What it feels like to be trans, genderqueer or genderless

[VindicatorPhoenix]

I'm a girl piloting a 6-foot tall male robot. I've decided not to swap out this robot for a female-bodied robot, but instead to pass as more feminine on the exterior. Perhaps a pink paint job, a change in the audio system and some new external accessories.

It still bugs me when people call me a dude or say "he." This is what I feel like saying:

[Heart]

I'm a girl piloting a 6-foot tall male robot. I've decided not to swap out this robot for a female-bodied robot, but instead to pass as more feminine on the exterior. Perhaps a pink paint job, a change in the audio system and some new external accessories.

It still bugs me when people call me a dude or say "he." This is what I feel like saying:

That's beautiful! Well explained.

[VindicatorPhoenix]

I'm a girl piloting a 6-foot tall male robot. I've decided not to swap out this robot for a female-bodied robot, but instead to pass as more feminine on the exterior. Perhaps a pink paint job, a change in the audio system and some new external accessories.

It still bugs me when people call me a dude or say "he." This is what I feel like saying:

That's beautiful! Well explained.

Thanks! :D

[Marjoram]

I don't know what I am.

I always felt like my body is my prison, meaning I cannot morph it into the real me inside, the one I see when my eyes are closed and the one I am in my dream, which is a very androgynous being.

I should feel happy, nature provided me with a very feminine 5'2'' body with nice hips and big breasts, pretty much what girls seem to strive for nowadays, but I'm not. I hate my body, I would totally have surgery to make my breasts small and not in the way. I would have liked to be slender not so feminine in shape. But it's ok, I look 100% female and I accept that society treat me as such.

Picture a little 8 years old in pigtails with ribbons climbing trees and hunting with her father and picking fights with boys (and winning lol). I never played with dolls. My family was buying me barbies and I was playing with the Barbie Horse instead (I remember a palomino). It's not that I disliked dresses, I was feeling pretty when I had to wear one instead of my jeans but it was just not practical for my activities which were mostly climbing like a monkey everywhere, exploring caves, building tree houses and playing apocalypse survivor in the woods.

But I was not seeing myself as a boy, I was just not interested in girl stuff... In highschool, same thing. Everything the other girls were excited about, boys, fashion, makeup you name it, left me cold. so I was hanging out with the boys and having a blast with video games and watching WWF, playing sports and practicing Kung Fu... but wearing skirts and dresses when doing non-physical activities because they are so comfy. I am also generally half masculine half feminine in my behavior.

But the thing is, when I dream or just imagine a story in my head while doing the dishes, I'm always a boy, a very androgynous one though. I even have a male name and that person who looks both gender is the real me, the one I wish nature would have given me as a body while keeping who I am with my thoughts and all. I would not like to have testosterone injections, because I don't feel like a man nor want to look like one, but like I said, reducing my feminine attributes would be welcomed. To this day I still don't fit a woman's typical profile and not totally a man's profile. I am myself, a being trapped in a female body that doesn't seem to fit in either gender.

In the end I dunno what I am, what to really call myself, if you have an idea please leave a comment.

[KRae]

I don't know what I am.

I always felt like my body is my prison, meaning I cannot morph it into the real me inside, the one I see when my eyes are closed and the one I am in my dream, which is a very androgynous being.

I should feel happy, nature provided me with a very feminine 5'2'' body with nice hips and big breasts, pretty much what girls seem to strive for nowadays, but I'm not. I hate my body, I would totally have surgery to make my breasts small and not in the way. I would have liked to be slender not so feminine in shape. But it's ok, I look 100% female and I accept that society treat me as such.

Picture a little 8 years old in pigtails with ribbons climbing trees and hunting with her father and picking fights with boys (and winning lol). I never played with dolls. My family was buying me barbies and I was playing with the Barbie Horse instead (I remember a palomino). It's not that I disliked dresses, I was feeling pretty when I had to wear one instead of my jeans but it was just not practical for my activities which were mostly climbing like a monkey everywhere, exploring caves, building tree houses and playing apocalypse survivor in the woods.

