What it feels like to be trans, genderqueer or genderless

[SilverSugar]

When I look in the mirror I am always surprised at how terrible I look. It's not me. I look in the mirror and I see my face, but it's not me... Why, I often wonder, is the reason God put our eyes inside our heads like this... (Not the physical eye either, if that makes sense.)

I always say that I am a girl, but only because clearly I physically am one. Still, I cannot say I am a "woman" it just doesn't fit. Granted...it's kinda' hard to escape. I do wish I could be genderless, but at the same time, because of what I look like...I just cannot say that I am.

On a slight side note...I've been called pretty and been given a few cutesy nicknames by a few co-workers and almost every time instead of being flattered it just makes me upset. Not because I don't appreciate a complement coming my way, but because it kinda' hurts to hear it. They're commenting on my body or my face or something, but they aren't seeing the real me. I mean, how dare they?! I feel so indignant about the whole thing. I don't think I am pretty or anything like that. I think my body is hideous. Maybe it isn't ugly...but I certainly would never say anything about me is attractive... Not when I see so many real women out there with real physical beauty. That's certainly not me. That's all I can say. I wish I could look the way I feel I do...

It's like wishing other people could hear the way my voice sounds to me. If that makes sense.

I like my real voice. I like the real me.

I hate my voice on a recorder. I hate myself in the mirror.

What can I do? I'm the one looking out from the black.

[asexual cake]

Gender is weird.

[Myree]

I was born female. I am fine with part of me female, but I feel part of me should be male. I don't see my top fitting my bottom. I am male up top and female below. I am fine with that. I like to put on girl clothing and boy clothing. I feel Like I am in drag both ways. No style fits me. I don't fit me. I am Alice and Katie at the same time. Alice being neither female or male. I identify as far a relationships go as female and male but call myself a lesbian. I am not Tran and that much I know. I have thought about this a long time. When I was born I was female as I got older I shifted in the middle.

I believe I should have a lean flat top like a male runner and a lean toned bottom like a female runner. My face is off but so is my hair. I should have both long and short hair at the same time. I want the feeling of drag at the same time I feel that fits. I don't see male or female in other people as much. I see what they want to be. Themselves.

Gender in my terms is not there, it just falls apart from the form. So why would I see it. No gender no reason. I am a mix of genders that just so happens to be all female when it needs to be male, female, and nothing.

[HeidiUK]

"i am a man trapped in a society that assigns gender by body type".

Love that saying. It puts it so neatly, whilst still making others think.

H xx

[CornOnDaCobb]

Silver Sugar, I feel pretty much the same way. I understand that my body is human but I haven't come to

terms with it yet. Have you ever looked at your hands for a while? Our hands just don't seem right.

Onto my sex/gender. I am biologically male, but have experience as biofemale (and a third sex in which I only had a clits, with no other gender markings) via lucid dreams. Within which dreams I enjoyed the different experience, and explored being different genders. But none of them really had any effect on me. I am gender apathetic, I consider myself an entity, not a he or she. But I still go by he because I don't want to mess up my life by wanting anything different. My family and friends would not be okay if I decided to go by ze. But that's society y'know?

[Gho St Ory Qwan]

[

Here are a few ways I describe it:

*It's like having lived my whole life in a country where everyone looks a certain way except me. I use racial analogies a lot, because in this culture, a person is born into a gender the way they are born into a race. For example, I use George Carlin's bit on golf:

The only blacks you see in country clubs are carrying trays. And don't give me any of that Tiger Woods nonsense... He ain't [sic] black. He talks, acts, and lives like a white boy. Skin alone doesn't make you black.

Similarly, I talk, act, and live like a genetic girl (an eccentric one, but whatever), and genitals alone don't make you a man or a woman.

Im mixed race and have had people tell me I dont act black so this is something I think about a lot. People don't act black, I notice above race and gender, someones education; how they talk and what they talk about. That influences how people act, not their race alone...

(The black side of my family are somewhat middle class and the white side are working class so behaviour-wise the roles are completely different to what some might assume I guess).

