Dating Sites

[Frigid Pink]

It's like video/meeting makes things too real for some people.

It's a great way to weed out those who probably aren't interested in a serious romantic relationship and, unfortunately, most free online dating sites probably attract and have more people on there who are only interested in casual interactions.

I still wouldn't let what the majority of people are interested in deter me as I'm actually in a serious romantic relationship with someone I met on an online dating site. It's possible to find someone compatible, although maybe not as easy depending on individual preferences and how common they are with the general population and also with the specific population of people at any given online dating site or general location.

[funnyhousemate]

... It's possible to find someone compatible, although maybe not as easy depending on individual preferences and how common they are with the general population and also with the specific population of people at any given online dating site or general location.

Absolutely! The core reason why online doesn't work for me is that women don't look for women, and if they do they want more a lover than an affectionate friend. In that respect, only aces could feel some affinity with that, but aces are few and far apart. So in the end I think it's something that, if ever, will only develop from getting to know someone in real life.

[Sage Raven Domino]

So can I ask you all 2 questions?

Is it common for people to look at a potential dates Facebook/twitter/blogs/ internet profiles before dating them?

I've been shocked at my friends because they were googling people and looking at all that type of stuff before they would go out with someone. To me that seems really creepy and stalkerish but I've had many men and women tell me that is something they do and it seems to be the norm.

Common? Yes. Right? I'd say no.

That's another facet of today's dating that I really don't like. It shouldn't be normal to creep on people like that. I feel like it's a bad start to a possible relationship. That activity seems based more on trust issues and insecurities than anything IMHO.

I'd love to be creeped on - it's better than nothing. Moreover, I'm quite careful about the personal info that I leave on the web (and sometimes leave detailed descriptions of myself to be read by potential stalkers); actually, I have many identities (one in each community, no socks) that hardly intersect. It's rather difficult to learn 100% about me by googling. Even my relatives don't know me by 70%+. But the thing is that I don't think that a QPR requires total trust, especially if it's polyamorous. Even if total trust is required, it can be built up gradually.

I believe that 'creeping' is far not only my problem. People are so insecure nowadays that, if you don't allow them to be slow at opening up, you won't get action at all. It doesn't mean that your relationships will be bad; just you'll get fewer dates per year, but the success probability per date will be higher because you and the date will have each other figured out to a better extent beforehand.

I'm afraid that the pace of special dating sites is too fast for me. I hate being rejected so often.

Compare it to marketing. You could spam every woman of your neighbourhood with coupons for pregnancy tests, but this would only annoy the vast majority of them. What smart supermarkets do is that they analyse shopping habits deeply and know who's pregnant even before those women know it themselves. Yes, some regard it as violation of privacy, but such sharply targeted marketing is more mutually effective than random spam.

[Mulan]

So can I ask you all 2 questions?

Is it common for people to look at a potential dates Facebook/twitter/blogs/ internet profiles before dating them?

I've been shocked at my friends because they were googling people and looking at all that type of stuff before they would go out with someone. To me that seems really creepy and stalkerish but I've had many men and women tell me that is something they do and it seems to be the norm.

Common? Yes. Right? I'd say no.

That's another facet of today's dating that I really don't like. It shouldn't be normal to creep on people like that. I feel like it's a bad start to a possible relationship. That activity seems based more on trust issues and insecurities than anything IMHO.

If I were to date a guy from Internet, I'd Google him too. Not with the intention of stalking him but knowing more about him if we're compatible... Probably the topics for discussion (so that the dates do not become awkward), etc. I'd take this as research and making the effort on a potential relationship.

[Sage Raven Domino]

Not with the intention of stalking him but knowing more about him if we're compatible... Probably the topics for discussion (so that the dates do not become awkward), etc. I'd take this as research and making the effort on a potential relationship.

These are my intentions too, but some people still regard this as 'stalking' :(

But personally you can save time and not research me, it's useless.

[Ricecream-man]

So can I ask you all 2 questions?

Is it common for people to look at a potential dates Facebook/twitter/blogs/ internet profiles before dating them?

I've been shocked at my friends because they were googling people and looking at all that type of stuff before they would go out with someone. To me that seems really creepy and stalkerish but I've had many men and women tell me that is something they do and it seems to be the norm.

Common? Yes. Right? I'd say no.

That's another facet of today's dating that I really don't like. It shouldn't be normal to creep on people like that. I feel like it's a bad start to a possible relationship. That activity seems based more on trust issues and insecurities than anything IMHO.