But I was not seeing myself as a boy, I was just not interested in girl stuff... In highschool, same thing. Everything the other girls were excited about, boys, fashion, makeup you name it, left me cold. so I was hanging out with the boys and having a blast with video games and watching WWF, playing sports and practicing Kung Fu... but wearing skirts and dresses when doing non-physical activities because they are so comfy. I am also generally half masculine half feminine in my behavior.

But the thing is, when I dream or just imagine a story in my head while doing the dishes, I'm always a boy, a very androgynous one though. I even have a male name and that person who looks both gender is the real me, the one I wish nature would have given me as a body while keeping who I am with my thoughts and all. I would not like to have testosterone injections, because I don't feel like a man nor want to look like one, but like I said, reducing my feminine attributes would be welcomed. To this day I still don't fit a woman's typical profile and not totally a man's profile. I am myself, a being trapped in a female body that doesn't seem to fit in either gender.

In the end I dunno what I am, what to really call myself, if you have an idea please leave a comment.

I'm still debating a label myself (right now I'm going with gender ninja),but I really relate to your story. I was that kid who was always outside, climbing on things, and so on, which, as you said, is really impractical with skirts. However, I do find skirts quite comfortable, especially when my Crohn's is flaring and anything pressing against my abdomen is torture. I also would love to not have all the feminine attributes.

[Marjoram]

@Amoeba gender ninja is cool :) maybe agender would fit me better since I'm not trying to be either, just to be myself and I pick things from both sides without regards to what society says. I'm like, a person! Even if nature forced me into a female body. unless I am mistaken, that seems to be what agender is?

That said, that's how I raised my son. Never as a boy but as a child. He had flowers for bedsheets (he choose them), a doll you can feed, hated trucks and sports but loved video games and dinosaurs, is very emotional like a girl and has mid back long hair and soft facial features. He is almost 14 now and 9 out of 10 person STILL thinks he is a girl. I'm not even exagerating, it always been like that. He tags himself as a boy but don't think or act like one. That cause him troubles when he goes to the boys bathroom, being said hey girls can't come in here. He is also an Asperger which adds to him not being at all like the other boys, he has his own way of thinking and seeing the world.

[Coffiend Jackalope]

I'm neutrois, ever since like age 5 I didn't like being seen as a girl or referenced as a girl or girl pronouns. I'm 24 now and it wasn't until about a year ago I realized other girls didn't feel like that.

For me, it's just that both boys and girls they seem other. I was never one of the girls and I wasn't quite one of the guys. I'm outside.

[Heart]

I don't know what I am.

I always felt like my body is my prison, meaning I cannot morph it into the real me inside, the one I see when my eyes are closed and the one I am in my dream, which is a very androgynous being.

I should feel happy, nature provided me with a very feminine 5'2'' body with nice hips and big breasts, pretty much what girls seem to strive for nowadays, but I'm not. I hate my body, I would totally have surgery to make my breasts small and not in the way. I would have liked to be slender not so feminine in shape. But it's ok, I look 100% female and I accept that society treat me as such.

Picture a little 8 years old in pigtails with ribbons climbing trees and hunting with her father and picking fights with boys (and winning lol). I never played with dolls. My family was buying me barbies and I was playing with the Barbie Horse instead (I remember a palomino). It's not that I disliked dresses, I was feeling pretty when I had to wear one instead of my jeans but it was just not practical for my activities which were mostly climbing like a monkey everywhere, exploring caves, building tree houses and playing apocalypse survivor in the woods.

But I was not seeing myself as a boy, I was just not interested in girl stuff... In highschool, same thing. Everything the other girls were excited about, boys, fashion, makeup you name it, left me cold. so I was hanging out with the boys and having a blast with video games and watching WWF, playing sports and practicing Kung Fu... but wearing skirts and dresses when doing non-physical activities because they are so comfy. I am also generally half masculine half feminine in my behavior.

