What it feels like to be trans, genderqueer or genderless

[Rising Sun]

Yes, you're right about exercise. I'm fine with my large bust, but there is definitely some extra fat on my hips. I managed to lose a lot of weight a few years ago, but I don't know if I'll manage to lose more on my hips considering the rest of my body is now slim.

[Zapstileon]

Well you're going to have to build muscles and lose fat. We don't want super slim, as that looks feminine even on bio-men. We want muscular because muscular makes you less feminine. If your goal is androgynous, you want, as Zen mentioned, to hide certain features and promote others. You might want to make your waist more muscular, but not so much that it doesn't show at all. For me, when I opted for androgynous, I just wore sports bra's rather than normal bra's as they flatten more than they expose. So your chest wouldn't be as prominent. I don't know how that would work on you, but you can alway try.

[The Wreyck]

Well obviously, we are going in different directions, but I think some of the principles are the same. What you lack, you make up for accentuating what you *do* have, and what you're trying to hide, you don't necessarily have to totally hide if you can reshape it a bit and add distraction. That's how the best magicians work, distracting the audience to not always see what is in plain sight. And what we are trying to do *is* a bit of magic, in a manner of speaking.

Boobs tend to be teardrop shaped, so for someone who has pecs, which are angular, one has to do a bit of re-shaping. You're doing the same thing when you flatten what you have, and the more angular the result, the better the effect. But, you reach a place where the law of diminishing returns comes in to rain on the parade. That's where the distraction comes in.. .. things like building up your shoulders, which aren't as biggish on you as they would be on me. Anything you can do to bring your hip-to-shoulder ratio closer to one is going to work in your favor. . Also, if you can somehow accentuate your biceps and triceps (especially the triceps, since they SCREAM MALE), you're going to help distract from your bust. Just seeing a more angular bust prepares people's gender radar to go to the next steps, which could be the triceps. Angular bust.... check..... Triceps.... Check...... bigger at the shoulders than at the waist and hips.... check..... "It's a guy."

Okay, I do it with padding, some of which was made from homemade stuff at first. Google up 'Flubber Recipe' and 'GAK recipe. This stuff is dirt cheap to make and you can make all kinds of padding and prostheses out of it. You can even give it a flesh tone.

BTW, check out 'Cloud Atlas', the movie.... they were positively GENIUS at gender bending famous actresses and actors, and I'd bet they used some of the same techniques. Susan Sarandon played a male religious figure in one of the scenes, and I totally missed it!

Yes, I know what you mean about accentuating what you do have, and distracting and such when it comes to clothing choice. I do attempt to on some level. Unfortunately that requires taking on a type of clothing style that is not my preferred. And I'm lucky in the fact that even without working out I have somewhat larger biceps and triceps, and have a pretty straight figure simply because even though my shoulders are relatively narrow, my hips are extremely small, also. I am fascinated by the whole angular bust thing, though. I definitely am going to have to look into that. Definitely.

I think my biggest barrier in achieving male appearance is my size. I'm lucky that if I style my shorter hair in the right manner and assume the right expression, I can take a photo shoulder and up that looks like a male. But if I were to take a full body photo, or if you were to see me in person, that illusion tends to disappear. Because, well, I'm TINY. Very tiny. I am very short, have tiny hands, tiny feet, even a tiny head. <_< And I have a distinctly childlike, feminine voice. The most I can hope to pull off is a young boy, which is just sad and not what I want to pull off at all. =____=

[Calligraphette_Coe]

I think my biggest barrier in achieving male appearance is my size. I'm lucky that if I style my shorter hair in the right manner and assume the right expression, I can take a photo shoulder and up that looks like a male. But if I were to take a full body photo, or if you were to see me in person, that illusion tends to disappear. Because, well, I'm TINY. Very tiny. I am very short, have tiny hands, tiny feet, even a tiny head. <_< And I have a distinctly childlike, feminine voice. The most I can hope to pull off is a young boy, which is just sad and not what I want to pull off at all. =____=

::::sighs::::: Yes, size is the most difficult thing to overcome. You can change a lot of things, but changing bone sizes and shapes is just not on the menu of possibilities. At least as of yet. I've known a few FTMs with that problem, too. Thing is, that tended to fade into the background, in my mind, at least, when they changed other secondary sexual characteristics and traits. I just couldn't see them as women, but just what they presented as.... men.

There are a lot of male movie stars that are a lot smaller than they appear on the silver screen. I know they do it with careful editing and camera angles.