If I were to date a guy from Internet, I'd Google him too. Not with the intention of stalking him but knowing more about him if we're compatible... Probably the topics for discussion (so that the dates do not become awkward), etc. I'd take this as research and making the effort on a potential relationship.

I don't know. I understand where you're coming from but I would much rather ask for a blog or a Facebook from that person directly. While things like that are public it can still feel like an invasion of privacy.

[Sage Raven Domino]

Isn't there a ton of privacy settings (for different types of viewers - friends, registered, lurkers) on Facebook? I used to be on vk.com (the Russian clone of FB; I'm on no other social network so far), and I've heard that vk's advanced privacy settings were made in the FB spirit.

[Mulan]

I don't know. I understand where you're coming from but I would much rather ask for a blog or a Facebook from that person directly. While things like that are public it can still feel like an invasion of privacy.

If they have made the information public, it means they want you to find out. I suppose they want to weed out incompatible choices too. If I get into/ hack their personal email account, without their consent, that would be invasion of privacy, I think.

[Sage Raven Domino]

My counselor specifically warned me not to go through OLD sites. Why? First of all, she's the one who told me I'm asexual, and in most cases people who use those expect sex. Secondly, her concern was that, yes I love myself a lot more than I ever have, and I've done amazing work on myself, but still have emotional issues to work on before I'd be ready for a relationship. What she said was "When you are ready, the right woman will come into your life. You're trying too hard." I'm just glad I'm making lots of progress on that front :-)

As for the "You must love yourself before anyone else loves you," what that's saying, in my opinion, is you can't, on an emotional level, expect a partner to complete you/bring you happiness. If you're waiting for that, you'll always end up being unhappy once the initial euphoria wears off, and what's more you'll probably blame the other person. The fact is any really good relationship is 95% a close, sincere friendship --- it's not fundamentally different, just has some different interactions, but if you have very close friends, it's strongly similar.

That is where romantic movies REALLY do people a huge disservice. They love to show two people with major issues who magically Make Each Other Whole and Complete. When the truth is NOBODY can complete you, but you. But that doesn't make a fun narrative so it doesn't get into the movies.

So those of us who are single and looking, just do the work on being happy, complete individuals first. Change the narrative in your head that judges you or expects you to wait to be truly happy until you have a partner. You have that power, I promise. Nobody else does.

That's pure gold, I need to internalise it deeply :)

However, I wonder why you'd ever need a partner after you've become successful and 'whole'. Is it because of cuddle lust, or because of perfectionism (you want to become better even when you're already accomplished, and you think that getting into a relationship is a life quality improvement), or are there other rational incentives that I don't understand, or is the romantic drive primarily irrational even in aces?

I've always thought that 'becoming whole' is the sole purpose of romantic relationships; also, I thought before discovering AVEN that all aces are aro; the idea of marriage with neither children nor sex intended is new to me.

(Nudge me to make a new thread if you feel that it's a long topic; I'm just too lazy/sleepy to write an opening wall of text right now.)

[Mulan]

My counselor specifically warned me not to go through OLD sites. Why? First of all, she's the one who told me I'm asexual, and in most cases people who use those expect sex. Secondly, her concern was that, yes I love myself a lot more than I ever have, and I've done amazing work on myself, but still have emotional issues to work on before I'd be ready for a relationship. What she said was "When you are ready, the right woman will come into your life. You're trying too hard." I'm just glad I'm making lots of progress on that front :-)

As for the "You must love yourself before anyone else loves you," what that's saying, in my opinion, is you can't, on an emotional level, expect a partner to complete you/bring you happiness. If you're waiting for that, you'll always end up being unhappy once the initial euphoria wears off, and what's more you'll probably blame the other person. The fact is any really good relationship is 95% a close, sincere friendship --- it's not fundamentally different, just has some different interactions, but if you have very close friends, it's strongly similar.

That is where romantic movies REALLY do people a huge disservice. They love to show two people with major issues who magically Make Each Other Whole and Complete. When the truth is NOBODY can complete you, but you. But that doesn't make a fun narrative so it doesn't get into the movies.

So those of us who are single and looking, just do the work on being happy, complete individuals first. Change the narrative in your head that judges you or expects you to wait to be truly happy until you have a partner. You have that power, I promise. Nobody else does.

That's pure gold, I need to internalise it deeply :)

However, I wonder why you'd ever need a partner after you've become successful and 'whole'. Is it because of cuddle lust, or because of perfectionism (you want to become better even when you're already accomplished, and you think that getting into a relationship is a life quality improvement), or are there other rational incentives that I don't understand, or is the romantic drive primarily irrational even in aces?

