. As a teen I was very androgynous, I had short hair and wore mostly boy clothes. As an adult I'm similar. I had long hair for a while but I prefer myself with short hair (which I have right now), I don't do makeup because it's just not appealing to me, I don't wear much jewelry and generally prefer men's shoes or really masculine women's shoes (like Doc Martens). There are certain occasions when I'll really make an attempt to "girl" myself up, formal things like weddings or whatever but I always feel like crawling out of my own skin whenever I do that.

I've always hated my body, I hated it more when I was really overweight. One of the things that I'm overjoyed about occuring with the loss of 100 + lbs is that my enormous sandbag breasts have all but vanished. I love having smaller breasts, I wish that I was totally "boyish" in proportion though with a straight up and down body and a flat chest.

I don't, however, feel like I'm a man.

I always just figured I'm a really androgynous woman. Is it possible that I could be agender?

[Heart]

It is in fact possible that you're agender :) Androgyne is also a gender, which is a combination of man and woman. The question to ask yourself is: do you feel like you have a gender, it's just not "woman"? Or do you feel more like you don't have a sense of gender at all?

Also, I'd recommend trying on a binder. It'll flatten that last bit of chest down to boyish proportions, and give you a chance to try it out without any permanency or commitment ;)

[Dreysander]

I know for certain that I'm not a man / boy.

I've never really felt like I fit in with the woman / girl label but that's always what I called myself because that's what everyone else says I am. It's not something I've explored with any sort of depth because it's not something that matters terrible in my day to day life I guess.

[Heart]

That's fair. There's no law saying you need a label for your gender (well, I guess you technically need a label for sex on your legal ID, and they don't differentiate between sex and gender.... but technicalities aside). If you're happy without a word to describe your gender, then keep on at it! And if agender feels better to you, then go for that one too :)

[Maeve]

Hm, well I've always felt like I didn't really belong with 'girls' ever since I was a small child. I had predominantly male friends, and a few female friends who were more tomboyish. After deciding that society's standard for male and female just didn't work.... I dunno. All I can really say is that I don't think like any male or female I know. I've always felt that I was separate from the whole 'gender' thing, and thus neutrois works best with me. Or more like if someone asked me if I was a boy or a girl the best answer would be 'both and neither.' XD Kinda hard to explain. Pronouns don't bother me so much, but having my gender mistaken is really flattering for whatever reason. As long as I'm not shoved in the 'boy' box or the 'girl' box I'm generally okay. Luckily, my quirkiness kind of forces people to consider me in a section all my own as far as that is concerned.

Wow, I can totally relate to this! I've never thought much about my gender, having grown up in a very conservative area that only spoke in binaries. I had no concept of anything like genderqueer or gender-fluid (or even trans), but I certainly never thought the way others seem to ascribe to the "typical female" my biology would suggest. Yet I don't think in strictly "male" terms either.

However, I remember a time when someone was genuinely confused about my gender and I felt kind of validated in a strange way. I was 15 and walking down the street with my mother. I was always a "tomboy," but that was especially so in my teen years. The more attention I received from males, the more I hated my developing female body. So I covered it up as much as I could by drowning it in baggy clothes. On this particular day, walking with my mother, that effort seems to have been especially successful. This guy had almost run us over as we were walking in a crosswalk (with the traffic signals in our favor, btw - we were not jaywalking). I slipped into a more aggro male angsty teen than usual and expressed my displeasure with his carelessness by spitting on his car. He slammed the brakes, got out, and proceeded to get in my face like he was going to kick my ass. I laughed (mainly out of shock, I think) and as he was winding up a fist made just for my face, he stopped himself and said "Wait, are you a girl or a guy?" I laughed even harder. In a weird way, I was enjoying that he had to ask. But even before that, I was enjoying that he was reacting to me as a male. I'd always prided myself on not being a "typical female," so this felt like some kind of acknowledgement from the world that indeed I wasn't. He eventually got sick of trying to figure me out, so he climbed back in his car and drove away.

