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Being Demiromantic


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#1 HD Ready

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Posted 09 January 2009 - 12:27 PM

Hi guys I seem to recall a very vague topic of conversation over what a couple of us "coined" as being Demiromantic. I'm working on an article atm about it and how I "label" my asexuality in regards to being demi romantic.

The general understanding I got and I can't remember if others agreed was. A lack of romantic attraction, desire or need for an intimate or physical nature (aromanticism) With the ability to develop feelings (romantic attraction) for someone ONLY after getting to know them well enough and getting to understand them as a person, usually built out of an initial very close friendship.

I was wondering if any of you other guys and girls felt the same.... and if so can we get something up on the wiki :P

#2 Jibun

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Posted 09 January 2009 - 01:01 PM

Yeah, I'm pretty much demiromantic. Or at least some form of grey-aromantic. Your short definition seems to make sense to me at least.

If we're going to write something for the wiki, perhaps we should write it as a section within a larger article on grey-aromantic?

#3 metalgirl2045

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Posted 09 January 2009 - 01:10 PM

For me, sexual and romantic attraction are very closely linked, one without the other pretty much never happens. I'm a little confused as to exactly what I am at the moment, but I did seem to be very much demisexual and thus demiromantic.

#4 Maxx1128

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Posted 09 January 2009 - 08:12 PM

I've always felt like I've had some impaired romantic attraction, so I know I'm somewhere in the Grey-Aromantic area. I'm not entirely sure what demiromance is, but I think it's possible I could be that way.
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#5 DavidG

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Posted 10 January 2009 - 04:35 PM

That sounds about right for me. I can imagine myself enjoying a relationship, but I don't really have any intention of trying to find one.
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#6 santanico

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Posted 10 January 2009 - 05:42 PM

I'm demiromantic too. Your definition is excellent, you definitely should put that on the wiki! :cake: :cake: :cake: This will help people who are confused with all these labels a lot. Unlike Jibun I think we should create an extra article.


The general understanding I got and I can't remember if others agreed was. A lack of romantic attraction, desire or need for an intimate or physical nature (aromanticism) With the ability to develop feelings (romantic attraction) for someone ONLY after getting to know them well enough and getting to understand them as a person, usually built out of an initial very close friendship.



#7 HD Ready

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Posted 11 January 2009 - 09:51 AM

Well if any of you guys are interested. I'm currently writing an article about me and my perspective from being demi heteromantic. When it's done if anyone is interested I might email it around to get some feedback as it's for a book that's being put together :)

#8 Jibun

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Posted 11 January 2009 - 10:54 AM

I'm demiromantic too. Your definition is excellent, you definitely should put that on the wiki! :cake: :cake: :cake: This will help people who are confused with all these labels a lot. Unlike Jibun I think we should create an extra article.


The general understanding I got and I can't remember if others agreed was. A lack of romantic attraction, desire or need for an intimate or physical nature (aromanticism) With the ability to develop feelings (romantic attraction) for someone ONLY after getting to know them well enough and getting to understand them as a person, usually built out of an initial very close friendship.


Yeah, I've changed my mind, it'd be far better to have demiromantic in its own article.

Well if any of you guys are interested. I'm currently writing an article about me and my perspective from being demi heteromantic. When it's done if anyone is interested I might email it around to get some feedback as it's for a book that's being put together :)


That'd be great. :)

#9 toujours

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Posted 28 April 2009 - 01:46 AM

Well if any of you guys are interested. I'm currently writing an article about me and my perspective from being demi heteromantic. When it's done if anyone is interested I might email it around to get some feedback as it's for a book that's being put together :)


Whatever happened to this discussion? I can't find any article on demiromantics... I think I might be one too.

#10 chipmunkgirl

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Posted 28 April 2009 - 01:52 AM

Well if any of you guys are interested. I'm currently writing an article about me and my perspective from being demi heteromantic. When it's done if anyone is interested I might email it around to get some feedback as it's for a book that's being put together :)


Whatever happened to this discussion? I can't find any article on demiromantics... I think I might be one too.