But the thing is, when I dream or just imagine a story in my head while doing the dishes, I'm always a boy, a very androgynous one though. I even have a male name and that person who looks both gender is the real me, the one I wish nature would have given me as a body while keeping who I am with my thoughts and all. I would not like to have testosterone injections, because I don't feel like a man nor want to look like one, but like I said, reducing my feminine attributes would be welcomed. To this day I still don't fit a woman's typical profile and not totally a man's profile. I am myself, a being trapped in a female body that doesn't seem to fit in either gender.

In the end I dunno what I am, what to really call myself, if you have an idea please leave a comment.

Agender is a good term! Another you can possibly check out is andrgyne, which is defined as a combination of man and woman. A lot of what you say about having elements of both a girl and a boy made me think of the term adrogyne. Androgynous is a way of presenting yourself, but androgyne is a gender itself :)

[Plectrophenax]

Not meaning to take this too lightly, Marjoram, but I can't help myself but assume your feeling of uncertainty is based at least partially on a confusion of terms.

I don't know what I am.

What do you mean 'what'? You are you. You state so yourself in your latest post. Feel free to go into more detail if you like, but your main indicator for how to break it down is yourself. So there's nothing you don't know, just something you can't categorise - and that's an entirely different problem.

From what you posted, I infer you have female biological makeup [making your biological gender female] and are well-developed for the purpose of the biological function this particular makeup serves [which is why you called it "very feminine"]. You also understand this dimorphism and acknowledge and accept that, going on this very basic duality generally applied by people in most societies, you are indeed female.

I always felt like my body is my prison, meaning I cannot morph it into the real me inside, the one I see when my eyes are closed and the one I am in my dream, which is a very androgynous being.

This [accepting or acknowledging biological makeup] doesn't mean, of course, that you have to like your body or the gender it is [or, as some would say, the gender it implies]. And that's the biggest combining factor of all people on the non-binary or genderless spectrum, it seems - not actively liking or actively disliking ones body. You say you feel imprisoned in your body and see yourself in a different, better-suited one. I can relate, so rest assured I'm not talking from an unsympathetic perspective. But why you feel this dislike is important here. Allow me to try and break it down a bit.

You like climbing and brawling. You don't like dolls. You find dresses impractical [especially, naturally, for the aforementioned climbing] but comfy. This is how you are and how you naturally developed. So far, this has nothing to do with feeling let alone being like a boy or a girl, so for you to like and think these things naturally won't result in you "seeing yourself as a boy" - after all, plenty boys like dolls and dislike climbing and brawling [some may even argue the practicality or comfort of dresses]. Your actions are not reducable to your gender.

You may think this is so because there is a rather rampant generalisation of male and female interests [especially for children] with regards to marketing. But that, too, is nothing more than an established formula that, due to being so dominant, acts also as an enforcer of itself by, for example, drawing in the impartial crowd of each gender to its side [i was 'not interested in boy stuff' yet I briefly joined a football club because that was something strongly marketed towards me as a boy].

So rather than saying 'girl stuff', it's a lot more helpful to talk about 'stuff [primarily] girls [seem to] indulge in'. And you didn't indulge in those things. That still need not affect your gender. But then, to add to the confusion, you like 'stuff [primarily] boys [seem to] indulge in' - like video games [though that's quite different nowadays], WWF or martial arts - and thus break the barrier of gender segregation by hanging out with people who share your interest - people who are also boys. Still no necessary impact on gender I can see.

Yet you phrase it thusly;

I am also generally half masculine half feminine in my behavior.

and, even more extreme, like so;

To this day I still don't fit a woman's typical profile and not totally a man's profile. I am myself, a being trapped in a female body that doesn't seem to fit in either gender.

Why are you buying into this segregation? There is really no need to. Your likes and dislikes - quite naturally, I might add - encompass a wide spectrum that include stuff marketed towards boys and stuff marketed towards girls. But boys and girls respectively don't hold monopoly on either side. You aren't particularly unusual for being more than one-dimensional. Saying 'masculine' and 'feminine' as if to say that behaviour is dominated by gender - while proving that this is not true yourself - strikes me as muddled and confused. Worse even for stating that these genders encompass archetypes. You might as well talk about age-related stereotypes and 'not fit' into them. The importance is the same.

