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Can anyone explain sex to a 14-years old boy?


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#1 Skinnee Jay

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Posted 21 April 2009 - 07:38 PM

I'm not asexual, but I still hang around AVEN because it's simply a great place. Now, I know this may not be the best place to ask this but the world "acceptance" and "tolerance" are written all over.

Now, I've seen there are sexuals here and well... I just can't understand sex, y'know? I know I experience the attraction and all, I can tell. But it's simply a subject I can't understand. I'm constantly confused, wondering between wrong or right... I can try to avoid it, but I really prefer to just confront it. So, uh, I don't have a specific question but, I'd like to hear the thoughts of sexuals (asexuals' thoughts are welcomed too, obviously). You know, just try to explain....


Sorry for ranting...
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#2 CBC.Radio.Girl

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Posted 21 April 2009 - 07:54 PM

Okay, maybe you don't have specific questions... but can you explain what it is about sex that you don't understand? Just so that people can have a jumping-off point for discussion?
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#3 Skinnee Jay

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Posted 21 April 2009 - 07:56 PM

Even that I don't know. I guess the emotional stuff that revolves around it. I guess I don't even know what I want to know.
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#4 CBC.Radio.Girl

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Posted 21 April 2009 - 08:46 PM

Well, by "sex", I assume you mean "sexual intercourse", as you've said you do experience sexual attraction. [Although that doesn't necessarily mean one understands it just because they experience it.]

Anyway... I'm not sure I, personally, can offer you many answers. I identify [most likely] as demisexual, though I've not had sex thus far [I'm 24]. There are certainly others here who have had much more experience with these matters than I have.


I guess the emotional stuff that revolves around it.


Emotions... About having sex? Wanting sex? First-time sex? During sex? In the context of a relationship? Random uncommitted sex?

The only thing I can really offer in regards to emotions is that, with the right person, it's always something that should make you feel happy, emotionally connected to someone you care for and respect, comfortable with yourself, etc. and never ashamed, disgusted, scared, and whatnot. Also, I've heard it's sometimes normal to feel sad after losing your virginity. But as for emotions about sex in general... well, that's all I've got, really.

I really do hope you find whatever answers you're looking for, though.
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#5 NŠt.

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Posted 21 April 2009 - 09:16 PM

I don't think anyone truly understands it beyond a purely biological stance.

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#6 CBC.Radio.Girl

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Posted 21 April 2009 - 09:38 PM

Just thought I'd add: At the age of 14, please, please, please don't be worried about the emotions surrounding sex. Curious, sure. But trying to understand it? I'm not trying to understand it and I'm a decade older than you. I'm sure, as Fish pointed out... does anyone?
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#7 Sally

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Posted 21 April 2009 - 09:47 PM

Sex is an urge. I don't think you can truly understand urges as they're not based on anything rational. You just understand that some people HAVE that urge.
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#8 NŠt.

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Posted 21 April 2009 - 09:53 PM

And if you got the urge, go to Burger King!

Srsly though, don't do that. 'Cause they'll arrest you. I know.

"[T]he future isn't a boot stamping on a human face, forever. It's a person in a beige business outfit advocating beige policies that nobody wants (but nobody can quite articulate a coherent alternative to) with a false mandate obtained by performing rituals of representative democracy that offer as much actual choice as a Stalinist one-party state. And resistance is futile, because if you succeed in overthrowing the beige dictatorship, you will become that which you opposed."

 

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#9 CBC.Radio.Girl

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Posted 21 April 2009 - 10:01 PM

^^ :huh: I'm not even going to ask. Because I don't want to know...
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#10 Balsam

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Posted 21 April 2009 - 11:52 PM

:blink:

:blush: :redface:

there alot to say for virginity. i say stay a kid until your 21 then let your curiosity show you the answers.
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#11 AllyCat

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Posted 22 April 2009 - 12:01 AM

I think the best place to go might be Scarleteen. It's a sex education site geared toward teenagers (though I think it's good for adults too). There's honest discussion of both the mechanical stuff and the emotional stuff.

