The Personal Root of your Asexuality

[bURR kEEF]

My ideas on my own "roots" of asexuality sort of touch on both the nature and nurture thing. When observing my parents' affection for each other, even from my first memories of them, there was really NO affection. They seem more like friends who are partners in a business. The business being their household I guess. The first time I even saw them kiss was when I was about 13, and that was just a small peck. In a way it stunned me. I had never seen them do anything like that before. I could count on half of one hand how many times I've seen them kiss or hug each other since then. Another thing that has really been on my mind recently is the thing about, while growing up and watching movies and the "dirty" scene would come on, I was always told to turn my head. Almost like I was conditioned to think, it's there, but ignore it. It's not necessary to experience that. And I do feel that way. That, oh well, it's there, but it's none of my concern. So, in those ways, it's nurture...maybe?

Another thing, what made the fact that I'm asexual somewhat logical to my parents, especially for my mom, is that two of my mom's uncles and an aunt were asexual, according to my mom and the rest of the family. They were brothers and sister from my grandfather's very large side of the family. When the issue was discussed with my parents, my mom said, "Oh, like Uncle so-and-so and Aunt so-and-so." I was lucky enough to know one of my great uncles and my great aunt before they died and they reminded me a lot of myself. They never married and never had any sort of significant other. But, they were well traveled and big time fun to be around even when I knew them when they were in their 70s and 80s. Seems that it may be an inherited trait. The nature side of it...maybe?

I'd like to think so. I can't think of any other reasons why I'm such a misfit to society...who wedges himself in to make a tight, but not too uncomfortable fit.

[bURR kEEF]

I was ugly and awkward as a teenager and never really grew out of it. Instead of blossoming out and gettier prettier and more sophisticated in my 20s I got fatter and eventually dropped out of college and moved home. None of this made for a happening social life and the little contact I did have did nothing for me. I never responded to anything or anyone sexually in my 20s and still don't. Around age 24 I decided I'd never have sex again but did a couple more times. I did it two years ago to re-de-virginize because I felt bad about being so inactive. In my early 30s I masterbated a little but never enough to really notice till I went on a birth control pill for my skin at age 34. Since then I masterbate several times a week but still do not fantasize or experience any kind of attraction to anyone. I'm still homely and awkward as I've posted on other threads, I do think being unattractive is part of it. I also think I lack anything more than the most basic social skills. I would not know if someone was interested in me if my life depended on it. Few people of either sex are or ever have been. I do not date at all and have lived as a hermit without contact with friends or family for the last three years in Salt Lake City. I am depressed about the way my life's turned out and am considering suicide.

you should see a counselor - or call someone. i'm super concerned about your last statement. are u ok?

Yes, please! It should be cheap at your local county health department. That's where I went for certain issues and it helped me. It may just help you, to give you a different outlook on life. And if it's hard for you to find people to become "friends" with there are places you can go to socialize, where everyone would be accepting of you even with your awkwardness. I'm sure there are better places, but one suggestion is AA meetings, for an example. Anyone can go, even if your not an alcoholic, you could sit in and socialize afterwards. I've been to a few of them, court-ordered.:redface: They are religious based, and even if you're not religious, I'm not, the people there are kind and WANT to help you in any way they can. There were "awkward" folks at the meetings I attended, and it was noticable. But they stood up in front of everyone to speak and they were happy, funny and wild, but sure of themselves in spite of their awkwardness, just being themselves, and it was encouraged. It was a beautiful thing. That's just an idea of something you could do on your own. But I'm sure if you spoke to a counselor or therapist, they would have better ideas for support groups you could attend. I'm sure they exist.

Hopefully the statement you made was just one those random thoughts that everyone has that they don't really mean. But if not...

[peoplelikeme?]

This is such an interesting discussion.

I have been trying to think about any childhood issues that may have caused my lifelong asexuality.

I know from more recent discussions with my mother that when she was pregnant with me she realised

she had made a huge mistake marring my father. Now, being pregnant she would have to live with this mistake.

I know for sure my mum did not like sex. It was something she had to do on Saturday nights. I remember the sence of dread in the house when it was the weekend.

I am a romantic, and fell head over heels in love with my two husbands, and two fiances inbetween.