I would like to see an article on demiromantics too.
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#11 you*hear*but*do*you*listen

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Posted 28 April 2009 - 04:52 AM

I find myself wondering how one could develop a romantic attraction WITHOUT a preexisting emotional connection, asexual or no. I mean, demisexuals experience sexual attraction based on an emotional connection (secondary sexual attraction) instead of experiencing sexual attraction based on physical attractiveness or charisma (primary sexual attraction). Similarly it seems like a demiromantic would develop a romantic attraction based on a close friendship or other emotional connection (secondary romantic attraction?) rather than experiencing romantic attraction based on one or two encounters (primary romantic attraction?). But this "primary romantic attraction" here doesn't seem plausible; I feel like only the so-called "secondary romantic attraction" could really happen, since how can any romantic attraction develop without a preexisting other connection? Demiromantics, how is the romantic attraction you experience any different from the romantic attraction experienced by a "full" romantic? And how does being demisexual make one demiromantic by extension?
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#12 metalgirl2045

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Posted 28 April 2009 - 11:47 AM

Has anyone been on this forum who says they're demisexual but not demiromantic? No-one knows for sure how human sexuality works, but if all or most demisexuals we know of are also demiromantic, it would indicate a link.

I think the difference between demiromantic and full romantic is just how long it takes to be attracted to someone. Is it possible for an asexual romantic to be romantically attracted on the first meeting with someone, or on the grounds of appearance alone? For a demiromantic it probably wouldn't be.

#13 ExPostFacto

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Posted 28 April 2009 - 05:34 PM

Has anyone been on this forum who says they're demisexual but not demiromantic? No-one knows for sure how human sexuality works, but if all or most demisexuals we know of are also demiromantic, it would indicate a link.

I think the difference between demiromantic and full romantic is just how long it takes to be attracted to someone. Is it possible for an asexual romantic to be romantically attracted on the first meeting with someone, or on the grounds of appearance alone? For a demiromantic it probably wouldn't be.

I think I'm demi-romantic, I used to think I was a normal romantic but after some unfortunate events I realized I was deceiving myself trying to fit in social norms. And I'd love to read the article.

#14 Sibylla-Vana

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Posted 02 May 2009 - 07:13 AM

I find myself wondering how one could develop a romantic attraction WITHOUT a preexisting emotional connection, asexual or no. I mean, demisexuals experience sexual attraction based on an emotional connection (secondary sexual attraction) instead of experiencing sexual attraction based on physical attractiveness or charisma (primary sexual attraction). Similarly it seems like a demiromantic would develop a romantic attraction based on a close friendship or other emotional connection (secondary romantic attraction?) rather than experiencing romantic attraction based on one or two encounters (primary romantic attraction?). But this "primary romantic attraction" here doesn't seem plausible; I feel like only the so-called "secondary romantic attraction" could really happen, since how can any romantic attraction develop without a preexisting other connection? Demiromantics, how is the romantic attraction you experience any different from the romantic attraction experienced by a "full" romantic? And how does being demisexual make one demiromantic by extension?


I agree. What it is defined as "demiromantic" here just sounds the same as plain old regular "romantic". I see the whole "love at first sight" deal as due to sexual attraction, I really don't think you can be romantically attracted to someone solely based on their appearance whether you are sexual or not.. I have to get to know someone before I am romantically attracted to them and I have never considered that strange or even all that different from how sexuals would view romantic attraction.
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#15 metalgirl2045

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Posted 02 May 2009 - 07:19 AM

Maybe the lack of interest in finding partners is closer to the essence of demiromanticism.

#16 Marvin

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Posted 02 May 2009 - 08:32 AM

Maybe the lack of interest in finding partners is closer to the essence of demiromanticism.

That was the way I was beginning to see it. I took it to mean that someone who's demiromantic usually has no interest in finding a partner(s), and no desire to actively hunt them, but will occasionally find themselves wanting such a relationship with people they already know, probably as friends. The question of how long you need to know someone before you can become romantically attracted to them is irrelevant to the definition then.