Funny story about head size and appearances being deceiving? I guess I'm almost the perfect body type for being androgynous, but for someone of my median build, I definitely have a deceptively big head when it comes to getting hats. Or brain surgery. I'm on a gurney at Johns Hopkins and they are shaving parts of my head and fitting me with a big frame that actually screws into my skull bones. Here you have a world class neurosurgeon who you would think would be good at guessing head sizes? He had to get a bigger appliance for me. Twice. He even said, "There's something about you, you definitely have a larger skull than someone would think looking at the rest of you. I wonder if that's why you have the congenital vessels anomaly. Hmmmm...."

The other funny thing I've noticed about androgyny, too, ties in with what you said about appearing a lot younger. That happens to me ALL the time. I get the 'boyish' or 'kind face' or 'baby face' comment a lot and people routinely guess my age as being as much as 15 years younger than I am. And I have to think that has an impression on who people look at you professionally, at least for first impressions.

On the other hand, I wouldn't want to be a manager anyway. They tried to force it upon me for 6 months, and it was a disaster. I got the "sheesh, you don't seem to get it.... sometimes you have to kick some ass to get things done. You're too easy on them!"

Blech.

But don't give up. I sometimes think of it like that old Rolling Stones's song:

.... you can't always get what you want.

No, you can't always get what you waaaaaaant.

you can't always get what you want,

But if you try sometimes

well you just might find....

you get what you need.

[Zapstileon]

I think my biggest barrier in achieving male appearance is my size. I'm lucky that if I style my shorter hair in the right manner and assume the right expression, I can take a photo shoulder and up that looks like a male. But if I were to take a full body photo, or if you were to see me in person, that illusion tends to disappear. Because, well, I'm TINY. Very tiny. I am very short, have tiny hands, tiny feet, even a tiny head. <_< And I have a distinctly childlike, feminine voice. The most I can hope to pull off is a young boy, which is just sad and not what I want to pull off at all. =____=

Voice can be trained though. Perhaps not perfectly, but you could possibly make it sound a little deeper. Anatomy is trickier. But I think even that... I mean, certain clothes make you look tall and skinny, so I'm sure you could work something out.

I'll just refer you to the actor Scott Caan, who is sporting a full 1.65 metres. If he can be a short man, then so can you, besides there are women out there way taller than the average man - my old roommate for one. People come in all kinds of different sizes. I am taller than my ex-boyfriend. I would have been forced by my mother to wear high heels to prom, but he was shorter than me by a few centimetres so it would apparently not look so good if I had high heels (thank goodness).

The other funny thing I've noticed about androgyny, too, ties in with what you said about appearing a lot younger. That happens to me ALL the time. I get the 'boyish' or 'kind face' or 'baby face' comment a lot and people routinely guess my age as being as much as 15 years younger than I am. And I have to think that has an impression on who people look at you professionally, at least for first impressions.

I know a few people who'd give a kidney to be perceived as being 15 years younger than they are. Professionally, it's probably hell. And if you're 30 and being seen as a 15 year old, I can see the frustration. But at some point, people are more and more pleased to be perceived as being young. I was helping a friend out with his convenience store, and a woman was buying cigarettes. I asked her for an ID because she looked young to me, and she was so pleased she almost forgot her wallet at the counter.

Actually, androgyny is the one thing I love about young children. In most children, the only way to tell the difference in gender is by undressing them or looking at how they are dressed. If a boy wears girls clothes, he passes perfectly, and a girl passes perfectly as a boy. They are identical anyway.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

I know a few people who'd give a kidney to be perceived as being 15 years younger than they are. Professionally, it's probably hell. And if you're 30 and being seen as a 15 year old, I can see the frustration. But at some point, people are more and more pleased to be perceived as being young. I was helping a friend out with his convenience store, and a woman was buying cigarettes. I asked her for an ID because she looked young to me, and she was so pleased she almost forgot her wallet at the counter.

Actually, androgyny is the one thing I love about young children. In most children, the only way to tell the difference in gender is by undressing them or looking at how they are dressed. If a boy wears girls clothes, he passes perfectly, and a girl passes perfectly as a boy. They are identical anyway.

You may already have seen the picture, then, of President Franklin Delano Roosevelt as a very young boy in a lacy gown and mary janes on the cover of an old issue of Life magazine. If not, Goggle up 'baby Franklin D. Roosevelt'.