Again, don't buy into the segregation just because it's passively force-fed to you.

when I dream or just imagine a story in my head while doing the dishes, I'm always a boy, a very androgynous one though.

[…]

I don't feel like a man nor want to look like one, but like I said, reducing my feminine attributes would be welcomed

In light of this, I wonder if the androgynous 'boy' you envision yourself as [i'm almost positive this mental body of yours doesn't have a penis or testicles, but please correct me if I'm wrong] is just a manifestation of this assumption that your gender is somehow 'inappropriate' for your likes and dislikes - in which case I'd urge you not to think this way.

It's all the more bewildering to me that you may think this because you obviously think that gender is totally irrelevant. After all, you don't want to have a gendered body, but a gender-neutral ['less feminine'] one [it's interesting, though, that you gravitate towards a male body for that desire].

In the end I dunno what I am, what to really call myself, if you have an idea please leave a comment.

Depends on what function you think a 'gender' should fulfill. De facto you are female, but you'd rather be 'less female'. In that case, I would feel safe in assuming you are agender [though some might argue that, becaue you acknowledge your female-ness, you are cis-genderless]. You are also clearly non-binary - as in you reject the simplistic duality inherent in the male/female dichotomy - but only regarding behaviour [as if behaviour can be expressed through biological function in a sexually dimorphic species alone].

But then again, it's very possible you don't like the female body - especially the breasts, I imagine - because they are an active hindrance in everyday life, particularly your hobbies but maybe also rearding unwelcomed gazes you get from others in what you'd rather consider a pressure-free relaxation environment. These primarily pragmatic reasons aren't quite the same as identity-related ones. If these are the main reasons for your uncertainty, then I would feel equally confident in calling you female, just not a "hooray, I'm female" female but rather a "oh well, I'm female" or even a "oh drat, I'm female" female.

Though your identity might still be best expressed by use of terms like 'agender' or 'non-binary', provided you even have or need an identity relating to gender. I myself would - if pressed - call myself agender due to pragmatic reasons like these.

---

One more thing;

I'm not trying to be either, just to be myself and I pick things from both sides without regards to what society says. I'm like, a person! Even if nature forced me into a female body. unless I am mistaken, that seems to be what agender is?

There is an inherent contradiction in stating that you "pick things from both sides" while not regarding "what society says". What 'sides'? The only ones you can mean are the very ones society tells you exist. So you ignore the stict separation implied by this societal marketing by shopping on both sides [metaphorically speaking], but you still accept the separation itself by regarding them as 'sides' that are distinct from each other, as if to justify the spearation but not finding it appropriate for yourself. This I don't understand. Isn't it much easier to assume that your position, the 'pick and choose whatever works', is the default? Because after all, there are countless examples of people not fitting their 'allotted' gender roles, and not all among them would call themselves genderless. The segregation is primarily in your head. You've already discarded it's relevance, so why not go full out and reject it completely?

Never as a boy but as a child.

He […] is very emotional like a girl and has mid back long hair and soft facial features.

He tags himself as a boy but don't think or act like one.

He is also an Asperger which adds to him not being at all like the other boys, he has his own way of thinking and seeing the world.

The same for your son. He acts the way he acts, but he is your 'son' [as in 'a biological male']. He gets confused for a girl, but I assume that's due to his appearance rather than his actions since a man in a knitting club would still look like a man [because actions don't make genders] unless it's a particularly androgynous-looking one. He 'tags' himself as a boy [and you do to] because that's what he, biologically speaking, is.

You say you didn't raise him "as a boy" but I have to question what that means. You raised him based on his interests, which I should hope every parent does. So is 'like a boy' equivalent to 'indoctrination' in a sense? If so, there's yet another reason to reject the behavioural dichotomy right there.

