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asexual or unattractive?


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zero desire

In an old Time/Life series of hardbound volumes covering a wide variety of topics, the book covering intelligence noted that most highly intelligent people are also very active in life and very good looking. I'd venture to say that a group of highly intelligent people (such as at AVEN) for the most part are also very good looking. I've always thought clothing is a key to looking good. I am usually more attracted to tomboy-type girls who wear very little makeup.

On a related note, from my limited studies in sex, several authors have said that men with small penis size concerns are often men who are already oversized in that department. The same often applies to anorexic girls who see themselves as fat. It may be that you are already "above average" in the looks department.

It sounds like closer to the subject, you're uncomfortable with the asexual title in your life. Don't stick with something that doesn't work for you.

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People say that I am very pretty, and sometimes I agree, but not always. But even when I am confident and feel good about how I look, guys don't seem to pay any attention to me. I wonder if perhaps I give off an A-ness vibe or something and they can feel that they won't score a home run with me. I have noticed that the people who like me are those that have known me for a while (which narrows it down quite a lot), so maybe my personality is attractive, but not my appearance? Or is it really possible to subconsciously broadcast your orientation or lack of primal needs?

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How do you define the term attractive or good looking ?

I have no idea what these terms mean except from a rough guide based on who others say are attractive.

To me i cannot understand why some types of physical features are consisdered better than others.

Can anyone explain this?

are there other asexuals who don't get this either?

I've said it before on here but in my opion physical apperance is just a way to recognise a personality. I can understand how personalities can be attractive but not looks

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How do you define the term attractive or good looking ?

I have no idea what these terms mean except from a rough guide based on who others say are attractive.

To me i cannot understand why some types of physical features are consisdered better than others.

Can anyone explain this?

are there other asexuals who don't get this either?

I've said it before on here but in my opion physical apperance is just a way to recognise a personality. I can understand how personalities can be attractive but not looks

Attractiveness is really subjective. For example, one person may find a person with eyes set far apart attractive, while another would find that odd and not so attractive. And while one person may go gaga over blue eyes, another thinks green eyes are better.

I tend to look at people as a package deal - all their physical features work together well, not that they just have one nice feature, and they are a nice person. Once I find out the person is a jerk, they somehow become unattractive to me, even if I thought they were drop-dead gorgeous before. So I kind of understand what you mean, but some As don't even experience physical attraction at all, so I may not be helpful in that department.

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I would call myself attractive, and I know that others would too. And it has absolutely nothing to do with my asexuality. That I am sure of. Couldn't be more sure, actually.

And I'm an attentionwhore tonight. Congrats.

Moi

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I think personal attractiveness comes down to *for me anyways* hair style and clothing style.

I always feel I look better looking after doing my hair up *has to be spikey* otherwise I look like a nerd with a bad combover, so I guess that adds extra security as I don't look like a "loser".

I don't know about anyone else, but I find "attractive" people really intimidating, they generally tend to be airheads and hard to identify with. I don't find these people attractive, just that I SHOULD find them attractive but don't. It's that awkardness I find intimidating. understand?

I've lost count of the times my coworkers have said things like.

"Did you see that hot blondie that came in" "Did you see the legs on her, WOW" "Man I'd love to take her home, bend her over and ........"

I get reminded I'm asexual pretty much everyday. I wouldn't say it sucks it's something that I've gotten used to and live with. Does my life suck? Sometimes but it's not asexual caused, well I believe anyway. I'm sure theres things in our lives that all of us wanted to change. Last year it was to be more outgoing and to tell things like they are. A year later guess what, I want to go back to being the quite guy that bottled things up it's not an easy transition back, because it's a habit now, but just remember you might want to change something to make you a "better person" but it might make you a worse person and you where happy all along.

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I don't know about anyone else, but I find "attractive" people really intimidating, they generally tend to be airheads and hard to identify with

Me too, sort of.... at least some. The ones that are exremely outgoing with self-esteem pretty much oozing out of them. Also, those who use half a bottle of perfume, several layers of make up and a $100-haircut etc... I always see through that stuff.

