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What it feels like to be trans, genderqueer or genderless


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On 5/24/2009 at 10:20 PM, Elliott Ford said:

Or if you are not trans / genderqueer / genderless, how would you describe knowing that your gender identity does match your body?

 

I don't know, I guess it just matches? It's like being ace; I just know.

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First I want to thank all of the above posters for sharing their experiences. All of your stories have been so incredibly helpful since I'm busy sorting through my own gender (or lack thereof). I've known for awhile that something was off in terms of how I felt about gender and my own gender identity and presentation, but I was never really able to pinpoint it until recently after a breakdown, a buttload of research, talking to some folks who ID as genderqueer, and reading through forums like this one. So thank you thank you :cake: <3

A lot of the metaphors used (right-handedness feeling wrong for a left-handed person, a platypus in a world of cats and dogs) really resonated with me and I really appreciated folks trying to articulate their experiences in ways that are easy to understand :) I now have a better handle on what it means to be agender and what it's like and how it feels for others. 

 

I wanted to share an interesting opinion piece I found while perusing non-binary forums, and it has to do with a fairly common thread I've noticed among the nb and agender posters: the desire to have a genderless body (not necessarily a sexless body, but one void of gendered characteristics like curves, broad shoulders, hair, etc), and what this genderless body would look like. I totally get it; I feel the same way about my own body, I would love to have a flat, trim body as opposed to my lumpy, curvy one. But when I read this article, it helped ease some of the dysphoria I felt and helped validate the body that I do have: http://genderqueerid.com/post/128066021808/demonizing-the-feminine-western-androgynys

Just a little body positivity for the day! 

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PurplePaper

Well, when I heavily think on this topic I feel confusion. Like others in this thread, I don't really know how it feels to be female or male. Like what should that feeling even feel like really? I'm ok with my body,, some parts are..not as likable as others, but oh well... I know that I'm biologically female and I'm fine with that. At first I was wondering if I was genderfluid. Then I realized that I couldn't really put a specific label onto what I am. I'm just me. Sometimes I feel masculine, sometimes I feel feminine. Sometimes I guess I feel like a boy and other times I'm pretty sure I feel like a girl. Then are the times when I feel both and neither. Or I don't even have a clue, but I know that I'm me. That matters more than figuring out the whole mess that is gender to me. So I try to go broader with the label I guess. When it comes down to it I do have random breakdowns of confusion because of it. But I think it may have to do with some unwanted pressure of needing to know what I am even if I already know that what I am is me.

 

Yeah that probably made no sense XD.

 

When I lightly think about this subject I would probably say yeah imma girl. And? However, learning about how everyone else feels leaves me even more confused than I was before I found this site. Then again I feel comfort knowing that I'm not alone in some of the feelings I feel.

 

So yeah.

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Alice Woodstock

Born as a male, I would like to see me as a beaultiful woman, and feel happy when people treat me like one. (This is why the name and image of a woman). But consider myself a genderfluid because sometimes act like one not feels natural to me, and somtimes it feels depends what I want to express, and a lot of things I see no need to link to a gender at all. I feel different, because is not the case of a woman trapped in a man's body, it's the way I express love, happiness and fun that are feminine. I Like cute stickers on chat, and express love without the fear of be misnterpreted as a sexual interest or abuse. And hate my man body as much as I love the woman body (I like my legs and hair, but not the rest). Beeing a woman gives me more confidence and self steem. I wish to have more feminine characteristics than I have now, started to let my hair grows and keep my face without a beard to see if I become more confortable with my real self as I am with my online avatar, but still dreams to have child so it's why I'm so reluctant with hormones or go all the way through. And the fact my personality and tastes tends change a lot along my life are not helping with this.

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I just... feel like... me?


I've never known anything different really to what I do feel like. I enjoy some masculine and some feminine stuff. I didn't pay attention to any of it though. Even when some stuff happened through my teens then I didn't really click that I had a different way of thinking compared to most people. 

 

Even now I don't think I fully grasp the concept of what it is like to "feel male" or "feel female"...

