Incredibly Ace Moments

[nerdperson777]

So Thursday was the Trans Day of Remembrance. On Wednesday night, I told my friend that I would be wearing my GaymerX (a convention) shirt to support. I also said that I could say it and no one can tell it has other meanings. The next day, I asked if she wanted to hear a new word (ace) that has another meaning. She said it better not be something innocent like rabbit. :lol:

She had a conversation with me about half an hour ago which somehow led to me saying that I don't feel love. She thought it was attributed to the way my parents treated me my entire life and was a mental condition. Finally I told her that it had to do with the word ace I told her the other day. Turns out that she knew about it because a friend wrote an essay on it and has been trying to bring awareness of it. My friend really does understand me. :) Probably not the best time to tell her that my squish is on her. Also she defiled my room with excessive use of the word love so I must somehow get rid of that stench.

That got me thinking, I differentiate care and love because I care but I do not love. I can have close friends, which is platonic love but that's all. One of my reasons for care is that I think it's the right thing to do and I think a person that I know well deserves a good friendship. Anyone have a thought on this?

[JohnSC]

Clicking "random page" on TVTropes, I came across a trope called "The Chikan" (TMI warning)

Me: Awww, that's a cute name. I wonder what it is?

(reads description)

Me: ...oh god.

I haven't used the random page button since.

Interesting and a not too surprising problem. I feel bad for all who have to put up with such behavior.

Yeah. I remember having a vague idea that sexual harrassment was more of a problem in Japan, but I didn't realise how bad it was until I read that page. The worst part is the way they're treated makes it seem like they're a common nuisance, like litterers or something, rather than people who should by rights be on a sex offender's register.

I find it bizarre that they post warning signs. If I was a woman I'd be thinking "So what am I supposed to do about it?". Other than wear underwear studded with nails

That sounds most, uhm, uncomfortable. :o :P

ermm... I think the nails should be pointing out... not in :-)

Yes, but imagine accidentally running your hands over it, or your clothes continuously catching on the spikes. It sounds so awkward!

Well, there's this...

It's sad that people have to come up with these solutions and utterly appealing what happened to those girls.

I wouldn't want anyone wearing one of those bras to bump into me though!

Perhaps if the material used was abrasive on the exterior considering that physically touch is required.

I propose sandpaper or materials similar to scouring pads as they would be more flexible.

Perhaps maybe cotton undergarments should have glue applied on the outside and then sprayed with sand.

[Hobbes!]

This is one of the reasons I hated the Shenzhen metro system. Having a chinese girl thrust into me by the crush of people always made me feel unchivalrous despite it not being my fault.

Or to put it another way "Oh no, got boob and really didn't mean to

[Cideg]

I recently turned 21, and one of the things that has always concerned me is how I would act after consuming alcohol. Particularly, I was slightly afraid that a latent sexuality would sprout after a few drinks, especially given the... hyper-sexuality (in loose terms) of my direct male ancestry. While I haven't gotten to a point where I would be considered drunk (nor do I have any desire to do so), I have noticed a slight mental effect from the alcohol the few times I've actually been drinking.

Anyways, to my great pleasure and relief, I somehow manage to become more ace after drinking. I can't quite put into words how this works, but I definitely notice having a stronger feeling of my asexuality after a drink or two. Interestingly enough, I also feel more aromantic in these situations. I may need to do more testing under different circumstances to confirm, but this has been an insightful and reassuring response so far.

[kechara]

So Thursday was the Trans Day of Remembrance. On Wednesday night, I told my friend that I would be wearing my GaymerX (a convention) shirt to support. I also said that I could say it and no one can tell it has other meanings. The next day, I asked if she wanted to hear a new word (ace) that has another meaning. She said it better not be something innocent like rabbit. :lol:

She had a conversation with me about half an hour ago which somehow led to me saying that I don't feel love. She thought it was attributed to the way my parents treated me my entire life and was a mental condition. Finally I told her that it had to do with the word ace I told her the other day. Turns out that she knew about it because a friend wrote an essay on it and has been trying to bring awareness of it. My friend really does understand me. :) Probably not the best time to tell her that my squish is on her. Also she defiled my room with excessive use of the word love so I must somehow get rid of that stench.