I've always thought that 'becoming whole' is the sole purpose of romantic relationships; also, I thought before discovering AVEN that all aces are aro; the idea of marriage with neither children nor sex intended is new to me.

(Nudge me to make a new thread if you feel that it's a long topic; I'm just too lazy/sleepy to write an opening wall of text right now.)

The terms "successful" and "whole" are perceptive and changes the definition from one individual to other. Moreover, people are "heart-wants-more-success" kinds... Any success is just not enough because once a certain goal is attainEd, people start looking to reach another goal and repeat till eternity. Well, this is not bad because it helps people to progress.

At the end of the day, we are social beings. We need to communicate, love, share, help, etc others and seek the same in return. These are the reasons why we need/want people (partners, families, friends and other reference groups).

Becoming whole is a concept I have no clue about. Quotes like " you complete me" from Jerry Macguire...are things that sound real romantic but hey, get real! One has to do that for own self... and you'll be happy about it too rather than clinging to somebody because youre incomplete. It may take some time to love and believe in yourself... But it's worth it.

[Sage Raven Domino]

Thanks to both whitesphere and Mulan for the contribution To avoid derailing, let's continue the discussion in this thread.

[DigitalBookDust]

I had a profile on a popular dating site for a little while. I was looking to find some to DATE-to go out to dinner with, to go to the theater with, to meet for coffee, etc. I went to a great deal of trouble not to write a generic profile, to present myself as a unique and interesting and flawed being, and even used a pic that showed me reading (the ONLY pic I ever saw on there that featured a book!). I ended up taking it down, because it became clear that the main point of the site were physical relationships. Now, I would not be necessarily adverse to entering into another relationship, but there would be clear boundaries, and she would have to respect them. But, given that I can't even find anyone around to even date, the chances of meeting anyone are infinitesimally slim.

[SorryNotSorry]

I've been reading posts to this thread for months, and I think the problem is that most of us are thinking with our hearts instead of our heads.

I think about lonely asexuals who try to break into OLD to meet someone who's right for them, and I think their efforts are misguided. Why are asexuals trying to meet sexuals???

It's generally understood on dating sites that putting up a profile is the first step in a lead-up to sex. Right? Sex is the final prize (or maybe parenthood is), but in my case, it's a prize I don't want to win because it would be of no use to me.

So... what if you do meet someone you think you'll really like on one of the dating sites---only when it comes time to talk about what both of you want in a relationship, your libidos are very mismatched, you both have very different opinions on parenthood, etc etc? How will you feel then?

As asexuals trying to meet someone through mainstream OLD (whether it's serious or casual), we're between a rock and a hard place. Asexuality isn't out of the closet to the point where one asexual OLDS is the go-to thing that everyone has heard of. OTOH by trying to find someone through non-asexual sites, we're trying to be something we're not.

More of us need to stop thinking with our hearts and start thinking with our heads first. If it makes you feel any better, even the numbers of people showing up at singles & dating meetups is down. Speed dating is a superfluous game, a lot of lonely people are tired of the bar scene, and any joker with a couple of stolen photos can post a fake profile on an OLDS.

I think what needs to happen is for OLDSs to require people to show up in person before being allowed to post a profile, and penalize them for inaction. As for meetups, they need to stop doing speed dating and other silly games, and gravitate to something like 12-member roundtables in which all the attendees voice their relationship needs.

Of course, I don't expect many people to agree with me... because the old games are the best, right?

[Sage Raven Domino]

Well put! I like the verification idea theoretically :D but am afraid that it will be too expensive to implement; how much would you pay as a user for such a feature, and how many people would be ready pay at all?

What band-aid approach to dating would you propose to those aces who're living in the current era of invisibility?

[SorryNotSorry]

Well put! I like the verification idea theoretically :D but am afraid that it will be too expensive to implement; how much would you pay as a user for such a feature, and how many people would be ready pay at all?

What band-aid approach to dating would you propose to those aces who're living in the current era of invisibility?

They'd have to be willing to bite the bullet and join/start groups of romantic aces, or forever hold their peace and hope they get lucky doing mainstream OLD.

As far as the in-person verification thing being too expensive, Meetup has partially solved that. Organizers can conduct meetups in their homes if they wish (I've done so with a chess club and a writers' group). Gone are the days when video dating services charged 4-digit fees for suckers clients to show up to be taped at some expensive office suite. Again, those who wouldn't want to go to the meetups, must forever hold their peace, or try their luck elsewhere.

