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Aromantic?


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#1 GirlInside

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Posted 16 November 2007 - 10:50 PM

I think I might be aromantic in addition to being asexual.

For many years, I wanted more than anything to get into a romantic relationship. Now that I've fallen in love and had a brief relationship (I mean really brief), I'm not so interested. I don't really like that drug-like feeling of being in love; it's like being hypnotized cartoon-style into doing things that I would never do while sober. What I really want is the kind of love that comes after the emotional roller coaster we call being in love. If love worked like it does in the Disney movies, I would love to get into a relationship.

Plus, I don't want to have to take the male role in any way in a relationship. If you can't understand why, just take my word for it: it's suffocating for me. In short, I don't want to be someone's boyfriend; I want to be someone's girlfriend.

Because I live as a man (and look too masculine to pass as a woman), no one who wants a woman will want me, and because anyone who's attracted to men will want someone who's a man inside and out, that leaves them out, too. Even many masculine gay men prefer to be with other masculine gay men, to the point of writing "NO FEMS" in their personal ads; I hear that feminine gay men have trouble finding love because of this. My only real hope is to find a someone who wants to take the male role and wants someone like me--whether they're male or female. And if I do find someone like that, there are so many other areas in which we'd have to be compatible--which makes the pool of available people that much smaller. I understand that such people are rare and that I might never find someone compatible.

And yet, I want to have someone to love "in that way" who loves me back. Someone (either sex) whose girlfriend I can be. At the same time, I know this is hard to find, and I'm prepared to wait until the next life to find love. I'd love to have someone to love, but I want the female role and just want love instead of that initial period of insanity. I'm willing to go through "falling in love" in order to have someone to love, but I am NOT--repeat, NOT--willing to take the male role. I'd rather die without ever having been in a relationship than take the male role.

So, does all this mean I'm aromantic? I'd be interested to hear some opinions.
I became a practicing Roman Catholic near the end of 2010. Six months later, out of my own free will, out of love for Our Blessed Lord Jesus Christ, I walked away from all things transgender and have not gone back since. I stopped identifying as female and came to embrace my God-given sex (male). I am happy being male and would not have it any other way. I am still celibate, because God has called me to it, in case anyone is wondering.

I no longer believe the things I posted here, unless some of them happen to be in line with Scripture and Church teaching. Some people here have sent me messages; to avoid any further misunderstandings, I have written this explanation in my signature.

The important thing for you to know is, I am so much happier as a Christian than I ever was prior to my conversion. Please do not be offended by my mentioning it.

#2 Hayley

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Posted 16 November 2007 - 10:57 PM

My way of thinking is blunt and simple. You desire a romantic relationship? Yes? Then you're not aromantic, regardless of preferences or history. :?
Only you can say what you are though, either way. Nobody else knows how you feel that well.
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#3 GirlInside

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Posted 16 November 2007 - 11:04 PM

My way of thinking is blunt and simple. You desire a romantic relationship? Yes? Then you're not aromantic, regardless of preferences or history. :?


That's the thing; I'm not sure if it counts if I want a romantic relationship, but only under a specific set of conditions.

If I loved someone, I would enjoy sex with them--but only if it were in the right way; I'm more of a Grey-A than a full asexual.
I became a practicing Roman Catholic near the end of 2010. Six months later, out of my own free will, out of love for Our Blessed Lord Jesus Christ, I walked away from all things transgender and have not gone back since. I stopped identifying as female and came to embrace my God-given sex (male). I am happy being male and would not have it any other way. I am still celibate, because God has called me to it, in case anyone is wondering.

I no longer believe the things I posted here, unless some of them happen to be in line with Scripture and Church teaching. Some people here have sent me messages; to avoid any further misunderstandings, I have written this explanation in my signature.

The important thing for you to know is, I am so much happier as a Christian than I ever was prior to my conversion. Please do not be offended by my mentioning it.

#4 Hayley

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Posted 16 November 2007 - 11:08 PM

[That's the thing; I'm not sure if it counts if I want a romantic relationship, but only under a specific set of conditions.

I still look at that as wanting a relationship. We all have preferences and conditions, just because your's may be more specific and/or strongly enforced than other's doesn't make you aromantic. That'd be like telling asexuals who will only date other asexuals that they are aromantic.
GO FOR THE EYES, BOO, GO FOR THE EYES!!



