What it feels like to be trans, genderqueer or genderless

September 12, 2010

er... i know you're speaking from your own experience, Myrzen, and i'm sure you've met people who've confirmed your ideas about this. but just as a point of information, there are any number of women who are ready, willing, and able to fall in love with transmen or any other biological females anywhere along the gender spectrum (my fiancee is one of them, and i know there are others here as well), and i think they'd be quite offended to be told they're not "real women".

just wanted to be the one to say it.

September 12, 2010

I really wouldnt want to offend any one with what I said and I am sorry if i did.

So maybe the correct wording should be instead of real, straight/hetero women .

In any case , in my country we are still so back in openmindness , values and acceptance where I can not even tell to my friends that I am asexual let alone discuss with another female what she would really like to have in a relationship.

September 12, 2010

There are a number of straight and heterosexual women who are or have been interested in transmen - indeed, there are those who tend to prefer them, for whatever reason.

In fact, most trans men are offended - or at least bewildered - when the women who date them consider themselves to be absolutely lesbian/homosexual, because, despite whatever their anatomy may suggest, they're still men (whatever that means).

September 23, 2010

Hm.

I am female bodied and feel very neutral most of the time, but by default I find that I think of myself as a boy.

Whatever I may identify as,though, I can say for certain that I am most definitely not female. I hate being called a 'girl' or a 'woman' or a 'lady'. and being called 'she' has made me uncomfortable since childhood. I was very energetic and aggressive as a kid, and I always tried as hard as I could to be as un-feminine as possible.

I'm just...not a girl.

September 23, 2010

I so agree with this statement. Only recently was I educated on the genders beyond the gender binary, and this statement reflects my feelings exactly. My sex might be female, but as for my gender, I'm not female, I'm not male, and that's ok. I dress a bit like a guy, but not to the extreme. And when people mix it up, I think it's totally cool. So use whichever pronoun you like, and I'll respond to it. :)

September 24, 2010

Mine is a mix of gender. Mostly I'm just in the middle. I really don't have any feeling of anything. Its more of a complacent attitude. I'm just alive. The situation dictates what gender will become more prominent. I love being considered a girl though. But I tend to stay as nothing by myself so its really hard to really track my gender fluidity because it can change in the matter of seconds.

September 28, 2010

Genderfluid is totally cool. I'm still trying to read up on all the different terms and their definitions. There are so many! I just picked up Gender Trouble from the library. Anyone read it?

October 3, 2010

I have a female body. I am usually apathetic or annoyed at this. I don't really know what being either gender "feels like," I don't really feel like a woman, based on all the things our society says a woman is, but I don't really feel like a man, based on the things society says about men, though I fit some of the more masculine stereotypes (very spacial/visual, hate sappy/romantic stories, usually hide/don't show/talk about emotions, etc.). I have my regular days, where I am just me, whatever that is, and I have my "girly" moments, where I fuss with my hair, take a while figuring out what to wear and dress more feminine/girly than usual, but these are short-lived and rare. This tendency caused my grandmother to ask me on two separate occasions if I were lesbian.

I recently had a friend from college introduce me to some coworkers as his second favorite dude from college, this placement being due to the technicality of not actually being a dude. Just this evening we were playing "Say Anything" (fun game, check it out) with friends and for the question of "What one word best describes me" one friend first wrote "A man's man," but adjusted it to "manly" to meet the "one word" criteria. Both of these things made me smile and kind of proud. I feel much more comfortable and get a burst of pride/joy being called manly/masculine rather than feminine (but being called beautiful can be nice, too). But I don't really feel like a man (or woman). I think the happiness may come partly from recognition of not being feminine, more than anything. Not entirely sure...

My husband is kind of the same in the opposite direction and, when the subject comes up, sometimes likes to say that he is a lesbian in a man's body. He doesn't feel out of place in his own body, enjoys sports like the stereotypical male and says he "likes being a dude," but he also is very stereotypically feminine (openly expresses emotion, more romantic, etc). There is a certain type of woman he has always had an attraction to and he recently told me it was because, on a certain level, he wishes he could be them. He sometimes comments on dresses or jewelry, saying that if he were a woman, those styles would be the ones he'd wear (he's got bohemian girl style). People also thought he was gay when he was growing up/a teenager.

