Demi's

[BunnyK.]

"Grey-A" is a wide blanket term, encompassing all variations that aren't quite asexuality and aren't quite fully sexual either. "Demisexual" is a specific example, where a person lacks "primary sexual attraction", but has "secondary sexual attraction". Here's what Rabger's definitions had it:

Primary sexual attraction is an instant attraction to people based on instantly available information such as their looks or smell. It may or may not lead to arousal or sexual desire.

Secondary sexual attraction is an attraction that develops over time based on a person's relationship and emotional connection with another person.

If you feel Secondary but not Primary, congrats - you're probably Demisexual! Otherwise, well, you're probably some other flavour of Grey-A. Either way is totally cool. ^^

That's odd. By this definition I'd be much closer to demisexual than sexual, but in my own head I'd never consider myself anything but pretty much purely sexual.

I mean, I've maybe been spontaneously attracted to like 5 to 10 people in my whole life. I can look at someone and think that they're cute, or even that I would be turned on by their looks if the circumstances were right, but that doesn't necessarily translate to "Woo! Someone's in for a sexing!" It's happened before, but it's definitely not something that happens very often. And honestly, I get the feeling that a lot of sexuals, possibly especially females, experience sexuality similarly.

Do the demisexuals on this thread feel that sex is a necessary component of a relationship, or is it just something you feel you could do if you had to?

[Lunacy]

Do the demisexuals on this thread feel that sex is a necessary component of a relationship, or is it just something you feel you could do if you had to?

For me it's something that I could do if I had to, but I'd rather not if I had the choice. I really dont consider sex to be a necessary component in a relationship. Maybe that's were the difference betwen demis and sexuals comes in?

[OwlSaint]

In this case, "in my book" means Zealous invented the term and I modified and/or expounded on it.

Actually, I think there's another poster on this site who goes by "Zealous". You can call me Zeal though if you want...?

Ooops...

Yes, thanks to MSN I know you as Zeal... and that name was close... :X

Full credit to you =p

In other news, I FINALLY got Hallu to properly add Attraction meters onto the Radar Graph! Now Demisexuals are (more) accurately expressed! :lol:

Yay!! :D We kinda wrecked the 8 point thing though... ^_^

Do the demisexuals on this thread feel that sex is a necessary component of a relationship, or is it just something you feel you could do if you had to?

For me it's something that I could do if I had to, but I'd rather not if I had the choice. I really dont consider sex to be a necessary component in a relationship. Maybe that's were the difference betwen demis and sexuals comes in?

This one can depend on your interpretation of demisexual. As for myself, I would very much desire sex with someone that I was in love with, and emotional and physical intimacy on that level would be a definite must for me in the long run. However, I've never seen anyone as "hot" or waned to have sex with them because of physical attractiveness or seduction ability....

To me that's the definition of Demi; sexual with the individual(s) the person shares a romantic relationship with, asexual with everyone else. Other interpretations are welcome, this is just mine, and it works for me :)

Also, if "pure" asexuals get cake.... what do demi's get? We need an official snack!...

(Wait.... do gay/straight/bi have an official snack too?.... and if so.... *runs*)

[sonofzeal]

That's odd. By this definition I'd be much closer to demisexual than sexual, but in my own head I'd never consider myself anything but pretty much purely sexual.

I mean, I've maybe been spontaneously attracted to like 5 to 10 people in my whole life. I can look at someone and think that they're cute, or even that I would be turned on by their looks if the circumstances were right, but that doesn't necessarily translate to "Woo! Someone's in for a sexing!" It's happened before, but it's definitely not something that happens very often. And honestly, I get the feeling that a lot of sexuals, possibly especially females, experience sexuality similarly.

Do the demisexuals on this thread feel that sex is a necessary component of a relationship, or is it just something you feel you could do if you had to?

Interesting! It's hard talking about what's average here though - I've never been spontaneously sexually attracted to anyone that I can remember (as opposed to thinking them pretty, or wanting to cuddle them), and only ever felt ANY real sexual attraction for three people, but that's just me. But again, everything goes on a spectrum. You may be a "sexual with demi tendencies", or a "demi with exceptions", but either way I hope the concept helps open your mind and help you understand yourself better.