Personally I don't bother to make myself look good, couldn't care less what other people think really. I can actually make an effort (not much needed tho) to be "unattractive". I love to walk around in rags - which I get plenty of since I like to play with our dogs and they love to transform my clothes to rags =) - and I've never made any effort to do my hair. I usually leave it unattended until I resemble Jesus from Nazareth, then I work myself over with the trimmer for about 5 minutes and voilá - skinhead. Lately I've also recieved some sort of eczema on my face, as long as it only bothers me cosmetically I will not waste time treating it.

catrinac: Interesting coincidence actually. I'm currently reading a book that treats just this subject. It's called Psycho Cybernetics (can't say it's the most fun read in the world...) by some Dr. Maxwell Maltz... who appearantely is a plastic surgeon and also a psychologist. It brings up self-image a lot and there are also suggestions and excercises on how to improve it. Just a tip.

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I think personal attractiveness comes down to *for me anyways* hair style and clothing style.

yeah, i pretty much look to someone's style and as far as the rest goes, it doesn't do anything for me. but style, to me, is a matter of self-expression- i like it when someone goes out of their way to look original, though in recent years i myself have started dressing far blander than ever before in life (possibly because i get dirty at work and wouldn't want to wreck good clothes.)

i guess i don't find attractive people intimidating since i can't recognize them to begin with.

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Thanks for this very interesting information. :) By the way I don't think being ungroomed is that much of a problem. So long as a person is more or less normal looking and could look better with help then I think that is all that matters. What I have trouble with is how extremely short I am and the fact that my nose really is a little too big for my overall frame. I've decided to have it redone because I agree with Dr.s like Maltz... self image really is key, especially in capitalist, competitive countries like the U.S.

Right after my nose surgery I masterbated every day for like two weeks and thought of how my life would change but about 6 weeks later found this website and started thinking about how I'd probably never really want to have sex anyway. My point being that I had the surgery more to normalize and mainstream myself and not in order to get laid. That hasn't really been on my list of things to do for some time.... I should accept it.

catrinac: Interesting coincidence actually. I'm currently reading a book that treats just this subject. It's called Psycho Cybernetics (can't say it's the most fun read in the world...) by some Dr. Maxwell Maltz... who appearantely is a plastic surgeon and also a psychologist. It brings up self-image a lot and there are also suggestions and excercises on how to improve it. Just a tip.
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I wish self esteem was an inside job but it's not!!! People who say this are deluded! Life is about looks, anyone who says otherwise is out of touch with reality. A good look is absolutely indispensable to modern life. Why has plastic surgery become so much more mainstream in recent years if therapy and "working on yourself" is the ticket?? I've worked on myslf for years, I should know. I'm UGLY, it holds me back. There is not amount of mental conditioning or exercises that will change my self perception. How RIDICULOUS.

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i guess not many people i know well care about their appearance in the typical attractive/unattractive way- they're more or less people who went with the 'i want a distinctive style' path and really don't care whether or not they fit into any socially sanctioned mold of attractiveness, or fashion for that matter. i mean, i have a few female friends who don't shave their legs and wear shorts (well, pants they cut off at just about the knee) and at least one of them is having sex despite doing something that the vast majority of the population would think is not attractive, and though i'm not really the best judge of such things she's certainly NOT got the kind of body that's in vogue with the media these days.

my honest belief in how plastic surgery has become more popular is that people are being told to scrutinize their looks more and are being sold that there EXISTS a uniform standard of beauty, and they're told (by the media and advertising world) what it is.

the phrase 'a good look is key to modern life'- i can sort of see that, but my problem is I DECIDE what a good look is. i look at how someone looks- or wants to look- as an issue of self-expression and self-determination. i feel bad if someone feels unattractive, since, in the end, the word 'attractive' has no inherent meaning.

leaving off, my idea of beauty was probably best expressed by John Cage, who said "when i see something and i think it is not beautiful, i ask myself way it is not beautiful, and i realize that there is no reason."