Don't let him fall into the trap of blindly accepting the gender split as if it's a natural order that he somehow vandalises. At best, he's merely a minority regarding certain hobbies relative to his gender, at worst, others of his gender aren't able to fully live themselves out due to stifling gender stereotyping. You are already doing a great job by tossing the stereotyping to the side, but don't enforce it in the same breath as well. Boys - and girls - are not a hivemind with uniform thoughts and interests dictated by their biology. You and your son are proof of that. Don't consider yourselves an 'exception' because that actually increases the validity of the behavioural distinction you want to oppose. This goes without saying, but I see remnants of this dichotomy-based thinking in the way you phrase certain thoughts, and pointing this out may actually be beneficial to you. At least I hope you won't take this a confronational or critical, because it's not meant to be.

[Wallflowerbaby13]

Little bit of my dairy for today. I don't keep a dairy, except at times when I feel like writing.

Gender-queer is such a funny word. Like we're 'different'. Well, isn't everyone? No one fits all the norms. Everyone is queer in some way. I'm pretty crazy sometimes, but other days I'm pretty blank. I try to label my gender at times, but it changes like the weather. I'm gender-independent, gender-dynamic, gender-jumbled, gender-mobile, gender-free, gender-uncommited, gender-chaos.

might put it in my sig. feels like 'me'.

Gender-dynamic is the greatest term ever.

I enjoy gender-uncommitted! Not much for commitment in general

[Member95252]

I guess for me, it's like intrinsically I am just me. It's ingrained knowledge into my psyche that AJ is just AJ. And I have no gender regardless of the anatomy I possess or how society views me. Pronouns aren't a problem for me but it's when people begin to assign gender/gender roles/gender expectations onto me -that's when it hurts and my dysphoria gets triggered constantly because I am not what they say I am. And I never can be. It's like trying to enjoy the quiet of a peaceful, rainy night but the wind begins to pick up and starts howling, lightening strikes and everything drowns out the rain.

I just want the rain.

...I hope I made sense. It's 1 in the morning so coherency might not be a thing right now.

[Plectrophenax]

@Hobbit_AJ:

Nice rain analogy. I can relate - rain has a hugely traquil effect on me.

A question regarding your sentiment, if I may be so bold;

If I were to refer to you using the pronoun traditionally associated with your body [as irrelevant as that may be], and I would assure you that I meant it exclusively in that sense [and not as a way to implicitly assign gender roles or expectations], would that trigger your dysphoria? If so, why? If not, why not?

[Feel free to ignore this question if you'd rather not respond to it, by the way. It's just curiosity on my part.]

[MentalLiberation]

When I was younger and before I accepted anything was different from me, I'd say things like:

"I wish no one had visible sexual traits. They'd just be hidden until 2 people negotiated sex and they go off in private and leave the rest of us alone."

I would get weird looks, but it made perfect sense to me!

:)

I mostly feel agender, but sometimes fluctuate between the 2.

[Guest]

This is how i feel:

I feel like im a robot that is standing on a crosspoint with 3 different roads, a robot being indecisive on wich direction i should take today.

If i take the first one i will be a girl but not too girly, if i take the second one ill be a boy but not too boyish, if i take the third then i will be both

Lets take the third today and then maybe the second if i think the third is too long for my taste, wait i should be taking the first, right???

And this every day.

I so dont like being genderfluid >.>

[Heart]

When I was younger and before I accepted anything was different from me, I'd say things like:

"I wish no one had visible sexual traits. They'd just be hidden until 2 people negotiated sex and they go off in private and leave the rest of us alone."

I would get weird looks, but it made perfect sense to me!

:)

I mostly feel agender, but sometimes fluctuate between the 2.

Makes perfect sense to me ;)

[MentalLiberation]

When I was younger and before I accepted anything was different from me, I'd say things like:

"I wish no one had visible sexual traits. They'd just be hidden until 2 people negotiated sex and they go off in private and leave the rest of us alone."

I would get weird looks, but it made perfect sense to me!

:)

I mostly feel agender, but sometimes fluctuate between the 2.

