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Demi's


OwlSaint

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Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is me as well :) and actually my best friend too. We joked for years about being mutually asexual. It's been difficult because as I began exploring my lack of interest in sex, she found a boyfriend she truly loves and is interested in it for the first time in her life. (we're both 21-22ish)

Makes me wonder if there are more demisexuals out there than we think, and just don't realize it because they're in happy sexual relationships or have been in the past.

Thank you for this post!

If everyone took a truth pill you will probably find that a lot of people would fit demi as we are talking about things that are pretty personal and trust tends to need to fit before you can fit. There are alot of people who are out there having sex because they think they have to, but if they told the truth they are not really enjoying it.

Alot of people know me as a lesbian as this saves time, however i tend to call myself Queer as this label fits so many varients in fact it can fit anyone other then straight...and i like it cause you can say "oh i'm feeling a bit queer today" which could mean anything...yep...yep...yep

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Makes me wonder if there are more demisexuals out there than we think, and just don't realize it because they're in happy sexual relationships or have been in the past.

There are also many sexuals out there (like me ;) ) who definitely feel sexual attraction outside love, but feel absolutely no desire at all to act on it outside love. So by orientation I'm definitely sexual, but pretty similar to a demi in behaviour. And I'm sure that as usually there's a whole spectrum of grey between sexuals like me and demis, and there will be people all the way along it in varying states of certainty and confusion as to what the hell is going on, just like with everything :)

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One Winged Angel
There are alot of people who are out there having sex because they think they have to, but if they told the truth they are not really enjoying it.

I think this is true as well, I see it a lot, especially in teens and young adults, who for some reason thnk if their not having sex, something is wrong with them.

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There are alot of people who are out there having sex because they think they have to, but if they told the truth they are not really enjoying it.

I think this is true as well, I see it a lot, especially in teens and young adults, who for some reason thnk if their not having sex, something is wrong with them.

There's a lot of pressure on a lot of people from a lot of different directions to have sex. Ironically, the worst reason of all to have sex is because of pressure, which to some is the greatest factor.

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I am definitely demi. I said to my last ex-gf that I didn't think I would want sex with her. And, at first, I didn't. She was fine with it and said she could live without it if that meant being with me. Then, as I became more emotionally connected to her and love came into the equation, I started having sexual feelings for her and wanted sex. Not lots, but a little bit. Once/twice a week would've been ideal. When we broke up I visited her house as a 'friend' and the sexual attraction between us was so strong. I touched her and it felt like electricity running down me. However, it's difficult for me to stay aroused. So, even though initially I used to want her to touch me, it would get a bit boring after a while.

BUT anyway, yes, demi for me. Sexuality is so so complex!!

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  • 1 month later...

Time to necro this post with a happy announcement! My roomate now believes he is a demi after it was explained to him!

Our numbers are increasing! ++

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I think I can qualify as a demiromantic asexual...

I'm definitely not demisexual though.

You're more romantically attracted to someone the more in love with said person you are? If you mean you are more romantically attracted to someone the more you know them as friends or acquaintances then that definitely makes sense.

I'd like a bit more explanation on why you say this; it doesn't quite fit into my definition of demi's, but I would appreciate an understanding of how you're trying to describe yourself.

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I think I can qualify as a demiromantic asexual...

I'm definitely not demisexual though.

You're more romantically attracted to someone the more in love with said person you are? If you mean you are more romantically attracted to someone the more you know them as friends or acquaintances then that definitely makes sense.

I'd like a bit more explanation on why you say this; it doesn't quite fit into my definition of demi's, but I would appreciate an understanding of how you're trying to describe yourself.

It came up in a thread were a person who dientified as aromantic said they still desired a relationship (something more typical of romantics). Essentially it's determined that you don't get "crushes" int hat sense, and you're only romantically attracted to someone when you know them well- as opposed to people who are totally gushing over people they never had a chance to talk to. http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?showtopic=34732

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OH my god, this topic totally rocks...

I had already placed on my mind that I was asexual, for I never really experience primary sexual attraction - And bang, I discovered about the Secondary Sexual Attraction and somehow it fits...

I don't get all turned on or excited when encountered with some handsome guy/girl...I don't experience that like the majority of my friends do. I know it.

But when it comes to someone special..I might've thought about sexual interactiong with them but it's never as a primary target - All I want is cuddling, afection, imtimate situations but never sexual...but I've thought about it many times...and giving pleasure to that special person might sound like a possibility, for if I really love that person all I want it's to satisfy he/she. Although, as I mentioned, it's not a "must-do" thing. If it eventually happens, I guess I'll be ok with it, although I never feel as if it's -necessary-

I might be a demi/asexual =P

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I think I can qualify as a demiromantic asexual...