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Busy mama to a renegade toddler.

#5 cyan

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Posted 16 November 2007 - 11:09 PM

It's very interesting that you ask that question ... I must say that my knee-jerk reaction is to say "No, it sounds like you're romantic to me." But ... I think that's because of my own biases.

I want a relationship, but, like you, am more interested in the "love" part than the "in love" part. I'm crushing pretty hard on someone right now, and in some ways it's kind of fun (in a "I didn't know it was possible for me to hit that many moods in that short a period of time :shock:" sort of way), but it's also pretty exhausting. I wouldn't want it to be like this forever.

I'm not all that interested in the trappings of a relationship that are normally called "romantic" -- giving flowers, that sort of thing. I'm looking for codependence and trust and emotional intimacy and someone who makes me happy just by being there. It sounds like you're the same.

Also like you, while I really want all these things, I'm not going to force the issue. If I find someone, great! If I don't, I'm not going to go out and chase around and spend all my time being emo about not having someone to love. (Just, you know, the occasional evening when I'm in a bad mood and can't think of anything more constructive to think about :wink:)

So ... I condense the above paragraphs into calling myself "romantic", which is the reasoning behind my knee-jerk response at the top. It really depends on how you define the word, tho, I suspect. Thanks for giving me some food for thought. :)

And, FWIW ... I'm not entirely sure what (who) I'm searching for. I don't know that I could handle taking on the "male role" all the time, but I also think the "female role" would drive me crazy just as quickly. (I'm female-bodied, shading towards agender, for the record.) So your pool of acceptable candidates may be rather smaller than most -- I would say mine probably is, too -- but I wouldn't give up just yet.

I'm curious ... if you don't mind me partially hijacking the thread ... how would you define "male role" and "female role", exactly, anyhow?
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#6 AVENCakes

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Posted 16 November 2007 - 11:22 PM

Sounds like you're romantic but accepting of the fact that you're unlikely to find what you want.

I don't know about me, might be the same. I don't know if I want a romantic relationship (cuz I'm not sure what it means), but I like fem guys and am neutrois, so I want a guy who's ok with the fact that I'm asexual and don't really consider myself a girl. I also consider the "with benefits" idea of friends to be hugs.... so, yeah.
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#7 GirlInside

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Posted 17 November 2007 - 05:42 PM

I'm not all that interested in the trappings of a relationship that are normally called "romantic" -- giving flowers, that sort of thing. I'm looking for codependence and trust and emotional intimacy and someone who makes me happy just by being there. It sounds like you're the same.


Yes, exactly!

When I say "male role" and "female role," I'm talking about how they're defined by our culture. The stereotypes, in other words. They may be just stereotypes, but they're also our culture's ideals.


Hope that helps.

Sounds like you're romantic but accepting of the fact that you're unlikely to find what you want.


Thanks. I thought maybe the fact that I don't want a relationship badly enough to change myself meant that I'm aromantic.
I became a practicing Roman Catholic near the end of 2010. Six months later, out of my own free will, out of love for Our Blessed Lord Jesus Christ, I walked away from all things transgender and have not gone back since. I stopped identifying as female and came to embrace my God-given sex (male). I am happy being male and would not have it any other way. I am still celibate, because God has called me to it, in case anyone is wondering.

I no longer believe the things I posted here, unless some of them happen to be in line with Scripture and Church teaching. Some people here have sent me messages; to avoid any further misunderstandings, I have written this explanation in my signature.

The important thing for you to know is, I am so much happier as a Christian than I ever was prior to my conversion. Please do not be offended by my mentioning it.

#8 Shinnok

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Posted 14 December 2007 - 06:51 AM

No..it doesn't really sound like you're aromantic if you desire a relationship of any kind.
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#9 TaylortheWeird

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Posted 16 December 2007 - 10:27 PM

I agree with everyone else, although I can understand where you're coming from. To me, though, it sounds more like you're describing what you want in a partner, and the fear that you might not find it.

I, myself, am aromantic, and although the feeling of romantic love sounds like it could be a wonderous thing that I sometimes wish I could feel towards others, I just can't seem to find myself attracted to anyone or anything, and I really can't see myself in a relationship ever. Based on my personal experience, that's what I describe as an asexual.