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Posted 22 April 2009 - 12:10 AM

weirdly I think it was at the age of 14 that I STOPPED having any desire to have sex. I remember fantasizing about it when I was 12 or 13 and then a year or so later thinking "Oh remember that stupid phase I had thinking about sex". I then realised that the only point to sex is to reproduce and figured I wasn't going to do that til I was in my 20s so I'll pass that bridge when I come to it. When I finally figured I'd give it a try it was very disappointing experience.

In terms of helping you, I guess just keep being intellectually curious, and your answers will become clearer. Personally I wouldn't link emotions to sex too much as people who do that tend to get walked all over and get hurt a lot, and that's obviously not the road to go down. Just try and cultivae as many decent friendships as possible. And if you want a relationship with a girl, take your time and enjoy each other's company, if you then feel you BOTH want to try sex then go for it, but don't expect too much from it.

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Posted 22 April 2009 - 08:56 AM

There is no right or wrong around sex thats why it's so confusing

The basic human need for sex is to reproduce, beyond that humans are one of the few species that shag for more than that. Why do they do it? you can generalise and for that most is the attraction in the mind that rapidly changes to an attraction of the groin..a need to release for many wether by ejaculation/orgasm

there will be other reasons but on the whole I feel those two reasons cover most

#14 Skinnee Jay

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Posted 22 April 2009 - 10:28 AM

First of all, thanks for the replies.

I understand sex intellectually, in a way I know it's for reproduction. I also have a very negative attitude towards sex. I mean, feeling safe/good/comfort/happy/respectful with someone you have sex with, even from love, doesn't make sense to me. It sounds so... stupid.

I also think maybe it's because I have hard time accepting my sexuality. I even think I don't want to accept it.
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#15 happylife

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Posted 22 April 2009 - 01:43 PM

it's like a journey. visiting new places of each other's body every day. seeking to feel everything that each other's body and soul will present. it's really not supposed to be about the body, or the private parts only, it should be all about loving, caring, and sharing. after the journey, refreshed and energized, you jump in your tedious daily life, waiting for the next exploration trip with a person you love.


if I'm a mother talking with my son..
sex is a way of expressing love. when a woman tells you she would like to have sex with you, it means she is wanting to feel the warmth of your body and share sexual pleasure with you. please don't forget to be always nice to girls you sleep with. and practice safe sex. sex can be a beautiful thing if it's safe and consensual.

son, here's one more thing.
once you've experienced sex, that is, you've seen the adult's world, you'll not be able to return to where you didn't know what sex would be like and you may not be able to see a girl the way you do now. what I'm trying to say is this. when it comes to sex, there's no need to hurry. it wouldn't be too late if you start sex when you turn 18. but if it's too hard or almost impossible, be a responsible and loving man.

#16 -V-

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Posted 22 April 2009 - 02:18 PM

It'll be easier if you accept it, your sexuality will be with you our whole life and its a lot of work to fight it. Some Specific questions would be really helpful.

We know you're a male, are you hetero or homosexual? Your sig about the queer orange makes me ask.
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#17 thylacine

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Posted 23 April 2009 - 01:34 AM

Here is the standard explanation of the "Birds and the Bees" --

Birds fly, and bees make honey.

Sorry. I heard that line on TV once, and just couldn't help myself.
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Posted 23 April 2009 - 08:44 AM

Jay

I will be blunt as to be honest I'm not a fan of fairy world or words longer than they need to be

Your 14, your just starting your sexual road and you will not have the answers for a long time many of us are much older and still do not have the answers. If you feel you are as queer as a queer thing then why worry just take life's road and see where it takes you

You will see many in Aven who are so busy seeking the reason, so busy saying I am an Asexual in here but won't say a word outside of the keyboard, to busy arguing that they forget they are people, just people and we all have different roads to follow but struggle to see they are normal people with a difference.

If you are seeking explanation of sex you will recieve many different explanations and you know what.. why seek it, experience life first then have a feeling on it

#19 sonofzeal

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Posted 23 April 2009 - 09:43 AM

Here's a repost of something I wrote earlier, explaining what arousal and orgasms were like....