From the time we got together our friends could tell this about us and joked that I was the boyfriend and he was the girlfriend. Completely separate groups of friends have expressed this same thought independently.

While I don't generally feel like a woman, always wish my period would go away completely, have no desire to bear children ever, my breasts are more aggravating/annoying than anything, and I sometimes wish I knew what it was like to have male genitalia, I don't necessarily feel that I'm in the "wrong" body. Sometimes I'll think about this kind of thing and decide that if trying on bodies were possible, I'd definitely try out that of a uterus-less hermaphrodite. I suspect it might suit me best.

October 3, 2010

You do know that identity and orientation are two completely different things, right? Who (if anyone) you are attracted is completely separate from what you feel you are. Some women who feel like women are sexually and romantically drawn to physical males, whereas other women, who also feel like women, are drawn to physical females. Just as some physical men who feel like women are drawn to physical males and some physical men that feel like women are drawn to physical women. Etc., etc., etc.... There are many combinations, because they aren't based on each other.

October 7, 2010

Haruhi Fujioka from Ouran High School Host Club.

And she has a dad who crossdresses. <333

October 10, 2010

I've never really thought about gender as much as I did lately, after joining AVEN and basically learning more about sexuality, gender and all surrounding topics so to speak.

I remember that as a child I wanted to be a boy (fyi, i'm a girl). Mostly 'cause I was tomboy and I just thought it's unfair girls are supposed to be nice and proper and boys are usually stronger and can climb trees without people frowning at them. I have no idea what exactly went through my head, but it had to be something along this line, I think. I was quite shocked when in junior high I've met a girl I knew in elementary school, when I was around 9, and she said to me lightly mocking: "So, do you still want to be a boy?" I was quite confused, but she said I mentioned it in class (how very open of me) and she remembered it. I laughed and said that no, I don't. Later on, when I was growing up I was from time to time thinking: what it would be like to be a guy. Not as I really craved the change, felt wrong or anything. I was just curious. To be honest if there was an option to be once female, once male and switch it on and off, I'd go for it.

Another story defining my gender I think is about a test from some magazine. I know what are usually worth such tests, but this one seemed quite serious and anyway I liked the answer so it stuck with me. The question of the test was what's the gender of your brain? And there were four answers and putting them in order by for which one I got most points it was: neither, either, female, male.

And that actually fits me. I would say: "I'm more female than male if I need to choose."

I don't mind being a girl. Even if in my language grammar is very sexist. But when I dress really femine I feel as if I was putting a show. I don't really mind that. Well, I usually don't bother, 'cause I don't care for femine things, but when I'm in the mood I like it. It feels a bit like a show, but more like "Hey, let's try this new creation in which I look like a princess!" than "I need to put my mask on, to hide my real self." You know, the difference between kids playing thatre and kids pretending it's alright when it isn't.

I am the same way with manly clothing (though I most like to mix both with more from the male side, they're just more comfortable). I like my shirts and ties and I feel sort of manly in them. *shrugs* And then I go back to T-shirt and jeans and I'm me.

October 13, 2010

I'm physically female, but mostly identify as genderless. Being female has never been a big problem for me, never felt wrong or anything. It just kinda was. (Though I have always had a hatred for wearing skirts and dresses except as a costume)

I've always dressed very neutrally, and never worn make-up. My middle school and high school years I was only ever seen in an oversize sweatshirt, jeans, and boots. I got called a boy as often as a girl, which never really bothered me. Actually, I always thought it was really funny when people mistook me for a guy. Some people use my (very feminine) given name, some, mostly close friends or those of the Furry community, use my nickname Ed.

Recently I learned about being genderless or androgyne, and I think it suits me rather well. I have no problems being physically female (actually, I kinda like boobs) but I go to some lengths to dress like a 50's biker in leathers, aviator sunglasses, and motorcycle boots. I'm currently working on getting my bangs cut a little shorter so that I can style a pompadour. (I like ponytails, but I cannot style my hair up like this!) People on the street sometimes call me sir, sometimes call me miss, and it just doesn't bother me that much.

I have many girl friends, but none of them are girly if that makes sense. (though they are fangirls) I do hang around guys most of the time, though, just because it's usually easier to talk cars with men. I don't want to stereotype or be rude, but the majority of the girls that I know talk about clothes, shoes, or men. None of which are subjects I'm interested in.