Another funny addendum to this story comes about ten years later. I relayed this incident to a friend of mine - a hetero male who'd been my songwriting partner for a few years. When I told him that the guy couldn't tell if I was male or female, this friend completely denied that it was possible. I guess he thought I was lying (?). I explained further about how I dressed and cut my hair back then to make him understand (by this time at 25 years old, I'd decided to embrace my physical reality, so I looked pretty feminine most days). Again, he insisted it was not possible for anyone to ever confuse my gender. We got into a pretty nasty argument at that point (I can't stand being called a liar in any way, shape, or form). To this day, I'm still disgusted that he had the audacity to suggest that I don't know myself as well as he does. Needless to say, he and I are no longer friends (not because of that one argument, though).

[Truejudgmentandpasta]

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[Leolith]

I do consider my gender non-binary, but so far I'm not sure whether agender or neutrois.

I am FAAB but always felt like there was a significant difference between me and girls/women and that I'm not the same as them. And I definitely don't feel like a man, although I copied some of the stereotypical male behaviour just to confuse people - and it felt great when I "passed".

So far I can't tell whether I do or don't have a gender. I think of myself as neutral and "just me", without putting labels on it - and I refuse the male/female labels because they are so full of stereotypes which I feel don't represent me and based on them wrong assumptions would be made/are made (right now I am too lazy to work out / buy new clothes / cut my hair - so I am perceived as a female and don't like it).

I don't know another way of explaining how it feels. There is nothing that feels. It's just empty - and has always been. There's just the "I'm different than the others" thought.

[Nylocke]

Hm, well I've always felt like I didn't really belong with 'girls' ever since I was a small child. I had predominantly male friends, and a few female friends who were more tomboyish. After deciding that society's standard for male and female just didn't work.... I dunno. All I can really say is that I don't think like any male or female I know. I've always felt that I was separate from the whole 'gender' thing, and thus neutrois works best with me. Or more like if someone asked me if I was a boy or a girl the best answer would be 'both and neither.' XD Kinda hard to explain. Pronouns don't bother me so much, but having my gender mistaken is really flattering for whatever reason. As long as I'm not shoved in the 'boy' box or the 'girl' box I'm generally okay. Luckily, my quirkiness kind of forces people to consider me in a section all my own as far as that is concerned.

Wow, I can totally relate to this! I've never thought much about my gender, having grown up in a very conservative area that only spoke in binaries. I had no concept of anything like genderqueer or gender-fluid (or even trans), but I certainly never thought the way others seem to ascribe to the "typical female" my biology would suggest. Yet I don't think in strictly "male" terms either.

However, I remember a time when someone was genuinely confused about my gender and I felt kind of validated in a strange way. I was 15 and walking down the street with my mother. I was always a "tomboy," but that was especially so in my teen years. The more attention I received from males, the more I hated my developing female body. So I covered it up as much as I could by drowning it in baggy clothes. On this particular day, walking with my mother, that effort seems to have been especially successful. This guy had almost run us over as we were walking in a crosswalk (with the traffic signals in our favor, btw - we were not jaywalking). I slipped into a more aggro male angsty teen than usual and expressed my displeasure with his carelessness by spitting on his car. He slammed the brakes, got out, and proceeded to get in my face like he was going to kick my ass. I laughed (mainly out of shock, I think) and as he was winding up a fist made just for my face, he stopped himself and said "Wait, are you a girl or a guy?" I laughed even harder. In a weird way, I was enjoying that he had to ask. But even before that, I was enjoying that he was reacting to me as a male. I'd always prided myself on not being a "typical female," so this felt like some kind of acknowledgement from the world that indeed I wasn't. He eventually got sick of trying to figure me out, so he climbed back in his car and drove away.

Another funny addendum to this story comes about ten years later. I relayed this incident to a friend of mine - a hetero male who'd been my songwriting partner for a few years. When I told him that the guy couldn't tell if I was male or female, this friend completely denied that it was possible. I guess he thought I was lying (?). I explained further about how I dressed and cut my hair back then to make him understand (by this time at 25 years old, I'd decided to embrace my physical reality, so I looked pretty feminine most days). Again, he insisted it was not possible for anyone to ever confuse my gender. We got into a pretty nasty argument at that point (I can't stand being called a liar in any way, shape, or form). To this day, I'm still disgusted that he had the audacity to suggest that I don't know myself as well as he does. Needless to say, he and I are no longer friends (not because of that one argument, though).

