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Introduction and question on asexuality


bydefault

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Hi,

I feel very awkward stepping forward and introducing myself but then again I've felt awkward all of my life so here goes nothing.

Let me start be saying I cannot claim to be an asexual but I wish I could be. Maybe you could call me a "dysexual" for my having a dysfunctional sexuality? Note: This is not the same as sexual dysfunction - physically everything works - it's just the whole package that is a problem.

While I am pleased to be anatomically male with no desire to cross-dress, mentally and emotionally I definitely seem to be in closer alignment with the feminine. Yet, I have always been emotionally and physically attracted to women and have no desire to form friendships with men.

I suppose this makes me a male lesbian but one who has no urge to dress up, act flamboyantly or be involved with a "butch" female. I hasten to add that I am not denouncing those who have these desires. I write this in the same vein that someone might describe their dislike for spinach or some other food. I have no interest in the "male culture" which I find shocking and/or disgusting.

My life so far? Well, I am a recently divorced (her decision after 15 years of marriage) 42 year-old male with no kids (she didn't want any) who is trying to rediscover himself. I have been searching extensively on the internet to try to better understand who I am as a person and have come to learn that, in addition to my male lesbianism, I am an avoidant - someone with Avoidant Personality Disorder.

What this means, in layman's terms, is that a sissy, gutless wonder like myself has a snowball's chance in hell of forming a romantic relationship. :cry:

It would be so much easier for me to live as an asexual and I wonder if this could be an aquired trait or are people just born asexual?

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Greetings.

I'm more than twenty years your junior, and I don't have nearly the life experience that you have, but maybe something I say can help anyway.

To start with, though there's no firm answer on what asexuality is, the majority view here seems to be that it is a sexual orientation. So, at the age of 42, I don't think there's much that you can do about it. It is entirely possible that you can be celibate from now on, though.

I admit, I wouldn't have thought a male lesbian would be possible. I always thought that the definition of lesbian required it to be a woman. My beliefs have been known to be completely wrong from time to time, though, and it's entirely possible that this is one of those times. That said, I see "masculine" and "feminine" to be cultural constructs, more or less, with no bearing on what any single person should like/dislike. There's a bunch of things about me that some might label as feminine, there's a bunch of other things about me that others might label masculine, and there's a bunch of other things about me that others wouldn't be able to agree on a label for. None of that stops me from being me.

If you really want to go out and meet people, but you don't think that you can or you're afraid to, then you really might want to seek therapy about that. If you're just more comfortable not being very social, however, and the thought of having a disorder never came to you until you found out about it online, then it's possible you're just not a social person. It happens, and the Internet has been known to bolster hypochondria in otherwise rational people. I'd also be wary about receiving medical advice via random websites on the Internet (er, including this paragraph, I suppose).

You don't strike me as a "sissy, gutless wonder." You signed up and posted on an online forum about it, with little idea of how people would react. That alone takes a good deal of effort and confidence. On top of that, you did find someone before, right? Well, if you did it once before, you can do it again!

Best of luck to you! :D :cake:

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Ithilorn, thank you for your kind response.

Regarding celibacy: yes, that's been my life for the last four years now - even before my divorce.

On male lesbianism: that's just a term I encountered which serves the function, as labels do, of providing a shortcut to describe the functioning of a group of objects or persons.

On the dangers of internet self-analysis: I recognize what you're saying but it's a matter of "if the shoe fits..." and the clinical definition of Avoidant Personality Disorder describes me perfectly. APD is described as a borderline personality disorder resulting in behavior which can be modified somewhat so it is a prime candidate for therapy. :)

Your comment on "life experience" I hear constantly as nearly everyone I work with is half my age. This is what you would expect from someone my age but when it comes to interpersonal dynamics I am totally clueless. This is one reason my ex-wife was so insistent on divorcing me.

Before meeting her in college I was a total loner/geek who had never kissed or dated anyone. She was on the rebound from a bad relationship and just latched onto me. I moved in with her the day after we met and eventually we got married. As the years went by I realized that although I loved her (and still do) she really didn't love me. She is a very outgoing and assertive person where I am not and she accused me using her as a crutch to cover up my awkwardness and reluctance in dealing with social situations. She said she was tired of enabling my remaining in an emotional "stasis field" socially.

At the risk of indulging in more self-analysis I'll propose that perhaps my desire for asexuality is another attempt to avoid confronting my APD. Still, I do envy those who are asexual. I would imagine that it is a truly liberating experience whereas celibacy "by default" is not. :(

P.S. My "sissy, gutless wonder" and boohoo emoticon was just the drama queen in me rising to the surface but it doesn't take a lot of self-confidence or courage to post in a relatively anonymous forum. Thanks for the cake, though. :mrgreen:

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Hello, welcome to AVEN - here's some of our traditional :cake:.