I remember kissing and hugging as a virgin being perfectly satisfied with that. Then the time came when to keep the one I love I needed to give to him what He wanted. Thats how I saw it and felt about it.

It was nice to be so close, but, what was all the excietment about.?

I felt sure that surely I will learn to love it and do it better. I will come across the secret button that would turn it all on.

That I will one day enjoy it as much as him. I was so shocked and sad that nothing ever happened for me.

I learned how to give pleasure because I loved him. He was perfect for me.

Gradually I would find ways to get HIm to make do with once every 2 weeks.

Then he got sick and he couldn't anyway.

When he died I saw being asexual as a blessing because I didn't miss it at all.

I just missed him.

I was young so later I loved again.

surely things will be differant this time.

NO. No. No. and NO

I am now 54 years old. Never had an orgasam. Don't care now. I have lived this long without it.

My husband has diebeties now so he has slowed down sexually. So for me the pressure is off.

What a way to have to live your life thougth.

Never living up to what is expected from a spouse whom you love so much.

For my loved ones sake alone i wish I had been "normal".

I thought is was just me.

[BunnyK.]

Thinking a bit more about this ... I've been mulling my own sexuality/hyposexuality in response to some reading about TLE, and I think I've hit one something that would go for those of us with TLE anyhow.

We tend to be cranked up to 11 on most things -- we have intense personalities. The person who determined the personality markers that often go together with TLE (Norman Geschwind) said taht five things were typical in us: hyperrligiosity, hypergraphia, hypersociability, high aggression, and hyposexuality. Another fellow (less gifted IMO) who worked with him posited that our hyposexuality was actually a heightened inhibition against sex that also got "turned up" in us. I'm doubting that, though.

It seems to me that you have to ask why supposedly "normal" people WANT sex in the first place. No one ever thinks to make them justify why they want what they want -- they'll simply say, "I want sex because I'm normal, and normal people want sex." That doesn't explain what they get out of it. Personally, I think that it's alost their only real experience with mindblowing intensity. People without TLE (again, this is a TLE-based argument) seem to have such depressed, dulled reactions to things. They see colors through dark glass and taste things past a mouthful of vaseline, it seems. Music goes into their heads through cotton wool in their ears. And so they feel a need for an intense social and sensory experience of some sort, just to break out of the shell, to get a sensation that isn't muffled. That, for them, is sex. Sex is pursued by "neurotypical" people because it blows the fuses in their heads, which never happens to them during normal life.

For we who aren't NT, daily life blows our brain circuts just fine. :-) Seriously -- reading a book about Middle Egyptian grammar is like eating the hottest, most delicious vindaloo in the world. Listening to music is something I can't do and drive well at the same time because it latches onto my brain and takes it over. I don't NEED sex. I'm eating a hot curry every day of my life -- compared to that, sex is a bowl of cornflakes. I have no need of intensity of experience. I get that already.

I remember the few times I've been involved physically with someone, actually in the middle of it. I was actually a bit taken aback by it -- he appeared to me to be so utterly transported by such a mundane, uninteresting act! He was really completely involved in it, and I just could not see what there was to get lost in. Sex doesn't get ANYTHING going above the neck. Sure, sexuals say it does, you have to "care" about the person, blah-blah, right. But there is no real intellectual burnout there. In order to participate in sex, I'd have to ratchet my head waaaaaaay down -- I'd have to put the cotton wool in my ears and the vaseline in my mouth and muffle my interaction with the outside world. And then act like that experience actually increased intimacy for me!

Sex involves mechanical dullness, and as many sexuals can make jokes about how "you ain't doing it right baby" as they want, but that's the facts. Compared to what I get out of folding a piece of paper or listening to music or even discussing something intensely demanding with someone, sex is bland, dull, flavorless. I simply have no need of it to gain my fill of mindblowing intensity.

That sounds pretty reasonable to me - from your perspective.

I do just want point out, though, that just as neurotypical people don't have any way to experience what YOU experience - you don't have a particularly good way to judge what WE experience. So to you, it may seem that nothing but sex is mindblowing for a sexual person, but that's really not my perception at all. And how the heck can *sex* be "mechanical dullness" while FOLDING PAPER is exciting? That seems like a bit of a contradiction to me - not much is more mechanical or brainless than folding paper, imo.