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I wish self esteem was an inside job but it's not!!! People who say this are deluded! Life is about looks, anyone who says otherwise is out of touch with reality. A good look is absolutely indispensable to modern life. Why has plastic surgery become so much more mainstream in recent years if therapy and "working on yourself" is the ticket?? I've worked on myslf for years, I should know. I'm UGLY, it holds me back. There is not amount of mental conditioning or exercises that will change my self perception. How RIDICULOUS.

Excuse me? Out of touch with reality?

I happen to know people who are very attractive and have incredibly low self esteem - BECAUSE they are attractive. They make themselves look good because they feel bad about themselves, and vice versa I know plenty of people who might be considered homely, but they don't give a rats arse- they are happy and content with themselves.

Some people are shallow and will only judge you on looks, but they are not worth wasting your time on, and certainly aren't the standard by which all things should be judged. Life is only about looks if you let it be. People who are charasmatic and friendly are loved and respected, even if they are "ugly". And don't tell me I don't know what I'm talking about because I've seen it.

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Id like to see a picture of catrinac to see what they look like because on the face alone I could probably fine a few things to say are attractive.

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I've finally shaken off the hesitance I've had to say this -- it doesn't exactly endear one to one's fellows. But yes. Enough that I've been mistaken for a runway model. And no, I still dislike sex and have zero interest in partaking of it.

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I wish self esteem was an inside job but it's not!!! People who say this are deluded! Life is about looks, anyone who says otherwise is out of touch with reality. A good look is absolutely indispensable to modern life. Why has plastic surgery become so much more mainstream in recent years if therapy and "working on yourself" is the ticket?? I've worked on myslf for years, I should know. I'm UGLY, it holds me back. There is not amount of mental conditioning or exercises that will change my self perception. How RIDICULOUS.

Oh yeah, and my looks got me SO MUCH while I was trying to get a Ph. D. in physics with all the young guys in their 20s who surrounded me resenting the shit out of my existence because I wasn't forking over my pussy ON DEMAND. Yeah, they didn't make my life a living fucking hell. Sorry -- those are merely MY problems, whereas your entire life is YOUR problem. Yeah, that's FAR more important, obviously.

Get a grip -- have you ever heard men talking about women they find attractive? Do they sound anything but hateful? Their whole attitude is, "Goddamned bitch, I want her pussy and she's not coughing up! I hope she dies." Men HATE what they want to fuck -- they want your cunt, and you ain't forking it over. That's all they know. You -- some worthless bitch -- is standing between them and something they want.

Your problems aren't any more pervasive than anyone else's just because they're YOURS.

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Lady Wraith
I'm going to stop bringing this up on public message boards because it is clear to me that the public has trouble handling questions related to looks. That I felt homely as a teen and never really grew out of it is an epiphany I have had in my late 30s. I feel very judged for being told this is something I should be over. I don't know how old you are but I've noticed a lot of people on these boards seem to be quite young. Mid life is very difficult and no, teenage issues do NOT just magically go away. I waited for years for them to and they never did. What I've been doing is trying to figure out WHY I'm so averse to sex. I've concluded that I have a self image problem that started when I was a teenager. I don't think that being better looking would solve the problem. It sure wouldn't hurt though.

The poster who said I should wear make up and do my hair, duh, I do that every day. I've even had plastic surgery. I'll probably have to have a revision on my nose to get past what is really bothering me, and no, I'd rather that people didn't comment on that.

Thanks for judging me and have a great day!!

While I think it's very mature of you to be willing to recognize your issues in order to work on them I do sense a lot of hostility in your posts, your self-image issues is something that onely you can fix by getting plastic surgury or learning to be ok with nature so there's no need to get all defensive because it's not other people's opinions that matter, it's yours, as you have noted yourself.

Now, asexuality is not a problem and physical attractiveness has nothing to do with it, as Lucinda said. You're experiencing something else imo, but that doesn't mean "there's something wrong with you", this whole subject can be hard to digest at first and embracing self-awareness can be less than thrilling but try not to be so hard on yourself, you don't have to figure it all out at once or to label yourself in

order to feel good about who you are.