I'm second in birth order, and one of biggest disappointments I remember from childhood was being told it was absolutely VERBOTEN to dress like my sister. I was just insatiably jealous over having to wear dumb stuff like pants, and later on, when going to Church, having to wear a horrid necktie.

At least my parents indulged my budding hunger for books, pens/pencils/paper and tools. But dresses and hair ribbons? Not so much.

[Zapstileon]

I know a few people who'd give a kidney to be perceived as being 15 years younger than they are. Professionally, it's probably hell. And if you're 30 and being seen as a 15 year old, I can see the frustration. But at some point, people are more and more pleased to be perceived as being young. I was helping a friend out with his convenience store, and a woman was buying cigarettes. I asked her for an ID because she looked young to me, and she was so pleased she almost forgot her wallet at the counter.

Actually, androgyny is the one thing I love about young children. In most children, the only way to tell the difference in gender is by undressing them or looking at how they are dressed. If a boy wears girls clothes, he passes perfectly, and a girl passes perfectly as a boy. They are identical anyway.

You may already have seen the picture, then, of President Franklin Delano Roosevelt as a very young boy in a lacy gown and mary janes on the cover of an old issue of Life magazine. If not, Goggle up 'baby Franklin D. Roosevelt'.

I'm second in birth order, and one of biggest disappointments I remember from childhood was being told it was absolutely VERBOTEN to dress like my sister. I was just insatiably jealous over having to wear dumb stuff like pants, and later on, when going to Church, having to wear a horrid necktie.

At least my parents indulged my budding hunger for books, pens/pencils/paper and tools. But dresses and hair ribbons? Not so much.

See? Boys can wear dresses! Actually, pink used to be the boy colour and light blue the one for baby girls. Because pink was a form for red, which was masculine.

Oh the jealousy I had of my cousin and his video games... I wasn't even old enough to know what video games were but they were so cool! I wanted to play. Not that he (or any of the adults) let me.

I once adopted one of his t-shirts because he grew out of it (I probably adopted more than the one, but I remember the one) and I remember almost feeling embarrassed to wear it because I wasn't supposed to be a boy, but it made me look like one and I loved it. It felt like a sin (I was five with a religious mother...) My hair was always jaw length because I was really bad at brushing it, so it didn't take much. I always had my mother's husband buy things like model cars and animal figures for me because all my mother bought was these Barbie dolls, and I always thought dolls were creepy. I still think dolls are creepy. They are little people... with eyes and everything...

[Calligraphette_Coe]

I once adopted one of his t-shirts because he grew out of it (I probably adopted more than the one, but I remember the one) and I remember almost feeling embarrassed to wear it because I wasn't supposed to be a boy, but it made me look like one and I loved it. It felt like a sin (I was five with a religious mother...) My hair was always jaw length because I was really bad at brushing it, so it didn't take much. I always had my mother's husband buy things like model cars and animal figures for me because all my mother bought was these Barbie dolls, and I always thought dolls were creepy. I still think dolls are creepy. They are little people... with eyes and everything...

Not that they would have gotten me one had I expressed an interest, but I, too, was kinda creeped out by baby dolls. And Barbie just seemed to be a really bizarre caricature. That said, I still collect some porcelain fashion-type dolls. What I loved as a kiddo were plush toys. One of my favorites was a turquoise Scotty dog. And I still like plush toys, too.

And then there was the sports equipment Christmases and the Christmases where Santa brought guns. Funny thing, I'd trade them for tools. And when I got a little older and more adept with their use, I'd use them to make unique model guns that I sold to the boys. But then I was always bugging my mom to teach me how to sew, and she finally did. I've always been glad I learned how to do that.

I guess since I was 'sensitive' and rated as a 'gifted child' who was very precocious, they were in denial and thought it was just a child's propensity for curiosity and that I'd grow out of it when I hit puberty. (Didn't work).

One thing I miss about going to gender community get-togethers was sitting around and getting some laughs about the extents our parents went to try to cure us, and how different people rebelled against gender conformity and the ways they did it. I always LOVED the one some of the transmasculine guys told about how their Barbies tended to tie up their Ken dolls or where Ken played the part of 'damsel in distress' and their Barbies would come repelling down the castle walls on ropes to rescue them. Hee hee hee....poor Ken.