Arousal - picture a warmth, starting from your genitals and radiating outward. You become increasingly aware of it the stronger it gets, and your mind slips away from other things to come back and focus on it and what's causing it. Other things seem to not matter as much. It's nothing like "leg fallen asleep", but there is an active component to it, a sense of presence and warmth that goes beyond just a rise in temperature.

Orgasm - light collecting in your stomach and genitals and then radiating outward through your body. Everything else disappears for a moment except you, the overwhelming feeling, and the cause. Not pleasure, exactly, more broad-spectrum, like emotional white-noise playing loud on all frequencies, like vision fading to white. You're only lost there for a moment, but the feeling keeps going for a while as your body fully tenses around your core, and then slowly relaxes as the feeling fades. You're left tired and breathing hard, but utterly relaxed physically and emotionally, and for a period of time stress and sadness and depression feel like a thing of the past. But, life is there waiting for you afterward, and the normal cares and concerns still have to be dealt with.

Listening to Sigur Ros - Hjarta Ham, the sound at 2:54 and 4:54 reminds me of what I'm describing. The slow build, rising to a peak that isn't loud, or busy, or anything like that - it just is, and for a moment it takes over. The peak remains throughout the chorus, but the specialness of the first moment isn't really there, and eventually it relaxes back into the normal rhythm.


Now, think about that in tandem with another person. Lying next to eachother in stillness and simplicity, sharing that quiet heartbeat between the two of you. On the whole I think orgasms are highly overrated... but there is a certain clarity there, where for a little while you're not thinking of anything else, and you can simply be with the other person. And any emotionally significant moment that's shared like that is a bonding experience.
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#20 Skinnee Jay

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Posted 23 April 2009 - 01:05 PM

Some of the answers here helped me a little bit. Now I see a few reasons why I can't understand it, or hate it:
1. I feel disconnected with the physical world. I want to know people emotionally, who they are and all of that stuff. But physically? I don't care. In fact, I hate the physical world. I don't want to know my body or anyone's body. The physical world, for me, is devoid of any content or meaning.
2. I'm not a warm person. I don't like people very much. I love my loneliness and isolation. If anyone asks me how to express love to me best, is leaving me alone and letting me be. I tend to dream of simply living far away from everyone. Just me and myself.

I will still fight my sexuality. In fact, I can beat it. My hobbies keep me busy and off it. The more I know of darker sides to sex, real sides and not spiritual or emotional sides (which I just can't bring myself to take seriously, somehow) the less sexy it gets.

The quote is my sig is just a cool quote, that's why it's there. Also, "queer" also means weird or strange. And that's what I feel I am. I'm a normal hetero.

Still, am I missing something important/essential by dragging my sexuality down? I'm thankful for all the comments.
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#21 ghosts

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Posted 23 April 2009 - 04:08 PM

I feel like I need to say this, and I don't mean to disrespect you in any way. I mean, it's great that you're trying to understand things here on AVEN, and that you're trying to understand sex. But, you're only 14. No, it's not the youngest age out there, but at 14, you are still a kid. I don't expect you to have the greatest or maturest understanding of sex at 14, because most people your age don't. At 14, I think I was bitter about the whole thing too - I didn't understand why people even wanted to date, and sex was just icky to me. But to hate something like sex at 14? That seems extreme, & I can't understand it.

I'd urge you not to make up your mind about something like sex at such a young age - it's something that so many people clearly enjoy and are able to do so responsibly & have a natural urge and desire for it - I don't think it's good to be so negative about something that doesn't need to be that big a deal. To me, it would be like hating music - I just can't see the point of feeling hatred towards something like that. And yeah, sex can be a huge thing, I know - but often, I think people make it out to be something way more huge & serious than it needs to be, as I've often seen on AVEN. Sex happens, whether we want it to or not. I don't think it's worth it to be so bitter and angry about sex in general, when it seems like the real target should be how sex is portrayed in your society.