When I was new to AVEN, I felt that sex, in some form or other, was necessary. Now... I feel like it'd be nice, especially with someone I do have that feeling for, but I think I could have a satisfied relationship without it.

[Lunacy]

Ive thought about it, and I'm actually not sure about what I said earlier about sex in a relationship. It might actually be nice if it was with someone whom I deeply love. But I think I could only know the answer to that if I was in a relationship with that person on the first place. I've only been in a relationship once, and it wasn't such a passionate love relationship. For me it's the kind of thing I couldn't be 100% sure of until I'm in that situation.

I think I may be a "gray demi" in the sense that when I'm in love with someone, the physical attraction I have for them is extremely strong, but I instead of feeling the urge for sex, I have a deep desire to make out with them..... And I've noticed that most of the asexuals here don't enjoy kissing, while I do (particularly french kissing). That's one of the reasons why I suspect I might be demi.

[Hallucigenia]

When I was new to AVEN, I felt that sex, in some form or other, was necessary. Now... I feel like it'd be nice, especially with someone I do have that feeling for, but I think I could have a satisfied relationship without it.

You've been infected! :lol:

Anyway... I think a few people are getting confused, maybe? Or I am. Or something.

In my understanding, primary sexual attraction isn't always instant - for me, it almost always takes a few minutes (if not more) to build to a point where it's noticeable. The thing about primary sexual attraction is that it's based on factors other than your emotional relationship with the person - factors, such as looks, that you can notice without having any meaningful connection to the person at all.

And just because someone doesn't want to engage in casual sex doesn't mean they're demi. There are loads of reasons not to engage in casual sex (though they vary from person to person - I'm not trying to put anyone down who does get something out of that).

If you're not comfortable with casual sex, then it makes sense that your thoughts wouldn't go in that direction, even when you're attracted to a person you don't know. In that case, you might start thinking something like "Man, I wish I had a meaningful relationship with that person so I could get sexy with them" or whatever. As long as you don't actually have one, that's still very much primary attraction in my book.

Or I could be getting this totally wrong.

[Lunacy]

When I re-read my last posts, I realize I don't make much sense.... That's because I haven't even figured myself out yet. I hope I'm not twisting your definition of demi too much - sorry if I am. I'm still unsure about whether I'm asexual or not, and now that demisexuality comes in, I'm not even sure which one describes me best.

[OwlSaint]

When I re-read my last posts, I realize I don't make much sense.... That's because I haven't even figured myself out yet. I hope I'm not twisting your definition of demi too much - sorry if I am. I'm still unsure about whether I'm asexual or not, and now that demisexuality comes in, I'm not even sure which one describes me best.

Just invent words!

I'm thinking complaisant asexual would do nicely. You have no interest in self for yourself, but you're willing and/or eager to please a partner in that way.

You can still keep the demi-club jacket :D

[Lunacy]

Hey, thanks OwlSaint, "complaisant asexual" does fit nicely! I thought of inventing new words, but there are already so many asexual subcathegories, for me it's confusing enough the way it is! Not that I absolutely want to label myself, but words make it easier to understand oneself and be understood by others. And those subcathegories are just so much fun to play with!

I will stay in the demi club though! I still identify to it more than to just plain asexuality. And it sounds so good....from now on I think I might use the term: "Biromantic complaisant gray demisexual". Haha, it's really long. I'll call it gray demi for short.

Do you know if there might eventually be an AVEN dictionary available in the AVEN online store? I think it would interest a lot of people.

[JKBohemian]

Congrats on revealing all of that to a forum! I commend your courage.

I think I *could* be that way, but at the expense of completely humiliating myself, I wouldn't really know. First, I haven't had the feeling, but I don't know that I couldn't.