I'm definitely not demisexual though.

You're more romantically attracted to someone the more in love with said person you are? If you mean you are more romantically attracted to someone the more you know them as friends or acquaintances then that definitely makes sense.

I'd like a bit more explanation on why you say this; it doesn't quite fit into my definition of demi's, but I would appreciate an understanding of how you're trying to describe yourself.

I get crushes, but only on people I'm already really close friends with. It also happens very rarely.

I think it's best described as "I'm more romantically attracted to someone the more platonically close I am with said person."

Does this make sense?

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I think I can qualify as a demiromantic asexual...

I'm definitely not demisexual though.

You're more romantically attracted to someone the more in love with said person you are? If you mean you are more romantically attracted to someone the more you know them as friends or acquaintances then that definitely makes sense.

I'd like a bit more explanation on why you say this; it doesn't quite fit into my definition of demi's, but I would appreciate an understanding of how you're trying to describe yourself.

I get crushes, but only on people I'm already really close friends with. It also happens very rarely.

I think it's best described as "I'm more romantically attracted to someone the more platonically close I am with said person."

Does this make sense?

Yes it does, actually, and I think it describes a lot of people, myself included.

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Wow, I think this describes me (and also a friend of mine) pretty well . . . if you ever have a group that develope on something non-MySpace/Facebook (e.g., a Yahoo group or something) let me know . . .I'd be seriously interested in joining.

This seems to fit the fact that I get totally grossed out/scared (and not flattered) when someone is sexually attracted to me without knowing me, but would love it if some of the people whom I find emotionally/intellectually attractive felt emotionally/intellectually AND sexually attracted to me . . .

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A demisexual is, in my book at least, someone who does not experience sexual attraction to people in general. I've yet to see a single person and think "hot" or "10 out of 10" or "I'd like to hit that". Sex with someone rarely crosses my mind and when it does it's usually more along the lines of "could i force myself to with.... ew no".

In that respect, I can and do identify as asexual.

However, with someone I'm in love with, it's completely different, and I might as well be a "full fledged" sexual, but only with that one person. Full fledged meaning actually desiring sex, both for the physical and emotional aspect, being attracted to that special someone, and feeling sexual arousal in terms of wanting to do something on multiple levels instead of simply the biological reflex or "ugh not again".

Oh, wow. That sounds exactly like me. :mellow:

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metalgirl2045

There is a Fecbook group actually, but it's not very active.

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  • 1 month later...
A demisexual is, in my book at least, someone who does not experience sexual attraction to people in general. I've yet to see a single person and think "hot" or "10 out of 10" or "I'd like to hit that". Sex with someone rarely crosses my mind and when it does it's usually more along the lines of "could i force myself to with.... ew no".

In that respect, I can and do identify as asexual.

However, with someone I'm in love with, it's completely different, and I might as well be a "full fledged" sexual, but only with that one person. Full fledged meaning actually desiring sex, both for the physical and emotional aspect, being attracted to that special someone, and feeling sexual arousal in terms of wanting to do something on multiple levels instead of simply the biological reflex or "ugh not again".

Thanks for this. I think I've just discovered myself...which I will try to explain in my introduction thread. But thanks for this. :blush:

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Thanks for this. I think I've just discovered myself...which I will try to explain in my introduction thread. But thanks for this. :blush:

Congratulations and you're welcome! That's the whole reason this post exists, and we're glad it helped you :)

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:)

The only thing I'm in doubt here is the "connection". I explained my situation in my introduction thread: I've been attracted to only one person in my life, but I'm not in a relationship with them, nor I'll ever be. Yet, to put it bluntly, no one else turns me on in any way.

I assume I still fit into the description...?

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metalgirl2045

I never found a lack of possible relationship to get in the way of exclusive attraction.

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Glad to hear someone agrees. :)

The definition needs to be sliiiiiiiiiiightly changed.

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Guest Heligan
I developed the term primarily because of Rabger's model of human sexuality, which differentiates between "primary sexual attraction", which is that instant horniness most people get upon seeing a sexy member of the appropriate gender, and "secondary sexual attraction", which only builds with emotional intimacy. I have one but not the other, a sexual person has both, and an asexual has neither. Bam! New category!