Ok, with that being said - if you're asking about emotions involved in sex, I don't think there's any definite answer - people experience things differently. As an asexual who has sex & who enjoys it, I can say that for me, there are some emotions involved in sex. Just like there are emotions involved when I hug someone (usually) or kiss someone, or cuddle someone. For me, physically intimate acts like that are *awesome* with someone that I care about & am comfortable doing those things with. I get lots of warm & fuzzy feelings when I do those things for the most part. Sex is a bit different, but it's also a physically intimate act - you are literally very close to someone when you have sex, there's lots of touching, usually lots of kissing & such. It's very intimate, & seeing how I do it with someone I really care about, there are some emotions tied into sex with that person. It's one way of expressing & showing those emotions.

If you don't want to have sex, that's fine - you don't need to have sex (and at 14, you probably shouldn't). But the way you go about expressing that - that hatred, & the fact that you feel the need to "fight" something like sex & "beat" it, that just seems a little over the top, especially for one so young. It'd be like me trying to fight who I am - it seems like it's more about suppressing rather than accepting, and it doesn't seem like the best thing to be doing to yourself.

#22 Skinnee Jay

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Posted 23 April 2009 - 06:11 PM

Ghosts, thanks for the comment. It was a really good and insightful one. Now, I will address some points:

1. As I have already said, I can't experience intimacy/don't like the idea/sees it as pointless. Why do I need some people to know me real good? Sounds a little pointless. Or at least the whole physical thing. When people hug me, I pretty much "disconnect" from my own body. Either way, intimacy is... not for me, I guess.

2. I know I'm taking it to the extreme a little bit, but I don't think it really matters. I'm not going to bother people if they're having it. It's their business. But simply have animosity towards it - and it's not holy enough so there is really nothing wrong with it.

3. Again, I can't see what's wrong with me suppressing my sexual desires. When I hate the whole idea, it's not hard to suppress it. I can't let myself enjoy it, or even experience it either way. I can't even look at girls and think of this stuff. It may an on-going fight between me and myself-but it seems I can defeat my desires and drown them. I can't see what's wrong here.
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#23 CBC.Radio.Girl

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Posted 23 April 2009 - 06:28 PM

3. Again, I can't see what's wrong with me suppressing my sexual desires. When I hate the whole idea, it's not hard to suppress it. I can't let myself enjoy it, or even experience it either way. I can't even look at girls and think of this stuff. It may an on-going fight between me and myself-but it seems I can defeat my desires and drown them. I can't see what's wrong here.


It's unhealthy.

You don't see it now, but if you live your life suppressing your "desires", or any other part of who you are, for that matter, I can guarantee you'll regret it someday. Nobody is saying you have to become a sex-a-holic, but if you're a sexual person, there's not a whole lot you can do about that.
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#24 Skinnee Jay

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Posted 23 April 2009 - 07:14 PM

Umm... What's unhealthy about it? Although recently, it's pretty much harder to not suppress it. I got used to it and I can't stop now. And, well, it makes me happy. It gives me some control. And I hate sex too much for confusing me either way. So I don't think I can even bring myself to accept it.
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#25 CBC.Radio.Girl

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Posted 23 April 2009 - 08:28 PM

Umm... What's unhealthy about it?


You're not being yourself. It's pretty hard to suppress what you really feel or think. Been there, done that. [Not in relation to sexuality, but in other areas of my life.] One day you'll recognise that it's not worth it, and it likely will no longer make you "happy", as you say it does now.

But seriously, please, as I and others said before... you're 14! That's not to say that what you feel isn't real; not at all. Your feelings and thoughts are 100% valid, and they're relevant to you right now. But at 24, I'm only beginning to figure the whole sexuality thing out myself. There are a few things I'm certain of, and many I'm not. But I'm okay with that. I'll figure them out when the time is right. So please, at 14, don't box yourself in by making such definite statements about sex. My own thoughts on the matter have changed since I was 14, for sure. [And they continue to change.] But at 14, I really don't think you need to worry about "understanding" sex.
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#26 Hallucigenia

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Posted 23 April 2009 - 09:13 PM

So please, at 14, don't box yourself in by making such definite statements about sex.