[jcortese]

I do just want point out, though, that just as neurotypical people don't have any way to experience what YOU experience - you don't have a particularly good way to judge what WE experience. So to you, it may seem that nothing but sex is mindblowing for a sexual person, but that's really not my perception at all. And how the heck can *sex* be "mechanical dullness" while FOLDING PAPER is exciting? That seems like a bit of a contradiction to me - not much is more mechanical or brainless than folding paper, imo.

I could link you to a number of origami sites that would indicate to you the exact opposite. Stuff like this doesn't come out of nowhere; it needs to be invented. It's as mechanical as any creative art.

Best of all, when you're done, you have something beautiful and persistent. And teachable. And it gets the intellect revving like a Ferrari. Any activity that doesn't cause my brain to fire on all cylinders is, to me, dull. Sex is like that -- it's not an intellectual or mathematical challenge, so I just don't see the attraction. I mean, cockroaches do it.

[Sally]

I don't like wine. I just don't like the taste of alcohol in any type of beverage, and I've been ridiculed all my life by people who are wine-knowledgeable people (sometimes known as wine snobs). They taste and smell all kinds of stuff in a glass of wine and go on for paragraphs about it. I just sit there and wait for the food to be served.

So some people feel all kinds of things with sex; some don't feel anything. You sexuals could think of it as a "taste" that some people have and some don't, and not tell us As that we're depriving ourselves of something wonderful. We asexuals shouldn't laugh at sexuals for liking sex. (Although to us it does seem quite amusing, when it's not downright disgusting.)

[JustJudy]

So some people feel all kinds of things with sex; some don't feel anything. You sexuals could think of it as a "taste" that some people have and some don't, and not tell us As that we're depriving ourselves of something wonderful. We asexuals shouldn't laugh at sexuals for liking sex. (Although to us it does seem quite amusing, when it's not downright disgusting.)

I completely agree with Sally, I like to compare sex to sushi - it's not for everyone- I tried sushi a couple of times and found it totally disgusting and I can't imagine liking it but I know there are others many others who absolutely love sushi and I don't think they are wrong for liking it, I love chocolate and I have a good friend and a sister who can't even stand the site of chocolate. So sex may be like chocolate for a sexual and to me it's sushi.

[Jazmin]

WARNING: LONG POST. APOLOGIES

I don't really know if there is a single, definite root to my asexuality.

I can name some things that may have contributed to it during the years I grew up.

Firstly, my parents never once told me about sex, never gave me 'the talk'. They acted like it never existed. I remember very clearly when I was four, asking my mum how is it that people just become pregnant after they marry. She replied, "That's something children don't need to worry about. You'll know when you're older." Yet she never once mentioned it when I was older. It left me very confused and I didn't understand why she wouldn't tell me . As I grew up, I felt like I couldn’t ask my parents about it at all. This makes me sound naive, but I didn't associate sex with having kids until I was much older, eleven/twelve I think, and we learnt about it in school. Prior to that I had no idea about how any of it worked. I knew that sex existed, but I didn't know much about what it was actually about.

Truth be told, my parents' avoidance of and feigned ignorance about the topic of sex made me feel like it was something that was supposed to be "bad". Whenever anything slightly sexual came on the TV, even if it was just a kiss, they'd change the channel or make me turn away. However, after I learnt about sex at school, I was a little irked, if not hurt, by the fact that my parents had just pretended that sex never existed. I felt like they hadn't been truthful to me like parents should be to their kids. And the fact that they obviously engaged in such activities (while denying its existence) seemed hypocritical to me. So basically sex to me was just something I could not understand, something that was ‘shameful’ to the extent that my parents would lie to me, and I would never in a million years have associated it with love or intimacy because no one (least of all my parents) had ever explained it to me in that way. I just didn’t get it, so I guess I just started not liking the idea of it at all.

