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Help! How can I live without sex?


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#1 Gspot

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Posted 05 February 2008 - 12:45 AM

It has been 7 years I have been in a relationship with a man who has not ONCE initiated sex. Whenever I bring it up, he has excuses and then maybe
will agree, without much happiness, and touch me to orgasm.

I have finally researched and today found out about asexuals and I am so
relieved. Finally I can begin to feel this is just how he is and not an abandonment of me.

I have thought for years he must be having an affair, or into children or some other perversity, since his desire was absent.


At first when we did have intercourse, he was a premature ejaculator, at other times impotent, at other times teasing and flirtatious but not into sex.

A few times he has said he wants to not have sex and could we just be friends. He also asks me to marry him often, which I have not been able to agree to because I have felt so unloved.

For me sex is an important way I receive love. I can't imagine the rest of my life with a person who doesnt want sex with me.

I also love him and can not imagine living without him as a partner.

Yes I have felt a lack of desire to be alive, in moments where sex could have brought back some happiness to my life after a parent died, there
was none.

How can I live without sex? Ive done it for years already and my Dr. says that I am deteriorating inside (vagina). I think the energy in my body needs to move in order for me to live.

I know that there are some people on this earth that live without eating food. Breatharians. I suspect they are advanced genetically.

I am not judgemental.. it is possible that a lack of sexual desire is also
a genetic improvement and maybe could even lead to somehow having
children without sex. I am very open minded.

I know how to love.

But how.. how... how... can I live without sex for the rest of my life.
I could cry all night long and all day. My body needs to feel the
aliveness that sex gives me, both the excitement and the orgasm.
And it is not the same doing it alone.

Thanks everyone here for listening, both those who are with asexuals
and those who are asexuals.

Pretty heavy first post eh :wink: :)
Gspot

#2 John Bayko

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Posted 05 February 2008 - 03:07 AM

It has been 7 years I have been in a relationship with a man who has not ONCE initiated sex. Whenever I bring it up, he has excuses and then maybe will agree, without much happiness, and touch me to orgasm.

I have finally researched and today found out about asexuals and I am so relieved. Finally I can begin to feel this is just how he is and not an abandonment of me.

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad you can start to feel better and start to understand what's going on. Maybe it'll help him to read this site too, but remember that he might be a bit defensive about the idea to begin with.

I hope you'll be able to talk to him about it.

How can I live without sex? Ive done it for years already and my Dr. says that I am deteriorating inside (vagina). I think the energy in my body needs to move in order for me to live.

Some people might not think that's possible, but it's true, without regular use, vaginas can shrink. It might be worthwhile getting something you could use for it occasionally for medical purposes.

I know that there are some people on this earth that live without eating food. Breatharians. I suspect they are advanced genetically.

"Breatharians" have usually been caught sneaking food. I don't think they're real.

#3 Olivier

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Posted 05 February 2008 - 04:15 AM

I have finally researched and today found out about asexuals and I am so relieved. Finally I can begin to feel this is just how he is and not an abandonment of me.

It's a good feeling, isn't it?

But how.. how... how... can I live without sex for the rest of my life. I could cry all night long and all day. My body needs to feel the
aliveness that sex gives me, both the excitement and the orgasm. And it is not the same doing it alone.

Well maybe it's time to think outside the square: how would your partner feel about you doing it together, but without his direct sexual involvement? Would he kiss you and hold you while you used your hands or a toy to achieve orgasm?

Pretty heavy first post eh :wink: :)

Pretty typical first post, actually. :wink: You are not alone in how you feel.

#4 lastditchattempt

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Posted 05 February 2008 - 06:14 PM

There is no way breatharians are real.

#5 Chiaroscuro

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Posted 05 February 2008 - 07:22 PM

There is no way breatharians are real.


When i was a kid I loved Conan the Bretharian. Can you believe he's governor of California now?
Man ist seines eigenes Glückes Schmied
We are responsible for our own happiness
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#6 < retired >

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Posted 06 February 2008 - 02:31 AM

...he has said he wants to not have sex and could we just be friends. He also asks me to marry him often...

