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how do u know when its asexual love vs platonic love?

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#1 kiwi b

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Posted 08 May 2008 - 08:07 AM

If I am asexual and I want an intimate relationship without sex, then how does one know the difference between: :unsure: asexual intimate feelings (not wanting sex but wants to be with that one person)


:blink: platonic feelings that might be associated with best friends or sibling kind of love, any strong bond of love?

I ask this because society always challenges me. I have been brainwashed into believing that inimate love has to include sex. If I don't have sexual feelings for that person then I can't possibly love him/her. Here is a short history of experiances to show. :huh:

When I dated, my sex drive was off the chart different. I didn't understand, but I knew I had the ability to love another person intimatly. I married finally and divorced one yr later. We never consumated the marriage. I thought if I married I would get over the idea of not wanting sex. I was wrong. My mind and body does not want sex and I must follow my nature, not force it against its will. As a kid I always fantazised being in a asexull marraige. I never heard of asexual till I was 27 and found this AVEN in April of 2008. I always thought I was making up a life that never existed. kind of like the cartoon show the Smurfs ( u know far fetch ideas) Happy Little blue people in a community of smufs. :wacko:

Anyways. Used to believe that I would make the best wife (if I were not broken). I got the message from society that I was broken and not human.
At the end of a long term relationship, people always asked me, "well, did u ever feel sexual towards him?"
My answer would always be "no" :o

"If I am not going to have sex with this person, then it must be a sibling kind of love which, I must be confusing it with intimate love. " This is how I used to think back when I was dating because this was the message I recieved from society, friends and family. I fight with this everyday. :mellow:

I have experianced intimate feelings without the desire of sex. I know I have the ability to porvide intimate love. It just comes in a different package called asexual love. I have other ways of showing affection towards another person and it doesn't follow the same rules of society. I am asexual and a valuable person just as any sexual partner. :wub:

Does this make me abnormal and not be able to express intimate love? no
Just because I don't want sex and or have a sex drive that appears to be disfunctinable doesn't mean I don't have the ability to love another person intimatly. I just don't want the sex part. :wub: :wub:

So in conclution, how does an asexual know whether his/her feelings for another is intimate asexual feelings or just platomic feelings? How do u know whether u are feelig true love or platonic love when sex is not is not provided as a symbol of intimate love? :ph34r:

I know there are asexual people in similar situations becaseuse I have read them. How do U yes U asexaul deal with these feelings and know for sure what u are feeling is true love vs what society tells u how u ought to be feeling and how it ought to be expressed? :ph34r:

Any one struggling with the definition of LOVE as well? 8)

#2 KickCowChips



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Posted 08 May 2008 - 10:40 AM

They're the same thing. Love is a just a friendship, however one that has gone far beyond typical uses of the word. Romance is simply a display of your affection for that person, through actions or some form of communication.

The differences between love and friendship is just magnitude, and there is no fine line.

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#3 vampyr



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Posted 08 May 2008 - 12:43 PM

i agree with that to some extent. that being in love with someone is based on loving them as a friend.

but when i fell in love with my ex, the love that i had for him was more intense, deeper, different to the love that i have for my friends. just because it wasn't a sexual relationship, it didn't mean we couldn't have intense, intimate moments.

i think it's the sort of thing where it varies from person to person. it just depends on your own perception of love, whether it be platonic or romantic.

#4 Shockwave


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Posted 08 May 2008 - 06:10 PM

To me, there are two real differences between asexual love and platonic love (as you put it). First, one is stronger than the other. Second, in some relationships you want to express your feelings differently.

I tend to look at love in matters of degree rather than types though.
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#5 Sanity Panda

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Posted 08 May 2008 - 07:55 PM

The differences between love and friendship is just magnitude, and there is no fine line.

To this day I wonder if that's true!
We need a poll on these forums :(

#6 ily


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Posted 08 May 2008 - 09:13 PM

I didn't think there was a difference between those 2 things.

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#7 Shinnok


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Posted 09 May 2008 - 12:38 AM

My current struggle that I'm dealing with is what you explained.

When I want to show affection I want to show it intimatley not sexually. To me, sex isn't intimate love it's just filling your bodily urges. But, intimate love like hugging or kissing or whatnot....those are the romantic things I think are very romantic (plus hand holding) Once in a while I get these feelings of just wanting to hug or kiss somebody romantically and show them how I feel about them but being a single asexual I can't do that and I hate having these urges and nowhere to put them. They just stay there and get worse until they just kind of disappear for a while and then they'll come back later. The thing is is that the affection I would show might fall somewhere inbetween the asexual romance and sexual romance. I wouldn't have sex with them but I mean...the things other than hugging and kissing that I like is like (i feel so ashamed to admit this) but like stroking their hair or kissing their neck or something. That would be so nice because in my book I wouldn't consider that "foreplay" or "hinting towards sex" that's not what it would be to me. Omg I wish these feelings would go away they're bugging me like how sexual urges bug a sexual person.

Not to mention any of the things I've mentioned above I haven't even done with a person online or in real life but I know that's what I would want to do.

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#8 GnomeKid



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Posted 24 May 2008 - 04:59 AM

I think there is a difference, because I love a couple of my friends quite a bit, but I love my girlfriend in a different way. Yes, I think she is beautiful, but I can't enjoy the sex. The thought of her being with anyone else, kissing, cuddling, or sexing anyone else makes my blood boil, and yet I don't find myself able to meet her needs[?] as a sexual person.