[Zapstileon]

I once adopted one of his t-shirts because he grew out of it (I probably adopted more than the one, but I remember the one) and I remember almost feeling embarrassed to wear it because I wasn't supposed to be a boy, but it made me look like one and I loved it. It felt like a sin (I was five with a religious mother...) My hair was always jaw length because I was really bad at brushing it, so it didn't take much. I always had my mother's husband buy things like model cars and animal figures for me because all my mother bought was these Barbie dolls, and I always thought dolls were creepy. I still think dolls are creepy. They are little people... with eyes and everything...

Not that they would have gotten me one had I expressed an interest, but I, too, was kinda creeped out by baby dolls. And Barbie just seemed to be a really bizarre caricature. That said, I still collect some porcelain fashion-type dolls. What I loved as a kiddo were plush toys. One of my favorites was a turquoise Scotty dog. And I still like plush toys, too.

And then there was the sports equipment Christmases and the Christmases where Santa brought guns. Funny thing, I'd trade them for tools. And when I got a little older and more adept with their use, I'd use them to make unique model guns that I sold to the boys. But then I was always bugging my mom to teach me how to sew, and she finally did. I've always been glad I learned how to do that.

I guess since I was 'sensitive' and rated as a 'gifted child' who was very precocious, they were in denial and thought it was just a child's propensity for curiosity and that I'd grow out of it when I hit puberty. (Didn't work).

One thing I miss about going to gender community get-togethers was sitting around and getting some laughs about the extents our parents went to try to cure us, and how different people rebelled against gender conformity and the ways they did it. I always LOVED the one some of the transmasculine guys told about how their Barbies tended to tie up their Ken dolls or where Ken played the part of 'damsel in distress' and their Barbies would come repelling down the castle walls on ropes to rescue them. Hee hee hee....poor Ken.

Oh, they got me one of those porcelain dolls that actually looked like me. Only really, really pretty and dressed-up (As those dolls usually are and as I usually am not). My mother trying to compensate for what she didn't have? Step sister got one too. She, of course, loved it. It looked like her, with blue eyes, pale skin and blond curls. I paid mine little mind.

And that time I forced my mother to exchange the artistic ice skates they bought me for christmas because I wanted hockey skates. My step sister was entirely happy with her pale white ice skates. I wanted the awesome black hockey skates because 'I am not a ballerina!' Or that time my step sister actually shrieked because our presents got mixed up and she got the Game Boy that was meant for me.

I don't think my mother ever realised how I didn't conform to gender roles. It wasn't unusual for girls to act a little like boys. I was just considered to be your average tomboy with a bit of a preference for male friends and skateboards.

But there is one episode I distinctly remember which actually had a great effect on my interaction with people. There was a day care center with one of those street-patterned carpets, which drew my attention instantly. My mother was at the gym or something and left me there, and I sat down at the carpet with toy cars that I drove around. And the day care lady and all the other children told me I wasn't allowed to play there because I was a girl and girls aren't supposed to play with cars. That is the worst case of gender discrimination I have ever experienced. I am probably lucky that that was the worst one, but I was five I think, and it made me really sad. I spent the rest of the time in a corner not talking to anyone. Since then, I've always been very careful not to give off the wrong vibe, not to distinctly show my more masculine features. I would certain toys, just to avoid another episode of "You can't because you're a girl!" And then when I was alone, I'd be my not-so-girly self again. I can only imagine the shit I'd go through in my primary school if I hadn't been careful. I was bullied anyway, but it could be a lot worse. To this day I stay clear of people with strong opinions of gender roles.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

I don't think my mother ever realised how I didn't conform to gender roles. It wasn't unusual for girls to act a little like boys. I was just considered to be your average tomboy with a bit of a preference for male friends and skateboards.

But there is one episode I distinctly remember which actually had a great effect on my interaction with people. There was a day care center with one of those street-patterned carpets, which drew my attention instantly. My mother was at the gym or something and left me there, and I sat down at the carpet with toy cars that I drove around. And the day care lady and all the other children told me I wasn't allowed to play there because I was a girl and girls aren't supposed to play with cars. That is the worst case of gender discrimination I have ever experienced. I am probably lucky that that was the worst one, but I was five I think, and it made me really sad. I spent the rest of the time in a corner not talking to anyone. Since then, I've always been very careful not to give off the wrong vibe, not to distinctly show my more masculine features. I would certain toys, just to avoid another episode of "You can't because you're a girl!" And then when I was alone, I'd be my not-so-girly self again. I can only imagine the shit I'd go through in my primary school if I hadn't been careful. I was bullied anyway, but it could be a lot worse. To this day I stay clear of people with strong opinions of gender roles.