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48 minutes ago, Ricchan said:

Even now I don't think I fully grasp the concept of what it is like to "feel male" or "feel female"...

Does anyone? I dont know, I think its this psychological thing where you think everyone is kinda the same as you are (the same way it amazes me that not everyone is asexual), but I kinda see everyone as agender except for the people that do know, like agender or neutrois or anything is like the norm. Probably because I dont understand the concept of gender myself, and I very well could be agender. 

Anyone here that does really certainly feel like one gender (doesnt matter whether that is AAB or not ;))

(I hope this doesnt offend anyone, Im still a bit new to the gender thing, if it does please correct me and sorry in advance!:cake:)

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3 minutes ago, Skye2870 said:

Does anyone? I dont know, I think its this psychological thing where you think everyone is kinda the same as you are (the same way it amazes me that not everyone is asexual), but I kinda see everyone as agender except for the people that do know, like agender or neutrois or anything is like the norm. Probably because I dont understand the concept of gender myself, and I very well could be agender. 

Anyone here that does really certainly feel like one gender (doesnt matter whether that is AAB or not ;))

(I hope this doesnt offend anyone, Im still a bit new to the gender thing, if it does please correct me and sorry in advance!:cake:)

After being friends with all sorts of males, who seem to interpret it differently, as well as a bunch of girls who all have their own feelings on it, then I think people don't *know* what makes male, male or female, female. But I do think that a lot of people can look at themselves and say with certainty "yes, I am [gender]". :P 

 

And I agree with you... You don't notice people are different until you are forced into a situation that makes you realise, and even then you think "are they just pretending, so they fit in?" But I have come to the conclusion that it's just wishful thinking.

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2 hours ago, Skye2870 said:

I kinda see everyone as agender except for the people that do know, like agender or neutrois or anything is like the norm

seconded. just sometimes i think, "wow, you're such a man", "wow, you're such a woman", regarding cis people. it's not really aimed at their gender as it is at their socialization and gender stereotypes. it's pretty easy for me to change pronouns and names and see people as a different gender once they come out. it's like everyone is a blank slate for me and when they come out as x i will just add that to it instead of *change* anything. does that make sense at all?

just something i randomly remembered and want to add: a colleague of mine likes to say things like "you know how women are" about attributes like being noisy, talkative, vain. but only when our boss (the only man at work) is there. i hate it, it screams internalized misogyny. our boss (*jokingly*) says similar things and then everyone laughs about it because obviously this is so true about all women hahahaha. once i also heard said colleague say "maybe she's on her period and that's why she's so moody". i hate it when women put each other down aaaah.

 

2 hours ago, Skye2870 said:

Anyone here that does really certainly feel like one gender (doesnt matter whether that is AAB or not ;))

sometimes i feel male. it's weird. i never feel like *a man*, or like *one of the guys*. but i still feel male, it comes in fluctuating intensities but it can be a pretty distinctly male feeling. for a lack of better words. it's confusing for me too, most of the time i am at least somewhat agender. so yeah, i can't grasp the concept of feeling male or female either, even though it applies to me sometimes. :mellow:

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You know..I always wonder what makes one a male and what makes one a female? I'm always stuck in that grey area of "Shrug" Whatever they fancy..the entire male/female concept never really made sense to me anyway.

 

 

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ChillaKilla

2enaqh1.jpg

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On 28.04.2017 at 3:22 PM, Ricchan said:

I've never known anything different really to what I do feel like. I enjoy some masculine and some feminine stuff. I didn't pay attention to any of it though. Even when some stuff happened through my teens then I didn't really click that I had a different way of thinking compared to most people.

Similarly, but I always understood much better what was going on in guys' heads, and their behaviour seemed much more natural for me. That's how I define feeling like gender. Just identifying with the people and statements about them, belonging to the group. Sharing a certain mindset, way of experiencing things?

 

But I don't know if my gender didn't start to float towards the middle recently?

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I don't really know more then I can't get the feeling out of my head am that i should have been born female. Like something went wrong in the manufacturing process like some papers got mixed up.  But then again I am my parents first kid so some problems should be expected. Like I am more of a proof of concept. 

