Am I in love? I'm confused about friendship

[inloveguy]

Hi everyone,

I'm a guy in my 30s. I have kinda a pathetic history. I've never been on a "date" at least I don't think so, but now I'm confused what a "date" is. If "dating" is dinner and a movie, then I've been on lots and lots of "dates" with a friend. But if "dating" is kissing and even sex and well never "dated" then. Never had a girlfriend.

So the thing is I used to be obese and I used that as kind of a psychological barrier and so never "dated" in high school, never went to prom or whatnot. Never been kissed, never had any kind of sex (well if you wanna be technical, I'll get to that later).

Ok so by now, I'm wondering if I'm asexual. I'm not "non sexual", I wank, lol, I enjoy a good looking person. But I feel "abnormal". My mom, who was like a best friend to me passed away a few years ago.

Ok, so a few years ago, I met this lady at work, she's in her early 50s. And, we started "hanging out". At first it was me and a group of our other friends, but then one day I suggested we start doing things just us. So most of the time it is just me and/or her family. She has a son that she's close to, but I see her more than he does! It's strange. We talk on the phone and we go lots of places. A lot of the time, out to dinner, most of the time it's "dutch", we each pay our own way, but a few times I have paid. So is this a "date". On our first "date", lol, she proclaimed that she is no longer actively looking for a boyfriend and it was not a "date". Ok, I accepted that.

Well one day, I had to cancel last minute one of our "dates". We were gonna go to dinner last minute and tour a historical hotel. Yeah, circumstantially it looks like she has designs on me, heh. Well I had to cancel last minute to be with my father when he asked me to be there for something and boy it was like I let my "girlfriend" down. She went all "junior high" on me, not understanding at all. She told me in an almost crying manner that she was really looking forward to it. I tried to call her back and apologize and she just kinda said she had to go. It was a week until she answered her phone again, normally she answered all the time.

When we go out, we like to travel around. We have lots of chemistry, we talk forever. Sometimes we're out to dawn, all perfectly "platonic". But the thing is, my heart does go pitter patter. It like "burns" a little for her, I can feel butterflies, but I am not sexually attracted to her. It's all in a friendship, gooey kind of way. Not in a "I want to hump her" kind of way.

I think I'm close to her because she reminds me of my late mother, we're friends and we get along.

So I'm really confused if we we're in a relationship or not, lol. She's made jokes about "sleeping" together, but has stressed we're not dating. So, here's the problem. She has another guy friend that's about my age. Again this is someone platonic, but she's as close to him as she is to me. It's a platonic mothering kind of relationship.

Well they used to work together. He has a car, hangs at her house all the time, he has a mom she likes. She doesn't like my father. And I find myself getting really jealous of this. I don't have a car, can't get one any time soon, I don't have a mom she likes. I feel I can't compete with that.

So a few weeks ago, we went out to dinner, me and her family. It was blissful, I was really happy, but that's when I get scared because it's like when I'm happy, I tend to lose it, sigh. So like a few days ago, I was really down, and she says that this guy came to her house all depressed and they went driving and she comforted him. And, then he got sick and she visited him in the hospital, and she's seen him like 10 times just in the past week. At present due to the economy, they're both unemployed and can see each other often, and I have to work.

So I'm feeling like "I'm gonna lose my woman" to this other guy. She's known him slightly longer. And, I find I'm really jealous and I don't understand it. I'm not sexually attracted to her. I mean sometimes she has a hot body but she used to be a smoker, and I can't even imagine kissing her, lol. And I don't think this other guy is either, but I'm so jealous I can't stand it, and feel compelled to tell her, but if I do that and tell her I feel like she is somehow "family" well that's just gonna make our relationship crash and burn I know it, and I don't know what to do. And, even if I "win", I don't want to deal with the "fallout". I don't want to like make-out with her, but at present I can't demand "exclusivity".

So I'm really confused. The closest I've come to "sex" is online, and that wasn't planned. I used to talk to this person a lot and became attached. One day this person began fooling around online and I got jealous, seems to be a pattern. And, I confessed that and they were understanding. And, then one day, they came on to me online and we cybered (just text), and well that's the closest for sex for me, lol. After that since our relationship was platonic, it crashed and burned, and we don't speak to each other, they went offline. That was with a guy, but he didn't consider himself "gay" and I really don't want that to be an issue. I have no idea if I consider myself bisexual or asexual or what. I don't want this topic to stray, lol. It's about the woman.

And, so obviously I'm afraid to open myself up to people like that any more, and I really don't want to lose what I have with this woman, yet I don't want to stand idylly by while this other guy takes "my woman", and I don't know what to do.