Although I might not be the best when it comes to advice like this, I say, probably look into the bisexual route for a partner, as I've noticed many of my bi friends seem to not really have too trouble fitting into either role. Once again, thought, that's simply my observations of the people around me.

#10 thewrll

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Posted 12 February 2008 - 03:56 PM

Im attracted to people but I never want to date or get married or have a relationship. I am aromantic but my question is if im also bi do I add that to the asexual aromantic?

#11 sparker

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Posted 19 August 2010 - 09:47 PM

I think I might be aromantic in addition to being asexual.

For many years, I wanted more than anything to get into a romantic relationship. Now that I've fallen in love and had a brief relationship (I mean really brief), I'm not so interested. I don't really like that drug-like feeling of being in love; it's like being hypnotized cartoon-style into doing things that I would never do while sober. What I really want is the kind of love that comes after the emotional roller coaster we call being in love. If love worked like it does in the Disney movies, I would love to get into a relationship.

Plus, I don't want to have to take the male role in any way in a relationship. If you can't understand why, just take my word for it: it's suffocating for me. In short, I don't want to be someone's boyfriend; I want to be someone's girlfriend.

Because I live as a man (and look too masculine to pass as a woman), no one who wants a woman will want me, and because anyone who's attracted to men will want someone who's a man inside and out, that leaves them out, too. Even many masculine gay men prefer to be with other masculine gay men, to the point of writing "NO FEMS" in their personal ads; I hear that feminine gay men have trouble finding love because of this. My only real hope is to find a someone who wants to take the male role and wants someone like me--whether they're male or female. And if I do find someone like that, there are so many other areas in which we'd have to be compatible--which makes the pool of available people that much smaller. I understand that such people are rare and that I might never find someone compatible.

And yet, I want to have someone to love "in that way" who loves me back. Someone (either sex) whose girlfriend I can be. At the same time, I know this is hard to find, and I'm prepared to wait until the next life to find love. I'd love to have someone to love, but I want the female role and just want love instead of that initial period of insanity. I'm willing to go through "falling in love" in order to have someone to love, but I am NOT--repeat, NOT--willing to take the male role. I'd rather die without ever having been in a relationship than take the male role.

So, does all this mean I'm aromantic? I'd be interested to hear some opinions.


It sounds to me like you are a biromantic bisexual. I am myself an aromantic asexual, and I am certain I would never have sex or romance (puke!) with anyone. Hope this helps!

#12 GirlInside

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Posted 19 August 2010 - 09:52 PM

Wow, it's been years since I wrote that... I spent a long time trying to figure out what I really wanted out of life. I've realized that regardless of my orientation, I'm happier without romance. So, these days, I identify as aromantic.
I became a practicing Roman Catholic near the end of 2010. Six months later, out of my own free will, out of love for Our Blessed Lord Jesus Christ, I walked away from all things transgender and have not gone back since. I stopped identifying as female and came to embrace my God-given sex (male). I am happy being male and would not have it any other way. I am still celibate, because God has called me to it, in case anyone is wondering.

I no longer believe the things I posted here, unless some of them happen to be in line with Scripture and Church teaching. Some people here have sent me messages; to avoid any further misunderstandings, I have written this explanation in my signature.

The important thing for you to know is, I am so much happier as a Christian than I ever was prior to my conversion. Please do not be offended by my mentioning it.

#13 federica

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Posted 22 August 2010 - 11:34 PM

I'm aromantic and never been attracted to people

#14 chipmunkgirl

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Posted 24 August 2010 - 02:08 AM

My gosh, 2007! How did this topic get revived? Glad to hear that you've sorted things out in the meantime, Girlinside!
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#15 greycockatiel

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Posted 24 August 2010 - 04:39 AM

I say find yourself a Tomboy ~wink!~
Believe me, I know plenty of girls who gag at dresses and all that romantic stuff and would be more content fixing cars and shooting guns than shopping and googly-eying guys(<--me included) Most consider themselves les but a few of them are attracted to guys. I think you just need to find the right one. :)

#16 Nalle Neversure

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Posted 24 August 2010 - 10:34 AM

Locking this thread 'cause it's really old. (OP, if you want this reopened, just PM me.)

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