I’ve also had self-esteem and body-image issues while growing up. When I was a kid, I was chubby and people (not just other kids, but relatives as well) kept teasing me about it. I remember when I was 9 and my cousin who was two years younger than me and much thinner got told by relatives how nice she looked in clothes because she was skinny. They’d then turn to me and ask me why I was so fat. I felt ugly and unattractive. I became determined to not be “fat”. Eventually as I got older (towards the end of primary school and throughout high school) I did become thin. Ironically, later on those same people would comment on how I had become “too thin”. It really got to me because I felt like I could never be “good enough” to be accepted for who I was. I think to an extent I still carry self-image issues, even though now people tell me I am ‘pretty’ (The first time someone told me I was pretty, I was downright surprised because I had never thought the word could be used to describe me, based on the image I had of myself). I guess I’ve never really like myself all that much, not just appearance-wise, but personality-wise also. I got constantly compared by people with my cousin who was “outgoing and extroverted” while I was “too quiet and shy”. This really annoyed me because the reason I had become more withdrawn in the first place, was due to these same people teasing me! So I think my self-image has something to do with me not liking the idea of having another person so physically close to me (i.e. during sex). There’s the sense that the other person can see exactly who you are. That kind of intimacy just scares me because I’m too used to wearing masks in real life - I never had anyone to talk to about my problems while growing up, I’ve had to just learn to keep them hidden and deal with them alone.

Then for my high school years (6 years) my parents made me attend a girl’s school. They told me that “boys can be distracting” and also didn’t approve of the idea of high school girls having boyfriends. So again I got the sense from my parents that anything to do with relationships or sex was just “bad” and should be avoided. That said, I was pretty ok with it because I didn’t really feel an urge to go out and find a boyfriend anyway. I think I must have missed out on all the sexual cues that are supposed to happen during puberty, because I never really felt the need for exploring my sexuality or starting sexual relationships (like most teenagers do).

So yeah, you could say that those things may have contributed to me becoming asexual – but then again, when I reflect on my childhood I don’t ever recall having experienced sexual feelings towards anyone. I’d had crushes on boys before, but I never associated liking them with wanting to do sexual things to them. So looking at it from this perspective, it seems that I may have just been BORN asexual. Then again, it could have been because I didn’t even know what sexual feelings were supposed to be like, since my parents never explained anything to me.

Oh well, I guess I’ll never really know . All I know is that as of now, I am asexual.

Ironically, now that I’ve started university and my mum has sensed that there must be something ‘wrong’ with me because I don’t want to have (sexual) relationships with guys, she decided to approach me about the topic (sex) <_< . Indirectly of course. But it still felt really awkward and weird. I got a bit annoyed at her, thinking, “Ok, you are trying to tell me this NOW? After you pretended it never existed, after I’ve known about it already for years? When you could have just truthfully answered my questions about it when I was younger? It’s a little late for that now.” It makes me angry the way that she expects me to suddenly change and just naturally “embrace” this aspect of life now that I happen to be old enough by her standards to know about these things, when she purposely brought me up to be unaware of them. I don’t know what she and my dad were thinking. I think now they are starting to worry about the fact that they might not get grandchildren (I’ve told them I'd want to to adopt). Well, I am who I am now and that’s that, I can’t help it if this is the way I’ve turned out. I am not going to change for anybody else - it's not something I could just do with a click of my fingers anyway.

[UnicornLady]

Maybe we could divide this into asexual and anti-sexual. Those who have had experiences in their lives which have made them turn away from sex could be considered to be anti-sexual. Those who have never been interested in or could manage to navigate sex could be termed asexual. This is, to me, completely separate from either wanting or not wanting a relationship, since some of us who have been asexual all our lives still want relationships.

Yes, I think this is an important distinction. Sexual aversion due to sexual abuse/assault, and problems with body image are not, to my thinking at least, Asexuality as such: more of a reaction to trauma. It's possible in such cases that the individual may become sexual again in future.

[peep]

<< I am a romantic, and fell head over heels in love with my two husbands, and two fiances inbetween.

I remember kissing and hugging as a virgin being perfectly satisfied with that. Then the time came when to keep the one I love I needed to give to him what He wanted. Thats how I saw it and felt about it. >>

I can totally relate to this. I value having a romantic partner in my life, and cherish the affection and cuddling.

The sexual aspect of a relationship is something else again, however. Living in a world where being sexual is considered 'normal', I always felt that I must adapt in that way in order to keep the relationship intact. To use sex as a 'currency' of sorts, because it was expected.