As for me, gender is like that. I feel like I am all and none at the same time. But really I dont see many acts as female or male assigned. It depends on culture and some cultures have the complete opposite gender roles, so its not something innate in me to assign a role to someone because of their genitalia. Thats not to disagree with you, and how you identify, but I think its important to point out how one views genders apart form themselves has an impact on whether they identify as fitting one or the other. I think they're too socially constructed so feel I'll always fit into both because I act like a human and all humans have the same traits perry much. But I'll feel like none sometimes particularly when Im having the 'all guys are like this' or 'all girls are like that' when I feel like Im on neither side and Im more like an alien looking in. haha

[MorbidNerd]

I’m going to talk about my own experience being trans, but first I can’t help but notice that many people express gender dysphoria not so much based on their bodies but about societies prescribed role that they are expected to conform too, I mean you don’t have to be a transwoman or gay to enjoy things like fashion and ballet and you don’t have to be a transman or butch lesbian to enjoy weight lifting and auto-mechanics, those things are not a reflection of your gender, they are simply a reflection of socially constructed empty labels that should mean nothing about your gender identify to either like or dislike.

As a transman I found societies narrow stereotyping of what is and isn’t acceptable for my biological birth sex upsetting, narrow, frustrating and downright depressing growing up, but my sister also found societies view of what the acceptable role of her birth sex is upsetting, narrow, frustrating and depressing and she is a straight cisgendered woman.

I guess my point is that societies view of gender whether you are trans, gay, cisgender or whatever, is seriously f****d up, and straight cisgendered people can experience as much frustration and gender stereotype fuelled prejudice against their choices and freedom of expression as people within the LGBT community.

Just a few minor examples from my own family: my mother is straight and cisgendered but was not allowed to take mechanics in school (something she was very interested in and scored the highest in on career aptitude tests along with truck driving) simply because she was a girl.

My straight cisgendered father got mocked in school because his shyness and refusal to ever get in a physical fight was seen as unmanly.

My sister has no doubt about her identity as female and straight, yet people constantly accuse her of being a closet lesbian simply because she prefers to wear comfortable functional clothes, does not wear makeup and prefers intellectual pursuits to stereotypically “girly” activities. Why should she have to dress up in outfits thats' sole purpose is to advertise her body to the opposite sex, paint her face up and pursue activities she finds boring just so she can prove her femininity?

[MorbidNerd]

I’m a panromantic genderqeer transman, as a toddler I was playing with trucks and lego instead of dolls, would throw a complete fit when forced into a dress (plenty of photos of me in dresses with my arms folded across my chest, legs wide in a very boyish stance and a giant scowl on my face), and even though at that age I didn’t really think about or give a damn about gender I naturally played with boys more than girls simply because they were easier to understand and I had more in common with them, as a result I always just thought of myself as one of the guys and throughout my entire experience of school I would refer to myself as a ‘he’ and would get in trouble for automatically going into the mens restroom if I didn’t purposefully stop to think about which one I was supposed to use.

I only decided there was something wrong with my body when I hit puberty, growing up in an extremely sheltered Christian fundamentalist family I hadn’t the slightest idea that transgender even existed, but I had repeating rants to my parents that would end with me bursting into tears exclaiming that I wished I was a boy and begging my parents for a breast removal operation (which of course they were completely against), and even once went as far as considering cutting them off myself with one of my dads power-saws.

In school I would often tie my hair in a tight ponytail and tuck the back into my shirt to make it look like I had slicked back short hair, wore boys clothes (something my parents thankfully didn’t mind), and a giant coat to cover my unfortunately DD size anatomical differences. Luckily I have a rather gender neutral face and am very tall for a biological girl, but my voice still always gave me away - which I found frustrating, not so much because of my voice itself, but because that as soon as guys who had approached me to join in with a game or conversation heard me speak they would do a double take and then want nothing to do with me. Apart from snide comments about the fact I did not shave and had zero interest in chasing boys, I actually didn’t get teased for gender reasons in school, though I also had very few friends.

In my school days I was so desperate to fit in as a boy that I actually adopted a lot of interests, behaviours and styles of dress that were not me at all, and that I actually hate. I only did them because that was what boys were supposed to do and like, and in trying to compensate for being biologically female I ended up being more butch than a lot of the guys in my class. If I actually had been born male I would have been a lot more comfortable not giving a damn about what people thought and been fine with acting in a more effeminate way. I’m actually pretty sure if I had been biologically male and acted myself in school, rather than putting on a mask like I did as a biological female, I would have been labelled gay.

