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My Life as an Asexual - Toby Van Buren


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http://www.mainchance.org/bignews/read/june2002/asexual.html

2013 Mod Edit: The above link doesn't work anymore, but the content can be found here. For future reference:

My life as an Asexual

By Toby Van Buren

All my life I've led a rather peculiar sex life, asexual, if you will, but I most certainly have looked at boys as much as girls, and no--I am not bisexual, any more or less than I am gay! Sound strange? I've got to fit in somewhere, right? Not necessarily; I am most definitely my own person!

I was born into a normal American family, so it seemed at the time anyway, a boy with an older brother. I may not have been born in a normal time, however. I lived in a small New Jersey town called Radburn/Fairlawn. We were coming out of the Depression and about to enter World War Two, a sort of twilight era in-between night and day, or day and night, if you will.

What made me turn out the way I am? Who's to blame, if you will? My goodness, did I turn out so bad? And who's point of view should take precedence? No matter, I am me, and I cannot be anyone else but me, though I have certainly gone through many role models, pretending to be someone else, and when I did I modeled myself mainly after female figures.

I was the second male child, far from the first and privileged, a son, so is it not unreasonable to assume that my parents wanted a daughter the second time around, seven to eight years since they'd had their first child? There were no sonograms in the '30s for parents to know the sex of their child, so I came out the way I did, no abortion to prevent it! Too bad; today it can be done--is done!

So, with all the roles I've played and represented in my life, being known in the early '70s as The Queen of Drake Avenue, New Rochelle, by the police, no less, and as Marilyn as of 1962 when I reacted to the death of my favorite female movie star by suddenly singing Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend, Heatwave, and Kiss. Furthermore, I bleached my hair blonde long before it was accepted for men (now, they are doing it canary yellow, Easter purple, fire red, St. Patrick's Kelly green, but no assuming they're gay about it!) It's even all right now for men to carry bags and wear earrings!

Was I born ahead of my time? Yes, I reacted to Marilyn Monroe's death in many ways, to the point where I sort of became her. With the sexual identity crisis I was going through in life, learning about someone else's identity crisis certainly helped. I became so intrigued by this woman's personal life, her early childhood of many homes--it was somewhat like my own experience. I was not much a fan of hers as far as her movies were concerned, not until she made The Misfits, when I knew it was more about her real person.

I remember at the age of twelve putting on my stepmother's wedding dress and make-up. I had a friend from school with me; we played husband and wife. Well, this particular day, my stepmom came home early from work, not feeling very well; fate would have it that way! The very worst situation to be in for me! Well, you can imagine what a shock it was to her, and to my dad when he heard about it later that evening! That was the only time my dad ever took the strap to me, and I know he wasn't happy about it, just so damned concerned I'd be a queer!

I guess there was real concern as we went to what I was told were "family physicals" for all of us by a New York doctor. I learned later that it was arranged for me to be examined by a psychiatrist! I was no fool. I knew it was more than a routine physical! I played along with the "game," and rather enjoyed it, for once feeling as though I were someone important! A few years later, around 1959, I'd gone to see another psychiatrist, recommended to me by my regular doctor who'd told me "You'll never have many friends."

I managed to come to terms with "being gay" with this British doctor, even though I wasn't. I had to identify with something, with some people, and, believe it or not, I got along socially better with gay people than straight people, until I was tempted to go the distance, if you know what I mean. I had to put the brakes on and sort of hold back, being content to just being sociable with the gay crowd. I got very involved in gay rights issues--as indeed I'd been very much a victim of discrimination for being perceived gay! I made many friends, two or three real close gay friends, but friends they were only, never sexual partners!

The next summer, 1953, I was sent away to camp, with the hopes that I'd get some good old American Boy life! It was hell, I'll tell you, and the other boys on the train on the way up to Vermont knew I was different. They pounded on me in the upper berth of the sleeper we were on, throwing soggy wet tuna fish sandwiches and half-consumed cans of soda at me. I was told they did that to all the camp newcomers. Well, I did not notice the other new kids getting all that! All summer, I did my best to avoid group contact, but that's what camp is all about, isn't it?

Whenever there were special trips into the mountains, Canada or what-have-you, I always volunteered to go so as to escape the regimen of camp life, and I really enjoyed those rare outings! Picture Quentin Crisp (another asexual?) at a summer boys' camp; he'd camp all right!

Through the years I got all kinds of labels of "queer," "faggot," "'mo," and so on. There were even sayings about me on the bathroom walls, that I did this, did that, if you want a b'job, see so-and-so! That made me so mad, so furious! I never was involved in any kind of homosexual act, never involved in any kind of heterosexual act either! Like I said, I am asexual, but certainly I wondered about myself all the while: Who was I? Why was I not this way or that way? Why did I not belong? What was missing? Sure I kind of toyed with many gay and straight fantasies in life! I made the best of it! It went no further than that, never involving physical relationships with others! Believe it or not, I was a very moral person, very much so! I had a strong conscience, which I have always listened to!