I can only imagine how Danica Patrick, like you, encountered that, too. And we know how *that* worked out. (Well, except for Richard Petty getting all petty about her status.) I hate that--- sheesh, let kids play with the toys they want! Homophobic idiots and gender bigots be damned. It's like 'OMG, a GIRL playing with trucks! Run for your lives!' Ditto for 'OMG, a BOY that likes pretty things!'

I'm just glad that books, writing supplies ( and later technology) and art supplies weren't strictly divided by gender. They were my sanctuary, and I've never had cause to regret that lifelong love of them. Being small, I just hated the 'rough and tumble' boy's activities.

Which reminds me of all the crap I got for being only 1 of 2 XYs in my high school typing class. Now, that would be almost laughable, but it shows you what a backwards culture I grew up in. My parents about threw a fit when I used the typewriter they bought for my sister more than she did. I was just SO taken in by it, and paid no one any attention when they made the obvious connection about only secretaries would use them and only girls were secretaries.

I just sometimes want to scream "Is your worldview REALLY that small?"

I just feel soo vindicated in the way technology erased that distinction.

[Zapstileon]

I'm just glad that books, writing supplies ( and later technology) and art supplies weren't strictly divided by gender. They were my sanctuary, and I've never had cause to regret that lifelong love of them. Being small, I just hated the 'rough and tumble' boy's activities.

Which reminds me of all the crap I got for being only 1 of 2 XYs in my high school typing class. Now, that would be almost laughable, but it shows you what a backwards culture I grew up in. My parents about threw a fit when I used the typewriter they bought for my sister more than she did. I was just SO taken in by it, and paid no one any attention when they made the obvious connection about only secretaries would use them and only girls were secretaries.

I wish there were more such hobbies that weren't bound by gender expectations. There are far too many hobbies that put you into a box of male or female, without any grounds other than your liking of doing it. Dancing for instance - particularly ballet - seems to put boys in that uncomfortable place of being considered feminine. In my step sister's ballet class, there was one boy and fifteen girls. That's one hell of a ratio, and I don't think it's because boys don't want to dance. And then things like boxing, which are considered a largely male activity, makes women feel awkward joining a team.

Ooh typewriters! My stepfather has an electric one, and I used to love the thing. I'd sit on it for hours, not even writing stories, just writing. I love the sound those make.

On a not completely unrelated note, this TED talk pretty much explains my view on gender:

[Calligraphette_Coe]

On a not completely unrelated note, this TED talk pretty much explains my view on gender:

I loved what he had to say- in a way he started where Kate Bornstein left off. It was the same kind of things I was saying back in the late 90s when I was that little brunette you're seeing a bit to the left of this text. :) Only it got me booted out of the community and stalked, so I left for the desert because, I guess, people weren't ready for non-op asexuals who were also noho and identified as androgynous and genderqueer. Nobody wanted those labels, so I didn't get accused of misappropriation, etc, etc, etc.

(BTW, I'm sad to report, Kate is having a really, really bad time battling cancer.)

That electric typewriter wouldn't have happened to be an IBM Selectric II, would it? Those things were tanks and are the stuff of legends!

[Zapstileon]

I loved what he had to say- in a way he started where Kate Bornstein left off. It was the same kind of things I was saying back in the late 90s when I was that little brunette you're seeing a bit to the left of this text. :) Only it got me booted out of the community and stalked, so I left for the desert because, I guess, people weren't ready for non-op asexuals who were also noho and identified as androgynous and genderqueer. Nobody wanted those labels, so I didn't get accused of misappropriation, etc, etc, etc.

(BTW, I'm sad to report, Kate is having a really, really bad time battling cancer.)

That electric typewriter wouldn't have happened to be an IBM Selectric II, would it? Those things were tanks and are the stuff of legends!

Fortunately for me, I was born in the 90's so whatever prejudice people had was dying out by the time I was old enough to experience it. I was just that tomboy that didn't really like playing with girls and dolls. Hah I remember how depressed I was in my first SexEd class that I had to listen to the disgusting stuff like boobs and periods with the girls when the boys were speaking of cool stuff like voice change in another room. So much for world change, ey. Wonder if they ask children now what gender they prefer... They seem to do so in some schools in Sweden. Using gender neutral pronouns and such in preschool.