That got me thinking, I differentiate care and love because I care but I do not love. I can have close friends, which is platonic love but that's all. One of my reasons for care is that I think it's the right thing to do and I think a person that I know well deserves a good friendship. Anyone have a thought on this?

Part of the problem is defining love and acts of love. Some people consider holding hands "too romantic" for them, but still have squishes. I still define "romanticism" as the emotional attraction or the desire to have an emotional bond with someone, not as any physical thing. (There are people that do not desire this bond (or that desire fades for a reason), and sexuality as anything above the physically platonic level. I used to think (before this site) that without sex, there is no love.) Platonic, to me, just means non-sexual physical things - holding hands, things that friends (sans benefits) do. I'm still figuring it out, but by that current definition, I'm still a romantic asexual, even though I wouldn't really say that I "love" the person - I'd say that I liked hanging out with them a whole lot. I have some friends that I'm closer to than others (and if I had to choose going to do something with one over another, in some cases, it's an easy choice), as opposed to all of them being equal. However, it does mean that the label above is frustratingly meaningless because we all define it differently... You can't say "romantic asexual," even within the 'romantic asexual' community and not have to quantify the term because there's no standard definition.

That said, the only reason I asked a friend out a couple years ago, is literally only because I'm tired of losing my close friends to other girlfriends/boyfriends. Suddenly they just disappear and I barely hear from them again - and the bond fades. (I think that particular situation hurts as much as it does, is because I'm such an introvert that I don't have a million friends, so I am just pathetically missing the friendship we had. I don't have multiple groups of friends to easily 'take their place.')

In any case, I can and have had multiple friends and multiple close friends, but the only reason I'd want a "boyfriend" is to "not lose the close bond" in the eventual and inevitable relationship they will find down the road.

As an aside, I also think that part of my internal confusion stems from the fact that I will never physically touch people other than my SO - because I'm tired of so much as talking to someone and being accused of leading them on, let alone touching them. (Has nothing to do with romanticism or anything other than cold logic, same as the "asking someone out" above. If the previous experiences were not there, I'd probably be a more touchy person.) But as much as I want physical (platonic) touch, it can't be from somewhere I can't see it coming because I just panic (long childhood story). That generally translates to other people as "don't touch this," even when I tell them (usually before or as I meet them) that I can't handle being grabbed or poked from behind.

[kechara]

Oh, what I was actually going to post -

Ace moment:

A friend of mine (I don't know if she's on AVEN, but is ace) said that she would switch a control so that she can play a game one-handed.

Not one person went to the "and what are you doing with the other hand, HMMM??!" territory!

(Spoiler: She later commented that she would play while eating when someone called her lazy. :P)

[nerdperson777]

So Thursday was the Trans Day of Remembrance. On Wednesday night, I told my friend that I would be wearing my GaymerX (a convention) shirt to support. I also said that I could say it and no one can tell it has other meanings. The next day, I asked if she wanted to hear a new word (ace) that has another meaning. She said it better not be something innocent like rabbit. :lol:

She had a conversation with me about half an hour ago which somehow led to me saying that I don't feel love. She thought it was attributed to the way my parents treated me my entire life and was a mental condition. Finally I told her that it had to do with the word ace I told her the other day. Turns out that she knew about it because a friend wrote an essay on it and has been trying to bring awareness of it. My friend really does understand me. :) Probably not the best time to tell her that my squish is on her. Also she defiled my room with excessive use of the word love so I must somehow get rid of that stench.

That got me thinking, I differentiate care and love because I care but I do not love. I can have close friends, which is platonic love but that's all. One of my reasons for care is that I think it's the right thing to do and I think a person that I know well deserves a good friendship. Anyone have a thought on this?