But for the record I do think that society is shallow but you're the only one who knows ALL that makes you a person aside from your looks so if you value yourself as society would instead of bringing your other good traits to the forefront then you're telling them "yes, I'm only a body and since I'm an ugly one I'm worthless" which YOU know it's not true 'cause I'm sure there are other things that make you completely deserving and lovable. If you think you're gonna be appreciated only for your looks then that's what'll happen, look at Marilyn, surrounded by men who desired her yet felt alone and unloved. But if you are ugly and come to terms with it, then what yu'll get is someone who loves you like you love yourself: no matter what your look like and for every other thing that makes you great to be with (like sense of humor and whatnot), it's harder to find people like that: yep; will it make easier to want to change society and actually changing yourself to be accepted?: no.

Don't worry a lot us deal with stuff like that, and it's not an overnight change, be patient and persistent

Or is it really possible to subconsciously broadcast your orientation or lack of primal needs?

I've wondered this myself...

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I wish self esteem was an inside job but it's not!!! People who say this are deluded! Life is about looks, anyone who says otherwise is out of touch with reality. A good look is absolutely indispensable to modern life. Why has plastic surgery become so much more mainstream in recent years if therapy and "working on yourself" is the ticket?? I've worked on myslf for years, I should know. I'm UGLY, it holds me back. There is not amount of mental conditioning or exercises that will change my self perception. How RIDICULOUS.

Oh yeah, and my looks got me SO MUCH while I was trying to get a Ph. D. in physics with all the young guys in their 20s who surrounded me resenting the shit out of my existence because I wasn't forking over my pussy ON DEMAND. Yeah, they didn't make my life a living fucking hell. Sorry -- those are merely MY problems, whereas your entire life is YOUR problem. Yeah, that's FAR more important, obviously.

Get a grip -- have you ever heard men talking about women they find attractive? Do they sound anything but hateful? Their whole attitude is, "Goddamned bitch, I want her pussy and she's not coughing up! I hope she dies." Men HATE what they want to fuck -- they want your cunt, and you ain't forking it over. That's all they know. You -- some worthless bitch -- is standing between them and something they want.

Your problems aren't any more pervasive than anyone else's just because they're YOURS.

Please can we keep the coarse language down a little bit?

Keep in mind, we're not trying to get into flame wars here.

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I don't know about anyone else, but I find "attractive" people really intimidating, they generally tend to be airheads and hard to identify with.

Really? That's interesting. I get told quite often that I'm attractive so I accept that people think I am. However, people aren't usually intimidated by me until we start talking intellectually and they realize how much I'm not an airhead. I also know a lot of very attractive people who are very smart too.

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NOT LIKELY!! I used to have a pretty kickin bod but now I'm getting older, etc. My face on the other hand... I've been ugly since the 80s! I just have no look whatsoever. I've got a botched nose job that makes me look like I have nearly a negro nose with very large, wide nostrils. It is gross! I have a wide forehead and ugly face shape. Overall I am considered very, very plain facially. I'm what's known as a BUTTER FACE. You know, like Fergie.

Id like to see a picture of catrinac to see what they look like because on the face alone I could probably fine a few things to say are attractive.
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OMG, how preachy and pretentious!!

But for the record I do think that society is shallow but you're the only one who knows ALL that makes you a person aside from your looks so if you value yourself as society would instead of bringing your other good traits to the forefront then you're telling them "yes, I'm only a body and since I'm an ugly one I'm worthless" which YOU know it's not true 'cause I'm sure there are other things that make you completely deserving and lovable. If you think you're gonna be appreciated only for your looks then that's what'll happen, look at Marilyn, surrounded by men who desired her yet felt alone and unloved. But if you are ugly and come to terms with it, then what yu'll get is someone who loves you like you love yourself: no matter what your look like and for every other thing that makes you great to be with (like sense of humor and whatnot), it's harder to find people like that: yep; will it make easier to want to change society and actually changing yourself to be accepted?: no.