On the other hand, you made a prettier brunette back then than I make now. Seriously, I can't pull off the pretty girl look. I look so awkward and... mismatched. It's like when you are part of one of those school plays, and you play the role of a tree or something that shouldn't be animated at all. You stand there and don't really know what to do with yourself, because you're supposed to be a tree of sorts. And how do you act a tree?

Hmm no, not quite so classy. It was a Brother something. It is currently gathering dust somewhere in the house. I might go rescue it one day.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

On the other hand, you made a prettier brunette back then than I make now. Seriously, I can't pull off the pretty girl look. I look so awkward and... mismatched. It's like when you are part of one of those school plays, and you play the role of a tree or something that shouldn't be animated at all. You stand there and don't really know what to do with yourself, because you're supposed to be a tree of sorts. And how do you act a tree?

You can prolly guess how I was invariably cast in those school plays. Sometimes, though, it felt like those times were reality and it was life (lower case 'L') that was a play with a bad ending.

At least I learned a lot about clothing and makeup from plays/theater. And that truth was sometimes a lot stranger than fiction, but in a delightful way if you gave it the chance.

I always made a better cypress than an oak. S'okay if I leave that oak role for you. :)

[blossombreeze]

I have a problem with the race analogy.. I don't think that because you act like a "white person" (which is sometimes kinda expected from a person of color, just in order to get a job/go to school/gain any power in this white dominated society) you are now white. That doesnt make sense. I don't think Tiger Woods (or any other mixed race person of color, status aside) appreciates part of their ethnicity being ignored on a daily basis just because they act a certain way. Even though I see the point, it's problematic to compare race and gender.

I explain my gender identity like this: i'm designed female at birth and non binary/genderfluid. This means that I ackgnowledge both the feminine spirit within me and the masculine spirit within me, which is not dependent on my genitals. I never feel 100% female or 100% male at any given moment, but always a fluid mixture of both.

[angelicpyro143]

I need help figuring out what i am

[ghoul]

Ok, so just think of the concept of just... some physical pain that's unbearable, think of that concept... That's how it feels like spiritualy, psychologicaly - to just exist. It feels frustrating, claustrophobic, it feels like there's just no future where anything's gonna be alright. I could give a simple answer and say "when I was born, someone crossed out this option out of two options, and later I was like "wait a moment, I'm that other option"... My experience is just... I imagine, dream, fantasize of how things would be so much better if I could look myself in the mirror and see traits that I feel like I should've been born with.

But yeah, sometimes I feel very good when I manage to get stuff with my looks right, or when people say stuff that makes me feel good.. But mostly, it's just pain. Pain and despair in their purest form... I'm not fully sure how a gender feels like, I'm assuming that's what this is actually asking... My gender is sort of like this image I have of my identity in my head, a collection of traits that I just feel like my body, my life style, my actions, everything in my life should go according to.

[Heart]

I need help figuring out what i am

Welcome to AVEN angelicpyro! Have you had a chance to check out the master definitions list, at the top of the topics list in this forum (Gender)? Did anything resonate with you? How do you feel about gender (I assume you're asking about gender?)?

We'll try to help however we can, so welcome to gender!

[flamboy-ant]

My Adolescence, Gender Performance

an excerpt from a paper I wrote for my Women and Gender Studies course I thought Id share.

-

"When I was eight i began correcting pronouns for myself. I didnt know why and literally no one else noticed what was happening. If my friends were over and we came up with a role-playing game, id be The King or the Dictator or The Giant Snake That Lives In the Lake. These titles for me were more comfortable than Nurse or Wife or Princess. I didnt know why i preferred these alternate and for the most part masculine titles. All I knew is in order for the game to be fun, I had to be comfortable. My friends never noticed. To them a little girl taking masculine titles was quirky and fun and so they went with it. I was fine assuming I was female as long as I didnt have to call myself a Lady or a Woman. These titles were gross to me. They had cooties.

When I turned thirteen puberty hit. I wanted to look cute, although not for anyone other than myself. I wanted to feel cute. Id wear short skirts with ruffles and striped tights and shirts with long sleeves. I was into the black/neon look; goth with a color twist. It felt awesome wearing these feminine-but-not-too-feminine clothes. I could wear girly things that I felt cute in without feeling like I was dressed girly plus id hated pastels and jeans. The breasts growing in got in the way of this. I gained weight and I remember how often Id get on the scale every morning. I remember comparing my weight to an attractive boy in our class and feeling ugly and misshapen like id grown into a monster with eight arms a chubby girl face and a body which was covered in lard. I was 5ft5 and I weighed 125. I had a flat stomach. Id get hit on and crushed on by guys. I hated my body. If Id known about puberty blockers Id have begged my mother to let me take them. Id have started dieting earlier. Id have gotten down to a size 0. Id have stayed in a little boys body and continued to wear cute things. I was unable.