Wow, my mom would have slapped the taste out of my mouth if I ever spit on anyone and I'm 26 o_o

In other news its so awkward to be called "girl" or woman" from people but when I don't know them I have no other choice but to shrug it off like it never happened

[Maeve]

Wow, my mom would have slapped the taste out of my mouth if I ever spit on anyone and I'm 26 o_o

Well, it was on the car... The guy got out after that. But yeah, I do have a pretty laissez-faire kind of mom. And she was pissed off at the guy for nearly killing us, too. Funny thing moms have about people trying to kill their kids. Lol.

[Manticone]

I generally don't think about gender, so I guess I share some commonalities with genderless individuals. I mean, people say I definitely seem more feminine, and my style of dress is probably slightly more feminine, but often pretty androgynous. I like the things I like, but I never think of myself as anything other than me, and when I think of myself, it's usually free of gender.

[sjwarlock]

Hi so I have a question. I am a young cis male... I think. I have a kind of boyish build, and, I've always felt comfortable in my body and using he/him pronouns. However I'm worried that as I age, I'll acquire more conventionally "masculine" traits (bigger, broader, hairier, etc). I really hate envisioning myself looking like this for some reason... I feel like I would be more comfortable if I jumped ship and started transitioning now so that in the future I could hope to "pass" as a woman than to let my body grow into something I don't want to become... I wish there was a way I could just retain my current elven prince-like features but I don't know if that's possible... What should I do?

[Heart]

Hi so I have a question. I am a young cis male... I think. I have a kind of boyish build, and, I've always felt comfortable in my body and using he/him pronouns. However I'm worried that as I age, I'll acquire more conventionally "masculine" traits (bigger, broader, hairier, etc). I really hate envisioning myself looking like this for some reason... I feel like I would be more comfortable if I jumped ship and started transitioning now so that in the future I could hope to "pass" as a woman than to let my body grow into something I don't want to become... I wish there was a way I could just retain my current elven prince-like features but I don't know if that's possible... What should I do?

That is indeed possible. If you can, talk to your doctor about puberty blockers; they do pretty much exactly what their name suggests. They simply stall puberty for a while, leaving you with a pre-puberty body (so your voice won't lower, your shoulders won't widen, you won't start growing hair in different places, etc). They are often used by trans children who want to transition eventually, but need to hold off on the final decision for whatever reason (legal age of consent in some countries affects this, or finances, or maybe even making sure they know their decision, or any number of other things).

I don't know if it's healthy to stay on them forever, but I know they exist. Talk to a doctor about it, a medical professional is the only one who will be able to tell you exactly how they work with your particular body and country :)

Keep in mind too that many people transition quite successfully from MtF late in life. If you can stop the dysphoria early, then by all means, I wish you the best of luck. But if you can't, then don't give up hope. There are some of the most pretty ladies around that didn't start transition until their 30's or later, so never lose hope!

Edited January 19, 2016 by Heart

[Donatsu]

I'm a person who dislikes feeling overly masculine or feminine. If I attempt to be either, it feels weird, like I'm pretending to be another person. I'm assigned female at birth, but I feel out of place when I'm surrounded by gender-binary women - I feel like I'm the odd one out. And while I feel a bit more comfortable when surrounded by gender-binary men, I feel the strongest connection to people who are non-binary - I feel like I can relate.

Oh, that and half of my wardrobe is guy's clothes, because I buy what I like the look of, and I do NOT like feminine clothing.

[Conscientious Ghost]

The last time I posted in thread I was hitting the roughest patches with my gender identity. Remembered feeling like I was invisible, depressed, and better off being nonexistent than being transmasculine agender. After a while I started being on hormone therapy and surrounding myself with more trans, genderqueer, genderless, and other nonbinary gender people, so being trans feels more comfortable than isolating for me nowadays. ^_^

[Skycaptain]

Hi so I have a question. I am a young cis male... I think. I have a kind of boyish build, and, I've always felt comfortable in my body and using he/him pronouns. However I'm worried that as I age, I'll acquire more conventionally "masculine" traits (bigger, broader, hairier, etc). I really hate envisioning myself looking like this for some reason... I feel like I would be more comfortable if I jumped ship and started transitioning now so that in the future I could hope to "pass" as a woman than to let my body grow into something I don't want to become... I wish there was a way I could just retain my current elven prince-like features but I don't know if that's possible... What should I do?

