Jump to content

Demi's


OwlSaint

Recommended Posts

I was reading that there are monkeys that have absolutely no concept that sex is for reproductive purposes. They spend their lives just having sexual relationship after sexual relationship and don't understand at all what they are doing except for the moment where they only care about their groins, it seems like such a pointless existance to waste your life on this kind of activity. Now if only those monkeys could invent alcohol and a particular type of building...weird that sounds a bit familiar all of a sudden.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I was reading that there are monkeys that have absolutely no concept that sex is for reproductive purposes. They spend their lives just having sexual relationship after sexual relationship and don't understand at all what they are doing except for the moment where they only care about their groins, it seems like such a pointless existance to waste your life on this kind of activity. Now if only those monkeys could invent alcohol and a particular type of building...weird that sounds a bit familiar all of a sudden.

Now really, how was the research certain that the frat boys monkeys had no concept of reproduction and were only caring about getting laid sexual gratification? I want to see numbers, dammit!

In all seriousness, I think the existence of the category demisexuality represents the variety in sexual orientations and the fact that romantic attraction can be a factor-something that seems to be forgotten all too often.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It would be awfully hard to determine whether monkeys have a concept of sex being linked to reproduction, since we can't actually have a conversation with them. (Unless we're talking about the great apes that learned a vocabulary of 300 words or so, but there's debate even about those, and the causation of reproduction is a pretty complex topic to get across.) You could make predictions about how they would behave based on knowing or not knowing about the connection, but just because they have a lot of sexual relationships doesn't mean they don't know; it could mean they just don't mind that they're risking having monkey babies.

I'm confused about the "pointless existence" argument, too. It makes a little bit more sense when you make that argument about humans who are having sex all the time, because those humans could be spending their time writing novels or travelling to exotic places or producing great art or doing scientific research or something. But even then, it's a pretty weak argument, since there are plenty of people who do more than one of those things and still find time for a moderate amount of sex; the only problem is when people seem to care about only sex and nothing else. But with monkeys, the argument falls apart completely. What are they supposed to be doing instead of having sexual relationships with other monkeys? Looking for food (which presumably they've already done enough of, since they presumably aren't starving)? Climbing around randomly? Solving the little puzzles that scientific researchers get for them (which, really, doesn't take up that many hours in a day)? They're monkeys, for goodness' sake! Let them have relationships that fulfil them in a monkey sort of way.

(And, as OwlSaint said, just because a person has a lot of sexual relationships doesn't mean they "only care about their groin". Plenty of human sexual relationships have emotional, romantic, intellectual, practical, and other interesting components beyond simple physical satisfaction; not all do, but plenty do! Possibly monkeys might not be smart enough to have relationships that are as complex as human ones, but again, they're monkeys! We can't ask them.)

Link to post
Share on other sites

To make the pointless existence argument against sex, even constant sex, one must first know exactly what it is that makes a pointed life. For all we know the hokey pokey is what it's all about. I'd always thought that it was to enjoy ourselves as best we can while we're here, and if sex is a way of doing that, then in my opinion, by all means.

I'd also say that sex can be meaningful to different people in different ways.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...

I need some advice on getting used to being demi. I'm repulsed ase, but am sexually attracted to my boyfriend, so I'm guessing that counts as demi. It's really hard to deal with sometimes, and he's not doing so shiny either (he's not repulsed, but also identified as asexual just more indifferent). It's like, you think you know who you are and then you don't, and with me I also get mad at myself for wanting to or doing it because normally the idea sickens me so much. And I don't really know what ot do about that.

To make the pointless existence argument against sex, even constant sex, one must first know exactly what it is that makes a pointed life. For all we know the hokey pokey is what it's all about. I'd always thought that it was to enjoy ourselves as best we can while we're here, and if sex is a way of doing that, then in my opinion, by all means.

I think that's the biggest thing. People can think that making the most money, helping the most people, becoming the most famous, falling in love, being happy, being succesful at work, being well liked, or any number of things are what the point of life is. There is no one point of life, and just because you think X is the point doesn't mean someone else won't think you're totally wasting your life because Y is obviously the point of life.