Acting like someone I was not, even if it could succeed in passing me off as a man, was depressing, so I went through a phase in my early 20’s of trying to force myself into the female role, which at times was actually fun because I felt like a bold kid crossdressing after raiding his mothers wardrobe and could never take myself completely seriously dressed as a women, so would act silly and exhibit a very wacky sense of humour with my friends. The funny thing is though because of my height, build, mannerism, way of moving and my interests (I do have naturally high testosterone anyway), I got taken for a bloke occasionally even in full makeup, a dress and waist long hair, which I found hilarious.

But ultimately I still found it far too awkward and uncomfortable, felt silly and hated how most people treated me when I presented as female. That phase did however make me much more comfortable with then presenting myself as just me, without having to factor gender stereotypes into the equation of what I chose to wear, do and act like. So nowadays even though I still think of myself as a guy, I go by a gender neutral name, express a combination of male/female behaviours and interests, and though I buy all my clothes in the mens department I like sporting long hair, occasional eyeliner, and have a very untraditional appearance for either a man or woman. I like being genderqueer and feel no need to try to force myself into the constrictive box of what society sees as appropriate to either binary. Strangers on the street usually address me as “Mr.” thinking I’m a weird quirky man while people I hang around who know my biological sex thing I am a lesbian. The truth is though I am honest about who I am, I am passed obsessing over peoples’ assumptions to the point of altering my behaviour in an attempt to correct it. I am just me.

[MorbidNerd]

Sorry didn't realise how much I was rambling until I actually posted and realised how long that was!

[P is for...]

If I actually had been born male I would have been a lot more comfortable not giving a damn about what people thought and been fine with acting in a more effeminate way. I’m actually pretty sure if I had been biologically male and acted myself in school, rather than putting on a mask like I did as a biological female, I would have been labelled gay.

Acting like someone I was not, even if it could succeed in passing me off as a man, was depressing, so I went through a phase in my early 20’s of trying to force myself into the female role, which at times was actually fun because I felt like a bold kid crossdressing after raiding his mothers wardrobe and could never take myself completely seriously dressed as a women, so would act silly and exhibit a very wacky sense of humour with my friends. The funny thing is though because of my height, build, mannerism, way of moving and my interests (I do have naturally high testosterone anyway), I got taken for a bloke occasionally even in full makeup, a dress and waist long hair, which I found hilarious.

But ultimately I still found it far too awkward and uncomfortable, felt silly and hated how most people treated me when I presented as female. That phase did however make me much more comfortable with then presenting myself as just me, without having to factor gender stereotypes into the equation of what I chose to wear, do and act like. So nowadays even though I still think of myself as a guy, I go by a gender neutral name, express a combination of male/female behaviours and interests, and though I buy all my clothes in the mens department I like sporting long hair, occasional eyeliner, and have a very untraditional appearance for either a man or woman. I like being genderqueer and feel no need to try to force myself into the constrictive box of what society sees as appropriate to either binary. Strangers on the street usually address me as “Mr.” thinking I’m a weird quirky man while people I hang around who know my biological sex thing I am a lesbian. The truth is though I am honest about who I am, I am passed obsessing over peoples’ assumptions to the point of altering my behaviour in an attempt to correct it. I am just me.

oh my God...

oh my God.

it's just...

i could have written that. every word.

wow. thank you. that meant more to me to read than you can know.

[prettyeyes]

If I actually had been born male I would have been a lot more comfortable not giving a damn about what people thought and been fine with acting in a more effeminate way. I’m actually pretty sure if I had been biologically male and acted myself in school, rather than putting on a mask like I did as a biological female, I would have been labelled gay.

Acting like someone I was not, even if it could succeed in passing me off as a man, was depressing, so I went through a phase in my early 20’s of trying to force myself into the female role, which at times was actually fun because I felt like a bold kid crossdressing after raiding his mothers wardrobe and could never take myself completely seriously dressed as a women, so would act silly and exhibit a very wacky sense of humour with my friends. The funny thing is though because of my height, build, mannerism, way of moving and my interests (I do have naturally high testosterone anyway), I got taken for a bloke occasionally even in full makeup, a dress and waist long hair, which I found hilarious.