Gender binary was like a tyrant ruler. It stood over me my entire adolescence shouting rules from its Code of Conduct manual. All little girls grow into big girls. Teen girls are fat. Teen girls have breasts. Teen girls bleed. Teen girls get into trouble. Teen girls fall in love. Teen girls get pregnant. My adolescence was spent cowering in fear of gender performance

[Heart]

Wow. That's really powerful. Thank you for sharing, I enjoyed reading that

[Raven Madd]

I identify as male to most, though I think I am more... Ehm... I wouldn't say genderless, not gendermore...

Just think of me as those really feminine anime males who are half human, and half cutesy fluffy animal, like a cat or something.

That's what I think I am.

A cute ball of fluff with a human body. That sounds weird... but I feel like I was meant to be furry and fluffy (Not hairy.)

I don't know. I'm not just in between genders, but I feel as if I'm meant to be an entirely different race from humanity. T_T If that makes sense. JUST like those half animal-half human anime characters. The ones that always walk like a human, have a human body, but have bizarre coloured hair, a tail, and big cute animal ears.

How else can / have you described what it feels like to be trans / genderqueer / genderless?

In a respect to gender, I feel kind of offended when people place me in a male, or female category. I do kind of bad in social situations due to this, sometimes. It depends on my mood. But when I'm alone, I don't think of myself as male, or female. Just a body, mind, and soul that has more feminine characteristics than masculine ones.

Regarding the whole race issue... T_T Well, I've come up with a story I like for describing that, though I never told anyone how I feel about that. I usually like to declare to myself, that I "must be from Venus.", I always use the planet Venus. I've always liked the name for some unknown reason.

I really don't know. I think I'd fit better into myself if I was one of those half-animal half-human people in anime/manga. I'd feel more comfortable with myself.

What would the psychologists call this? Racial dysmorphia? Haha. Still...

To me, I'm a combination of genders, that's a cute ball of fluffiness. xD

I identify with this more than almost anything I've ever seen on this site or heard from anyone else. I constantly refer to myself as a cat or a kitten, half of my shirts have cats on them, and I literally meow at people on a daily basis. People know this of me and have gotten used to it, and a few of them meow back at me which always makes me really happy. I just love to cuddle with anyone and when people pet me I just wish I could purr. I don't really identify as a gender, I don't even identify as a human. I see humans as animals, ones that I don't quite understand and I'm not so sure how to interact with them sometimes because I don't feel like I see as they do. I have such a difficult time identifying with people for this reason, but there are a few I've found that are wonderful to be around.

[Spectre/Ex/Machina]

Im an Androgynous Paragender Male. I female genitals but I have reassigned the rest of my body male. I am a man and people needa realize it, get over it or just get out of my life. Im done with the drama.

I wrote more about what I've gone trough in this post.

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/110278-gender-whiplash-and-growing-pains/

[pinkroses]

I am born with female body parts. i did feel girly at times when i was younger. i dressed up girly. i played with dolls. but since i was child I always leaned towards boyish stuff. I was mental a tomboy, but i didnt indulge myself in those things. i wanted to try soccer but not even money and no time, no one was avaiable to take me to the practices. i wanted to try track but i was afraid to try since i was a girl and i didnt know any girls that did track. the only other girl that i knew in the same place was doing cheer leading. I tried atv once and i loved it.

I lean towards dressing comfortable. i prefer jeans and a graphic t shirt rather than dresses and skirts.

there were moments where i felt closer to a boy than a girl mentally.

even playing with games, i changed my character to a guy and I was content with it, at times slightly gleeful. and I was okay with people thinking I was a guy. I have even thought of cutting my hair short, but it sticks up and frizzes so i cant pull off short hair. :(

I have felt confused and akward. I felt i needed to fit into the girl box, except that is not how I am. so i was left feeling unhappy. :(

im still trying to figure things out and work on it. except i dont know how .