Don't worry a lot us deal with stuff like that, and it's not an overnight change, be patient and persistent[/font][/color]

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I think most of us here on aven dont care about our looks it really seems right now that catrinac cares way to much about her looks an no matter what we say she doesnt care about anything other than her looks. And how was what that person said preachy and pretentious, I think that the person who said that and what they said is the truth not preachy or pretentious grow up.

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Seien Hananosei

Personally, I never thought about how I looked... Although I do get asked out fairly recently. :/ (I don't get why; they usually don't even know me.) After thinking about it, I think I'm about average. Not terribly attractive, but not unattractive either.

Me-2.jpg

((This picture was taken two years ago; I don't have any good recent ones.))

Personally, I don't think there's any correlation between looks and asexuality. It seemed to me that asking if there were any really attractive asexuals implied that people are asexual because they can't get any. :/ I never really thought that kind of thing mattered, though.

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Seien Hananosei
How do you define the term attractive or good looking ?

I have no idea what these terms mean except from a rough guide based on who others say are attractive.

To me i cannot understand why some types of physical features are consisdered better than others.

Can anyone explain this?

are there other asexuals who don't get this either?

I've said it before on here but in my opion physical apperance is just a way to recognise a personality. I can understand how personalities can be attractive but not looks

Yeah, unless the contrast is really extreme I find it hard to gauge the attractiveness or unattractiveness of someone I don't know. :/

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Seien Hananosei
Actually in my opinion you are gorgeous.

:redface: Thank you. It's probably not that great a picture to judge that kind of thing by, though, because my mother dolled me up for a dance. ^^;

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However you look you are gorgeous and never deny yourself that.

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Seien Hananosei
I'm going to stop bringing this up on public message boards because it is clear to me that the public has trouble handling questions related to looks. That I felt homely as a teen and never really grew out of it is an epiphany I have had in my late 30s. I feel very judged for being told this is something I should be over. I don't know how old you are but I've noticed a lot of people on these boards seem to be quite young. Mid life is very difficult and no, teenage issues do NOT just magically go away. I waited for years for them to and they never did. What I've been doing is trying to figure out WHY I'm so averse to sex. I've concluded that I have a self image problem that started when I was a teenager. I don't think that being better looking would solve the problem. It sure wouldn't hurt though.

The poster who said I should wear make up and do my hair, duh, I do that every day. I've even had plastic surgery. I'll probably have to have a revision on my nose to get past what is really bothering me, and no, I'd rather that people didn't comment on that.

Thanks for judging me and have a great day!!

Who's judging? I have a friend who was born with half of her face paralyzed, and while I was probably not very supportive of surgery to increase one's looks before... Now, I've taken a stance of 'whatever makes you happy.' So, if someone feels they need to look pretty to feel happy that's fine with me. I know that she had a lot of inferiority problems which may or may not go away now. The most important thing is to be happy with yourself.

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< retired >
...have you ever heard men talking about women they find attractive? Do they sound anything but hateful?...

Teenage boys, yes. Men, no. Perhaps you need to start hanging around higher caliber men? :D

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Seien Hananosei
...have you ever heard men talking about women they find attractive? Do they sound anything but hateful?...

Teenage boys, yes. Men, no. Perhaps you need to start hanging around higher caliber men? :D

I always hear them sounding vulgar rather than hateful. Usually they don't talk about the women as people though. More like objects. Like... A trophy or something. I would very much like to believe that when boys get older they get less stupid.

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Lady Wraith
OMG, how preachy and pretentious!!

[/i]

I was just trying to be less negative, to give some perspective from my own experience as we're here to share things like that (in my opinion); it's not like I've never had any self-image issues, it's hard to be a girl and be judged by your looks most of the time, but I thought once it'd be nice if I gave myself a break, and thought you could benefit from that advice too, my bad, why would I want to help?

You want to keep whinning to strangers about how freaking ugly you are and how you can't get laid and so labeled yourself asexual, ok then knock yourself out, sorry I messed with that. Really, carry on, forget I said anything.

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