[Sage Raven Domino]

Well, I can go to online meetups because I'm at a sucky place where there are too few aces and where I wouldn't want to settle longterm anyway (have rejected one presumably boring female ace on the Russian alt-lang and never returned).

Actually, thinking about verification, I think that a combination of - 1) a member taking a clear photo of themselves holding a passport, 2) the dating partner taking a photo of that member during the date if they mismatch the profile - would be quite cheap (require only a few extra people in the customer support to check the photos).

[SorryNotSorry]

As for me, once I start hosting meetups for my group, they will probably take the form of 12-member roundtables discussing their relationship needs. TTBOMK no dating/singles group has done anything exactly like that yet here.

[Sage Raven Domino]

The problem with small groups is that too few candidates are viewed per year. And if you're gonna split people into tables randomly, it's not clear how such matches are gonna be more compatible that in old methods.

I'd use a sort of multistep system, e.g. the first round would be round-robin speed dating with 3-5-minute time control, then each of the members would submit a list of up to 11 members whom they'd like to sit with in the next round, then the seating for the next round would try to reflect their preliminary preferences as close as possible.

[deruloryan]

thank you i tried asexualitic.com ughh talked with some random people they were more like aromantic boring and dont care about relationships

[SorryNotSorry]

The problem with small groups is that too few candidates are viewed per year. And if you're gonna split people into tables randomly, it's not clear how such matches are gonna be more compatible that in old methods.

I'd use a sort of multistep system, e.g. the first round would be round-robin speed dating with 3-5-minute time control, then each of the members would submit a list of up to 11 members whom they'd like to sit with in the next round, then the seating for the next round would try to reflect their preliminary preferences as close as possible.

There ya go, the round-robin thing would probably work too. Although in my roundtable meetups, I'd be taking notes of who's interested in what... maybe Jennifer from roundtable session #1 likes many of the same things Robert from roundtable session #3 likes... "hey, maybe you'd like a chance to meet each other at the next meetup..."

[Autumn Season]

About the verification idea: In Lovoo (dating app) you can verify that you are you by writing a code on a piece of paper, make a selfie with that paper and send it to the support team. It's free.

[SorryNotSorry]

About the verification idea: In Lovoo (dating app) you can verify that you are you by writing a code on a piece of paper, make a selfie with that paper and send it to the support team. It's free.

Something like that can still be faked. It's more work, but it can still be faked.

[Flying Ace]

I've been reading this thread with a lot of interest :)

I'm on OKC. Before that I was on a bunch of dating sites, but that was before I identified as ace.

A friend told me about OKC, I've been on it like a year now.

I've gotten nothing serious off of it, but I did find a couple of neat friends.
I've listed "demi" & "genderfluid" on my profile, so far people respect that, and I found a bunch of aces on there.

But most of them live in the country of Far, Far Away.

[SorryNotSorry]

Have any of you ever lurked the PoF message forums? There are some REALLY clueless/dim-witted people on there. I suspect such folks are playing a large part in ruining the dating scene for the rest of us, asexual or not.

[parent.trap]

There is actually a spot to put "asexual" on OKC. It's just a little harder to find. You know where it asks if you're straight, bi, or gay and you're looking for whatever gender… there is a button for more options … there's trans, queer, asexual, and a bunch of other things…

[SorryNotSorry]

There is actually a spot to put "asexual" on OKC. It's just a little harder to find. You know where it asks if you're straight, bi, or gay and you're looking for whatever gender there is a button for more options there's trans, queer, asexual, and a bunch of other things

Some asexual woman on OKC actually looked up my profile. Didn't seem interested enough in me to message me, and I felt the same way... so no train ticket.

TBH the better my quality of life has gotten, the less interest I have in finding someone to share it with.

[shiftworkzen]

Thank you all for the links and opinions on the differing sites. I have an OKCupid account but even I didn't know I could put Asexual. I just left it as Straight since I enjoy male company more.

Definitely going to edit that and check out Acebook.

[SorryNotSorry]

I'd never actually do this myself, but I've heard of some guys who troll the dating sites and send women messages like "you're fat/ugly/weird. Please do yourself a favor and retire your profile from the site".

WELL DOESN'T THAT MAKE YA FEEL DANDY?!?!?!

[Squirrel Combat]

Well, if they're being honest, then sometimes the truth really hurts.

[Someone Else]

If it's true, then they can just keep their mouths shut. No need to rush around telling strangers that they're ugly. That's malice disguised as honesty.
And often it's a neg hit, where guys try to hit on women by insulting them. Oddly, it supposedly works -- sometimes. I don't understand it either.