But ultimately I still found it far too awkward and uncomfortable, felt silly and hated how most people treated me when I presented as female. That phase did however make me much more comfortable with then presenting myself as just me, without having to factor gender stereotypes into the equation of what I chose to wear, do and act like. So nowadays even though I still think of myself as a guy, I go by a gender neutral name, express a combination of male/female behaviours and interests, and though I buy all my clothes in the mens department I like sporting long hair, occasional eyeliner, and have a very untraditional appearance for either a man or woman. I like being genderqueer and feel no need to try to force myself into the constrictive box of what society sees as appropriate to either binary. Strangers on the street usually address me as “Mr.” thinking I’m a weird quirky man while people I hang around who know my biological sex thing I am a lesbian. The truth is though I am honest about who I am, I am passed obsessing over peoples’ assumptions to the point of altering my behaviour in an attempt to correct it. I am just me.

oh my God...

oh my God.

it's just...

i could have written that. every word.

wow. thank you. that meant more to me to read than you can know.

Me too. Wow. I feel suddenly not lonely at all.

[MorbidNerd]

If I actually had been born male I would have been a lot more comfortable not giving a damn about what people thought and been fine with acting in a more effeminate way. I’m actually pretty sure if I had been biologically male and acted myself in school, rather than putting on a mask like I did as a biological female, I would have been labelled gay.

Acting like someone I was not, even if it could succeed in passing me off as a man, was depressing, so I went through a phase in my early 20’s of trying to force myself into the female role, which at times was actually fun because I felt like a bold kid crossdressing after raiding his mothers wardrobe and could never take myself completely seriously dressed as a women, so would act silly and exhibit a very wacky sense of humour with my friends. The funny thing is though because of my height, build, mannerism, way of moving and my interests (I do have naturally high testosterone anyway), I got taken for a bloke occasionally even in full makeup, a dress and waist long hair, which I found hilarious.

But ultimately I still found it far too awkward and uncomfortable, felt silly and hated how most people treated me when I presented as female. That phase did however make me much more comfortable with then presenting myself as just me, without having to factor gender stereotypes into the equation of what I chose to wear, do and act like. So nowadays even though I still think of myself as a guy, I go by a gender neutral name, express a combination of male/female behaviours and interests, and though I buy all my clothes in the mens department I like sporting long hair, occasional eyeliner, and have a very untraditional appearance for either a man or woman. I like being genderqueer and feel no need to try to force myself into the constrictive box of what society sees as appropriate to either binary. Strangers on the street usually address me as “Mr.” thinking I’m a weird quirky man while people I hang around who know my biological sex thing I am a lesbian. The truth is though I am honest about who I am, I am passed obsessing over peoples’ assumptions to the point of altering my behaviour in an attempt to correct it. I am just me.

oh my God...

oh my God.

it's just...

i could have written that. every word.

wow. thank you. that meant more to me to read than you can know.

Me too. Wow. I feel suddenly not lonely at all.

I never knew there were other people out there that felt the same way, so Wow on my part also, and glad to meet you.

[HeidiUK]

Sorry didn't realise how much I was rambling until I actually posted and realised how long that was!

That was not rambling, that was wonderful!

H xx

[Vincent]

I'm slowly learning about myself and although I was assigned female at birth, I've never felt female. But then I've never really felt much of anything really, except in extremes. That's what I am, a person of extremes and I really don't like it. I find that "he" is right for me, never "she" though I get "she'd" enough that I just accept it. I feel male quite a bit of the time, but do not desire a penis. I just want my breasts gone, and I don't want curves. I want to be able to wear a male suit and look good in it. Also a lot of the time I feel genderless, like I don't belong anywhere. But I don't know how much of that is because I haven't spent time thinking and learning about myself, or it's just how it is. It's the same with sexuality as well. Most of the time I could not care less about sex. I'd much rather have a hug, and a kiss. I seriously could live without sex provided I get hugs and kisses.

I'm not even sure this answers any question...heh.

[Demacrux (emi star...)]

I'm personally very ambivalent about gender..though I'm a bit uncomfortable with they way I'm built..I don't really plan on changing it..I rather would learn to adjust to it and wear whatever, live my lie the way I choose to.

[HeidiUK]

I'd much rather have a hug, and a kiss. I seriously could live without sex provided I get hugs and kisses.

This.

And to answer the original question: it feels (to me) as though your brain is telling you one thing, but your body is trying to pull you in the opposite direction.

H xx

[Maverick Askew]

Okay, I'm not sure how people are going to take my post, but here it goes.