It's very frustrating. I know my love for her is more intense, and quite different, from my love for my other friends. The two are very different in my book.

#9 pikku


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Posted 24 May 2008 - 05:11 AM

Urgh... If I ever figure it out, I'll let you know...
I thought I was in love with this girl, but I don't really know if its romantic or not... (I was utterly heartbroken upon hearing her tell me she didn't want to be my friend anymore, but one can be heartbroken like I was over romantic or non-romantic love...)
I prefer to just not label love...

#10 evanescence


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Posted 24 May 2008 - 11:31 AM

I was in a brief but intense relationship with a guy who, in retrospect, was probably asexual as well. We went through the motions of being sexual for a while, but it quickly died down. (Oh the irony! Two asexuals feigning sexual interest together.) We were VERY attracted to each other romantically, though, but the relationship eventually ended due to profound differences in culture and stages of life. I was so devastated that I spiralled down into an 18-month depression, including medication and (brief) hospitalization. My love for this guy was WAY different from platonic friendship, though it's difficult to articulate what made it different. It was as romantic and compelling as any sexual love -- it just didn't include a desire to rip his clothes off and have him do me.


#11 Beardless



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Posted 24 May 2008 - 11:39 AM

I "love" my friends, whom I describe as my awesomes. I wish to spend the rest of my life with some of them, which comprise the subset Awesomes. It's a sliding scale.
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#12 Friday



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Posted 24 May 2008 - 12:28 PM

I suppose it's something only you can define for yourself, somethings are too hard to explain, they're too abstract, tell me whats the difference between blue and green? (and don't say yellow :) ).
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#13 Face


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Posted 24 May 2008 - 07:55 PM

If there is a difference for me it would be the primary desire of what you want to do with that person.

Intimate love pulls me toward someone and just cuddling would be the best. Posted Image

Platonic love pulls me outside, wanting to pull the other person with me and to play with them like a child or a cat.
Just like a cat or child though there can be the desire to relax with them on your lap too but it never goes to wanting to cuddle.

The wanting to play bit might be stronger in guys. Generalising a bit but dancing might be the equivalent for girls. Posted Image
I guess platonic love might be more similar for women but I'm just guessing. Am I right girls?

PS: I had to look for that hug smiley. We need that one on Aven
I don't know what it says about the internet but there plenty of fighting smilies and kissing smilies but none that are just friends playing catch or something.

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#14 alwaysdreaming



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Posted 25 May 2008 - 12:15 AM

I wonder the same thing: where is the line?! I'm going to suggest perhaps it's up to the individual to set those boundaries. I know I have much love for my best friend, I remember telling her once that if I had to surive on an island with one other person... it would be her. Now, I picture someone whom I love just as much if not more than her. I found in all of my past relationships with boyfriends I would constantly compare the degree of love I had with her, to them (I later found she did the same thing with hers lol). It was never as much, so she is the bar my significant other must pass. :)

#15 rachel


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Posted 25 May 2008 - 05:33 PM

alwaysdreaming, I have a best friend I feel the same way about.

I'm not entirely sure how to figure out the puzzle of romantic vs. platonic love, either-- although I might be aromatic, so perhaps I'm not a helpful person to ask. I've always felt a fairly overwhelming "crush"-type attraction to close male friends, but any advances from their end disgusted me. I don't want other people to harbor soft, intimate feelings towards me. My ideal would be to find somebody intelligent and down-to-earth who cares about the same things I do and enjoys spending time with me.

I was bewildered growing up, because my friends had such casual relationships and it always seemed wrong to me somehow. I assumed I'd never been in a relationship because I was conservative and wanted a meaningful, long-term emotional attachment rather than the "fling"-type romances I was witnessing. After my first (devastatingly emotional) relationship, I've reevaluated this assessment. What I want can absolutely be termed "close friendship," by sexual people. And I'm still confused, because their is an emotional distinction between what I feel for my friends and what I feel for people I have crushes on, but I don't want romance (or sex) to escalate out of these crushes.

In other words, I'm as confused as you are.

#16 Sanity Panda

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Posted 25 May 2008 - 11:06 PM

To those that answer that their love is different in friendship from romantic.

Would you consider your romantic partner to be your best friend? Do you have any friendship that are almost as intense as your romantic relationship or are they always much much lower?

#17 Chakra



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Posted 27 May 2008 - 12:14 AM

...I have not posted here on ages!

It's quite simple to me, I will explain it with some geeky terms.

Love is caring for someone, being comfortable in his/her company and in general wanting the best to them. There's also affection, which honestly I have basically only for girls (I'm a guy). But it's like "escalating privileges". I will like to hug more my girl friends, not just talk. And there are other privileges, they're done if both people involved are fine with them. A classic is the way to say hi, with a hand shake or a kiss, sometimes with a hug too.

What sexuals call "romantic love" is actually love with the sex plug-in (each privilege may be called a plug-in), but they have unjustly and even to their own unhappyness monopolized love as only sexual. It's sick, I love friends and am fine with talking openly about loving them. But sexuals relate strongly love with sexual and therefore think one that says he/she loves his/her friends is homosexual. This is not healthy, and will ultimately lead to suffering for those holding such ignorant and incorrect perceptions on reality.
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#18 ghosts



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Posted 30 May 2008 - 05:19 PM

I wonder the same thing: where is the line?! I'm going to suggest perhaps it's up to the individual to set those boundaries.

Agreed - I believe that the line or boundary is what you want it to be. It's an individual thing. For some, there might not even be a line.

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