Hated women? Is that what you think, being the way I am? Hardly! I have always admired women, loved women, so very much, indeed! Yet, I never could go so far as to have sex with a woman; I had too much respect for them as individuals, not as sex objects! Well, then, it had to be the boys, the men, right? Not them either! I was very confused in my feelings sexually, not that I did not have erections--I've had plenty, but now I have hardly any, and I am not concerned about it either, and I know it is not because of age--I'm 62--but rather because I must have self-control when it comes to urges of the flesh (and it is not fear of God either). Yet, they were always during moments of fantasy, by myself, never with anyone. I am a true virgin, actually.

I have always loved dressing up as women, putting on wigs, dresses, make-up, etc. But my doing so did not imply a particular sexual interest. I may have behaved in a certain way to be accepted and entertaining. I said many things that were lies to be accepted by the gay community, by the straight community as well. Now I am tired of lying; at this age, I just want to let it all hang out, what I was, what I am.

Like someone in a similar situation--Quentin Crisp--I've come to realize it matters most to be oneself--whether male or female, it matters not. I have all these fantasies of being Marlene Dietrich, Marilyn Monroe, Betty Grable, Bette Davis, but sometimes I also feel I'm Frank Sinatra, Fred Astaire, Glenn Miller, my own dad, mother, etc. We are all male and female. After all, we came from male and female. Basically, we have a dominance of one sex, a basic physical identity, that tells us we're male or female, but within, we're a mixture, and some of us may be a little more male or female than female or male, more so of either as far as our character goes, our tastes and appreciations. I believe Quentin Crisp was more of a character than a sex object, as that is what I feel I am.

Never before in my life have I accepted who I am more than I do now, in my 60s. Even in my 50s I had the old problems, to the point of even disaster, as when I turned 56, I'd become homeless, penniless! I'd reached what I thought was the very end of my life, giving up, letting everything go, but you know what came out of all that? Discovery, finding myself, who I truly am.

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First, I'm sure Sacred had that already (you know him :D).

In seriousness, despite his poor mechanics, it's an interesting read. Thanks.

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Live R Perfect

You're probably right Davey, but I didn't find it when I searched the AVEN archives!

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I was just kidding - but it does seem like he's got everything on the web with the letter 'e' in it! Which reminds me:

"This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching! You probably won't, at first, find anything particularly odd or unusual or in any way dissimilar to any ordinary composition. That is not at all surprising, for it is no strain to accomplish in so short a paragraph a stunt similar to that which an author did throughout all of his book, without spoiling a good writing job, and it was no small book at that. By studying this paragraph assiduously, you will shortly, I trust, know what is its distinguishing oddity. Upon locating that "mark of distinction," you will probably doubt my story of this author and his book of similar unusuality throughout. It is commonly known among book-conscious folk and proof of it is still around. If you must know, this sort of writing is known as a lipogram, but don't look up that word in any dictionary until you find out what this is all about. "

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I like that story, Liver.

Good one, Underscore. It took me a minute to figure it out.

I have heard about that book though.

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Live R Perfect

:lol: Love your avatar, Xenius!

You lookin' at me?! :shock:

Edit: So there's a whole book like that, Davey?? Whats it called?

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Unscrupulously swiped from http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Farm/7478/unusualp.htm .

Remaining text: The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the text of the long paragraph. Nor did the letter "e" appear even once among the over 50,000 words of text in the novel "Gadsby: Champion of Youth" by Ernest Vincent Wright.

From the Encyclopedia Britanica: lipogram - a written text deliberately composed of words not having a certain letter (such as the "Odyssey of Tryphiodorus", which had no alpha in the first book, no beta in the second, and so on).

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Live R Perfect
Nor did the letter "e" appear even once among the over 50,000 words of text in the novel "Gadsby: Champion of Youth" by Ernest Vincent Wright.

Except for in the Author's name! :lol: Thanks Davey, I'll have to check that out...

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Deja vu ...

This article is in one of the links at the top of the page. I thought it looked familiar.

'Sure wish there was some way to contact this guy if he's still around. What a wealth of knowledge and experience he must have by now ...

-Greybird

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VivreEstEsperer

Interesting article, indeed. That guy likes to use exclamation marks.

What's this about Quentin Crisp that he keeps mentioning?

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Live R Perfect
This article is in one of the links at the top of the page. I thought it looked familiar.

Dammit! :evil: I think I'll leave this job to the professional (Sacred!) :wink:

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