That is indeed possible. If you can, talk to your doctor about puberty blockers; they do pretty much exactly what their name suggests. They simply stall puberty for a while, leaving you with a pre-puberty body (so your voice won't lower, your shoulders won't widen, you won't start growing hair in different places, etc). They are often used by trans children who want to transition eventually, but need to hold off on the final decision for whatever reason (legal age of consent in some countries affects this, or finances, or maybe even making sure they know their decision, or any number of other things).

I don't know if it's healthy to stay on them forever, but I know they exist. Talk to a doctor about it, a medical professional is the only one who will be able to tell you exactly how they work with your particular body and country :)

Keep in mind too that many people transition quite successfully from MtF late in life. If you can stop the dysphoria early, then by all means, I wish you the best of luck. But if you can't, then don't give up hope. There are some of the most pretty ladies around that didn't start transition until their 30's or later, so never lose hope!

One point to watch is that changing hormone levels during adolescence promote the cessation of limb bone growth ( forgotten the technical term) so you may end up with an eunuchoid body habitus, or unusually long limbs relative to your spine and skull, and be taller than your mid parental height would expect. There is a slightly increased risk of osteoporosis or fractures. I speak from having pre-pubertal onset hypogonadism of unknown cause which has resulted in my developing as if I had taken puberty blockers

[Heart]

The last time I posted in thread I was hitting the roughest patches with my gender identity. Remembered feeling like I was invisible, depressed, and better off being nonexistent than being transmasculine agender. After a while I started being on hormone therapy and surrounding myself with more trans, genderqueer, genderless, and other nonbinary gender people, so being trans feels more comfortable than isolating for me nowadays. ^_^

It warms my heart to hear this :D

[Plectrophenax]

I always just figured I'm a really androgynous woman. Is it possible that I could be agender?

Bear in mind that "agender" is mostly used as a term for gender identity [if used otherwise, it requires further elaboration]. As such, the one person who can tell whether or not you are agender is you yourself. And there's a rather straightforward way - I'd suggest - of figuring this out, and it's essentially the difference between liking, disliking or being neutral towards the descriptor "woman" or "girl" or "female" or whatever, regardless of whether you act girly or not.

If you like being referred to as a woman, then you can potentially dismiss the term agender immediately. You may still be androgynous, and you may like being referred to as a man as well [in which case entire different terms could come into play] but you would most likely not fit the standard notion of agender [though I repeat that this is used for identities and as such it's up to you].

If you are neutral to it, you might very well find the term agender to be applicable, but it is far from necessary to consider it so. There are quite a few people who care fairly little about their gender but would never consider themselves agender, and perhaps not even cis-genderless. From admittedly quite limited experience, the reason such people reject the label is because they do not find necessity or solace or mental aid in a descriptor at all, most commonly resulting in a sort of acceptance of their sex and their gender are more or less equal. So this is a choice on your part whether or not you think the label "agender" is helpful or useful to you.

If you react negatively, however, there is a strong chance that you are on the trans spectrum somewhere, including agender. From here you would be best advised to try and locate the source of your distress. If it's triggered by a form of positive idetification with terms and associations evoked by "man" and the like then maybe that's the gender you identify with more [though it need not follow that you "are" that gender]. If it's triggered by general discomfort with a gendered body, then you might well find your way back to the agender-label and even add a sense of dysphoria to it.

In other news its so awkward to be called "girl" or woman" from people but when I don't know them I have no other choice but to shrug it off like it never happened

I tend to ask questions like this and I have to assume that they can be quite tiring. So I'll preface this with the remark that I understand should you choose to ignore this - I just have to ask;

Why does it feel awkward? What exactly is it that you feel they are saying or implying? Are you concerned, in such a moment, with the contents of the other people's mind or are you more concerned about your own associations and/or sense of self? I am really curious about this, and a reply would be much appreciated.

Hi so I have a question. I am a young cis male... I think. I have a kind of boyish build, and, I've always felt comfortable in my body and using he/him pronouns. However I'm worried that as I age, I'll acquire more conventionally "masculine" traits (bigger, broader, hairier, etc). I really hate envisioning myself looking like this for some reason... I feel like I would be more comfortable if I jumped ship and started transitioning now so that in the future I could hope to "pass" as a woman than to let my body grow into something I don't want to become... I wish there was a way I could just retain my current elven prince-like features but I don't know if that's possible... What should I do?