November 9, 2010

Indeed I share your plight. I tried for so many years to feign interest in these things... what a waste of time! But I guess it is true.. regret is just the past crippling you in the future. Kudos to you for knowing who you are and sticking with it.

November 10, 2010

Well I've been debating whether or not to check these forums, but here goes...

I'm physically male, but don't particularly feel like either. For the most part, I thought I just wasn't as "manly" as the others, probably mostly due to my asexuality, but eventually I realized I just didn't fit that male feel, the inert knowing that someone was a guy without needing to know much more. I never felt those mass agreements that all the other guys always felt, like when some people are fighting outside the school, and even the wel- mannered boys are at least talking about it or wondering how it's going, whereas I'm always thinking about how stupid and pointless they are. It's probably a terrible example but there are just so many of these instances, where I'm the only guy not interested or looking at everyone else from the outside.

Same thing with girls; though I get along with them much better, there's still that seperation that's always there, almost like we're always missing a conversation topic that all the other girls instinctually understand.

At this point I just feel like neither, and it feels right. To my friends, I'm basically everyone's gay friend, and I'm loving it :lol:

I'd like to put in that I don't particularly care what my body is. Just apathetic about it.

November 10, 2010

I'm definitely with both of you on this one! This reminds me of my second year of high school. I had second period off for the semester, so my friends (both girls) and I would sit in the library. They would sit across from me every day, and open a style magazine and comment on everything, like which outfits were pretty, blah blah blah. I would in the meantime be looking at the magazine upside-down since I was sitting across from them, and apart from some mild curiosity, I wasn't interested in it at all. One day, they commented that they should really stop wasting time on these magazines, but that they were hooked. I suggested reading the magazine upside-down; it was sure to be less enticing that way... :lol:

November 10, 2010

If I may butt into this debate:

As many of you know, I'm physically male and present as male, but am female otherwise. Every woman who has ever been attracted to me was either openly lesbian or openly bisexual.

However, I learned the hard way that lesbians forbid each other from dating biological males (just as straight men have a similar rule). And since forbidden love is only cute in the movies... well, you get the idea.

November 13, 2010

After years of answering 'I just know' tgo questions like 'how you you know you're a boy?' and 'what does it feel like to be trans?', I think I've finally figured it out.

All I need to do is look at my future and it al becomes clear: If I imagine myself living in a male body the rest of my life, there is a balloon in my chest swelling up with joy. It makes me want to jump and dance and hug strangers. If I imagine living in a female body the rest of my life, it makes me want to die.

That's it. It's that simple. That's how I 'just know'.

November 27, 2010

I find the whole social ideas circulating around gender incredibly idiotic. I've complained many times and write things about it. It holds my thoughts in chains. (I hope this is a collaspible quote so it doesn't eat space...) Most recently I wrote a note on segregation, saying we should segregate race on things people separate on sex/gender.

(Please note that the following is not intended to be interpreted literally, but instead to point out the ridiculousness of sexism. It was aimed at a group of people who are fine with sexism but vehemently anti-racist, thus I replaced male and female with black and white. The entire point is to find the points within absurd and bad)

It is high time we face the facts that whites and blacks must be separated. The two are too different and must be considered entirely separately in basically everything. The following and more need to be segregated!

Prisons-Blacks are dangerous and a threat to whites. There is a dire need to protect the whites from being attacked or raped by black inmates. Likewise, the guards should be of the same color to prevent disturbing conduct. In fact, let's ban inmates from even seeing anyone of the opposite color in prison.

Sports-We all know blacks and whites have different DNA which causes different development. If you look into the realm of sports, we see whites becoming a minority in many due to not being able to compete fairly with blacks. For the sake of allowing whites to stay phased in, sports must be segregated. And if by chance the two do compete together, whites should be given a handicap.

Also, some sports are only appealing to blacks and some only to whites...so let's make sure no white ever plays football and no black is ever a cheerleader.

Gym Classes-Well we already know from the above point that blacks and whites are different in physical ability. Thus having to compete against each other will make things uncomfortable and unfair.

Schools-Especially pricey private schools. Whites should be able to learn without the threat of blacks, and blacks without the distraction of whites. Integrating schools was a terrible idea that led to much social and fatal tension. End the madness and segregate schools. There's no reason a black needs to be with a white in a learning institution.