There's this show, I think it's "How I met your mother", with Neil Patrick Harris as a guy who sleeps around a lot. The only episode I've ever seen basically has the story line that he's in love with this girl, and his friend tries to convince him to stop sleeping with bimboes and prove to her that he can be a serious boyfriend. At the end he decides that he'd rather choose bimbos. His friend obviously thinks this is horrible and can't understand it, but if casual sex with empty-headed girls is what makes him happy, then there's really no reason he shouldn't do it even if we can't see how he could be happy like that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

By every explanation people have given, I am DEFINITELY demi. My only issue is just that, why do we need a NAME for only wanting to have sex with someone you love? Do you understand what I mean, OwlSaint? But I do understand how it's unusual not to be sexually attracted to people in general. So, I am demi. Have we decided that half-heart thing is the official symbol?

Oh and for all of those who posted in my topic and helped me figure out demisexuality, thanks very much. :)

I told my boyfriend about it; he thinks it's cool. :)

I want to be all "demi pride" but since most people don't even know what asexuality is, they'd probably be confused as to why someone would identify as "half sexual"

haha

<3

You guys have helped me be a lot less confused about myself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think I can qualify as a demiromantic asexual...

I'm definitely not demisexual though.

You're more romantically attracted to someone the more in love with said person you are? If you mean you are more romantically attracted to someone the more you know them as friends or acquaintances then that definitely makes sense.

I'd like a bit more explanation on why you say this; it doesn't quite fit into my definition of demi's, but I would appreciate an understanding of how you're trying to describe yourself.

I get crushes, but only on people I'm already really close friends with. It also happens very rarely.

I think it's best described as "I'm more romantically attracted to someone the more platonically close I am with said person."

Does this make sense?

Yes it does, actually, and I think it describes a lot of people, myself included.

I think this describes a lot of the general population; basically anyone who isn't shallow. lol

Link to post
Share on other sites
By every explanation people have given, I am DEFINITELY demi. My only issue is just that, why do we need a NAME for only wanting to have sex with someone you love? Do you understand what I mean, OwlSaint? But I do understand how it's unusual not to be sexually attracted to people in general. So, I am demi. Have we decided that half-heart thing is the official symbol?

I don't know about anyone else, but I still identify as asexual more than anything. I think demi is there to make it clear that we aren't sexual, we just have exceptions.

I don't think we've decided on the symbol, I know some people objected to it because it could imply only demis are romantic or all romantics are actually demi, or worse that love=sex.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh yeah I can see how that would be a problem.

Well I think if I discovered this site before I met my boyfriend, I would have identified as asexual.

but now I have no doubt as to my being sexual! so I say I'm demi.

I'm just pretty anti-label, that's all.

But using terms to help people understand you, or to understand yourself, is a good thing. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Marco - Proprietor of Doom

after reading this tread, I think I could be Demi but sort of, semi Demi... if that makes sense.

(this is purely speculation you understand)

I think Romantic Asexual still sounds more like me however.

Link to post
Share on other sites
after reading this tread, I think I could be Demi but sort of, semi Demi... if that makes sense.

(this is purely speculation you understand)

I think Romantic Asexual still sounds more like me however.

Well have you any kind of close romantic relationship with someone?

If you're similar to me at all, you have really NO way of knowing until you are involved closely with someone.

Link to post
Share on other sites
metalgirl2045

I think of demi as asexual with exceptions more than sexual with exceptions. If I was offered the keys to a room full of hot men (not forced to have sex with, just window shopping) I'd pass and continue whatever I was doing before because I know I woulnd't find any of them attractive. Despite being hetero (by observation of the few exceptions) I do not consider "men" as a gender to be in general appealing, or "women", individual names of people I know well have to be given for me to think "they're hot".

Link to post
Share on other sites
Marco - Proprietor of Doom
after reading this tread, I think I could be Demi but sort of, semi Demi... if that makes sense.

(this is purely speculation you understand)

I think Romantic Asexual still sounds more like me however.

Well have you any kind of close romantic relationship with someone?

If you're similar to me at all, you have really NO way of knowing until you are involved closely with someone.

No I haven't had any close romantic relationships with anyone. So I suppose there is a chance I could be demi, but if there is no way of knowing till I'm in a relationship, I'll just have to wait and see how things go.

I'll stick with Romantic Asexual for now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I developed the term primarily because of Rabger's model of human sexuality, which differentiates between "primary sexual attraction", which is that instant horniness most people get upon seeing a sexy member of the appropriate gender, and "secondary sexual attraction", which only builds with emotional intimacy. I have one but not the other, a sexual person has both, and an asexual has neither. Bam! New category!