 

And when people here started to call me her and things like that I never thought that I would like it as much as I do.

 

It is really hard to explain what I feel. 

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16 minutes ago, Emery. said:

Similarly, but I always understood much better what was going on in guys' heads, and their behaviour seemed much more natural for me. That's how I define feeling like gender. Just identifying with the people and statements about them, belonging to the group. Sharing a certain mindset, way of experiencing things?

 

But I don't know if my gender didn't start to float towards the middle recently?

I like that description. One thing I have always said is I have never really fully (or even mostly) lined up with either male or female. If I had heard your idea years ago I think that would have helped me work it out way faster.

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ChillaKilla
11 minutes ago, Finn. said:

@ChillaKilla well that is amazing. how did you make that diagramm/graph?

I just found it on the Internet :lol: 

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15 minutes ago, Ricchan said:

I like that description. One thing I have always said is I have never really fully (or even mostly) lined up with either male or female. If I had heard your idea years ago I think that would have helped me work it out way faster.

Thanks :)

 

I meant... I figured since early high school that something like this was up with me, that I had a "male brain", but I didn't think it means I feel like a dude, or that I'm trans or would want to or could one day... be accepted as such I suppose, although I wished hard it happened. I just didn't think it could apply to me, and didn't know it's what I'm wishing for. Anyway, all I've described creates for me a sense of being a guy, identification with that.

 

I wanted to edit the previous post but it was too late  :P

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Cimmerian
On 5/1/2017 at 10:25 AM, Emery. said:

Similarly, but I always understood much better what was going on in guys' heads, and their behaviour seemed much more natural for me. That's how I define feeling like gender. Just identifying with the people and statements about them, belonging to the group. Sharing a certain mindset, way of experiencing things?

 

But I don't know if my gender didn't start to float towards the middle recently?

I don't think I've seen it worded as mindset/a way of experiencing things lately! I like that.

 

I think that's one of the aspects that makes gender so strange to me; when you don't share the majority of the mindset of a particular gender then gender doesn't seem to make a lot of sense when it comes to yourself since gender is essentially mental.

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On the one side i think i should have been born male but on the other hand i just want to be me and just act like a guy. I can't shake the feeling off me how it would be like to go on T for real, sometimes i wonder if i shouldn't just take the plunge but on the other side i would be unhappy if i couldn't return to be myself again..I want to be male and i want to be both male and female..but most of the time i just don't care...Gender is a complicated thing, that's for sure

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arekathevampyre

it is just blank to me . Like I don't feel guy or girl . Just human (or should I say Vampire hahahaha) . So yeah , thus the agenderism here . 

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At first I felt trapped and depressed because I felt so helpless like suicide would be better than what i was feeling. Now that I know there is a way and i can finally learn to love myself. :)

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On 5/11/2017 at 3:43 PM, M00SE said:

At first I felt trapped and depressed because I felt so helpless like suicide would be better than what i was feeling. Now that I know there is a way and i can finally learn to love myself. :)

I'm super glad you feel differently now! ^_^ 

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On 11-5-2017 at 4:43 PM, M00SE said:

At first I felt trapped and depressed because I felt so helpless like suicide would be better than what i was feeling. Now that I know there is a way and i can finally learn to love myself. :)

I'm glad to read you are feeling better! Spoiler, might be TW-ish

 

I know.. dealing with suicidal thoughts and depression isn't easy to overcome..doable but not quite easy but when you learn to love and accept yourself it's much easier to deal with things. I think that that was one of the important things i've learned when i was trying to fight my way out of it.

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My favourite quote at the moment is by Miles McKenna: "I don't subscribe to the idea of gender." I'm a girl (I guess?) who doesn't really beleive in gender and sees it as a social construct. 