[peep]

<< Maybe we could divide this into asexual and anti-sexual. Those who have had experiences in their lives which have made them turn away from sex could be considered to be anti-sexual. Those who have never been interested in or could manage to navigate sex could be termed asexual. This is, to me, completely separate from either wanting or not wanting a relationship, since some of us who have been asexual all our lives still want relationships. >>

Yes, there would seem to be a difference here.

I am definitely not anti-sexual. Nor have I ever suffered from physical or sexual abuse. For me, sex is simply way far down on my list of priorities, that's all.

I am capable of sexual responsiveness, and when aroused can find some enjoyment in the act. However, it wouldn't occur to me to seek out a sexual encounter, as there is little drive to make sex a priority in my life. I would far prefer non-sexual affection and closeness instead. Make sense?

[UnicornLady]

I am definitely not anti-sexual. Nor have I ever suffered from physical or sexual abuse. For me, sex is simply way far down on my list of priorities, that's all.

I am capable of sexual responsiveness, and when aroused can find some enjoyment in the act. However, it wouldn't occur to me to seek out a sexual encounter, as there is little drive to make sex a priority in my life. I would far prefer non-sexual affection and closeness instead. Make sense?

Yes. I would go so far as to say that I think that people who claim to be Asexual because they have been abused/received negative messages about sexuality in childhood/have problems with body-image may not necessarily be Asexual. They are, first and foremost, people who need help. After that, they may still turn out to be Asexual, or they may be Sexuals. But they do have a problem that needs addressing first, rather than basing their sexual self-identification on damage.

[KAGU143]

I'm not so fast to say who is and who isn't a "true" asexual. I can definitely understand where you are coming from, and I think that sexual aversion which is caused by abuse is something entirely different form simple asexuality, BUT I don't necessarily think that such people should feel like they need to rush out and get "cured" if they don't want to, just because they are under pressure from their friends or family. If they would prefer to remain celibate, where's the harm?

My personal feeling is that those who choose to remain celibate were probably borderline asexual anyway. It is much more common for sexually abused children to become promiscuous, for example, rather than celibate. I have always maintained that asexuality is most often a combination of underlying tendencies with behaviors which have been reinforced by personal experiences, or, to put it a different way, both nature AND nurture.

According my theory, a person with asexual tendencies who is NOT abused in any way would seem perfectly normal; they especially would have fit in a couple of generations ago. One monogamous relationship would have been plenty for them, and "marital duties" would have been seen as exactly that: duties. They probably wouldn't actively seek sex, but they wouldn't shun it either.

In my opinion, people who are perfectly comfortable with remaining celibate are, for all practical purposes, asexual, no matter how they got to that point. Otherwise they wouldn't be very comfortable with it at all, right? :D

-GB

[Sally]

Graybird says: "they especially would have fit in a couple of generations ago... One monogamous relationship would have been plenty for them, and "marital duties" would have been seen as exactly that: duties."

Yes -- when I was growing up in the 40s and 50s, it was "normal" for a woman to consider sex a duty she owed to her husband. That's how it was explained by our mothers. A woman's husband might have been unhappy with that attitude but she would not have been considered weird by society (or by him). The societal swing toward all sex all the time has made it harder for asexuals because now we are taught to think we're abnormal.

Maybe the young asexuals will live to see a time when sex isn't so blatant.

[Lucinda]

In my opinion, people who are perfectly comfortable with remaining celibate are, for all practical purposes, asexual, no matter how they got to that point. Otherwise they wouldn't be very comfortable with it at all, right? :D

Interesting discussion! So do you think those who may be considered celibate (for whatever reason) are identifying as asexual? And how many folks that may fit any of the definitions of asexual are identifying as celibates?

The societal swing toward all sex all the time has made it harder for asexuals because now we are taught to think we're abnormal.

Does society, in general, think celibates are abnormal? Why or why not?

Lucinda

[Sally]

I don't think being asexual is the same as being celibate. Probably society thinks being celibate is abnormal but celibates are thought of as being capable/interested in sex but have just decided not to have it -- maybe for a time, or forever. Asexuals, on the other hand, haven't really made a decision; they just don't like it. So I'd guess that there'd be more adverse reaction to someone who says he/she's an asexual than to someone who chooses to be celibate (but could rejoin the "normal world" whenver he/she wanted to).