I can't really understand how people could want to change their biological gender, or act in a different way. The way I see it, I am who I was born as, and that's the way it is. I don't think I would have any issue, being born a girl, and I don't have any issue being a guy. I guess I just don't really feel that strongly about gender what so ever. To me how ever I'm born is a part of who I am, and anything that says different is wrong.

While I say this, I don't think my beliefs about myself should affect anyone else. We are all unique, and only we can know for sure what and who we are.

[Pandoren]

I think Maverick that sometimes you don't notice these things until you notice something is wrong. If you are cisgender male, then nothing is of concern to you. Your mental gender and your physical sex match. When you have a mental gender that doesn't match your physical sex, you can feel the spanner in the cogs of the machine, so to speak. And that is often distressing.

[Maverick Askew]

I think Maverick that sometimes you don't notice these things until you notice something is wrong. If you are cisgender male, then nothing is of concern to you. Your mental gender and your physical sex match. When you have a mental gender that doesn't match your physical sex, you can feel the spanner in the cogs of the machine, so to speak. And that is often distressing.

But I don't really care if I have a man's or a woman's body. My body is my body, and only a facet of who I am.

I know I might not be able to understand how it feels since I don't have that problem, but I want to try to understand. I guess I don't see gender as any more than what parts you have. I don't feel it would be that big of an issue for me, but I do know that it's hard to understand something you've never felt, but I want to try.

[Introspective Dreamer]

I have a question, that I was wondering if I could ask those of you who identify as being transgendered. Could you please delineate, as thoroughly as you feel comfortable doing so, what factors or characteristics of yourself led you to identify as being transgendered? I am trying to further my understanding, so your replies would be much appreciated

[GirlInside]

Okay, I'm not sure how people are going to take my post, but here it goes.

I can't really understand how people could want to change their biological gender, or act in a different way. The way I see it, I am who I was born as, and that's the way it is. I don't think I would have any issue, being born a girl, and I don't have any issue being a guy. I guess I just don't really feel that strongly about gender what so ever. To me how ever I'm born is a part of who I am, and anything that says different is wrong.

While I say this, I don't think my beliefs about myself should affect anyone else. We are all unique, and only we can know for sure what and who we are.

I's simple. Many people have a male or female gender identity; you don't. I had a friend who was the same way.

[prettyeyes]

I have a question, that I was wondering if I could ask those of you who identify as being transgendered. Could you please delineate, as thoroughly as you feel comfortable doing so, what factors or characteristics of yourself led you to identify as being transgendered? I am trying to further my understanding, so your replies would be much appreciated

I'm genderqueer but I started adopting the trans label as well once I realized that I wasn't going to be able to hide my gender identity anymore without a lot of emotional pain, and that I wasn't going to be able to keep on living my old life the same way.

[Maverick Askew]

Okay, I'm not sure how people are going to take my post, but here it goes.

I can't really understand how people could want to change their biological gender, or act in a different way. The way I see it, I am who I was born as, and that's the way it is. I don't think I would have any issue, being born a girl, and I don't have any issue being a guy. I guess I just don't really feel that strongly about gender what so ever. To me how ever I'm born is a part of who I am, and anything that says different is wrong.

While I say this, I don't think my beliefs about myself should affect anyone else. We are all unique, and only we can know for sure what and who we are.

I's simple. Many people have a male or female gender identity; you don't. I had a friend who was the same way.

Thanks.

[HeidiUK]

I have a question, that I was wondering if I could ask those of you who identify as being transgendered. Could you please delineate, as thoroughly as you feel comfortable doing so, what factors or characteristics of yourself led you to identify as being transgendered? I am trying to further my understanding, so your replies would be much appreciated

I'm going to try and answer for me. Please remember that what I say is what I feel and cannot be taken for anybody else. The spectrum of gender is a wide and (often) very confusing one.

I feel as if my physical body is incongruous with what my brain feels. I don't yet know if I want to do anything about that, I just know I would have (if I had been given an impossible choice) chosen the male identity over the female one. The gender marker (for me) is currently not an issue, I would just rather have been born male because I feel that what have fitted who I am better.

What that of any use whatsoever??

H xx

[outofeden]

It's hard to describe the feeling of lacking a gender/being genderless. I kind of might liken it to the view some people have of angels, that they might be neither gender. They aren't men or women and they are not a combination of man and woman. They are neither because they're not the same type of being.