*cough* *cough*

Haven't we heard that sort of line before?

Jay, you came to this thread sounding conflicted and looking for answers and information, and while I don't exactly HAVE any answers (although the site that Ally linked to sounds good), I can say that doesn't sound much like "boxing yourself in" to me.

Keep looking for information and eventually you'll figure something out, and it might not be what you - or any of us - are expecting.

(Edit: Sorry, I edited while CBC.Radio.Girl was posting so this might not make sense in context, or something.)

#27 CBC.Radio.Girl

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Posted 23 April 2009 - 09:23 PM

So please, at 14, don't box yourself in by making such definite statements about sex.


*cough* *cough*

Haven't we heard that sort of line before?


Yup, we have. But I believe it's a pretty big factor.

Why are we assuming that this person's sexuality is an intrinsic part of him that he can't possibly seek to get rid of, but his feelings of dislike for sex are not? That confuses me. They both might change or they might not, as far as I can see.


Oh, I'm not assuming that his dislike of sex is definitely something that he can get rid of. Maybe not. But that's where the age thing comes into play... Good god, if I was the same person now as I was at 14, and held some of the same attitudes and opinions I did then, well... eek. :S But people change. Sure, maybe they don't in some respects. But maybe they do. That's why I don't recommend getting too worked up about how one feels about sex at such a young age.

That being said, if it's a huuuuge issue, maybe speaking to someone like a counsellor or therapist would help. Because, if I'm honest, I don't think it's normal to have such an intense hatred for something one obviously knows very little about.
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#28 Skinnee Jay

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Posted 24 April 2009 - 09:34 AM

Umm... I actually think I know more about sex than my peers. Maybe it's the normal "I'm better than everyone" feeling (although I don't have it here), but I pretty much know beyond the normal intercourse. Maybe getting exposed to it too early and knowing a little too much (although I never really tried to explore. I only do enough to hope there is something bad about it, haha) made be become all jaded and cynical about it.

Other than that, my thoughts are stronger than the desire. In fact, I don't even want it. I just got the drive, and most of the time, I turn it off. It's easy and it's great. I tend to get all angry at myself after masturbating, haha.

I guess I'm pretty fine with who I am, pretty much. It'll be much harder to suppress the thoughts... or maybe not. But I like it that way. I feel like I can fill my life with more meaningful stuff. Stuff that is exciting and interesting in a positive way.


On a side note: I don't think most of my feelings are valid. Thoughts-yes. Feelings-most of them I simply drown using music or something. Only a few things I take seriously. Like this thread, for example.

I'm still happy with all the comments though. Especially CBC.Radio.Girl. Thanks.
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#29 CBC.Radio.Girl

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Posted 24 April 2009 - 10:36 AM

I'm still happy with all the comments though. Especially CBC.Radio.Girl. Thanks.


:blink:

Uh, you're welcome, I guess! :unsure:

[I was actually more concerned that I may have offended you... :S]
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Posted 24 April 2009 - 10:37 AM

Jay your not alone

Many 14 year olds think they know everything, most of us did when we were younger but we didn't have the internet. Unfortuneatly some confuse information with correct answers. Example..for every one correct answer on the internet there may be 100 half truths and 200 non truths but all seem to be correct.

I suppress feelings as I suspect many Avenites do and if they tell you they don't ask how many of them have been open about being an Asexual?

although I don't like the term your just a kid( I hated it when it was quoted to me) I do feel that at teenage years it is the start of a road of exploration and to not explore will see you finding a path that isn't fully informed and possibly for you.

You do seem confused Jay if you don't mind me saying, one minute it seems like your a walking hard on and the next minute your suppressing the very feeling..don't worry this is normal for the learning time of being a teenager.

The best advice I can give is that during the learning years people make mistakes, thats the only way we learn, learn from them and it will be a positive thing even in the sad days. Don't pressure yourself, I generally find my first thoughts are the right ones and I go with them and see how things go also don't be afraid from time to time to tale a step back and review.

beyond all the above.. be you




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