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Dating an Asexual

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#1 diggerre



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Posted 13 December 2008 - 04:18 AM

Hey there,

Let me take a moment to apologize to those who are reading this who may be offended by my over-sharing of detail. I understand that this forum is for individuals who are mostly, if not completely, uninterested in sexual activity. My details may be offensive to some of you, but I am looking for more insight into what my boyfriend might be thinking and how I can go about about maintaining a healthy relationship with him. Please understand that the information I have included is necessary in order for you to get a better idea of my situation.

I am a young gay man who has been dating an asexual man for the past 6 months. We have been getting along very well and have had quite a fulfilling relationship so far. He is exactly what I've been looking for in a boyfriend and there is nothing that I would ever want to change about him.

I was aware of his "asexuality" or "lack of desire to have sex" before we started dating, and I was willing to forego certain sexual acts with him in order to be in a relationship. This was a hard decision for me because I am very sexually attracted to him, but was worth it because the emotional relationship is so fulfilling. This did not mean, however, that there has been no sexual activity between us. He considers himself a "pseudo-asexual", or one who maintains a sex drive but lacks the desire to have actual intercourse. We are able to mutually masturbate, but that seems to be the extent of our sexual activity.

For the most part, I have been satisfied with the amount of sexual activity that we have. I completely respect his sexuality and love him so much that I would never be able to overstep any boundaries with him. However, recently my sex drive has been getting the better of me and I have been craving something more from him.

He has told me many times that he has genuine feelings for me and can see us being together for years. He wants to make me happy and is willing to do a lot for me. The problem is that I have never been with a man who doesn't show his love and affection through intercourse. I am still having difficulties understanding his sexuality and how I can deal with his lack of desire to have actual intercourse.

I care about this man very deeply, more than I have ever cared about anyone else. I have told him many times that I would never base our relationship off the fact that he doesn't desire to have sex. I need some advice as to what my boyfriend might be thinking, and how I might be able to better deal with his sexuality. I don't want my sexuality to get in the way of the very fulfilling relationship that we have because he really is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. Any help that you can give would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

#2 Sally


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Posted 13 December 2008 - 04:38 AM

:cake: :cake: :cake: ! Any kind you like.

Maybe I shouldn't be answering this because I'm a hetero female -- but I'm not sure why I said that, because I'm asexual so I can give you at least one opinion from that perspective.

When you said, "I need some advice as to what my boyfriend might be thinking" and "I am still having difficulties understanding his sexuality", I heard what often definitely-sexual people say when they are puzzled by the at-least-semi-asexuality of someone they are with. That's the desire to figure out the thinking of the asexual and really understand why the asexual is that way.

You may not be able to do that, and you may be able to reconcile yourself with that impossibility. I don't think anyone can truly understand someone else's thinking; often we can hardly understand their own. Even less can we understand *why* someone is the way they are. (Ourselves, also.) But what you can do is simply accept him as he appears to be. If he says and shows that he does not like a certain type of sexual activity, believe it and accept it -- don't try to understand it or expect him to explain it to you. It would probably be difficult for you to explain why you enjoy sexual intercourse -- you just *do*. Likewise, he may not.

As an asexual, I see the sexual's need to understand (and I've had two long-term relationships with sexuals, including one marriage) as the need to have me be different, because it would make the relationship a lot easier. And indeed it would. But it would also be easier for the asexual if the sexual were different.

Good luck -- more :cake:
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#3 Sally


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Posted 13 December 2008 - 04:43 AM

By the way, you have this posted on FOUR different threads -- that gets a little confusing to everyone.
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#4 X Phoenix X

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Posted 13 December 2008 - 04:59 AM

I am also not sure what kind of insight I can add, but I just wanted to say that his lack of desire to have sex has nothing to do with you. It's all about his orientation. I hope you can accept this and work out an arrangement with him, it sounds like you already have a great foundation for your relationship. Just maintain open honest communication. Welcome to AVEN. I hope you find the information here helpful. :cake:
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#5 diggerre



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Posted 13 December 2008 - 04:59 AM

I apologize for my over-enthusiasm. I figured that the more forums I posted in, the more responses I would get. Is there any way that I can delete my posts from the other three threads?