Makes perfect sense to me ;)

:)

Of course, now I see that my words were a bit naive. The majority clearly do strongly identify with gender. When I was young, I couldn't really wrap my head around that. I thought that deep down, everyone must feel confined like I did and we were all going around playing the parts for the sake of society.

I see now that there wouldn't be many happy people in my ideal universe!

[HazelnutPie]

I'm genderfluid, and it feels like what I am as far as genitals go and who I am in personality are two separate things. It also feels like not quite fitting in society, because it is all so gender-assigned, but not necessarily feeling out of place. I wore a nice shirt, tie, and slacks to homecoming, but a dress on Easter. I'll have short hair but big feminine hips. I'll use whichever restroom I feel like that day. I'm just floating around through and past the constructs of gender that society seems so persistent on and loving myself as I do.

[Heart]

Welcome HazelnutPie!! I love finding other genderfluid people, there don't seem to be that many of us ^_^

[LassieBee]

I'm biologically female and I've always been the odd one out. I grew up surrounded by boys and I was different, so for a long time I wished I was a boy. Not really for any other reason except to fit in.

My only female friends were a year above me and a year below me. One of them was (is) very tomboyish, one is very girly and the third is a mix of both depending on the situation. So I t wasn't until I started secondary school that I knew any girls my own age and realised how different I was.

Somewhere along the line I had given up on wanting to be a boy and just kind of settled for being in between, on being me. Then I found out about different genders

I'm biologically female and I've always been the odd one out. I grew up surrounded by boys and I was different, so for a long time I wished I was a boy. Not really for any other reason except to fit in.

My only female friends were a year above me and a year below me. One of them was (is) very tomboyish, one is very girly and the third is a mix of both depending on the situation. So I t wasn't until I started secondary school that I knew any girls my own age and realised how different I was.

Somewhere along the line I had given up on wanting to be a boy and just kind of settled for being in between, on being me. Then I found out about different genders and a

[LassieBee]

I'm biologically female and I've always been the odd one out. I grew up surrounded by boys and I was different, so for a long time I wished I was a boy. Not really for any other reason except to fit in.

My only female friends were a year above me and a year below me. One of them was (is) very tomboyish, one is very girly and the third is a mix of both depending on the situation. So it wasn't until I started secondary school that I knew any girls my own age and realised how different I was.

Somewhere along the line I had given up on wanting to be a boy and kind of settled on being in between, on being me. Then I found out about different genders and I realised that they fit me better. Which non-binary gender fits me best - I'm not exactly sure but agenderflux is a pretty good match for how I feel so I'm sticking with that for now.

I feel more comfortable being paired with a boy for stuff at school than a girl or being called a boy but 'he' and 'him' don't feel any more right than 'she' or 'her'. I tried using gender neutral pronouns on myself like 'them' and 'sie' and 'zir' but they don't feel right either. (Feel free to use any pronouns on me that you wish, I don't mind. You never know, you could help me find the ones that feel right.)

I asked some of my friends how they knew that they were male or female and I could connect with some from boys and girls. The one that stands out most is "To be honest, they [boys] feel like a different species." I agree with her, but girls also feel like a different species.

I don't know if what I said makes any sense, if anyone cares or even if I answered the question at the top, but here's my thoughts.

[Desmister]

I've always felt out of place when it came to gender. Its always made me uncomfortable to be seen as a female/be referred to as a female but I didn't understand why before. When I was younger and before I knew anything about gender identities, I would just shrug it off and try not to let it bother me. I knew I was biologically a female and therefore had no reason to be upset that people saw me as such. It was annoying but I dealt with it. The discomfort with being associated with femininity only got worse as I got older and I thought I had a serious problem because nobody else around me seemed to be uncomfortable with their gender. I knew I wasn't a female but I also knew I wasn't a male either. It wasn't until recently that I realized there was a name for what I was. I wasn't broken and there were others like me. It was nice to not be alone anymore.