#17 Jazmin

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Posted 02 May 2009 - 08:37 AM

That's me in a nutshell :)

I don't feel the desire to actively get to know people, so that I may develop feelings, and then date them. The only romantic feelings I've felt have arisen from knowing someone a really long time. In that case, that friendship was already there.

#18 sammy123

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Posted 02 May 2009 - 09:51 AM

That's me in a nutshell :)

I don't feel the desire to actively get to know people, so that I may develop feelings, and then date them. The only romantic feelings I've felt have arisen from knowing someone a really long time. In that case, that friendship was already there.


It's a strange case with me. I like others to be romantic with me, but never feel like doing the vice versa. I want to be loved and cuddled immensely. But the fantasy is fine-in reality getting in close contact with someone so nauseating. I dont even feel like hugging during New Year or Christmas eve. But the thought of someone wanting to do romance with me excites me,I feel like a doministic slut and enjoy the idea of being close to someone. But, deep from my heart, i never feel like making company or desiring physical contact. My mind loves to think of romance only in fantasies.This could also be an attribute of demiromanticism although there could be a wide spectrum in this domain of asexuality too.

#19 you*hear*but*do*you*listen

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Posted 02 May 2009 - 05:29 PM

So...would one be demiromantic if one did not experience romantic attraction without actually being in a romantic relationsip?
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#20 toujours

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Posted 02 May 2009 - 05:45 PM

That was the way I was beginning to see it. I took it to mean that someone who's demiromantic usually has no interest in finding a partner(s), and no desire to actively hunt them, but will occasionally find themselves wanting such a relationship with people they already know, probably as friends. The question of how long you need to know someone before you can become romantically attracted to them is irrelevant to the definition then.


That is exactly how I feel. I usually find myself wanting relationships when I least expect it (i.e. when I fall in love). I never seek that state. It comes with anxiety and usually with dissapointment. And I am usually very happy being alone.

But I know a lot of people who actively seek relaitonships, no matter with whom, precisely in hopes of falling in love (and they eventually do, time being irrelevant). I also know people who are romatically interested in somebdoy from the moment they meet the person (maybe not falling in love right away, but maybe feeling sexually attracted or whatever other reason). I can aesthetically appreciate somebody when I first see them, but not to the point of wanting a date.

In this similar post, I wonder about two different things that could define aromanticism:

1. You only fall in love with people that are already emotionally close to you.
2. You only want a relationship with people you are in love with.

If we consider No. 1, then maybe yes, demiromaticism is not different from "full" romanticism. But if we consider No. 2, then there IS a difference between demiromantics and full romantics.

But as somebody said, definitions are too sctrict to hold our large diversity. That's why I'd love an article. Think we should start writing, shouldn't we?

#21 Marvin

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Posted 02 May 2009 - 05:54 PM

So...would one be demiromantic if one did not experience romantic attraction without actually being in a romantic relationsip?

From what I can tell, yes, though that's a slightly more specific case.

It seems, to me at least (since this is what best fits me), that it means having no interest in the idea of a 'relationship' unless you've already found someone you'd want one with. Be that a friend or someone you're already in such a relationship with (which may, under certain circumstances, happen despite a lack of initial drive to start one).

To an extent I'm not sure if such a definition is really necessary, but given the number of people around seemingly desperate to find any relationship, I suppose it is.

#22 toujours

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Posted 02 May 2009 - 06:04 PM

So...would one be demiromantic if one did not experience romantic attraction without actually being in a romantic relationsip?

Actually, for me, being in a relationship or not is irrelevant to the definition of demiromanticism. Just like having sex is irrelevant to the definition of asexuality (the old "you don't know until you've tried" stuff).

I have never been in a relationship, yet I define myself as demiromantic. There are a lot of people that are in relationships that are not romantically attracted to their partners, yet they're full romantics or full sexuals.

For me it's more about how you feel/what you want, rather than if you're with somebody or not.

#23 Glyn

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Posted 02 May 2009 - 08:44 PM

Please correct me if I have misunderstood. Demiromanticism involves wanting to pursue a relationship after you have gotten to know them as friends, but doesn't actively seek out a romantic relation on the whole.

I've always been the kind of guy who has fallen in love with someone (OMG have I or what!), but never wanted to pursue a relationship. I'm sure there must be others who are like this. How would this fit into the scheme of things?