I understand where you are going with your response. I have tried to simply accept the fact that he will never be interested in actual intercourse, yet I still find myself confused because it is such a foreign concept. It is something that I will definitely need to work on if I intend to be respectful of his sexuality.

Thanks so much for you response.

#6 vashsunglasses



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Posted 13 December 2008 - 05:09 AM


I think that in the end it's all very simple. If you truly love him then you will have to master your desire for sex. I know that's a daring statement in this sex crazed world of ours but there it is. If you force him he won't be happy, and if you leave him it's possible that you will never find another person like him. When you find something beautiful in this world you have to fight for it, even if it means fighting yourself. It seems like sex and love are bound up in your mind. Perhaps some soul searching is in order?

Now as for what he is thinking... this is only a guess mind you. I think he is ecstatic to find someone who will be with him without trying to get him to have sex. It is very difficult to be an asexual in this world because people are always pushing you to have sex. When you come out as asexual people generally roll their eyes and tell you that you'll change your mind once you find the right person. There is a blanket assumption out there that everyone is sexual, and if they think they aren't then they are wrong or repressing or damaged. Imagine that people were constantly trying to get you to sleep with women... That's how asexuals feel all the time.

Oh, and don't worry about the details. You didn't say anything inappropriate. Just because we are asexual doesn't mean we are prudes. ^_^

#7 Fixxer



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Posted 13 December 2008 - 05:18 AM

As a homoromantic I can sympathize with your relationship. I was the asexual in a gay relationship for 6 years. If your significant other is willing to do things such as mutual masturbation with you; then that means that is where his comfort level is when it comes to being sexual. The best thing you can do is respect that limitation and know that it is not there to "punish" you, but rather there to comfort you to the "most" sexual degree your partner is comfortable with.

I understand that you would like to do more sexually and am glad you came here to ask your questions. Communication is key to discovering how asexual/sexual your boyfriend wishes to be with you. Do not be ashamed to talk openly and honestly with him regarding sex. BUT.... Please remember that your boyfriend is not sexual, you knew that going into the relationship, and that demanding/complaining about sex or asking him to go beyond his comfort level will not help the situation.

What this boils down to is after you guys have discussed your sexuality and his asexuality; you have to ask yourself the following question:

Do I truly love him enough to have limitations placed on our sex life? Do I love him enough not to pressure him to do more than he is comfortable with? Do I love him enough and receive enough love asexually to not seek out sex from others behind his back? If you can honestly answer YES to these questions then through love, trust, and communication you will have a solid base for a strong relationship.

If you answer NO to any of those questions; I would suggest sitting down and discussing that with your boyfriend. Even though you may love him more than anyone you ever have before that does not mean that you are meant to be a couple. If he cannot provide you with what you feel you need in a relationship, and you can't provide him with what he needs... maybe best friends is something you should consider. Everyone needs a friend who loves them, respects them, and will stand by them through the ups and downs of life.

This is just my opinion; I'm not saying it is right for you, but I know it is what I would want from a boyfriend if he were having the same questions/issues.
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#8 sonofzeal


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Posted 13 December 2008 - 05:45 AM

I'll let the other mods know, it should get resolved shortly. In the mean time, this appears to be the most-used, so let's try to keep all posts in this one.
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#9 diggerre



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Posted 13 December 2008 - 06:09 AM

I can't even begin to tell you how helpful what you just said is. I am very grateful that there is such a supportive online community where these questions can be asked and answered. Thank you so much!

#10 jakubcookies


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Posted 13 December 2008 - 07:35 AM

The problem is that I have never been with a man who doesn't show his love and affection through intercourse. I have told him many times that I would never base our relationship off the fact that he doesn't desire to have sex.

#11 Amcan


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Posted 14 December 2008 - 08:30 PM

I hope you can work things out.
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#12 Mach7


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Posted 21 June 2010 - 10:31 PM


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