(SP) Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 http://www.ravensrants.com/cgi-bin/diary/j...ask&next=73 2012 Mod Edit: The above link doesn't work anymore, but the content can be found here. 10-06-2002 - Asexual Concerns Dear Raven,I'm an 18-year-old girl and I have absolutely no sexual desire. People I talk to think it's strange and they say that something must be wrong with me physically. To make matters worse, I've read that people with little or no libido were abused sexually as children and I'm wondering if that can be true for me. You see, sometimes I remember things from my childhood but those memories are so vague and dream-like I can't be sure if they're real or not.Despite my libido, I do plan on getting married some day, but I wonder how healthy my marriage will be if I can't make love to my husband. I know that sex isn't everything in a relationship, but it does contribute to it. So now I feel like I'm faced with two problems: 1) What may have happened to me as a child and 2) What may happen in the near future?EFirst of all, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having little to no sexual desire. There's a whole spectrum of sexuality from nymphomaniacs to asexuals and everyone falls somewhere on that scale. If your sexuality isn't interfering with your happiness, this isn't a major problem and is most likely just another part of who you are and how you were raised.While it is true that many people who are sexually abused as children withdraw and become very asexual, others go the opposite way and become hypersexual, there's no one single way of coping with it. Also, there are plenty of people who are asexual simply because that's how they are naturally and they have no past trauma to cause it. For many people including a lot of celebrities, the asexual lifestyle is a perfectly healthy and normal way to live.Now, if you think there's any merit to what you've been remembering or if you're very worried about the possibility of having been sexually abused as a child, seek out a therapist who specializes in repressed memories. It's the only way you'll ever know for sure if it does turn out to have been past trauma, he/she will be able to help you confront the memories and cope with your new realizations.But right now I wouldn't let worries about a happy marriage affect you. While you didn't say specifically, I don't get the impression you're with someone you're considering marrying so it's not an immediate proposition at all and a lot can happen between now and when you do get ready to walk the aisle.First, you could discover your sexuality. Some women, many I've known included, don't discover their sexuality until their early twenties. It's usually sparked by once incident that lets the genie out of the bottle and makes it impossible to put back in. But don't worry about that happening or try to force it, it'll come on it's own time if it's meant to.Also, you could find a guy who is also asexual. It might seem unlikely, but remember that sexual desire is a spectrum and there are both men and women in all areas of it. While the term "asexual male" might seem contradictory, they are out there and you might find one someday to settle down with you.All in all, you don't have much to worry about. Outside of the possibility of past abuse, there is very little worrisome about your situation. You're asexual, it's not a big deal, there's nothing wrong with you and being asexual frees you to focus the energy most spend people spend on sex in other, more productive areas.So don't let others tell you what your sexuality should be like or that there's something wrong with you. If you're happy with who you are and the way that you live, then there isn't a problem. Period. Just don't forget that things do change and someday you may want that kind of intimacy and if that happens (or if it doesn't) you're still fine.So don't stress it too much and believe me when I say that there are plenty of worse things out there to be than an asexual woman...Raven Link to post Share on other sites
bard of aven Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 Maybe we could send the Raven article to those Jesuits. boa Link to post Share on other sites
dabishop Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 I like this Raven guy. It's uncanny how well he's gotten with the program -- plus he works the common-sense angle well, talking about practical questions of relationships and such. In fact, it seems like he's been reading all of our stuff, but hadn't quite gotten around to the most recent theories about the "can't stir cream out of the coffee / can't put the genie back in the bottle" fallacy. Good on him! Link to post Share on other sites
Jayann Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 Heyyyy, not too shabby! While the term "asexual male" might seem contradictory, they are out there... ...and they rock my world, baby! Link to post Share on other sites
Cate Perfect Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 Yes, we like our A-Men, we do. They're very useful, kind and friendly. 'Hey! Can I get an A-Men over here?' *group of AVENmen stroll over and are polite and respectful* Cate Link to post Share on other sites
Live R Perfect Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 Yes, we like our A-Men, we do. They're very useful, kind and friendly. Useful??! :shock: Link to post Share on other sites
Cate Perfect Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 Yes, you have shown me that not all men are after only one thing. You've made me into a less bitter, distrustful person. You offer advice when needed and give great suggestions regarding film and music. I think that's useful. Cate Link to post Share on other sites
Live R Perfect Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 Oh, OK... thanks! :D Glad to be of service Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 A-Men...it's so much cooler than the X-Men... Link to post Share on other sites
Live R Perfect Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 A-Men...it's so much cooler than the X-Men... ...and I can pretend like I'm a member of the A-Team!! YAY! I ain't goin on no plane, fool! Da da-da daa! Da da daa! (That was the A-Team theme tune, btw... :roll: ) Link to post Share on other sites
VivreEstEsperer Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 You're asexual, it's not a big deal, there's nothing wrong with you and being asexual frees you to focus the energy most spend people spend on sex in other, more productive areas. I really, really like this person! I'm starting to sound like a broken record with all these World Watch posts I'm reading, but... that's awesome! Way to go. Kate Link to post Share on other sites
Gorax Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 A-MEN! *thinks of story potential* :mrgreen: It's fun. There are a lot more positive things coming through the SacredProfane Search n' Display engine than there were before :D Link to post Share on other sites
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