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Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet
On 5/11/2017 at 10:43 AM, M00SE said:

At first I felt trapped and depressed because I felt so helpless like suicide would be better than what i was feeling. Now that I know there is a way and i can finally learn to love myself. :)

*Big hugs*

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On 2017-05-11 at 4:43 PM, M00SE said:

At first I felt trapped and depressed because I felt so helpless like suicide would be better than what i was feeling. Now that I know there is a way and i can finally learn to love myself. :)

I am glad that you are feeling better *hugs*

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I'mjustsoconfused
On 5/15/2017 at 7:55 AM, Rhyme said:

My favourite quote at the moment is by Miles McKenna: "I don't subscribe to the idea of gender." I'm a girl (I guess?) who doesn't really beleive in gender and sees it as a social construct. 

^Exactly what I've been struggling to understand this week

 

I hope it's not overly presumptuous to ask, but I have a difficult time figuring out what trans/non-binary people mean when they say that they "feel like they are another gender". Could someone help me to understand?

 

I guess where I'm coming from is that I really don't understand why gender is an issue. Obviously physical sex is important for medical reasons and I get that gender is the social construct that is generally connected to physical sex. But why is it that we care about gender?  I don't think I've ever defined myself by my gender; it seems odd to me that people use playing with traditionally "boy" toys or having more guy friends as a sign that they should have been male because, well, isn't that kind of what feminism is fighting against? The idea that women have to fit into these specific "feminine" categories. So I've never really understood why not fitting into those categories would make one male, or vice versa.

 

Hope that doesn't rub anyone the wrong way!

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<No longer active>
4 hours ago, I'mjustsoconfused said:

I hope it's not overly presumptuous to ask, but I have a difficult time figuring out what trans/non-binary people mean when they say that they "feel like they are another gender". Could someone help me to understand?

 

I guess where I'm coming from is that I really don't understand why gender is an issue. Obviously physical sex is important for medical reasons and I get that gender is the social construct that is generally connected to physical sex. But why is it that we care about gender?  I don't think I've ever defined myself by my gender; it seems odd to me that people use playing with traditionally "boy" toys or having more guy friends as a sign that they should have been male because, well, isn't that kind of what feminism is fighting against? The idea that women have to fit into these specific "feminine" categories. So I've never really understood why not fitting into those categories would make one male, or vice versa.

It's hard to understand... I know my dad doesn't get it. I don't truly have the words yet (I'm hopefully getting therapy to help with that), so maybe I should be leaving this to Hadley or Heart...

 

(This is my experience. I don't speak for everyone)

 

I want my body to match my 'soul', my inner me. There's a lost boy in here, a lonely boy, and he can't be seen because I've got boobs. It's more than that. I'm just not a girl. :/ She/her/hers are not my pronouns and it's weird when they're used for me. My name is not the girl name people call me. I wish my name was unisex, then I wouldn't have to/want to change it, but it's a girl name, and it gives me distress to hear it.

 

It's like telling someone their eyes are brown despite the fact they know their eyes are blue, they're just wearing contacts. And maybe one day they'll be able to take out the contacts, maybe sometime soon, but their eyes have to adjust and it's better to go gradually. Nobody else knows they're wearing these contacts. People don't believe them. Maybe they aren't too sure about it themself.

 

However, if you leave contacts in your eyes too long, you can damage them. If you hide your gender too long, your mental issues can and will pile up. (I get depressive episodes and have a mild baseline anxiety.)

 

TLDR: It's a dissonance between how I see myself and how others see me. I see myself and I think, wow, cute boy. I see boobs and I think, how did they get here? Others just see a butch lesbian/'transtrender'. It's not fun, not easy, and yes, there are good moments, but they're usually few compared to the bad.

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7 minutes ago, rivkael said:

 

 

I want my body to match my 'soul', my inner me. There's a lost boy in here, a lonely boy, and he can't be seen because I've got boobs.

I recognize myself so much in that. There is a lonely scared girl inside of me that want to come out and look around. And be who she really is. But there is this stupid shell in the way that lock her away.

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Rivkael, I see you. I'm sure a lot of people see you for who you are. Think about people you love or who you feel like you can talk with about literally anything, silliest things, crazy things, cry on their shoulder or laugh until it hurts. I see you all. I'm sorry you have to feel this way and I know how it's like. But you can be free and there are people who understand. 

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