The way I see gender in my mind is like a line. Males on the right, females on the left, and there are some people standing in the middle that can walk back and forth between the two or they can stay right in the middle. I don't see myself as being anywhere on that line. I look at a group of males and feel like I don't belong there. I look at a group of females and, while I can definitely fit in with them and pass off as one, I don't feel like I belong there either. When I think about myself there is no gender connected to the thought. I'm a person. That's it. I just wish I could make people see me the way I see myself. I wish I didn't have to explain my gender (Or lack of gender, that is) to them. I wish I could look the way I feel inside on the outside. It would save me a lot of discomfort and sadness.

[TaminSweets]

Hmmm, Its kind of like A factory was trying to make a ship. So they send you the intructions/manual on how to operate your boat. Though when the factory ends up finishing your exterior, they are left with the outside of a plane, and the inside the controls are half boat and train.So at first you sit on the inside reading your instructions, trying to figure out how pass as any other airplane...though as a pilot you end up way to stressed and start slipping up. So eventually you go with what you know. I'm still transportation, I want to be on the water. which makes the controls feel more natural to you.....though on the outside people see a really confused airplane. You think you have it all figured out internally. though the next day, you refuel, go on the water and the boat controls aren't working the same. You eventually realize the other controls are working slendidly, and you want to be a train today. so you head for the tracks and people still see a very confused plane, instead of just tranportation. you personally, never notcing the exterior of the vechiles, couldn't see the difference in transportation. you thought you were just transportation, and why anyone would identify as a boat,plane or train was their own buisness. Though at the same time some days you felt like you weren't just transportation...though couldn't quite figure out if you were a boat or a train. you ask other tranportation how they feel, but give anwers like....of course your suppposed to be an airplane it's just how your designed. It was obvious to you, they put much wieght on the exterior, but couldn't understand the controls. so you give up and just feel how you feel, if you find a way to explain it, you do. We are all just transportation anwyways.

[Guest]

I am somewhere in between male and female. I always hate hate hated being called a "lady." It totally makes me uncomfortable. Idk about "he," and idk about "she," but I certainly love being referred to as "they."

In May I cut my hair short to begin my journey towards becoming openly androgynous. Every new person I've met, I've told them to call me "they." I am going to get my hair cut even shorter soon, and when I turn 18 I am going to buy androgynous-looking clothes and an actual binder, rather than using sports bras.

Biologically I am female, though I wish I was born intersex (as crazy as this sounds?). I am fine with having my female parts, but... I feel like something is missing down there sometimes.

It feels like I was meant to have both, but somewhere along the way in my creation it was forgotten I was supposed to have male parts as well. It's disappointing... I feel incomplete. I hope that changing my outwardly appearance will make up for that missing feeling, at least somewhat.

[pavlovringsabell]

for me it's best described as not feeling any male or female within me. (not the best way of describing it, but hopefully it'll do)

[Heart]

I'm biologically female and I've always been the odd one out. I grew up surrounded by boys and I was different, so for a long time I wished I was a boy. Not really for any other reason except to fit in.

My only female friends were a year above me and a year below me. One of them was (is) very tomboyish, one is very girly and the third is a mix of both depending on the situation. So it wasn't until I started secondary school that I knew any girls my own age and realised how different I was.

Somewhere along the line I had given up on wanting to be a boy and kind of settled on being in between, on being me. Then I found out about different genders and I realised that they fit me better. Which non-binary gender fits me best - I'm not exactly sure but agenderflux is a pretty good match for how I feel so I'm sticking with that for now.

I feel more comfortable being paired with a boy for stuff at school than a girl or being called a boy but 'he' and 'him' don't feel any more right than 'she' or 'her'. I tried using gender neutral pronouns on myself like 'them' and 'sie' and 'zir' but they don't feel right either. (Feel free to use any pronouns on me that you wish, I don't mind. You never know, you could help me find the ones that feel right.)

I asked some of my friends how they knew that they were male or female and I could connect with some from boys and girls. The one that stands out most is "To be honest, they [boys] feel like a different species." I agree with her, but girls also feel like a different species.

I don't know if what I said makes any sense, if anyone cares or even if I answered the question at the top, but here's my thoughts.