[UnicornLady]

I'm not so fast to say who is and who isn't a "true" asexual. I can definitely understand where you are coming from, and I think that sexual aversion which is caused by abuse is something entirely different form simple asexuality, BUT I don't necessarily think that such people should feel like they need to rush out and get "cured" if they don't want to, just because they are under pressure from their friends or family. If they would prefer to remain celibate, where's the harm?

In my opinion, people who are perfectly comfortable with remaining celibate are, for all practical purposes, asexual, no matter how they got to that point. Otherwise they wouldn't be very comfortable with it at all, right? :D

What concerns me, having read some posts on here, is that there are clearly some people who are not comfortable: who have hang-ups about body image/believe they are unattractive/have not come to terms with developing an adult body, who have histories of abuse, and who may be suffering from depression (one symptom of which can be a loss of sexual interest). For someone in that condition to latch on to Asexuality as an 'identity' is a way of not addressing underlying psychological problems, which may deteriorate over time. Resolve the problems first. If you're still asexual, you're asexual; if not, then not. I don't know where you got this idea about "people should feel like they need to rush out and get "cured" if they don't want to, just because they are under pressure from their friends or family". I'm talking about people needing treatment for post-traumatic problems, depression and body-image problems. I don't see asexuality as something that needs treatment (and it's not the business of family or friends: indeed, I find it almost impossible to imagine anyone's friends or family disapproving of asexuality); but it is a fact that some psychological problems can affect people's sexuality.

And no, celibacy and asexuality are not necessarily the same. A celibate may just as easily be a sexual person who chooses (for whatever reason) not to be sexually active.

[UnicornLady]

I don't think being asexual is the same as being celibate. Probably society thinks being celibate is abnormal but celibates are thought of as being capable/interested in sex but have just decided not to have it -- maybe for a time, or forever. Asexuals, on the other hand, haven't really made a decision; they just don't like it. So I'd guess that there'd be more adverse reaction to someone who says he/she's an asexual than to someone who chooses to be celibate (but could rejoin the "normal world" whenver he/she wanted to).

I think it's the reverse. If you're asexual, you're just not interested in having sex yourself (as I always say, consenting adults may do what they wish, so long as they don't expect me to join in). No-one can pressure you or 'tempt' you; it's just how you are (the same way that if you're gay, no-one can pressure you to be straight). But a celibate is someone who consciously chooses not to be sexually active, and a sex-focussed society finds that harder to understand.

[Sally]

"indeed, I find it almost impossible to imagine anyone's friends or family disapproving of asexuality"

Boy, I can. My older sister just visited me and I tried to explain asexuality to her. She thought it was ridiculous and definitely disapproved of it, telling me it was simply being self-indulgent (not sure how she came up with that). Also, when I told my former significant other, he DEFINITELY disapproved.

[Lucinda]

Sally,

If my sister told me I was being self-indulgent, she would mean that I am giving myself the luxury not to have sex. In other words, "If I have to have sex, then you should have to have sex too and it is ridiculous to think otherwise!".

As for your former significant other ... while I am very well aware of the sex ego of others, it still boggles my mind. My asexual mindset is once again affirmed.

Lucinda

[Sally]

I think my sister meant I was being self-indulgent in even thinking about myself enough to come to the conclusion that I'm asexual. And she likes sex, so she can't understand anyone not liking it. I don't think any sexual can understand it; just doesn't make sense to them.

My former significant other is an Italian Catholic, both macho and intellectual, and he thought it was an attack on him when I told him what I'd discovered about myself.

So...it's really hard to tell sexuals about this -- especially when they've already formed an opinion of who you are and they have to revise that opinion. Didn't help that both these people -- my sister and my former SO -- are now 74 and they're not changingin their minds about ANYTHING at this point.

[Lucinda]

But a celibate is someone who consciously chooses not to be sexually active, and a sex-focussed society finds that harder to understand.

But if a handful of celibates appeared on the Montel Williams show, would anyone question their choice even if they did find the choice hard to understand? Would any statements be made about a possible hormonal or psychological reason behind their choice?

there are clearly some people who are not comfortable: who have hang-ups about body image/believe they are unattractive/have not come to terms with developing an adult body, who have histories of abuse, and who may be suffering from depression ... For someone in that condition to latch on to Asexuality as an 'identity' is a way of not addressing underlying psychological problems, which may deteriorate over time.