Part of the problem is defining love and acts of love. Some people consider holding hands "too romantic" for them, but still have squishes. I still define "romanticism" as the emotional attraction or the desire to have an emotional bond with someone, not as any physical thing. (There are people that do not desire this bond (or that desire fades for a reason), and sexuality as anything above the physically platonic level. I used to think (before this site) that without sex, there is no love.) Platonic, to me, just means non-sexual physical things - holding hands, things that friends (sans benefits) do. I'm still figuring it out, but by that current definition, I'm still a romantic asexual, even though I wouldn't really say that I "love" the person - I'd say that I liked hanging out with them a whole lot. I have some friends that I'm closer to than others (and if I had to choose going to do something with one over another, in some cases, it's an easy choice), as opposed to all of them being equal. However, it does mean that the label above is frustratingly meaningless because we all define it differently... You can't say "romantic asexual," even within the 'romantic asexual' community and not have to quantify the term because there's no standard definition.

That said, the only reason I asked a friend out a couple years ago, is literally only because I'm tired of losing my close friends to other girlfriends/boyfriends. Suddenly they just disappear and I barely hear from them again - and the bond fades. (I think that particular situation hurts as much as it does, is because I'm such an introvert that I don't have a million friends, so I am just pathetically missing the friendship we had. I don't have multiple groups of friends to easily 'take their place.')

In any case, I can and have had multiple friends and multiple close friends, but the only reason I'd want a "boyfriend" is to "not lose the close bond" in the eventual and inevitable relationship they will find down the road.

As an aside, I also think that part of my internal confusion stems from the fact that I will never physically touch people other than my SO - because I'm tired of so much as talking to someone and being accused of leading them on, let alone touching them. (Has nothing to do with romanticism or anything other than cold logic, same as the "asking someone out" above. If the previous experiences were not there, I'd probably be a more touchy person.) But as much as I want physical (platonic) touch, it can't be from somewhere I can't see it coming because I just panic (long childhood story). That generally translates to other people as "don't touch this," even when I tell them (usually before or as I meet them) that I can't handle being grabbed or poked from behind.

I guess I see what you mean. One reason why I don't want to be in a relationship is that I'm very pessimistic. I like to have friends, but I don't like to lose them. I feel that it's easier to lose a relationship friend than a normal friend because the stakes are higher when I prefer stability. I think anyone holding my hand(s) is/are awkward. The most intimate thing I would ever do is a hug. And even then it's just me putting my arms there. All I ever want is people to care about me. I don't really need to be smothered by hugs and kisses (not that I really had any at home, I wonder if that's why). I agree in quality over quantity in friendship. I rather go to a gathering of a hundred people making good relations with two of them than making small talk with twenty of them. And at one moment in time, I can only have one friend. I can't handle equally having fun with more than one. Even with my close group of friends of 3, I'm closer to one over the other since we do more together.

My childhood may have to do with my view since I distrust the world until proven correct. I can't deal with touching other people, no matter how close I am with someone. As a result, I'm really paranoid and ticklish. Those pokes are so annoying. I'm glad my friends don't try to poke me even though they know the truth.

[brightberry]

My IAM: After assuming nothing is an innuendo, I overcompensate and assume everything is an innuendo. Stupid brain

[deltaX]

My IAM: After assuming nothing is an innuendo, I overcompensate and assume everything is an innuendo. Stupid brain

I do this too sometimes. I have no idea what the right amount of innuendo is.

[JohnSC]

My IAM: After assuming nothing is an innuendo, I overcompensate and assume everything is an innuendo. Stupid brain

I do this too sometimes. I have no idea what the right amount of innuendo is.

Ya, I get something similar in dealing with innuendos, sometimes I will become robotic and approach things purely with rational logic, ignoring the emotions.

And then to balance myself again, I will try to be more "soft" in my approaches and end up overly sensitive.

[nerdperson777]

My IAM: After assuming nothing is an innuendo, I overcompensate and assume everything is an innuendo. Stupid brain

I do this too sometimes. I have no idea what the right amount of innuendo is.

Ya, I get something similar in dealing with innuendos, sometimes I will become robotic and approach things purely with rational logic, ignoring the emotions.