That sounds like an aestheticly driven desire, not one borne from a sense of dysphoria or one of positive detachement from "masculinity". Would you agree with that, or am I being too hasty? If you really want to be able to "pass as a woman" [and presumably as a man too] and would feel deeply uncomfortable as an 'obvious' man - not for aesthetic reasons but for reasons of actual lived experience and association - then you probably should consider trying to avoid such traits. But unless your genes are particularly prone to develop things like broad shoulders and thick hair you don't necessarily have to go to extreme lengths to secure a somewhat androgynous appearance. But if it's purely aesthetic, you might want to hold off a little. Hampering natural development because you like your current body as opposed to an anticipated future one seems like a move you should be very sure of.

[Nylocke]

That time when you try to explain genderqueer to someone on the Japanese internet and yet can barely explain it in english enough for people to understand ... Do not do what I did guys .... It was because they asked me if I was a guy because my profile thing said "I like to hand make jewelry" x-x

[Kappamaki]

That time when you try to explain genderqueer to someone on the Japanese internet and yet can barely explain it in english enough for people to understand ... Do not do what I did guys .... It was because they asked me if I was a guy because my profile thing said "I like to hand make jewelry" x-x

The Japanese term Xジェンダー is close to genderqueer. Xジェンダー seems to be generally non-binary/agender/genderqueer. I'm not really present in Japanese trans spaces or familiar with the discourse, so there might be some distinction I'm unaware of.

[Nylocke]

That time when you try to explain genderqueer to someone on the Japanese internet and yet can barely explain it in english enough for people to understand ... Do not do what I did guys .... It was because they asked me if I was a guy because my profile thing said "I like to hand make jewelry" x-x

The Japanese term Xジェンダー is close to genderqueer. Xジェンダー seems to be generally non-binary/agender/genderqueer. I'm not really present in Japanese trans spaces or familiar with the discourse, so there might be some distinction I'm unaware of.

I'm aware of the term for it in japanese its just hard to explain to people that DON'T know what that is in japanese. The person I was talking to thought I was "gender confused" and the other one thought I was transgender. Not quite it but anyway x-x

[Kappamaki]

That time when you try to explain genderqueer to someone on the Japanese internet and yet can barely explain it in english enough for people to understand ... Do not do what I did guys .... It was because they asked me if I was a guy because my profile thing said "I like to hand make jewelry" x-x

The Japanese term Xジェンダー is close to genderqueer. Xジェンダー seems to be generally non-binary/agender/genderqueer. I'm not really present in Japanese trans spaces or familiar with the discourse, so there might be some distinction I'm unaware of.

I'm aware of the term for it in japanese its just hard to explain to people that DON'T know what that is in japanese. The person I was talking to thought I was "gender confused" and the other one thought I was transgender. Not quite it but anyway x-x

Ah, yeah. It's tricky enough to explain this stuff in English, and with Japanese at my conversational level, there's no telling what the other person'd come away thinking about me. I've never had to explain this stuff in Japanese before; I don't know how well I'd do.

I usually get my message across when speaking Japanese, albeit sometimes roundaboutly and awkwardly, but sometimes I'll mess up and, for instance, the other person'll think I said I gambled away all my money at slots when I was trying to say I was playing free games at the arcade, so I get chastised for being a wastrel when I was trying to brag about my thrift in finding games that had been activated but left unplayed.

[PixieStix]

Oh man. Ever since I got to college and realized that non-binary individuals are a thing outside of tumblr, I've been questioning my gender a heckuvalot. As a kid, I never described myself as either girly or a tomboy. Instead, I thought of myself as an arty nerdling who took bits and pieces of genders as I saw fit-- hating dresses and skirts and anything floral, but identifying with "strong female characters" and having almost all female friends. But gender itself wasn't anything that I thought about very much. In high school, when I first cut my hair short (as in a pixie cut), I would sometimes be mistaken for a young man, particularly if I wore clothes that hid what few curves I have. I found this incredibly frustrating and so tried to dress much more femininely in order to compensate (didn't even consider growing my hair out). But then there came a point where I just accepted that this was going to happen sometimes, and then I even reached a point where I almost relished the moments where I was "misgendered."