So at this point, I don't know if I'm asexual or not, or how to classify our relationship. I used to think men and women could be just friends, I am not jealous of her female friends, but I feel threatened by this other guy.

So what do you think? Am I in love? Do I admit my feelings and tell her I'm jealous? I just want to preserve what we have, I don't want to hump her.

Right now watching my weight again, she's been on me about that, like there is "sexual" interest or undertone. I'm just so confused.

Thanks for any advice, sorry if this is slightly off-topic, but it's a confused asexual (though not really purposeful) relationship and I'm confused about it. I want my woman, hehe.

inloveguy

[Novalee]

Hello! From what you have said, it seems to me that you are asexual. It's up for you to decide, but if you do not experience sexual attraction, you are probably asexual.

I also think that it is normal for asexuals to feel jealous if their significant other is involved with another person. Jealousy is a natural reaction when you fear that someone you love might love someone else more than you. It has nothing to do with sex. Friends are often jealous of other friends. My last boyfriend had lots of friends who were girls and it made me a little bit jealous on the inside, but most of the time, I tried not to let it bother me. I think it is quite possible that you love this woman, or maybe you care for her very much. My definition of love, which I think is true for sexuals and asexuals, is based on trust, respect, and honesty. While sex or intimacy can be an expression of love, it is not the only way to show love.

I suggest you talk to her about your feelings and your jealousy because jealousy can breed resentment. It is unfair to her if you feel jealous/upset when she does not even know that she is causing you this pain. When you talk with her about your relationship make sure you tell her how much you value the relationship you have now. I hope this helps a little. Good luck with your relationshop.

[Astryda]

You sound like an asexual but may also be Grey- A (and only you can decide which one fits you better, click here to learn what Grey- A is).

I think I'm close to her because she reminds me of my late mother, we're friends and we get along.

I think you just try to 'replace' your mother by that woman and that's about it.

So I'm really confused if we we're in a relationship or not, lol. She's made jokes about "sleeping" together, but has stressed we're not dating. So, here's the problem. She has another guy friend that's about my age. Again this is someone platonic, but she's as close to him as she is to me. It's a platonic mothering kind of relationship.

Maybe she doesn't know what she wants, maybe she's playing with you or she just treats you and that guy like her sons (as you mentioned it).

Well they used to work together. He has a car, hangs at her house all the time, he has a mom she likes. She doesn't like my father. And I find myself getting really jealous of this. I don't have a car, can't get one any time soon, I don't have a mom she likes. I feel I can't compete with that.

Should you really care so much about someone who prefers someone just because he's a car?

I'm not sure what this woman wants from you, she plays with you like with boyfriend (for example: "It was a week until she answered her phone again, normally she answered all the time.", she probably did this to show you that you may lose her and to see how much you care about her) but also like she wants to have two guys and see which one is 'better' for her.

I think you should be careful...

Good luck :)

[metalgirl2045]

Men and women often have close platonic friendships including activities that could also be seen as dates, but women also do those things with other women a lot. I have someone who is basically a "gay best friend" (bi actually, and has a girlfriend), I think we've been mistaken for a couple several times. We're very close but I don't see him as or want him as a boyfriend, in fact I like the fact that he's in a long-term relationship with someone else because it removes the awkwardness which might come with any possibility that we could get together. You seem to be in a similar situation but with the "what if" not ruled out.

[inloveguy]

Thank you everyone. Responding to Vei'sha. Interesting about this Grey-A, thing. That's probably me, but I'm a virgin, but I'm not like frigid or whatever, lol. I think my sex drive and orientation (male/female) is driven by hormones. Sometimes it's non-existent and sometimes it's there. As I said, I wank ;). From a theoretical perspective I like sex, just never done it. As far as being intimate, that may be a different story, not sure.

I know I attract a lot of people, all kinds of people. There would be people that would be jealous of all the people I attract and wonder why I don't respond, lol. Lots of stereotypically hot girls and guys are attracted to me, and are not so shy about telling me so, sometimes it's in a joking way, sometimes it's blatant.

With the guy online, it was like my sex drive took over when I heard him talk about "fooling around". I got really jealous to the point of crying over it. I definitely had romantic feelings for him, which really confused me. And, then when he came on to me online, it was in a joking way, but it was serious too, lol. And, after some minor protesting, just said what the hey and went for it. I don't regret telling him my feelings and "fooling around", but it wasn't real sex, despite what people call it. And, it was only online, so it's hard to really classify it, other than that I loved this person. Plus in a truly asexual way, I didn't "get off from it", either did he. I didn't wank or anything, it was just a way to channel romantic feelings and our feelings for each other were at such a point, that was how we expressed it. But it was opening myself up to someone in an intimate way, and for that I don't regret making the choices I made.