I'm not saying I'm an angel or that angels exist. It's just a tool I'm using to explain the situation. It's how I feel- like I'm not a boy or a girl I'm a being. I'm a human. I just lack that gender thingy. (lol "that gender thingy")

Actually I should have read the rest of the thread before I posted, this says it very well:

I do not strongly identify with either gender. My body is female. I let people treat me like one.

I have discovered that if I could look any way that I wanted to look, I would like to not have breasts. They are a nuisance. I dislike them. I do not want to be a male though. I just don't like having breasts.

I go back and forth on whether or not I identify as without gender or neutrois, because I think the latter implies gender dysphoria and possibly a desire to surgically modify one's body in order to become more genderless. On one hand this scares me because I've always had this body. But sometimes I just take a minute to think about it- would I really like to change it. The answer is F*** yeah! To hell with the intentions of nature. I will not be trapped by the incidental details of this current form.

[Elliott Ford]

Okay, I'm not sure how people are going to take my post, but here it goes.

I can't really understand how people could want to change their biological gender, or act in a different way. The way I see it, I am who I was born as, and that's the way it is. I don't think I would have any issue, being born a girl, and I don't have any issue being a guy. I guess I just don't really feel that strongly about gender what so ever. To me how ever I'm born is a part of who I am, and anything that says different is wrong.

While I say this, I don't think my beliefs about myself should affect anyone else. We are all unique, and only we can know for sure what and who we are.

I've put the part of your post I'm going to address in bold.

For many of us who are trans, it's not that we want to act in a different way. We want to act in the ways that we have always wanted to act but, because of what sex/gender people think we are we have been discouraged or scolded or even verbally and physically assaulted. Trans people just want to act the way they want to act regardless of the expectations of others. However, it is difficult, very difficult, to constantly stand up for your right to behave the way you want to and to buck expectations. People can and do hate you and hit you for daring not to conform to their ideas of who you are and how you should behave.

For some (not all) of us as trans people, this constant pressure from society to act in certain ways has always been linked to how others see our body and it becomes necessary to change what others see so that their expectations and our behaviour are more closely aligned.

I hope this makes some sense to you. I personally act like a man because I feel on the inside like that is the appropriate way for me to act yet for some reason society says that to act how I do requires having a body of a different shape to the one I was born with. The body I was born with is a facet of who I am and I don't deny that (there are a few advantages to having a body like mine :) ) but I don't see that the shape of my body should dictate the personality traits and hobbies and dress sense I have, especially not to the extent that our society seems to think it should.

It amazes me that so many people feel content in the sex-roles that society hands to them and I actually find cis people (people who aren't trans) stranger than trans people for that reason. It seems astounding that so many people should feel secure in both their bodies and the identity they are given with that body... I've probably stopped making very much sense here.

In any case, many trans people want to and do act in ways that cis people think are strange because of the trans person's "biological sex" (Who the heck came up with such a strange idea as that? it's a really strange way to classify people, don't you think?) because society still teaches us that there are two basic kinds of people and that they act in different ways from each other.

[Demacrux (emi star...)]

I identify as neutrois but have no desire to surgically modify my body really( perhaps later on, but not now)

[Maverick Askew]

Okay, I'm not sure how people are going to take my post, but here it goes.

I can't really understand how people could want to change their biological gender, or act in a different way. The way I see it, I am who I was born as, and that's the way it is. I don't think I would have any issue, being born a girl, and I don't have any issue being a guy. I guess I just don't really feel that strongly about gender what so ever. To me how ever I'm born is a part of who I am, and anything that says different is wrong.

While I say this, I don't think my beliefs about myself should affect anyone else. We are all unique, and only we can know for sure what and who we are.

I've put the part of your post I'm going to address in bold.

For many of us who are trans, it's not that we want to act in a different way. We want to act in the ways that we have always wanted to act but, because of what sex/gender people think we are we have been discouraged or scolded or even verbally and physically assaulted. Trans people just want to act the way they want to act regardless of the expectations of others. However, it is difficult, very difficult, to constantly stand up for your right to behave the way you want to and to buck expectations. People can and do hate you and hit you for daring not to conform to their ideas of who you are and how you should behave.