And then to balance myself again, I will try to be more "soft" in my approaches and end up overly sensitive.

Sometimes I'm too robotic and sometimes too soft also. When I was exiting class with these two new friends I made there, one put her arm around my shoulder and I asked what she was doing. She said it was a hug but I said, but then we both can't fit through the door that we were going out of. We actually did make it out the door but my backpack slid against the side of the door.

[Bardofthe90s]

I laugh at dirty jokes and whatever (Cards Against Humanity, I love you), and I'd laugh when my buddies would talk about banging celebrities or whatever. But it wasn't until very recently I figured out that they PROBABLY weren't joking. :T

[kechara]

My IAM: After assuming nothing is an innuendo, I overcompensate and assume everything is an innuendo. Stupid brain

Guilty.

I laugh at dirty jokes and whatever (Cards Against Humanity, I love you)

I'm either horrifically bad or really good at that game, depending on how the group is going... lol

(I hold back a lot if they aren't doing anything with innuendos, but if they are... watch out! xD)

[EmotionalAndroid]

So an acquaintance of mine who is from China just asked me what the American custom is for paying for meals on dates (i.e does the boy friend pay, or is the price split). I have never been on a date in my life, and I don't really know. I couldn't really give her an answer and it was rather awkward.

[fuzzipueo]

So an acquaintance of mine who is from China just asked me what the American custom is for paying for meals on dates (i.e does the boy friend pay, or is the price split). I have never been on a date in my life, and I don't really know. I couldn't really give her an answer and it was rather awkward.

Generally it's the boyfriend, as the one who asks if his date would like to go out. These days, though, I think it's more a case of whoever asks the other person out first.

[kechara]

So an acquaintance of mine who is from China just asked me what the American custom is for paying for meals on dates (i.e does the boy friend pay, or is the price split). I have never been on a date in my life, and I don't really know. I couldn't really give her an answer and it was rather awkward.

Generally it's the boyfriend, as the one who asks if his date would like to go out. These days, though, I think it's more a case of whoever asks the other person out first.

Also depends on comfort and "vibe". I've heard plenty of scary stories where the man pays (as the asker), and then expects something "in return", if you catch my drift. Personally, I will always at least ask to split the check, regardless of situation. I don't like "owing" anyone anything, nor being accused of free-loading...

[Deleted Person]

While in town today a gypsy stopped me and tried to get me to buy her heather charms. She was telling me (fortune teller style) that I was going to have a wedding and be happy and was very pretty etc. etc. and would I like to buy a charm to make it happened sooner? All I could think was I'd be more interested in buying a charm to guard me against that. Being happy would be fine and all, but I'm really not interested in the getting married part. :D (There's nothing wrong with it, but I personally don't see the point for me, unless I had a partner who really wanted it or for the financial benefits.)

[Zash]

So an acquaintance of mine who is from China just asked me what the American custom is for paying for meals on dates (i.e does the boy friend pay, or is the price split). I have never been on a date in my life, and I don't really know. I couldn't really give her an answer and it was rather awkward.

My sister works on yachts, and she is in Hong Kong from time to time. She says there, the guys always pay in the restaurant, even when it is the crew going for dinner. The restaurant will ask the men if they are going to split the bill, but, won't let the women pay. So, they usually just have one person pay, then everyone pays that person their share. It is easier than trying to have the women pay at the restaurant itself.

I think the American custom is to assume the guy is going to pay, but split the bill if the woman wants (even if the woman was the one who asked the guy out on the date). My personal opinion is that it should be the person asking should assume they are going to pay, until the other offers to pay half.

[marki]

I feel like everyone should pay their own way. I'm not made of money....the whole men should pay thing is sexist and out dated. Pleanty of girls are making fat dollars and I'd never expect them to pay my way......

[Kurbs]

I feel like everyone should pay their own way. I'm not made of money....the whole men should pay thing is sexist and out dated. Pleanty of girls are making fat dollars and I'd never expect them to pay my way......