I don't want things with this woman to crash and burn like that online relationship did.

With this lady, I just enjoy our close friendship, it's really nice and I don't wanna lose it. I don't think she's so shallow as to like him better because he has a car, but I DO think she would see that as he being more mature, even though she is constantly complaining to me about how she has to "mother" him, which makes me feel like I can't be vulnerable with her. I don't know if she's "playing" either of us or not. But she does bring up getting "in shape" a lot. I met her when I was thinner. Somehow I feel as if it's "sexual" in nature.

I do fear that as she is able to spend more time with him and sometimes works with him that their relationship will flourish into something more, something deeper, and that would tear me apart because there would be no place for me. Right now, she is the closest I have to any kind of family relationship.

Inloveguy

[alittlebirdy]

Your situation sounds very complicated. I think that it is important to realize that you can't make a relationship work on your own. You can't make her want you any more than you can make her not want the other guy. Both members of the relationship have free will and just having one of them want it to work doesn't mean it will.

For her comments about getting "in shape," it could be a number of things. It could be that she's seeking affirmation from you that you still find her pleasing despite the extra weight she has gained. It could also be an actual desire to lose weight, though, it's hard to tell with women sometimes. Do you ever work out at a gym? An interesting way to show her that you listen to her and care about what she's saying might be to invite her to the gym with you. Just a thought.

If your worry is that she can spend more time with him, all you can do is try your best to show her that you're willing to spend as much time with her as you can. It might not be as much as the other guy because you have a job, but sometimes the thought is what counts. I hope, if this ends up working out for you, that you check your self-confidence. If you are constantly worried that someone who comes along is better than you and will steal her away, they probably will.

Remember that she may make a choice that isn't what you'd like, and that it doesn't really reflect poorly on you just because of that.

Good luck.

[Zygote]

She sounds like trouble. She doesn't want you to date her, but she wants you every bit as involved in her life as a boyfriend would be. And she keeps two of these "not boyfriends" around at the same time? If there's really no competition, if there's really no romantic interest, the three of you could all hang out together.

It sounds like you're romantically attracted to this woman. Sadly, it also sounds like she isn't very committed to the relationship. Take care of yourself, ok? I might be over-fussing about nothing, but it doesn't sound like she's going to take care of you.

[metalgirl2045]

So if a woman has close male friends she's leading them on and being a bad person? If she had exactly the same friendship with women would that be different?

Some people just do find it difficult to introduce friends to other friends.

[inloveguy]

Well you've both made some interesting comments. As I said before I'm really not sure if she's "playing" either one of us. I don't think it's purposeful on her part, but I cannot know. She DOES have female friends, but the two of us are much closer to her than any of her female friends, but that could also be the result of the fact that she likes things guys like.

As far as it being "competition", I really don't know. We all used to work together, so I do KNOW this guy, but I haven't seen him very much at all since we stopped working together. For a time, he moved away, but he came back. As I said before, previously, their friendship I hadn't felt "threatened" by it. Now for some reason, this feeling wells up inside me, which makes me wonder if I'm not falling in love with her. It is true, the three of us don't hang out together.

So far, I have kept my feelings to myself. I'm trying to come up with some way of expressing this to her without it affecting our relationship or making it appear as if I'm trying to dictate her friends to her. I find it really hard. We are not in a committed relationship, but I've become so attached to her, and as I've said in the past, she's kinda done this number on me in the past.

In other news, I think another woman I know, randomly asked me for dinner. What gives me pause is that she's been making sex jokes and is now single. If it's just dinner she wants, I'm ok with that. But honestly, if she tries to make a move on me, I don't know what I'd do. I'm trying to figure out why I seem to have a sexophobia, lol. I've accepted. If I were in a committed relationship with the other woman, I'd have declined.

Ok, that's all for now. I'm so confused, and apparently lovesick.

Inloveguy

[metalgirl2045]

Did you loose/have much reduced contact with this guy before he got close to your friend? Is there any reason to think she's avoiding letting the two of you meet when she's around or just had no reason to arrange it?

When I was about to leave the country I invited two male friends over but on separate occasions, I hadn't seem them in a while and woulnd't again for a lomg time and wanted some quality time with each of them. There are other reasons to want to separate close friends than "make them jealous until one wants to date me".