I should have figured out my asexual tendency (whatever term or degree may fit) when I felt so long that sex would be a concession. That said, if I found someone who fit me that well, I could be almost sexual... maybe... maybe not. It's all so confusing. But as I've said on another topic, I have a difference in a romantic attraction and a "just friends" attraction. I don't know if it's a demisexualness or hyposexualness or if it's just the way I view the relationship.

Way to go on figuring out who you are- be proud! It's an accomplishment many people never achieve, asexual or not.

[OwlSaint]

Hey, thanks OwlSaint, "complaisant asexual" does fit nicely! I thought of inventing new words, but there are already so many asexual subcathegories, for me it's confusing enough the way it is! Not that I absolutely want to label myself, but words make it easier to understand oneself and be understood by others. And those subcathegories are just so much fun to play with!

I will stay in the demi club though! I still identify to it more than to just plain asexuality. And it sounds so good....from now on I think I might use the term: "Biromantic complaisant gray demisexual". Haha, it's really long. I'll call it gray demi for short.

Do you know if there might eventually be an AVEN dictionary available in the AVEN online store? I think it would interest a lot of people.

Indeed. The purpose of this is not to sort people, it's to express people. If a box doesn't fit, we make new boxes :D

Our box has jackets! ^_^ Thanks for staying :D

And I don't know about an AVEN dictionary.... we should, we'd just have to make up enough words to fill enough pages ^_^

[sonofzeal]

And I don't know about an AVEN dictionary.... we should, we'd just have to make up enough words to fill enough pages ^_^

....or be sufficiently verbose in our definitions. ;)

[Gorax]

I couldn't possibly know whether I am demi-sexual, as I have never fallen in love, and doubt I ever will.

Same.

As for the whole love thing, there may be a few potentials, but there's the long-distance thing getting in the way.

[StHemingway]

Unless by demi you mean someone who also likes being on the receiving and not just the giving end. My curiosity makes me a giver, but receiving will just bore me.

I don't want to draw lines for demi. It's pretty much agreed on these forums that lines don't work for other sexual orientations, especially not asexuality. Why would it work for a subgroup of asexuality?

It's really up to you to decide, but to me the definition is to be like a sexual with the individual(s) you share a romantic connection and relationship with, but asexual with everyone else. I myself would consider it closer to gray-a than demi to want to please a partner but have no interest in sex for one's own pleasure. It's really up to you how you identify though.

Demi pride! ^_^ we so need a flag and a triangle.

Going to play devil's advocate here. Wouldn't sexuals just say to a self-identified demisexual, "You're just really picky." Does the distinction come in inner monologue? Someone who's really picky would be more inclined to date more frequently in the hopes of finding someone who meets the list of criteria, whereas a demisexual might need serendipity to facilitate crossing paths with someone who inspires immensely positive emotional feelings (which would then lead to the only instances of sexual activity the demisexual would want to or agree to experience)?

[sonofzeal]

Going to play devil's advocate here. Wouldn't sexuals just say to a self-identified demisexual, "You're just really picky." Does the distinction come in inner monologue? Someone who's really picky would be more inclined to date more frequently in the hopes of finding someone who meets the list of criteria, whereas a demisexual might need serendipity to facilitate crossing paths with someone who inspires immensely positive emotional feelings (which would then lead to the only instances of sexual activity the demisexual would want to or agree to experience)?

It's not a matter of being "picky", although it might seem that way to some. See, it's not that I object to other girls, or am holding out for stronger feelings, I just don't GET those kinds of feelings for most girls. I'm perfectly willing to cuddle, and if I'm not otherwise spoken for and they seem like a nice person I wouldn't mind doing a bit more, but that's because I still enjoy the physical sensations and the ego gratification, rather than any desire for that particular person. They could be an average girl on the street or a supermodel, and it wouldn't really make a difference.

[OwlSaint]

Going to play devil's advocate here. Wouldn't sexuals just say to a self-identified demisexual, "You're just really picky." Does the distinction come in inner monologue? Someone who's really picky would be more inclined to date more frequently in the hopes of finding someone who meets the list of criteria, whereas a demisexual might need serendipity to facilitate crossing paths with someone who inspires immensely positive emotional feelings (which would then lead to the only instances of sexual activity the demisexual would want to or agree to experience)?