I think part of the expectation of paying is also based on who chose the location. Where I'm from at least, you could be getting a meal from anywhere between 2 and 40 bucks. Especially if the other person doesn't know the place, it's rude to expect them to be able to budget properly...

[deltaX]

I feel like everyone should pay their own way. I'm not made of money....the whole men should pay thing is sexist and out dated. Pleanty of girls are making fat dollars and I'd never expect them to pay my way......

I agree with this. During the brief time I dated I hated being paid for all the time. I had a lot of savings from basically having a full-time job my freshman year of college, while the guy had barely any extra spending money. Logically I should have been the one to pay, or should have at least split the bill, but every time I offered he got all defensive and insisted on paying because he was the guy. I don't know if he felt un-masculine being unable to pay, or if he was trying to be romantic or what, but it really bothered me. I hate being indebted to people, especially over stupid things like a dinner I could have easily bought myself.

[Moon Ace]

I think there's a lot of pressure from society on men paying for both when out on a date. Going dutch or having the date partner pay is still very much seen as rude and not very gallant.

[Deleted Person]

I always find it awkward, even in friend settings (where there shouldn't be the expectation of a 'debt'). I just dislike wondering if I'm expected to pay or not, how I can ask without offending someone, or how strongly I should insist I'd like to pay without coming off as rude while also not looking like I'm agreeing too quickly either. I don't want people to think I'm taking advantage of them! I hate spending half the time wondering what's happening with the bill instead of just enjoying the company! Ugh, half the time I'd rather just avoid it and decline all invitations... which just makes me look unfriendly instead. x.x

[kechara]

I always find it awkward, even in friend settings (where there shouldn't be the expectation of a 'debt'). I just dislike wondering if I'm expected to pay or not, how I can ask without offending someone, or how strongly I should insist I'd like to pay without coming off as rude while also not looking like I'm agreeing too quickly either. I don't want people to think I'm taking advantage of them! I hate spending half the time wondering what's happening with the bill instead of just enjoying the company! Ugh, half the time I'd rather just avoid it and decline all invitations... which just makes me look unfriendly instead. x.x

I generally get around this with friends by going for my wallet regardless of situation. I will always offer to pay my way, and if they say "no, I got it," I generally follow up with "are you sure?" Granted, I dunno if anyone would go "oops, changed my mind," but it makes me feel more secure that it's actually "okay" as opposed to taking advantage. Most of the time, the "are you sure" has a response of "yeah, you drove us around all day" or something. (At which point, I can say thank you and leave it at that.)

i hate being rude, so that was the best I've come up with so far... (Other suggestions welcome!) It's not quite a "ritual," but at least I know what's coming, which puts my mind at ease and I can enjoy the company instead of worrying about the end of the night. (I used to do the exact same thing you describe.)

[deltaX]

I always find it awkward, even in friend settings (where there shouldn't be the expectation of a 'debt'). I just dislike wondering if I'm expected to pay or not, how I can ask without offending someone, or how strongly I should insist I'd like to pay without coming off as rude while also not looking like I'm agreeing too quickly either. I don't want people to think I'm taking advantage of them! I hate spending half the time wondering what's happening with the bill instead of just enjoying the company! Ugh, half the time I'd rather just avoid it and decline all invitations... which just makes me look unfriendly instead. x.x

Most of my friends have decided we would split the bill when we go out, unless one of us is without money (in which case we'd split the cost of their meal). It's only be dating for me where things got weird, but I do agree it was incredibly awkward waiting to see if you would be able to pay or not.

[Honey_Badger]

I always find it awkward, even in friend settings (where there shouldn't be the expectation of a 'debt'). I just dislike wondering if I'm expected to pay or not, how I can ask without offending someone, or how strongly I should insist I'd like to pay without coming off as rude while also not looking like I'm agreeing too quickly either. I don't want people to think I'm taking advantage of them! I hate spending half the time wondering what's happening with the bill instead of just enjoying the company! Ugh, half the time I'd rather just avoid it and decline all invitations... which just makes me look unfriendly instead. x.x

Most of my friends have decided we would split the bill when we go out, unless one of us is without money (in which case we'd split the cost of their meal). It's only be dating for me where things got weird, but I do agree it was incredibly awkward waiting to see if you would be able to pay or not.