So, what does it mean if I have primary physical attraction, but not secondary...as in, the thought of being emotionally AND physically intimate with someone turns me way off but I can imagine having sexual encounters with strangers, just for the fun* of it? (note that I say *imagine* here. Much safer in the imagination; no nasty diseases)

*it seems "fun" to me for several reasons, but mostly 'cuz I am a vain and insecure creature and knowing someone finds me attractive enough to also want to see me and touch me with my clothes off is way flattering and a nice ego boost.

Aromantic Sexual? But that implies you cant be romantic at all, which isnt exactly what you have said...umm

You can be an aromantic sexual in that you don't have traditional sexual realtionship or you prefer sex and conversation with a close person rather than the usual hugs, cuddles and touching that goes on. Or you could be an aromantic sexual if you prefer sex to kissing and rather not engage in it or you hate light caresses and go for deep hugs and pressure as opposed to tenderness. Or if you rather have best friends and "fuck buddies" as oppsed to an emotionally intimate sexual relationship.

You could also be a demi-asexual in that you want close intimate relationships without sex but still have a desire for casual sex.

Link to post
Share on other sites
MissBiochemistry

Out of all the sexual orientations I know of, demi describes me best. I'm definitely Gray-A, and I identify with much of what you demis say. I'm proud of being demi, I think it makes my life fantastic and also a lot easier. But I've only told my mum yet. She hadn't heard the word previously, but when I explained it she said it sounds like a good and healthy thing to be. And based on all the discussions about sexuality with mum before I knew I was demi, I think mum might be demi too. Wonder if it's genetic... I think it may be pretty common to be demi. Maybe it's how people are originally made to be and this over-sexual era has messed it up.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Out of all the sexual orientations I know of, demi describes me best. I'm definitely Gray-A, and I identify with much of what you demis say. I'm proud of being demi, I think it makes my life fantastic and also a lot easier. But I've only told my mum yet. She hadn't heard the word previously, but when I explained it she said it sounds like a good and healthy thing to be.

Congratulations on knowing yourself! I'm happy for you :) And it's good to hear too that you're proud of who you are.

based on all the discussions about sexuality with mum before I knew I was demi, I think mum might be demi too. Wonder if it's genetic... I think it may be pretty common to be demi. Maybe it's how people are originally made to be and this over-sexual era has messed it up.

That is actually a really good question that needs research: How society has influenced people's sexual orientations - for better and/or for worse.

Link to post
Share on other sites
MissBiochemistry
based on all the discussions about sexuality with mum before I knew I was demi, I think mum might be demi too. Wonder if it's genetic... I think it may be pretty common to be demi. Maybe it's how people are originally made to be and this over-sexual era has messed it up.

That is actually a really good question that needs research: How society has influenced people's sexual orientations - for better and/or for worse.

Yes. And I know this is controversial, but I'll say it anyway: I think homosexuality has become more common as it's more accepted and visible among people. It's not just coming out of the closet. I think teens who hear about gays everywhere and aren't so sure about themselves may start thinking "maybe I'm too", and then start homosexual behavior. In reality they may be asexual or demi, or just heterosexual late bloomers. I remember wondering if I was gay as I didn't really understand why some guys were "hot" and felt usually absolutely nothing when seeing a man without a shirt. Because that's what the youth magazines say. If you aren't that much into guys, you're lesbian. But I figured out I'm not as I've never had a crush on a girl. That is, I think, a better way to know what you are. The sexual orientation tests and things like that in our culture seem to suggest everyone who isn't strongly heterosexual is homosexual.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Can you be demi-asexual? I heard the term on of the topics posted here.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I refuse to fit in the demi box for the same reason I refuse to fit into any other boxes. Mostly when it comes to sex I just let my feelings be what they are, and then ignore them and do what I want to do. If the emphasis is on the action, I'm autosexual, but if it's on the feelings, I'm nothing at all. No label exists that accurately represents me. But if we keep making up new labels to go with every little shade in the sexual crayon box, eventually we'll be like Baskin Robbins with 31 flavors of sexuality to choose from. Stop me before I make another analogy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
metalgirl2045
Can you be demi-asexual? I heard the term on of the topics posted here.