Bathrooms-Oh the issues with integrated bathrooms! Why do we want them together? We don't need the opposite colors seeing differences and gawking at each other. Heck, I have no desire to have a black person looking at my genitals. Also, whites wouldn't have to figure about the afro combs in the currently mixed bathrooms.

Refuges-These should be all white. Blacks being the violent people they are have no need to take refuge from violent experiences. Plus blacks will endanger the victim whites, thus counteracting the purpose of the refuge.

Friendship-We all know blacks and whites are incredibly different on the inside, too. Thus we shouldn't treat our friends of different color the same. Maybe I want a whites-night-out, what's the issue? And being the only white in a group of blacks should totally be taboo! In fact, keep blacks and whites out of the same room alone together. Your friends of the opposite color shouldn't be that close to you anyway. Who cares if they're your friends; they're different, so fuck them.

InBetweeness-If someone is born neither blacks nor white, just kinda push them into a category of their own. Maybe let them choose which way to act, but still.....always treat them like the opposite anyway.

Switch-If they artificially change their color then they're a freak. Do the same as inbetweenness but with some digustedness and hatred intertwined.

^^^None of this is racist or wrong. Not that racism is wrong anyway.

Oddly enough, I was in a play the other week as a merry man and someone was insulting some guys during an intermission for being so despicable for having uncommited sex and said "Why can't you be nice guys like Gunnar?" I asked "Hey! What about me?" And she said "I consider you more as a girl." Everyone laughed.....

Generally I'm considered the guy who likes to wear dresses, shop in the girls sections, set its facebook to say female, wear makeup, etc. Some of my closer acquaintances do just refer to me as female(which I prefer, though I consider myself removed from the concept of gender). Others are placing bets on whether I'll get a trans-sex operation.

Ah well, lately I've been poking at gender and related things, as a lot of people cling to them and I find mild amusement in twisting their ideas around with stuff they've never seen before.

Though seriously, I just wish my "friends" would stop treating me differently because of what genitalia I was born with. I can deal with strangers shooting slurs my way, but people who consider themselves close to me....>:( (even my parents are bad about stuff....)

Hey...do you think I should stick by my friends that constantly mistreat me for how I was born or get away from them?

/vent

December 12, 2010

I don't think anybody needs a definite label to themselves or their gender. Since it's kind of subjective sometimes what you are sexually, it's hard to like accurately label yourself. And it gets kind of confusing as hell if you attempted to.

But that's just me. I'm still not familiar with some of the terms I see around the forums referring to gender. As for me right now, I'm genderless. I'm genetically female, though.

But I suppose it just takes a while of getting another person well to make your own judgement on their sexuality. But why would you define a person if they haven't even defined theirselves or find any need to? ._.

December 15, 2010

Isn't gender assigned on the basis of possession of a Y chromosome?

Not trying to be offensive. Please don't attack me for being disrespectful or anything, but I honestly believed that this was the definition of "gender." What, then, is the real definition?

December 15, 2010

Physical sex is assigned by chromosomes, gender is what your mind says you are. If the two don't agree, it's the body that's wrong.

December 15, 2010

Y cromosome is (one of the ways) used to define sex.

To make it short (simplifying here): sex is the body (/cromosomes) you have, gender is what you feel you are.

December 15, 2010

Though really, it's much more complicated than just XX vs. XY.

December 16, 2010

And don't forget the possibility of crossovers on the chromosomes. If enough of the right genes on the Y chromosome cross over onto another chromosome (would probably end up being the X as the X and Y pair up), one could in principle be an XX male (I don't know if this has happened or not but it would seem plausible). Similarly, if enough genes on the Y chromosome get damaged or turned off, you have an XY female.

December 16, 2010

golly, i love you people. the world is vastly more interesting and challenging not only because of the facts you articulate, but because of the fact that you are able to articulate them.

thank you. sincerely.