So, what does it mean if I have primary physical attraction, but not secondary...as in, the thought of being emotionally AND physically intimate with someone turns me way off but I can imagine having sexual encounters with strangers, just for the fun* of it? (note that I say *imagine* here. Much safer in the imagination; no nasty diseases)

*it seems "fun" to me for several reasons, but mostly 'cuz I am a vain and insecure creature and knowing someone finds me attractive enough to also want to see me and touch me with my clothes off is way flattering and a nice ego boost.

Aromantic Sexual? But that implies you cant be romantic at all, which isnt exactly what you have said...umm

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metalgirl2045

Why does that mean it has to be changed? I don't think the "official" definition specifies anything about relationships or even the possibility.

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Why does that mean it has to be changed? I don't think the "official" definition specifies anything about relationships or even the possibility.

Doesn't at all. Relationships are in my opinion social constructs meant to be built around attraction, but they don't have to have anything to do with each other. There can be love without a relationship just as there can be relationships without love.

I've found out the hard way that there doesn't have to be a connection, it's all determined by feelings had for the person not the feelings the other person has. Me and my boyfriend recently broke up and I still have feelings for him and am thus still attracted to him, which is frustrating and annoying and makes it harder for me to get over him.

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I developed the term primarily because of Rabger's model of human sexuality, which differentiates between "primary sexual attraction", which is that instant horniness most people get upon seeing a sexy member of the appropriate gender, and "secondary sexual attraction", which only builds with emotional intimacy. I have one but not the other, a sexual person has both, and an asexual has neither. Bam! New category!

So, what does it mean if I have primary physical attraction, but not secondary...as in, the thought of being emotionally AND physically intimate with someone turns me way off but I can imagine having sexual encounters with strangers, just for the fun* of it? (note that I say *imagine* here. Much safer in the imagination; no nasty diseases)

*it seems "fun" to me for several reasons, but mostly 'cuz I am a vain and insecure creature and knowing someone finds me attractive enough to also want to see me and touch me with my clothes off is way flattering and a nice ego boost.

Aromantic Sexual? But that implies you cant be romantic at all, which isnt exactly what you have said...umm

The English term for this is Slut or Promiscuous.

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metalgirl2045

I've known some pretty promiscuous people who could fall in love, they were just promiscuous when not in a relationship.

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Guest Heligan
I developed the term primarily because of Rabger's model of human sexuality, which differentiates between "primary sexual attraction", which is that instant horniness most people get upon seeing a sexy member of the appropriate gender, and "secondary sexual attraction", which only builds with emotional intimacy. I have one but not the other, a sexual person has both, and an asexual has neither. Bam! New category!

So, what does it mean if I have primary physical attraction, but not secondary...as in, the thought of being emotionally AND physically intimate with someone turns me way off but I can imagine having sexual encounters with strangers, just for the fun* of it? (note that I say *imagine* here. Much safer in the imagination; no nasty diseases)

*it seems "fun" to me for several reasons, but mostly 'cuz I am a vain and insecure creature and knowing someone finds me attractive enough to also want to see me and touch me with my clothes off is way flattering and a nice ego boost.

Aromantic Sexual? But that implies you cant be romantic at all, which isnt exactly what you have said...umm

The English term for this is Slut or Promiscuous.

Im not sure thats true, it certainly could be mind you... but I dont see why it has to be- you could still be quite picky or have some 'buddy' type arrangement.

And slut or promiscuious implies some kind of raging libido, which isnt necessarily the case. Even if you have a raging libido, I suppose if you were aromantic and sexual you could avoid multiple real life partners by using porn or cyber sex.

Im certainly not comfotable equating the terms anyway, aromantic is not something someone can help after all and slut or promiscuious are pretty judging terms.

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metalgirl2045

I use "slut" and "promiscuous" because I can't think of anything which means the same but isn't considered an insult. "a person who has a lot of casual sex with a lot of people" doesn't work in conversation as well when one word is needed. I usually just use one of the "judging" words with a disclaimer that I mean it in a non-judgemental non-gender-specific way.

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Guest Heligan
I use "slut" and "promiscuous" because I can't think of anything which means the same but isn't considered an insult. "a person who has a lot of casual sex with a lot of people" doesn't work in conversation as well when one word is needed. I usually just use one of the "judging" words with a disclaimer that I mean it in a non-judgemental non-gender-specific way.

I suppose we could go all 60ish and call it 'free love' or 'recreational sex', but Im not sure being aromatic is necessary for either of those.

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I've known some pretty promiscuous people who could fall in love, they were just promiscuous when not in a relationship.

And some promiscuous polyamorous people who could do both at the same time without hurting anyone's feelings. Variety is... varietous!

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