How does that differ from demisexual? If half is sexual, surely it already implies half is asexual?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I too am a "demi" or a "grey." I came across an article about them on the AVEN Wikipedia thing. I am so relieved that Demis actually exist! I first heard of Asexuals on the Montel show. I thought that was so cool to see people who were asexual. The problem was I am kind of in the middle. I used to be very sexual, and I've had sex, and the first time was everything I expected it to be. But each successive time thereafter (even with the first person I had it with) it became less and less similar to what it was like the first time. Basically my interest decreased, and now I rarely desire it. Sometimes I am attracted to a guy, mostly because I have become attracted to his personality which somehow leads into my being attracted physically (so-called 'secondary sexual attraction'). Sometimes 'primary sexual attraction' just occurs without warning and for a brief period (maybe a couple hours, at sopradic times).

I am glad to know I am not the only demi here, caught between the sex-obsessed culture of the mainsteam and the entirely sexless culture of Asexuals

Link to post
Share on other sites
Can you be demi-asexual? I heard the term on of the topics posted here.

How does that differ from demisexual? If half is sexual, surely it already implies half is asexual?

I heard it to be an anti-demisexual, basically. Maybe it was that you can only have casual sex, and once you get to know and like and respect the person you stop being sexually attracted to them? Instead of after you get to know and like and respect the person you might start developing sexual attraction?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Can you be demi-asexual? I heard the term on of the topics posted here.

How does that differ from demisexual? If half is sexual, surely it already implies half is asexual?

I heard it to be an anti-demisexual, basically. Maybe it was that you can only have casual sex, and once you get to know and like and respect the person you stop being sexually attracted to them? Instead of after you get to know and like and respect the person you might start developing sexual attraction?

It also might mean demi-romantic, in the same way that "hetero-asexual" can mean hetero-romantic. Or it could be that. I have no idea.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Interesting, I'd never heard of Demisexuals before this... I guess that's what I get for being absent from the boards for so long! :)

Just as a clarification point for me, or perhaps in the interest of furthering discussion, do you think an aromantic can be demisexual? Or would an aromantic element prohibit the feelings required for secondary sexual attraction?

*isn't demisexual, but gives it a shot*

There are different kinds of aromantics. Many aromantic people have non-romantic relationships that are still extremely intimate and important to them. I can see how it would be possible for an aromantic person to only feel sexual attraction for their dearest friends and associates.

Though, given our society's conflation of sex and romance, such a person might not realize that they were aromantic... they might simply assume that sex + friendship was all there was.

That description fits me pretty much. I could an aromantic demisexual since I would only consider the sex + friendship situation in having sex. At the same time, sex does leave a bad taste in my mouth so to speak, which I seem to fit the hetero-bi-romantic asexual category.

So, what does it mean if I have primary physical attraction, but not secondary...as in, the thought of being emotionally AND physically intimate with someone turns me way off but I can imagine having sexual encounters with strangers, just for the fun* of it? (note that I say *imagine* here. Much safer in the imagination; no nasty diseases)

*it seems "fun" to me for several reasons, but mostly 'cuz I am a vain and insecure creature and knowing someone finds me attractive enough to also want to see me and touch me with my clothes off is way flattering and a nice ego boost.

I don't think we have a name for that yet, but it's perfectly possible. Would you like to do the naming honors?

ha ha! how bout "Effin CrAzy"? :)

or "I love my boyfriend so why do I want to sleep with everyone but him"? :(

I think someone here mentioned the term here, demi- asexual, or literally half asexual in the sense that you have some disinterest in sex since you only do it in spontaneous fun and any serious relationships have no sex in them. But then, you could insecurity issues relating to emotional bonding during sex but then again if you do not, then it is a valid orientation to have.

It does sound crazy at first sight yet I do have a friend who realized that she was perfectly happy in her life, as in legitimately she had a boyfriend who she did not want to have sex with, she had friends, a good job, enough money, no past abuse etc, yet still had primary sexual desire for random men. She got distressed at the ridiculousness of the situation and luckily her boyfriend did not have much desire for sex so he took the package of her issue. Still, it is horribly alienating in a culture where sex is the ultimate closeness and it should be with someone you love and if you do not want it and still love that person that can be acceptable in some sense.

however the other way round is taboo in our society. we tend to see those people as nymphomaniacs which some are not, i.e they only desire random sex once a week which is not nymphomaniac that much. besides they may not harbour any guilt about it either. An analogy of it is where you only kiss acquaintances on the cheek yet refuse to kiss your boyfriend and only hug him because in your view hugs are more intimate than kissing. Their view is that sex is less intimate than a close romantic relationship.