If a woman likes "guy things", her close friends are going to be men. It DOES NOT necessarily mean she sees them as partners or even potential partners, no matter how close. The first person I'd turn to with a personal problem and one of my longest running close friends is the "gay best friend" mentioned before. I often will also turn to the nearest girl with a problem, but it always seems odd afterwards as I'm not actually that close to any girls.

[inloveguy]

We all used to work together. He used to be a supervisor, so and he liked me as a worker, we had a good relationship, though I wasn't close to him or anything. They know longer work there, he moved away for a time.

Later on me moved back, and they worked together at another job. So he's always been in the picture, but at that point, I had much reduced contact with him. But he was living a few miles away, so he was not always there. He would get clingy and she would complain.

As far as me and her, we started hanging together more. It used to be a group of our other friends, and then finally it was just us, either me and her, or she and her family. The other guy has the same status, but he takes fewer trips with her. He does have the advantage of a vehicle and can just go to her house at any time. As close as we are, I've only been once on a holiday, which is a big deal. She tends to reserve holidays for her family. When she asked me she was all looking at the ground, kinda blushing like a schoolgirl, not like her at all, since she's a type A personality.

Her hanging with him didn't bother me before, but it's starting to now. Recently I think it's just because he started hanging out at her house every single day, more than usual recently. We have the same status, but he's able to sweep in like a white knight when she's down, and she's not asexual, though she's platonic in life atm. And, human nature being what it is, I"m just suddenly utterly scared that my place in her life is threatened. I feel like she's moving toward him sometimes. I haven't said a word, but suddenly she's been feeling the need to explain him to me, like "justify" it, which is weird. And, so just generally I think I"m actually closer in the big picture. I can share, lol. I'm just utterly scared she's gonna grow closer to him and then my place is gone.

It's like we're really really close friends, but ugh. Like for instance, she gets jealous of my father, lol. If I do like a dinner with my dad instead of calling her, she calls me on it, as if she were my GF. I have a friend at work who's asked me out for dinner. Dunno that girl's intentions, but if I were to reveal it to my friend, she would practically forbid it, but she would expect me not to react that way to her other male friend.

I'm just confused, and my feelings of wait are making me wonder if I'm in love as I said.

Inloveguy

[asexualslut]

We all used to work together. He used to be a supervisor, so and he liked me as a worker, we had a good relationship, though I wasn't close to him or anything. They know longer work there, he moved away for a time.

Later on me moved back, and they worked together at another job. So he's always been in the picture, but at that point, I had much reduced contact with him. But he was living a few miles away, so he was not always there. He would get clingy and she would complain.

As far as me and her, we started hanging together more. It used to be a group of our other friends, and then finally it was just us, either me and her, or she and her family. The other guy has the same status, but he takes fewer trips with her. He does have the advantage of a vehicle and can just go to her house at any time. As close as we are, I've only been once on a holiday, which is a big deal. She tends to reserve holidays for her family. When she asked me she was all looking at the ground, kinda blushing like a schoolgirl, not like her at all, since she's a type A personality.

Her hanging with him didn't bother me before, but it's starting to now. Recently I think it's just because he started hanging out at her house every single day, more than usual recently. We have the same status, but he's able to sweep in like a white knight when she's down, and she's not asexual, though she's platonic in life atm. And, human nature being what it is, I"m just suddenly utterly scared that my place in her life is threatened. I feel like she's moving toward him sometimes. I haven't said a word, but suddenly she's been feeling the need to explain him to me, like "justify" it, which is weird. And, so just generally I think I"m actually closer in the big picture. I can share, lol. I'm just utterly scared she's gonna grow closer to him and then my place is gone.

It's like we're really really close friends, but ugh. Like for instance, she gets jealous of my father, lol. If I do like a dinner with my dad instead of calling her, she calls me on it, as if she were my GF. I have a friend at work who's asked me out for dinner. Dunno that girl's intentions, but if I were to reveal it to my friend, she would practically forbid it, but she would expect me not to react that way to her other male friend.

I'm just confused, and my feelings of wait are making me wonder if I'm in love as I said.

Inloveguy

My feeling is that you are romantically attracted to her - so it's like falling in love without wanting anything sexual. My other feeling is that she is very selfish - and doesn't love you. She needs you. She needs you to be there for her, to make her feel special, but she isn't in love with you. Unless she's asexual herself, sexual women don't tend to keep a guy hanging around indefinitely without even a kiss.... So, if she's sexual (chances are it's highly likely) she's insecure and needs to be worshipped by two adoring men, while offering no committment in return. I'll be honest - I don't like the sound of her. You're likely to get hurt here.