For some (not all) of us as trans people, this constant pressure from society to act in certain ways has always been linked to how others see our body and it becomes necessary to change what others see so that their expectations and our behaviour are more closely aligned.

I hope this makes some sense to you. I personally act like a man because I feel on the inside like that is the appropriate way for me to act yet for some reason society says that to act how I do requires having a body of a different shape to the one I was born with. The body I was born with is a facet of who I am and I don't deny that (there are a few advantages to having a body like mine :) ) but I don't see that the shape of my body should dictate the personality traits and hobbies and dress sense I have, especially not to the extent that our society seems to think it should.

It amazes me that so many people feel content in the sex-roles that society hands to them and I actually find cis people (people who aren't trans) stranger than trans people for that reason. It seems astounding that so many people should feel secure in both their bodies and the identity they are given with that body... I've probably stopped making very much sense here.

In any case, many trans people want to and do act in ways that cis people think are strange because of the trans person's "biological sex" (Who the heck came up with such a strange idea as that? it's a really strange way to classify people, don't you think?) because society still teaches us that there are two basic kinds of people and that they act in different ways from each other.

Thanks, this was very helpful. I realize I didn't word my post in the best way, but it seems that you still were able to give me the kind of answer I was looking for.

[98slbrookes98]

Although I am not a transexuial I have thought about gender since I was 17. When I was very young I was a real girly girl. My favourite colour was (and still is) pink. I wore nail varnish on my fingernails and toenails, occasuionally wore necklaces and and bracelets, loved skirts and dresses and hated trousers with a passion. I was very strong onm gender stereotypes and therefore detested wearing trousers so never wore them. I was also uncomfortable with the idea of women cutting their hair short because I thought women should take advantage of long hair (but I still thought it was their decision wht they did not mine). However over the years I started to soften and relax a bit in this. When i was 12 I put on my dad's dressing gown because it was cold, and I liked it. I never got my ears pierced despite my great grandmother and even my mum, aunt and grandmother asking me too. It wasn't fear of the pain - it was just disinterest and the male part of me ( I believe everyone has male and female aspects to their character) recoiled from it. They eventually accepted this.

I identify as an asexual lesbian. From the age of 9 until the age of 21 I was madly in love with my best friend who was hetrosexual. I finally had the courage to tel her at 18 but we remained friends - she was very kind and understanding and as I knew wehat her orientation was I expected a rejection anyway. At 21 I got over her. However, while my friends were on the whole quite understanding, even of the asexuality, I was constantly frustrated that my family did not understand. My love of other women was at first hidden from extended family like some big secret. My dad was fine with it but felt awkward openly talking about it so didn't (though now in my 20s I'm a bit more understanding of that and its less fretful to me). My mum stupidly still thinks that one day I will meet a "nice young man" though this is unlikely. If I do start to tomantically lean towards men as well I'll call myself biromantic but unless that happens I'm homoromantic through and through. My first attempt to tell my stepsister ended in me backtracking because of the society in India (at this time I did not know of asexuality though I knew wht I meant) - she was 13 and did not understand. However at 20 I managed very slowly and carefully to explain falling in love with women rather than men and she eventually understood and accepted it though reminded me not to say anything in her society. I did not complicate things by telling her of the asexuality - falling in love with women is the main thing.

In fact I am very proud of her that she managed to understand and accept something like this in spite of her society/culture - my mum has no excuse. She is an athiest and brought up in England. For many years I got searching for a way to solve this dilemma - the clash between being an asexual lesbian and the Indian culture. I passionately love my dad and stepfamily and always will. Originally at 13-14 on finding out about the socierty in India and longing to tell my stepmother and stepsister the truth but being prevented I was so overwrought by the whole thing that I threatened suicide but was forced to backtrack and undo everything I did when my mum and dad paniced, flapped and totally smothered me (they did not of course know my real reason and I would not betray my stepfamily). It was only after the age of 18 that things started getting better. At 17 I happened to read an article about a girl stuck in a guy's body and how she transitioned. I found myself wondering if this could work the other way round. I read up on it. Though everything I read told me that you were not allowed to completely transition for cultural reasons I loved my dad and stepfamily so much and I wanted so much to tell my stepmother and stepsister the truth that I was prepared to chance this.