I'm an extremely likely candidate for having a social anxiety disorder (it could even be APD, but the wikipedia article on social anxiety disorders spoke to me a lot more, especially since being in social situations does induce symptoms of, and occasionally full-blown, panic attacks), and have always wondered if there's a link of sorts between that - which was caused mainly, I think, by rejection - and my developing as an asexual. However, I do still feel romantic attraction to others, and spent much of much of my life since puberty mistaking this for sexual attraction, even though I didn't actually want sex. It wasn't until I actually stopped and really thought about it that I realised what I was actually feeling, and that it was different from what almost everyone else was.

No, I have no idea why I'm saying this - I knew at one point, but then had to go off and have lunch and now I've lost my line of thought completely... :?

Anyway, it's certainly possible to be a male lesbian - to me, it's one of these things in which all that matters is how you percieve yourself. If you see yourself more as a female, in spite of your physical sex, who's attracted to other females, then there's nothing stopping you being a male lesbian; even though technically, I guess, you're hetero-sexual/-romantic/-whatever.

:lol: I don't think I've managed to explain anything in all my rambling about goodness-knows-what, so perhaps I shall leave it at this, and I might come back and have another go once I untangle my brain from the knot I've got it in - sexuality and gender are so confusing an awful lot of the time.

I hope you enjoy AVEN, and hopefully you will find someone to have a very happy relationship with. :D

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Hi nad welcome.

Have some more :cake:

Labels are only useful if you want to use them. You sound as if perhaps you are celibate rather than asexual. Since asexuals can and do have sex.

Hope AVEN helps you figure things out.

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Again, thanks for the welcome and :cake:

I look forward to learning more from you wonderful folks here at AVEN.

If not engaging in sexual activity these past four years, besides masturbation, is considered celibacy then yes, I am celibate but I find this situation so frustrating that I would rather be a "true asexual" whatever that might mean. Forgive me, I imagined that asexuals were people comfortable with who they were and had no desire for sex. I am still trying to wrap my brain around the concept of what makes someone an asexual. I can understand there are asexuals who might want a romantic relationship without having sex but what about those who do have sex and still consider themselves asexual? Can someone please explain how this works?

For myself, I would consider romantic love essential in any relationship beyond a strictly platonic one. Sexual activity would be nice but not absolutely necessary.

I think I'll explore this site some more now while I enjoy this fantastic :cake::wink:

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I would say that perhaps the majority of this board experience some sort of purely romantic attraction (in varying degrees of strength), be it hetero-romantic, bi-romantic, or homo-romantic. You also get the aromantics, who experience no desire for romantic closeness/relationships.

Many members have had sex with previous partners, and some even have sex on a regular basis, but are still asexual because they don't experience sexual attraction to other people. The main difference, I think, between sexuals and asexuals is that a sexual sees someone and wants sex with them; whereas asexuals, provided they experience romantic attraction, desire emotional (and some of the time physical up to the point of sex (hugging and - sometimes - kissing) closeness with the other person.

I think, from what little experience I have on these boards, it can be said that most members are indifferent to, and have no particular desire for, sex, and so actually having it doesn't stop them being asexual - much in the same way that a heterosexual having homosexual sex does not make xem homosexual (and vice versa, of course).

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Okay, so asexuals can be hetero-romantic, bi-romantic, homo-romantic or aromantic.

Whoa, my head hurts now :lol:

To simplify things a bit - they either feel romantically attracted to others or not.

Now, what I've picked up on is that there are asexuals who have sex to please their romantic partner. There are also asexuals who may have sex in the form of masturbation simply as a release (like having a good cry) and they do not desire another person sexually.

I think I'm getting the hang of this. My earlier misunderstanding was based on the assumption that all asexuals were celibate aromantics.

So, while I'm not a full-blown asexual, I may have romantic asexual tendencies in that I have a very strong need for romantic love and a far weaker need for sexual love. Sorry, I know it's a stretch - I'd like to at least think of myself as an "honorary asexual". Do I get "brownie points" for not having a sexual partner in over four years? 8)

Thank you, Aleski. Here, have some :cake:

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Bydefault, you get extra :cake::cake::cake::cake::cake: from me for possibly being the worlds first asexual groupie! :lol:

Seriously, I've known a couple guys who could easily fall into the 'male-lesbian' catagory and yea, they had a bumpier road the your average Mr. Macho Man, but they still found potential partners. Now I don't know what your idea of a "butch" female is but I will note, that yes these guys would end up with more assertive women. Not manly women, but not your timid and super girly types either. I guess it's the whole yin-yang thing, but who knows, I am far from expert in this catagory!

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