Just recently, however, I feel like I've made a teeny tiny breakthrough, realizing that I have differently gendered feelings depending on what I'm wearing or doing (and maybe occasionally who I'm with). Like if I present more masculinely, I feel strong and powerful, but at the same time vulnerable, because I feel like I'm relinquishing the option of being treated like a female. I realize that in many ways that's not a bad thing, but I do admit that I take comfort in the fact that people are socialized to be more helpful/sympathetic towards people who are dfab. When I present in a more feminine manner, I feel giddy-- like I've just drunk a lot of champagne. It's less of a substantial feeling-- it's thrilling, but taxing, somehow. I can't comfortably maintain that level of femininity for more than a few days at a time. I'd say my default is the slightly femme side of androgynous. It's been brought to my attention that these feelings may qualify as being genderfluid; however, I'm not sure if they're strong enough (as in I can't say I ever feel like a man, but only masculine) and I can control which gender/what intensity of gender I feel to some extent. I'm afraid I'm just a cis girl overthinking every little thing.

[Nylocke]

That time when you try to explain genderqueer to someone on the Japanese internet and yet can barely explain it in english enough for people to understand ... Do not do what I did guys .... It was because they asked me if I was a guy because my profile thing said "I like to hand make jewelry" x-x

The Japanese term Xジェンダー is close to genderqueer. Xジェンダー seems to be generally non-binary/agender/genderqueer. I'm not really present in Japanese trans spaces or familiar with the discourse, so there might be some distinction I'm unaware of.

I'm aware of the term for it in japanese its just hard to explain to people that DON'T know what that is in japanese. The person I was talking to thought I was "gender confused" and the other one thought I was transgender. Not quite it but anyway x-x

Ah, yeah. It's tricky enough to explain this stuff in English, and with Japanese at my conversational level, there's no telling what the other person'd come away thinking about me. I've never had to explain this stuff in Japanese before; I don't know how well I'd do.

I usually get my message across when speaking Japanese, albeit sometimes roundaboutly and awkwardly, but sometimes I'll mess up and, for instance, the other person'll think I said I gambled away all my money at slots when I was trying to say I was playing free games at the arcade, so I get chastised for being a wastrel when I was trying to brag about my thrift in finding games that had been activated but left unplayed.

Well you sound better then me I just go on pigg and chat people up xD

[Heart]

Oh man. Ever since I got to college and realized that non-binary individuals are a thing outside of tumblr, I've been questioning my gender a heckuvalot. As a kid, I never described myself as either girly or a tomboy. Instead, I thought of myself as an arty nerdling who took bits and pieces of genders as I saw fit-- hating dresses and skirts and anything floral, but identifying with "strong female characters" and having almost all female friends. But gender itself wasn't anything that I thought about very much. In high school, when I first cut my hair short (as in a pixie cut), I would sometimes be mistaken for a young man, particularly if I wore clothes that hid what few curves I have. I found this incredibly frustrating and so tried to dress much more femininely in order to compensate (didn't even consider growing my hair out). But then there came a point where I just accepted that this was going to happen sometimes, and then I even reached a point where I almost relished the moments where I was "misgendered."

Just recently, however, I feel like I've made a teeny tiny breakthrough, realizing that I have differently gendered feelings depending on what I'm wearing or doing (and maybe occasionally who I'm with). Like if I present more masculinely, I feel strong and powerful, but at the same time vulnerable, because I feel like I'm relinquishing the option of being treated like a female. I realize that in many ways that's not a bad thing, but I do admit that I take comfort in the fact that people are socialized to be more helpful/sympathetic towards people who are dfab. When I present in a more feminine manner, I feel giddy-- like I've just drunk a lot of champagne. It's less of a substantial feeling-- it's thrilling, but taxing, somehow. I can't comfortably maintain that level of femininity for more than a few days at a time. I'd say my default is the slightly femme side of androgynous. It's been brought to my attention that these feelings may qualify as being genderfluid; however, I'm not sure if they're strong enough (as in I can't say I ever feel like a man, but only masculine) and I can control which gender/what intensity of gender I feel to some extent. I'm afraid I'm just a cis girl overthinking every little thing.