Hope this helps debunk the craziness of it all.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I refuse to fit in the demi box for the same reason I refuse to fit into any other boxes. Mostly when it comes to sex I just let my feelings be what they are, and then ignore them and do what I want to do. If the emphasis is on the action, I'm autosexual, but if it's on the feelings, I'm nothing at all. No label exists that accurately represents me. But if we keep making up new labels to go with every little shade in the sexual crayon box, eventually we'll be like Baskin Robbins with 31 flavors of sexuality to choose from. Stop me before I make another analogy.

I agree.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Can you be demi-asexual? I heard the term on of the topics posted here.

How does that differ from demisexual? If half is sexual, surely it already implies half is asexual?

I heard it to be an anti-demisexual, basically. Maybe it was that you can only have casual sex, and once you get to know and like and respect the person you stop being sexually attracted to them? Instead of after you get to know and like and respect the person you might start developing sexual attraction?

It also might mean demi-romantic, in the same way that "hetero-asexual" can mean hetero-romantic. Or it could be that. I have no idea.

It could be both. Demiromantic did come up awhile ago, but before that people were toying with the opposite of demisexual being demiasexual. *shrugs*

Link to post
Share on other sites
Can you be demi-asexual? I heard the term on of the topics posted here.

How does that differ from demisexual? If half is sexual, surely it already implies half is asexual?

I heard it to be an anti-demisexual, basically. Maybe it was that you can only have casual sex, and once you get to know and like and respect the person you stop being sexually attracted to them? Instead of after you get to know and like and respect the person you might start developing sexual attraction?

It also might mean demi-romantic, in the same way that "hetero-asexual" can mean hetero-romantic. Or it could be that. I have no idea.

It could be both. Demiromantic did come up awhile ago, but before that people were toying with the opposite of demisexual being demiasexual. *shrugs*

woo quote pyramid....

I'm kind of wondering what people mean by demi-asexual and demi-romantic....

Given the definition of demisexual as exclusively sexual to someone who the demi is in love with....

A demi asexual would be someone who's only asexual with someone the demi is in love with (antidemi)? So attracted to other people but specifically not the person the antidemi is in love with?...

Would demi romantic be only romantic with someone the demi is in love with?... that seems self-contradictory... it's an infinite loop nobody can get in! :o

Link to post
Share on other sites
Would demi romantic be only romantic with someone the demi is in love with?... that seems self-contradictory... it's an infinite loop nobody can get in! :o

http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?sho...hl=demiromantic

"A lack of romantic attraction, desire or need for an intimate or physical nature (aromanticism) With the ability to develop feelings (romantic attraction) for someone ONLY after getting to know them well enough and getting to understand them as a person, usually built out of an initial very close friendship."

Basically like demisexual is kind of like asexual until you're in love, demiromantic is aromantic until you're extremely close.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Can you be demi-asexual? I heard the term on of the topics posted here.

How does that differ from demisexual? If half is sexual, surely it already implies half is asexual?

I heard it to be an anti-demisexual, basically. Maybe it was that you can only have casual sex, and once you get to know and like and respect the person you stop being sexually attracted to them? Instead of after you get to know and like and respect the person you might start developing sexual attraction?

It also might mean demi-romantic, in the same way that "hetero-asexual" can mean hetero-romantic. Or it could be that. I have no idea.

It could be both. Demiromantic did come up awhile ago, but before that people were toying with the opposite of demisexual being demiasexual. *shrugs*

woo quote pyramid....

I'm kind of wondering what people mean by demi-asexual and demi-romantic....

Given the definition of demisexual as exclusively sexual to someone who the demi is in love with....

A demi asexual would be someone who's only asexual with someone the demi is in love with (antidemi)? So attracted to other people but specifically not the person the antidemi is in love with?...

Would demi romantic be only romantic with someone the demi is in love with?... that seems self-contradictory... it's an infinite loop nobody can get in! :o

True. Demi- asexual is where you stop being sexually attracted to someone after you know and love them. The essence is that to a demi- asexual, sex is the first milestone in a relationship as opposed to the last one in demisexual/ sexual relationships. In asexual relationships sex as a milestone is often missing or really delayed. They also take the love= sex equation and alter to fun=sex and love= emotional intimacy devoid of sex. They develop asexual attraction from an initial sexual attraction. ^_^

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 7 months later...

to me, i think you should just identify as hetero or bi.(depending on what you like). its not all that uncommon for people to only have sex with someone they love. if you don't want to get in a sexual relationship with someone you don't love, then that's normal. :mellow:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...