I paid attention to male clothing and started to like the colour/style of some of them - particularly shirts and trousers (especially the Indian ones that I saw on Indian films). When I first imagined my breasts disappearing, having a bare chest, growing a penis it felt strange. After imagining it lots of times it didn't. I was sure I'd go and live at university (I didn't in the end) but thought I could set the boulder rolling. The only danger was that my mumor dad would guess my true motive. I had a dream that I was sitting on a train and as the miles went by I became more mascuuline until I jumped out the other end as a guy but my dad and stepfamily still recognised me. I mentioned this dream to my dad and stepfamily (knowing thatdreams having meaning squared with their society although I'm pretty flexible on things like that - I don't take it too seriously but at the same time don't reject it either). I imuslively grasped my stepsister's hand and said if she wished it I could make the dream come true (I was so desperate to tell her the truth and there was nothing I wouldn't do for love of them) - she didn't fully understand and in India I dared not speak plainer. WEhen I tried to hint my intention to my dad my dad said it would never happen and my hopes plummeted - on return home I scrapped my idea but did not rule out the possibility of one day just crossdressing or wearing ourfits of both genders.

At 20 my wish to tell my stepsister the truth was granted me but when she said my dad and stepfamily could cover my inclination for women from their society I felt bad about making them do that so I mentally made this offer once again. After all giving up skirtts, dresses and jewellery did not matter to me - the men treating me like another guy would make me feel less threatened and more confident and being able to admit to falling in love with women without anyone batting an eyelid would be an enormous relief. Ok I'd have to give up the close female/female friendships but actually I had little in common with my female friends anyway. Ironically though my dad and stepfamily do not realise it that offer would always be open to them - they will only have to give the word for me to set the ball rolling and go as short or as long a way on that path as necessary - that is the measure of my love for them. When I discovered Second Life at 22 I decided to gender bend on it. The reason I gave mum was that I wanted it to be different from real life or it will be boring (which is true as well) but there were other reasons such as curiosity - the real driving force though was fustration with my real life because of how ddifficult it was to be an asexual lesbian. Once I got under a male avartar suddenly my confidence increased tenfold, improving my social skills and consequently enhancing my life satisfaction/happiness.

Although I could not wear lovely skirts/dresses or have valuable girl/girl friendships I deeply valued having things I could not in real life - I enjoyed calling the other guys mate and buddy, gutys not hitting on me was an enormous relief (I tell any gay men I meet that I love women and they accept it straight away), I loved dancing with girls, playing prince to the girls. I wound up making two best friends very quickly and some close friends though my social circles changed as circumstances on SL changed. I was for once not tied to my family nd culture nd free to say anything (within the limitss of safety and common sense) - I did of course tell anyone I was close to that I am not in real life who I am in Second Life though only 2 or 3 women ever knew I am really a woman and now I have lost touch with them. For once through SL I got to lead a normal life without the pressures of family/culture, without the problems surrounding my sexuality that I had in rl, could do different things for a change too. I have not yet quite acted on my desire to wer putfits of both sexes in rl because I'm scared it'll open me up to judgement (especially from my mum) but the other day I did buy a shirt that I liked that fits me. It was made in Bangladesh which is probably why it fits me - usually guy shirts are too large. It was with a twinge of self consiousness that I bought it but the shop assistant said nothing to my jhuge relief. I hid it so I can wear it when myum is not about but I like the design and colour.

These days if I like the design and colour, if its inexpensive and if it fits me I don't care if its for a guy/girl.

[Hermathena]

My body and my id card says I am female.

I like my body and I wouldnt change it for the world.

I think a womans body is biologically superior and I feel comfy in it.

That doesnt mean I feel like a woman.

Since I can remember myself I always thought, dressed and played as a boy.

In all the films and books that I see I always took the men roles.

In my real life I dress like a man , talk like a man and work like a man.

Still there are many aspects of a mans life that I dont embrace. For ex.I hate football and when it comes to discussions I can communicate better with a woman than with a man.

I am romantically/esthetically attracted to women.

I would really like to have a real woman fall in love, head over heels with me and then I could love her and protect her and care for her just like a real man. However I know this could never happen in reality . Real women , want real men (with male organs that they use for their joy) and I would never want to become a man of this sort (having male organs I mean) ,

so the only thing I can say to a woman that I like (Inside my head I mean not out loud) is "Sorry to disappoint you but I dont have a joystick my dear")