Well, when I was in college it depended on who had cash. (And whether one person owed the other pizza money, laundry money, a meal because they lost their meal card, etc.) Of course, we were usually out in a larger group than two and we usually settled for fast food. :D

[Raine14]

The ace nightmare:

So I have this female friend who has like 5 older brothers. Of them, 2 are married and 1 has decided to go into the priesthood. That leaves 2 others, and for some inexplicable reason, my friend's parents have pegged me as a good match. For either. They don't care which one. And it's less flattering than I would usually take it because this family is very Catholic. Meaning that they expect individuals to a) get married or b) enter into a religious order. They are also resolute believers in natural family planning. And they expect lots and lots of grandchildren.

This past weekend, I received my eighth invitation for a proposed date through my very amused mother and cried: "No! No! I don't care how well he rumbas, I will not have that many children! Why does their 30 year old son need to get married anyway? He can be perfectly happy single, thank you very much!"

Translation (since I haven't come out to my mother yet): "No! No! I don't care how much we have in common, I will not have sex that many times! Why do they think I, a 24 year old graduate student, need to get married anyway? I can be perfectly happy single, thank you very much!"

Gah . . . I need some cake.

[Qwerty]

Well, I had an ace moment when I carefully outed myself to an older couple that I'm very close to. Over dinner I told a joke that I got "from an asexual discussion forum online." They were immediately like "Yes, we think one of our nieces is asexual."

They live in San Francisco, so they are aware of many non-binary issues, but I was surprised that I didn't have to trot out the official asexual definition and explain myself. Yay!

[deltaX]

The ace nightmare:

So I have this female friend who has like 5 older brothers. Of them, 2 are married and 1 has decided to go into the priesthood. That leaves 2 others, and for some inexplicable reason, my friend's parents have pegged me as a good match. For either. They don't care which one. And it's less flattering than I would usually take it because this family is very Catholic. Meaning that they expect individuals to a) get married or b) enter into a religious order. They are also resolute believers in natural family planning. And they expect lots and lots of grandchildren.

This past weekend, I received my eighth invitation for a proposed date through my very amused mother and cried: "No! No! I don't care how well he rumbas, I will not have that many children! Why does their 30 year old son need to get married anyway? He can be perfectly happy single, thank you very much!"

Translation (since I haven't come out to my mother yet): "No! No! I don't care how much we have in common, I will not have sex that many times! Why do they think I, a 24 year old graduate student, need to get married anyway? I can be perfectly happy single, thank you very much!"

Gah . . . I need some cake.

I find it very annoying when people try to pair up two people who don't want to be pair up like that. Even if you weren't ace, you might not be romantically compatible with your friend's brother, and its kind of unrealistic to expect you guys to fall in love just because you're friends with his sister.

[AceOfWords]

When my female colleagues started talking about romance, I did my default action and started reading stories on my phone and one of my co-workers said, "And there she goes again - zoning out when it's about romance and love life." LOL

Another maybe ace moment was when I took Kerry Ellis' rock version of Defying Gravity as the soundtrack of my life, having moved on from Go the Distance by Michael Bolton. The lyrics, "And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free" tickled me crazy and I can never not rock to this jam.

Also, EVERY TIME I see a story where there just has to be sexual tension between the protagonist and someone else. Can't the movie proceed without it? Apparently not! When I saw the Tekken movie, I was so frustrated that there was a scene where Jin Kazama did it with a girl at the first part of the film. It wasn't even an important part of the story! And then the novels where the protagonist solves a case and has to team up with a sometimes mysterious, always sexy partner.

My friends once said that the sex scene in the film Australia was the most boring and unexciting one they have ever scene. I was shocked because I don't focus on sex scenes no matter how crucial they are to the film, but the one in Australia between Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman was my favorite simply because it didn't show a wrestling match. It showed, for me anyway, love - without the really specific, blow-by-blow, courtside view.