Welcome to AVEN lacybi! A lot of what you've said makes sense to me; I used to make friends a lot with the not-stereotypical girls and boys too. They just made more sense to me :P And the whole changing of genders thing... well, there's a reason I identify as genderfluid! ;) For me, though, it doesn't seem to be as situation-dependent; I just go through genders as a function of time.

Hmmm, Its kind of like A factory was trying to make a ship. So they send you the intructions/manual on how to operate your boat. Though when the factory ends up finishing your exterior, they are left with the outside of a plane, and the inside the controls are half boat and train.So at first you sit on the inside reading your instructions, trying to figure out how pass as any other airplane...though as a pilot you end up way to stressed and start slipping up. So eventually you go with what you know. I'm still transportation, I want to be on the water. which makes the controls feel more natural to you.....though on the outside people see a really confused airplane. You think you have it all figured out internally. though the next day, you refuel, go on the water and the boat controls aren't working the same. You eventually realize the other controls are working slendidly, and you want to be a train today. so you head for the tracks and people still see a very confused plane, instead of just tranportation. you personally, never notcing the exterior of the vechiles, couldn't see the difference in transportation. you thought you were just transportation, and why anyone would identify as a boat,plane or train was their own buisness. Though at the same time some days you felt like you weren't just transportation...though couldn't quite figure out if you were a boat or a train. you ask other tranportation how they feel, but give anwers like....of course your suppposed to be an airplane it's just how your designed. It was obvious to you, they put much wieght on the exterior, but couldn't understand the controls. so you give up and just feel how you feel, if you find a way to explain it, you do. We are all just transportation anwyways.

Wow. This is a really good analogy/explanation! Thank you, I think I'm going to remember this.

for me it's best described as not feeling any male or female within me. (not the best way of describing it, but hopefully it'll do)

Sometimes, it's the simplest explanations that work the best! Welcome to AVEN

[StrawberryMilkTea]

Alright, this is going to take a while. I mean, we're getting onto the topic of my gender, and that is some confusing crap.

Let's start this with the fact that I was born a female. I grew up as a stereotypical girl. I wore dresses, and I played with dolls. Although lately (about 4 years or so) I've started having conflict about my gender. I hated looking feminine, but I disliked my figure. Even being called a girl bothered me. It's not that I want to be a guy though. I just, don't really feel comfortable with the roles and appearances that genders have. I don't really want to be a girl, but I don't want to be a guy either.

Any advice/help for an awkward and uncomfortable new member?

[jack616]

Strawberry milk tea (what a lovely name!),

There's a whole letter in the LGBTQQIIAP+ for people who are Questioning :) Welcome! Take the time to look around, question, and hopefully discover new aspects about yourself that may make things clearer for you.

Try to enjoy the journey as you take it.

(Not always easy to remember!)

Good luck with it x

[jack616]

What it feels like being trans: always looking for places with gender neutral toilets so I can relax a bit more.

I really miss the unisex loos I used to have at my old work! :(

[Emery.]

When I was younger and before I accepted anything was different from me, I'd say things like:

"I wish no one had visible sexual traits. They'd just be hidden until 2 people negotiated sex and they go off in private and leave the rest of us alone."

I would get weird looks, but it made perfect sense to me!

:)

I mostly feel agender, but sometimes fluctuate between the 2.

I didnt know gender has anything to do with body until I hit puberty and biology teacher told my class about reproductive organs ( it happened royghly at the same time). Phew ;) We laughed at human anatomy a lot. These organs seemed so wierd XD I thought everyone can get pregnant and also bewildered my parents with this view once. Because everyone has a tummy, and babies emerge from tummies, right? Via cesarian

[Heart]

Alright, this is going to take a while. I mean, we're getting onto the topic of my gender, and that is some confusing crap.

Well, you couldn't be more right than with this sentence here ;)

Gender takes a while to figure out for most people. Some people get it right away, but in my experience, most people need a journey to get there. I certainly did. Have a cup of tea and a slice of cake, settle in, and make yourself at home. We're happy to help with whatever we can