In the same way a bi could say to an exclusive straight or gay person "you're just picky". It's pretty much the same thing in my opinion.

To use the specific example of myself.... and be nice, because this is the most I've told most anyone about myself and my relationships.... as some of you know, I happen to have a long-distance husband, and I am truly in love with him. Now, being a demi, I am not sexually attracted to anyone other than him. I've never seen anyone as "hot", and the idea of sex with anyone besides my husband grosses me out or leaves me cold. In fact I'm fairly sure that if I was not in love with my husband like I am now, then it would be the same with him. However, because of my relationship with hubby and all the connection we share, I do want and desire sex with him. That is to me the definition of a demi.

If all else fails, I'll just say I have an exclusive fetish for romance and emotional connection and that all else grosses me out =p

It's not a matter of being "picky", although it might seem that way to some. See, it's not that I object to other girls, or am holding out for stronger feelings, I just don't GET those kinds of feelings for most girls. I'm perfectly willing to cuddle, and if I'm not otherwise spoken for and they seem like a nice person I wouldn't mind doing a bit more, but that's because I still enjoy the physical sensations and the ego gratification, rather than any desire for that particular person. They could be an average girl on the street or a supermodel, and it wouldn't really make a difference.

Hmmmmm, I find this oddly intriguing and I'm not sure why....

[AVENCakes]

I call Demis [Name]sexual after the comics I've seen it in. ^^; Candi is... [whatever her boyfriend's name is]sexual, Grace is Teddsexual, Collin was Foxsexual then became gay, and I know I'm missing some.

Honestly, I like that idea because it's less about the sex than it is about making the person you really care about happy and being with them and stuff. I don't think I am, because I really can't see myself doing anything like that no matter how much I like a person, but if I had to choose between being demisexual or sexual I'd rather be demi-.

[BunnyK.]

Honestly, I like that idea because it's less about the sex than it is about making the person you really care about happy and being with them and stuff. I don't think I am, because I really can't see myself doing anything like that no matter how much I like a person, but if I had to choose between being demisexual or sexual I'd rather be demi-.

I think this is kind of an unfair thing to say - for most sexuals in a relationship, the sex IS about making the person you're with happy and being with them. It doesn't make it less so just because you are attracted to people.

[arzacx]

i cant understand what does it mean "demi"?

[sonofzeal]

I call Demis [Name]sexual after the comics I've seen it in. ^^; Candi is... [whatever her boyfriend's name is]sexual, Grace is Teddsexual, Collin was Foxsexual then became gay, and I know I'm missing some.

Honestly, I like that idea because it's less about the sex than it is about making the person you really care about happy and being with them and stuff. I don't think I am, because I really can't see myself doing anything like that no matter how much I like a person, but if I had to choose between being demisexual or sexual I'd rather be demi-.

Not really.

Primary Sexual Attraction: Sexual attraction to someone based on information you get instantly, like their looks or smell.

Secondary Sexual Attraction: Sexual attraction to someone based on the relationship you have with them.

Primary Sexual Desire: Wanting to do something sexual because it'll feel good to you (physically or emotionally).

Secondary Sexual Desire: Wanting to do something sexual because of your partner's pleasure, or for some other motivation such as conceiving a child.

Demi's don't have Primary Sexual Attraction. They DO (potentially) have Primary Sexual Desire. Demi's are liable to be just as selfish in bed as other people, they just are less likely to get into bed with someone they don't love.

i cant understand what does it mean "demi"?

"Demi" is a latin prefix meaning "half". Demisexuals lack one major facet of Sexual Attraction but have the other, hence "Demi-sexual".

[OwlSaint]

Very accurate and informative post there, Zeal! :D Hope now it makes more sense to everyone else now.