[Aworld]

I'm still not entirely sure what I am ... I've always wanted a body like a Barbie doll - that is, neutral and without all the reproduction-y bits or breasts (well okay Barbie dolls do have those), but still looking and dressing like a girl. Mostly. I have always been a mix of tomboy and girly-girl, often in phases. Like sometimes I'll wear dresses and skirts and grow my hair long and try and look as nice as possible, and sometimes (like now) I cut my hair short and just wear whatever feels comfortable, which usually ends up being jeans and a top. Inside I feel more like a girl than a boy, but I don't feel as much of a girl as other girls seem to. When I was little I would play with dolls like the other girls, but I'd also go and play video games with the boys because I enjoyed those too, and I always liked pink but I had nothing against other colours like black or blue. I never got into makeup, which is usually considered pretty "girly", though I do like earrings and painting my nails sometimes. I was always kind of a mix. When I was 12, another girl told me that I shouldn't like Pokemon because I'm a girl and Pokemon is for boys. That really made me question things ... (And actually I now know loads of girls who like Pokemon! Not just for boys at all!) In fact, I wasn't fully convinced that I was a real girl until I got my period, and even after that I still felt unsure sometimes. I don't really know how much I feel like a girl. But I definitely don't feel like a boy either, at all. Genderless? I don't know.

[Boo Cat]

I don't feel like I was born in the wrong body, I just don't think I was born in the right one.

Does that make sense?

[The Wreyck]

I'm starting to wonder if I'm more genderfluid than agender or neutrois as I've been going by. But because at the end of the day my claim is still that gender does not truly exist unless I allow it to have power over me as the majority of society does, I will continue in stating that I am neither male, female, or both. But I would say that my gender expression is heavily fluid in that case, and my desire to portray myself as feminine, masculine, or androgynous is what I am fluid in. It can be very disconcerting at times, especially during the transition periods and my more feminine bouts of portrayal and expression. This would be because in general the transition period becomes stressful and confusing as each day I'm trying to determine what I feel comfortable with, and halfway through the day I'll often feel gross and want to do a reversal on my expression but cannot easily because I'll either be stuck in male pants and top or a skirt and blouse until I can get home and change. As a female I only wear loose, longer skirts for modesty as according to my faith. The feminine periods in my life are disconcerting because I am biofemale but heavily consider myself more transmasculine, so when I find myself acting more "feminine", it usually drags me into this retrospective mindset of how I USED to be as a female. Plus my feminine expression is often in reponse to certain people who may enter my life, and without them my default us to be closer to transmasculine than cis-feminine. For instance, I've been more heavily feminine lately, and I believe it has begun since I entered a relationship with a heterosexual male. I'm instinctively fitting myself to him to be more suitable.

Also, the comments about feeling less entirely human and more part animal or such is something that I can relate to. I often consider myself as a "creature" whereas everone else is a "human". Indeed, I'll even call myself "the creature".

[R.Million]

I'm an agender (or genderless) person who was born female. I really really hate that. I feel endangered and seen as a potential sexual victim and taken less seriously in almost all aspects of American culture all because an arbitrary set of unnessessary sex organs I never asked for. The sex I was born with never even crosses my mind until someone heckles me or something and I get a confusing and frustrating reminder. I would do more to neutralize my shape if I didn't know it would be pointless because of the extremely curvy valuptious woman shape I ended up with. I would have surgery if I had the money.

[mymeowmix]

It boils down to this, I hate my body and am willing to risk my life so that one day when I look in the mirror I can see myself as I really am.

[Rising Sun]

For instance, I've been more heavily feminine lately, and I believe it has begun since I entered a relationship with a heterosexual male. I'm instinctively fitting myself to him to be more suitable.

I noticed the same thing.

I also noticed that hormones radically changed my gender perception, more specifically anti-androgens. I think that natural female cycles could in some specific cases play an important part in fluidity, although I didn't experience it enough as I don't want to stop my anti-androgen (which works the same as birth control). Who knows, maybe you'll notice a pattern on a calendar.

[Scottthespy]

Genderless here. I don't 'get' girls or guys. I make friends with both easily. People tend to think I'm a boy when I first meet them online (yes, the username is solely to blame), but then find out I'm (physically) extremely female, and are usually confused. When I dream or daydream, my gender doesn't play into it at all. I'm aromantic, so I never have to worry about 'what is my romantic identity and how does that factor into my gender?'. My mental image of myself is androgynous in both form and clothes. Looks very little like my waking self. I don't feel akin to male or female, looking at both as 'just not quite what I am'. I think I sort of feel like a child before they figure out there's a difference between girls and boys. Back when we're so young we haven't had time to be programmed by society as to what 'our gender' is supposed to act like.