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#24 AVENCakes

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Posted 02 May 2009 - 09:13 PM

I think most asexuals/demisexuals/nonsexuals are demiromantic as well. I'd imagine crushes are based partly on sexual attraction, and the romantic attraction develops after you know the person better- but I'm sure it's possible to develop a romantic attraction based on just seeing hte person. I've sort of done that... ?

#25 toujours

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Posted 03 May 2009 - 12:20 AM

Please correct me if I have misunderstood. Demiromanticism involves wanting to pursue a relationship after you have gotten to know them as friends, but doesn't actively seek out a romantic relation on the whole.

I've always been the kind of guy who has fallen in love with someone (OMG have I or what!), but never wanted to pursue a relationship. I'm sure there must be others who are like this. How would this fit into the scheme of things?


Hi Glyn. I've come to the conclusion that there are as many different flavors of sexuality and romanticism as there are us. Everything I've written here is mostly what I've experienced, but my intention posting it is not to impose any definition, but to read the experience and/or opinions of others, so I enrich my understianding on the experience of other asexuals. Maybe I'm the only one feeling the way I do, maybe I'm not, and that's why I love posting and reading posts.

After reading your post I am considering new aspect of what could constitute demiromanticism. Personally, I always seek a relationship if I'm in love, otherwise I don't. I can't conceive not wanting a relationship when in love, because all those feelings have to go somewhere, but that is just me. So, I can't tell you if you fit in the definition (there is none) or not, that's something to ask to yourself, but I know your experience is different than mine, and that is very valuable to the understaning of our differences. And that is cool. :)

#26 metalgirl2045

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Posted 03 May 2009 - 01:22 PM

Whether or not I'm in a relationship with the person makes no difference to my romantic attraction to someone. Specifying what your situation with the person must be is not orientation, whether it's actually in a relationship or even a close friendship. You just have to have gained enough information about them, which in the case of a demi is quite a lot. The problem is, how much is "a lot" and where do you draw the line between demi (sexual or romantic) and normal? It may not be a continuous spectrum and have a huge void in between as there was definitely something far more unusual about my sexuality than even if I'd been gay, despite being technically hetero. It was basically not possible to get into any relationship, this only bothered me due to particular named people. And it bothered me a LOT because I could really fall in love with people who weren't interested in the way that most people only can with a long-term partner. So actually I was pretty much the opposite to you*hear's description.

#27 Glyn

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Posted 03 May 2009 - 08:43 PM

Please correct me if I have misunderstood. Demiromanticism involves wanting to pursue a relationship after you have gotten to know them as friends, but doesn't actively seek out a romantic relation on the whole.

I've always been the kind of guy who has fallen in love with someone (OMG have I or what!), but never wanted to pursue a relationship. I'm sure there must be others who are like this. How would this fit into the scheme of things?


Hi Glyn. I've come to the conclusion that there are as many different flavors of sexuality and romanticism as there are us. Everything I've written here is mostly what I've experienced, but my intention posting it is not to impose any definition, but to read the experience and/or opinions of others, so I enrich my understianding on the experience of other asexuals. Maybe I'm the only one feeling the way I do, maybe I'm not, and that's why I love posting and reading posts.

After reading your post I am considering new aspect of what could constitute demiromanticism. Personally, I always seek a relationship if I'm in love, otherwise I don't. I can't conceive not wanting a relationship when in love, because all those feelings have to go somewhere, but that is just me. So, I can't tell you if you fit in the definition (there is none) or not, that's something to ask to yourself, but I know your experience is different than mine, and that is very valuable to the understaning of our differences. And that is cool. :)


Thanks, Toujours, for getting back to me on this. Your thoughts on this are valuable to me. It's one of my hopes throughout my life to understand who I am as a person and what makes me me. I've found that posting here and reading people's posts has gone a long way to understanding who I am, and knowing that I am not alone in feeling the way that I do. It is one of the many reasons why I feel I owe a debt of gratitude to everyone here for being so kind to me.