December 23, 2010

Hmm... well, I consider myself female for convenience sake mostly. I was born female, so that's what I live as. I don't really identify as such, though. I don't like many of the things that I'm supposed to like (a few examples include shopping, make-up, dressing up, gossip, babies, dating) and I don't really relate to other women on a lot of issues. I'm not interested in having kids or getting pregnant either... getting married I can imagine, but only if I met the right person. And I am not one of those women that dream of their wedding day. UGH. I also get very annoyed when people look at me or treat me like a woman or lump me into categories. "Oh, you're a woman... you should know this." For a long time I'd tell people I fail at being a girl. xD

Most of the time it's fine... but I do get upset when people tell me that I should act a certain way, dress a certain way, or that I need to like certain things. I've had a lot of arguments with my dad in the past. He would like me to be more feminine and I just don't really get it. I try, but it feels like I'm living a lie. People say if I wear make-up and dressed up more often I'd get used to it. And hence feel more feminine. And I just want to yell out that it doesn't quite work that way. xD It doesn't make me feel any less like I'm going to a costume party.

But, that said, I don't really feel like a man either. It might be fun to try out a male body for awhile, and it'd be an interesting social experiment for sure. For one thing, it'd be nice to make male friends without them immediately trying to hit on me. I don't want to be told how beautiful I am. It'd be nice to just coexist as one of the guys. As friends.

But I dunno, when it comes down to it, it doesn't seem like being a man would suit me any more than being a woman suits me. I'm just my own person when it comes down to it, for better or for worse. In my own life, I do my best to treat everyone around me equally and in a gender-neutral way. I open doors for both men and women and try to have respect for those around me. I admit I'm not totally gender blind, but I try not to let it cloud my judgment... just as I don't want to be judged, I don't want to be the one to judge others.

December 25, 2010

I've never really given much thought to my gender. Having said that, I identify very much with the post above mine. ^^

Born a female, I am comfortable as one, and I've never been overly girly or trendy or anything stereotypically woman-ish, unlike my sister, who is a nice contrasting point to compare myself to. I've always just thought that I have a unique balance of masculinity and femininity. I think though that as I've been growing older I've started appreciating and becoming more in tune with the feminine side of me, as I've been wearing makeup more often (as opposed to never, like when I was in high school) and taken more interest in going shopping with my mother or friends for clothes and accessories and not comic books, toys and video games like when I was younger (although, of course, I still retain interest in things like that). I've always considered myself a woman, but I will admit that since I am fairly ignorant of the various types of gender that exist I'm not sure if there is another category that describes me better.

If it's worth anything, that Sex ID online test by BBC told me I was more masculine-inclined (30 to the male side). I found that quite interesting. Of course I'm not jumping at the bit to label myself, but since encountering the concept of asexuality and finding that it fits me quite well, I've become more curious about myself on the whole.

Sorry. hope this post makes sense. And Merry Christmas!! :D

December 27, 2010

I don't really have a gender identity: that is, I don't think like a typical man. That said, I am aware that I am male, and accept it. It's just that that fact doesn't really affect me, beyond the fact that I dress in men's clothes I suppose.

December 27, 2010

This is going to be tricky. Embarrassingly enough, it wasn't actually until I read some of the posts above when it finally clicked what people mean with gender, as compared to sex, and vice versa. I have always, and I mean always, defined people by their sex. And I have been upset and irritated with myself and questioned why I always have to take that extra mental trip down someone's pants every goddamned time I'm uncertain what pronoun to use - a slip of the tongue and I will be the greatest asshole to ever talk to a transsexual and why can't I just use something genderneutral?! But I apply that way of thinking to myself.

When I read psychology in high school and the teacher asked us to do a mind map over our self perception during a lesson on social constructionism, one of the first things I wrote was "XX". It was the first basic, physical difference between me and some of the other humans that came to mind. It turned out that I had misunderstood the assignment. I wasn't supposed to define myself according to myself, but what I thought society thinks about me. You know, socially. And my mind just went blank.

When someone calls me a girl, I get this twinge of irritation or shout that NO I am NOT. It's like someone saying that tomato is a vegetable. It rubs my scientific, know-all side the wrong way.

I've actually had this conversation on several occasions:

*friend does something considered polite or chivalric* "My lady."

"I'm not a lady."

"...You're a girl, right?"

"Yes. Biologically. But I'm not a lady."

I'm actually pretty confused at the moment. I want to be able to describe myself with words, but I can't.

December 27, 2010

I just want to add a 'joystick' doesn't make a real man either.

What it feels like to be trans, genderqueer or genderless

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