...I can't imagine the rest of my life with a person who doesnt want sex with me. I ...can not imagine living without him as a partner...


The two statements above are contradictions, so I can understand why you're a bit confused.

I guess there are three possibilities if you want to stay together:
1. "Fix" him; you don't change
2. "Fix" you; he doesn't change
3. You both change.

Your first step is to discuss your issues with him. His behavior during this discussion will give you an idea of what to do next.

#7 Peach

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Posted 08 February 2008 - 04:15 PM

For me sex is an important way I receive love. I can't imagine the rest of my life with a person who doesnt want sex with me.

how.. how... how... can I live without sex for the rest of my life.
I could cry all night long and all day. My body needs to feel the
aliveness that sex gives me, both the excitement and the orgasm.
And it is not the same doing it alone.

those ideas seem very alien to me... but each to their own :)

as no 2 people on the planet have identical views and needs, every relationship needs some degree of compromise, whether it's just a little or a lot, somewhere.
i guess sex is the area in which you and him need to find a happy medium.
so number 3 on ChooseYourBattles' list of possibilities - it's the fairest.
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#8 Gspot

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Posted 18 February 2008 - 02:02 AM

Thankyou to everyone who responded to my situation, and the interesting and excellent advice and feedback. Also thanks to those who emailed me privately.

Compromise is happening. It not a perfect relationship, but then neither of us have a perfect relationship with our own selves, so hey... we can work this out. It has really helped knowing that it is not a rejection of me.

From what I read here, I think my partner is on the edge of being asexual, meaning he has some sexual interest, but way below normal in terms of quantity and intensity. I love him so much and I know he loves me and we are both making efforts.

Thanks for being there to help me figure all this out!!

#9 OwlSaint

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Posted 18 February 2008 - 03:38 AM

Good to hear that things are looking up for you, and good luck in the future :)

Demi Pride!

We have a facebook group now!!
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#10 AdventSign

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Posted 28 February 2008 - 05:26 PM

:) alot of people would have just given up on him or cheat on him...I am proud of you for sticking with him for that long it shows how dedicated you are to him. It must be hard for him as well. Knowing you can't please your partner is the worst thing in the world. :( Give him a hug and a kiss and cuddle! It helps when you know you have each other! :)
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I have created over a thousand blades.
Unknown to death, nor known to life.
Have withstood pain to create many weapons.
Yet those hands will never hold anything.
So, as I pray - Unlimited Blade Works.

#11 camaro72

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Posted 16 September 2008 - 05:48 PM

Thanks for your comments. I am just replying to your February comment, as I just "found" the Aven Web site.

I know what you are going though. I have been trying to figure out what happened in our marriage for the past 15 years. We were married 14 years before then and everything seemed right (to me), as I enjoyed sex with my wife. What I didn't realize was that it was not such a pleasant experience for her and she had not been having any orgasms, no matter what I did. But, as a typical male, I enjoyed my release.

There is a 20 year difference in our age -- with me being older -- and I still enjoy sex.I would much rather have a warm and affectionate wife, but after reading the artiicles on this Website, I can see that she is asexual. I had been looking for a cause for my situation.

Camaro72

#12 Sally

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Posted 16 September 2008 - 09:42 PM

I guess there are three possibilities if you want to stay together:
1. "Fix" him; you don't change
2. "Fix" you; he doesn't change
3. You both change.


There are two other possibilities for staying together, much more realistic than fixing or changing. If the sexuality or asexuality is natural to the person, there's no "fixing", nor would either want to change.

4. Arrive at a compromise, as suggested by a poster above. Neither of you get exactly what you want, but each gets something.
5. If you really need full-fledged sex and don't want to leave him, find someone else to fill your sexual needs.

There's simply no easy way out to this.

I don't do PMs -- everything I want to say is in my posts where everyone can read them.    ;) 





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