I am personally aware that certain events from my childhood have influenced my own outlook on relationships. I imagine that I may be more open to a relationship if some things hadn't happened, but we can't change the past! However, I posted with the hope of getting other people's perspectives and finding out how I fit in with the scheme of things, and your perspective on this is greatly appreciated! :D

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#28 chipmunkgirl

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Posted 04 May 2009 - 12:26 AM

Please correct me if I have misunderstood. Demiromanticism involves wanting to pursue a relationship after you have gotten to know them as friends, but doesn't actively seek out a romantic relation on the whole.

I've always been the kind of guy who has fallen in love with someone (OMG have I or what!), but never wanted to pursue a relationship. I'm sure there must be others who are like this. How would this fit into the scheme of things?


I think it's two sides to the same coin and both are valid definitions... whichever a given person identifies with. Just like aromanticism can be defined either as experiencing no romantic attraction OR not being interested in having a relationship. How someone defines demi-romanticism is going to depend on how they define aromanticism.
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Posted 04 May 2009 - 02:20 AM

I find myself wondering how one could develop a romantic attraction WITHOUT a preexisting emotional connection, asexual or no. I mean, demisexuals experience sexual attraction based on an emotional connection (secondary sexual attraction) instead of experiencing sexual attraction based on physical attractiveness or charisma (primary sexual attraction). Similarly it seems like a demiromantic would develop a romantic attraction based on a close friendship or other emotional connection (secondary romantic attraction?) rather than experiencing romantic attraction based on one or two encounters (primary romantic attraction?). But this "primary romantic attraction" here doesn't seem plausible; I feel like only the so-called "secondary romantic attraction" could really happen, since how can any romantic attraction develop without a preexisting other connection? Demiromantics, how is the romantic attraction you experience any different from the romantic attraction experienced by a "full" romantic? And how does being demisexual make one demiromantic by extension?


I agree. What it is defined as "demiromantic" here just sounds the same as plain old regular "romantic". I see the whole "love at first sight" deal as due to sexual attraction, I really don't think you can be romantically attracted to someone solely based on their appearance whether you are sexual or not.. I have to get to know someone before I am romantically attracted to them and I have never considered that strange or even all that different from how sexuals would view romantic attraction.


This is exactly what I was thinking as I was reading this thread...

Maybe the lack of interest in finding partners is closer to the essence of demiromanticism.

That was the way I was beginning to see it. I took it to mean that someone who's demiromantic usually has no interest in finding a partner(s), and no desire to actively hunt them, but will occasionally find themselves wanting such a relationship with people they already know, probably as friends. The question of how long you need to know someone before you can become romantically attracted to them is irrelevant to the definition then.


Yes, it is beginning to make sense now, I see what you are getting at.
I have trouble deciding if I am really romantic (being as I never actively seek romance, or see it a significant lacking thing) but know I can have at least quasi-romantic feeling for specific people once I get to know them (I still get very confused about this, when is it just a vibe and when it is really significant- am I just trying to force stuff to happen because there seems a vague possibility and it would (practically at least on the baby front) make life easier to be in a couple. This line of thought generally ends in me thinking Im either aromantic or that I must have intimacy issues are making me broken.
I always had a bit of a 'what are you getting into with this relationship thing' (like it was a weird unnecessary idea that was adding something I hadnt realised I wanted to my life) but sex used to get me over it... these days friendship just seems enough when I weigh the balance, it never quite tips into being worth the risk of depending too much on anyone (why would you- its irrational).

So Im a demiromantic asexual (previously a demiromantic demisexual)... that actually seems to make sense.

#30 Shockwave

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Posted 04 May 2009 - 06:40 AM

I agree. What it is defined as "demiromantic" here just sounds the same as plain old regular "romantic". I see the whole "love at first sight" deal as due to sexual attraction, I really don't think you can be romantically attracted to someone solely based on their appearance whether you are sexual or not.. I have to get to know someone before I am romantically attracted to them and I have never considered that strange or even all that different from how sexuals would view romantic attraction.

I've experienced romantic attraction based solely on looks several* times in my life so...love at first site happens to us asexuals too.

*possibly hundreds of times.




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