Welcome to AVEN, Pixie!

Firstly, there is no such thing as "genderfluid enough" to be genderfluid. If you feel like that label fits you best, then that's all that's required. And being able to control your gender swings (if that is what you are feeling, it seems like it's a bit unclear?) does not disqualify you either. I'm genderfluid myself, and I have little to no control over my swings, but I know that some people's gender swings are more contextual and/or control-able. And, of course, if you are a cis girl, then there's nothing wrong with that either. My own personal theory is that everyone's gender feelings shift a little over time, or around an equilibrium value. It's just that for a small section of the population, they shift enough for us to notice it and identify as fluid. Where the line is, is completely arbitrary.

So, in short, the best way to choose between the labels genderfluid and cis woman is to simply ask yourself which one feels more comfortable, or more accurate. Both of those genders are equally good. And in the end, if you end up picking one now but deciding later that the other one is more relevant to you, then you can always change too.

[Rin-likes-rain]

I recently accepted being a transgender male. It feels good, but I'm still getting used to it. I still feel like a liar when I put my gender down as male, even though I know I'm not lying. I have no issues with my female body. The way I see it, it's a part of me, and denying that isn't self-acceptance to me. (not knocking anyone who had therapy or corrective surgery. I just personally want to embrace myself as is). I still go by female pronouns, but that's mainly because I'm used to them, and I'm surrounded by Christians. Oh, I'm Christian by the way. I'm not changing anything accept how I see myself, and what I put down for my gender, so there's no need to tell anyone except my boyfriend, which he's cool with it. I'm still trying to sort out my gender identity from my gender expression. Because I portray genderfluid traits, but I feel like a dude. I don't feel any connections with the "female" gender despite having mostly feminine traits. It's a real headache. I act like a dude, I think like a dude, I dress like a dude, but my mannerisms are mostly feminine. For a dude, I'm extremely ladylike. maybe I'm non-binary. Ugh. Frustrating. I feel the strongest connections with transgender male, but it still feels wrong. Like that's not quite it. I dunno. I'll figure it out.

[Heart]

Have you thought about transmasculine instead of trans man? Or maybe demiguy or demiboy? Those are the terms that come to mind when you say that trans man feels the best, but just not quite perfect...

Of course, there's no rush or pressure to find a label, now or ever. Take your time, it certainly takes a while to get used to!

Welcome to genderqueerness

[Calligraphette_Coe]

I recently accepted being a transgender male. It feels good, but I'm still getting used to it. I still feel like a liar when I put my gender down as male, even though I know I'm not lying. I have no issues with my female body. The way I see it, it's a part of me, and denying that isn't self-acceptance to me. (not knocking anyone who had therapy or corrective surgery. I just personally want to embrace myself as is). I still go by female pronouns, but that's mainly because I'm used to them, and I'm surrounded by Christians. Oh, I'm Christian by the way. I'm not changing anything accept how I see myself, and what I put down for my gender, so there's no need to tell anyone except my boyfriend, which he's cool with it. I'm still trying to sort out my gender identity from my gender expression. Because I portray genderfluid traits, but I feel like a dude. I don't feel any connections with the "female" gender despite having mostly feminine traits. It's a real headache. I act like a dude, I think like a dude, I dress like a dude, but my mannerisms are mostly feminine. For a dude, I'm extremely ladylike. maybe I'm non-binary. Ugh. Frustrating. I feel the strongest connections with transgender male, but it still feels wrong. Like that's not quite it. I dunno. I'll figure it out.

Maybe your gender is like artistry on a canvas, and it all depends on how you blend your gender, biology and psychology to come up with the colors and lines that define your you-ness in a way you recognize and feel comfortable with?

Almost like Prismacolor colored pencils-- some people use the regular colored pencils for their work, some folks use the watercolor pencils, which have pigments that are water soluble. When you think about it, maybe for some of us, our genders are more or less soluble in our biology and/or our *psychology*. Everyone has their own unique way of blending or not blending the two-- but there is no 'right' way to do it.

The beauty is in the attempts, rendered with regard for our souls, masterpieces of expression shared with our fellow souls.