[StHemingway]

It's not a matter of being "picky", although it might seem that way to some. See, it's not that I object to other girls, or am holding out for stronger feelings, I just don't GET those kinds of feelings for most girls. I'm perfectly willing to cuddle, and if I'm not otherwise spoken for and they seem like a nice person I wouldn't mind doing a bit more, but that's because I still enjoy the physical sensations and the ego gratification, rather than any desire for that particular person. They could be an average girl on the street or a supermodel, and it wouldn't really make a difference.

In the same way a bi could say to an exclusive straight or gay person "you're just picky". It's pretty much the same thing in my opinion.

To use the specific example of myself.... and be nice, because this is the most I've told most anyone about myself and my relationships.... as some of you know, I happen to have a long-distance husband, and I am truly in love with him. Now, being a demi, I am not sexually attracted to anyone other than him. I've never seen anyone as "hot", and the idea of sex with anyone besides my husband grosses me out or leaves me cold. In fact I'm fairly sure that if I was not in love with my husband like I am now, then it would be the same with him. However, because of my relationship with hubby and all the connection we share, I do want and desire sex with him. That is to me the definition of a demi.

I see what both of you are saying. To use a sports metaphor (rather than a food one), being a demisexual is like someone who generally doesn't care to or find any enjoyment in watching a particular sporting event (on TV or at a stadium) unless a specific team is playing? "I don't like football/don't feel one way or another, but I'll watch it if the Cowboys are playing." ?

[OwlSaint]

I see what both of you are saying. To use a sports metaphor (rather than a food one), being a demisexual is like someone who generally doesn't care to or find any enjoyment in watching a particular sporting event (on TV or at a stadium) unless a specific team is playing? "I don't like football/don't feel one way or another, but I'll watch it if the Cowboys are playing." ?

Close. It is like "I don't care about sports for the most part, but since me and the Auburn Tigers are in love with each other, I enjoy watching their games and make an effort to see watch them."

But yes, I hope that clarifies. At least that's how I feel as a demi :) Don't ask me how someone can have romantic love for a sports team (or the team have it back) but it's a mataphor :D

Also shameless promotion for the extended family's favorite school football team *cough*

[sonofzeal]

I see what both of you are saying. To use a sports metaphor (rather than a food one), being a demisexual is like someone who generally doesn't care to or find any enjoyment in watching a particular sporting event (on TV or at a stadium) unless a specific team is playing? "I don't like football/don't feel one way or another, but I'll watch it if the Cowboys are playing." ?

.....yeah, that's pretty accurate. Or, put another way... "I can enjoy a game of football, but the Cowboys are the only team I get really excited about."

Or something.

Basically what I'm trying to emphasize is that Demisexuals (heck, even some asexuals) aren't necessarily averse or even particularly indifferent about sex in general. Some actively enjoy it on one level or another. I know that, were I to start grinding with a cute girl, I'd have normal, enjoyable male reactions to physical stimuli, and could if I chose proceed to do the funky and have a nice time of it. I could imagine actively seeking out people with which to have this experience, too. In that case, the distinction becomes increasingly subtle, but is still there - I simply do no experience Primary Sexual Attraction. Nothing more, nothing less. In your sports-based metaphore, you could say that an average sports fan can watch any given game and root enthusiastically for one team or the other, whereas I, while I enjoy the game and may go out of my way to get tickets, only ever sincerely cheer for my favorite team. An asexual on the other hand would tend to see all teams more equally and not get really into any of them. But then we're ignoring the whole issue of Romantic Attraction, and the metaphor falls apart. =P

[AVENCakes]

Primary Sexual Attraction: Sexual attraction to someone based on information you get instantly, like their looks or smell.

Secondary Sexual Attraction: Sexual attraction to someone based on the relationship you have with them.

Primary Sexual Desire: Wanting to do something sexual because it'll feel good to you (physically or emotionally).

Secondary Sexual Desire: Wanting to do something sexual because of your partner's pleasure, or for some other motivation such as conceiving a child.

Demi's don't have Primary Sexual Attraction. They DO (potentially) have Primary Sexual Desire. Demi's are liable to be just as selfish in bed as other people, they just are less likely to get into bed with someone they don't love.

I'm not saying it's not selfish in bed, but just that they're less likely to get into bed with somebody they don't love means something to me. Then, I'm weird.

I think this is kind of an unfair thing to say - for most sexuals in a relationship, the sex IS about making the person you're with happy and being with them. It doesn't make it less so just because you are attracted to people.

yeah... one night stands are really about making the other person happy. I so cared about... oh, what was their name again? Y'know, the cute chick I met at the bar last week. At least, I hope she was cute. I was a bit wasted at the time. ...Oh %$#@, I really hope she actually was a she. (not saying all sexuals are. Not even saying a lot are. Or more than 2.)

I'm not saying that they can't- but it's not as much of a chunk as you'd figure it is in demis. And I'm sure that when you cheat on your boy/girl/whateverfriend: that's really about their happiness.

[OwlSaint]

yeah... one night stands are really about making the other person happy. I so cared about... oh, what was their name again? Y'know, the cute chick I met at the bar last week. At least, I hope she was cute. I was a bit wasted at the time. ...Oh %$#@, I really hope she actually was a she. (not saying all sexuals are. Not even saying a lot are. Or more than 2.)

I'm not saying that they can't- but it's not as much of a chunk as you'd figure it is in demis. And I'm sure that when you cheat on your boy/girl/whateverfriend: that's really about their happiness.

It's really difficult to explain.

Yes, there are a lot of people that on different levels don't care about their partner or don't care about emotional attachment. This, like everything else, is different for everyone.

Sexual attraction is usually independent from emotional connection (you don't have to be in love to find someone hot, and last time I checked being in love did not make the person hotter), as are physical sexual desire and usually physical response (you don't have to be in love to get horny or be in love with your hand to relieve yourself).

And then there's emotional desire, which does stem from emotional connection. I feel that my love for my husband creates in me a desire to be in that intimate situation, both for my gratification and for his.

Everyone is different in how strong each force is and the connection. Some people have higher physical desire for gratification and lower desire for emotional intimacy via sex, that person will be more likely to seek out one night stands, whores, whatever. For someone that leans more the other way, sex will probably not be satisfying without the strong emotional connection. That person would avoid one night stands and such and only seek out sex with a lover.

Everyone is different.

Being demi doesn't necessarily mean that a person has a higher emotional intimacy desire though, it just means that we don't see anyone as sexually attractive, while in (most) other respects we're in the usual ranges on the sexual spectrum. Basically we just don't see the commercials, but fall into the common ranges for why/when/how we like the product.

[Lirelyn]

This is all very interesting. I might be best described as a demi also. Hard to tell, since I haven't been in a fully sexual relationship ever, and have only been in love about twice. I'll file it under "hypotheses" in my personal identity cabinet.

One thing that's curious to me is how demi's would choose a person to be in a relationship with. Obviously, since they're not sexually attracted to people in general, sexual attraction isn't really a factor. Or is it? Since you become sexually attracted to the person after you've fallen in love, is there something in your initial encounters with the person that you see (in retrospect, at least) as being kind of a potential sexual attraction? Some kind of spark or connection, even if it has nothing to do with physicality? Or is it more like just getting close to a person, getting to know them, and then all of a sudden realizing you're in love with them and feeling the sexual attraction turn on?

[cadmiumblimp]

I was hoping a demisexual would be someone who would only have sex with Demi Moore. If that were the case, they would get all my sympathy.

[sonofzeal]

I was hoping a demisexual would be someone who would only have sex with Demi Moore. If that were the case, they would get all my sympathy.

Well, if one of us was in a deep emotional relationship with Demi Moore, that might be true!

[OwlSaint]

I was hoping a demisexual would be someone who would only have sex with Demi Moore. If that were the case, they would get all my sympathy.

Well, if one of us was in a deep emotional relationship with Demi Moore, that might be true!

Better than someone who assumed the "demi" meaning "half" to mean that we could, but only halfway.

*runs*