I agree. Are they really asexual or are they chosing to be celibate by chosing not to address their issues? Are outsiders, who peruse this board, justified in concluding that many asexuals have psychological problems for the reasons stated above? Or could the psychological issues lead to lack of interest, desire, and feelings of sexual attraction for others and therefore the person themselves feels justified in taking on the asexual identity?

I'm torn. Should we care why are person chooses to be celibate? Should we care why a person identifies with asexuality? I would say, in general, if one is not comfortable being asexual (other than fear of loneliness, which in reality can be a concern for any orientation), then perhaps they need to dig deeper.

Lucinda

[Sally]

The only discomfort I feel in being asexual (which I just "named" this last year but feel I have been all my life) is because it's considered weird by the rest of society, and we're treated that way. It's the same kind of treatment that non-heterosexuals have been confronted with. They may be quite happy being non-heterosexual, but not comfortable with how they're treated.

To me, the difference between choosing to be celibate and feeling basically asexual comes down to the "ewwwww" factor. I've always felt "ewwwwwww." I didn't have to choose to not have sex; I finally just couldn't control the ewwwwww and stopped forcing myself. I think naturally asexual people could have all kinds of other issues, like depression or past abuse. However, they could still be naturally asexual.

[KAGU143]

I think there might be some confusion over terms here, or something ... ?

An asexual isn't sexually attracted to anybody. All this means is that sexual attraction has no bearing on who they choose (or don't choose) as partners, and that they don't see sex as an integral, necessary part of a committed relationship. Whether they have sex or not is irrelevant. Asexuality is determined by what they WANT, not by what they do, and not by whatever influenced what they want in the first place.

Take homosexuality for example. A person is homosexual if they are sexually attracted to their own sex. But if it is because they were abused by the opposite sex at some point in life, or because they have a hormone imbalance, are they then NOT homosexual? What are they, then? Will it HELP them to completely invalidate their life and their self-understanding by reprogramming them so they can become "normal?" I can see where it might help if they WANT to be straight. If they don't, however, then I think they should be accepted as they are and not pathologized.

I take serious issue with society's current trend of making everybody a victim of <fill in the blank> instead of a self-empowered individual.

I'm not a sheep. Whether or not I might have been abused at some point is meaningless. I reserve the right to determine, for myself, how I want to act and who I want to associate with. I take responsibility for my own decisions and I strongly resent being told that I'm not capable of knowing what I "really" want due to circumstances beyond my control.

(BTW, I'm not fussing at anybody. The "victimization" of modern society is a very sore subject with me.)

-GB

[Sally]

I agree with Greybird. The question, "Are outsiders, who peruse this board, justified in concluding that many asexuals have psychological problems for the reasons stated above?" is, I think, not a valid concern for several reasons. First, outsiders who read what we say can come to whatever conclusions they want to but we shouldn't have to worry about what those conclusions are; they don't define us. Second, many sexuals also have psychological problems, just as the entire population of the earth has psychological problems. Is anyone questioning their definition of being sexuals because they don't address those problems? Nope.

To me the "ewwwww" factor reigns. I don't want sex with anyone; ergo, I don't have to have sex with anyone, and I get to define myself as asexual.

[Guest punkybluester]

I was just born Asexual, and I'm damn happy I was born this way, I also have no sex drive, and I don't find that weird one bit. I'm happy and proud of my Asexuality. :D

[Tunguska]

I think I was "normal" for most of my life but had several surgeries and a couple of very hard pregnancies and I just changed. I think this is normal too by the way. I don't feel wrong even though I keep what I know to be true about myself very private. I think my husband doesn't understand it but he's a very good guy and has plenty of other things to keep him occuppied. I don't delve into it mostly because I don't feel broken. I feel fine, happy and productive. I'm very romantic and loyal and reponsible but I'm just very asexual. I feel certain some people have wrongly assumed I might go the other way or both ways and frankly i don't too much care what they think except i don't want anyone trying to convince me I'm problemed and need to be fiixed somehow. Its very possible that some of the medical things that have happened did rewire me somehow but I don't feel the need to let someone play mad scientist with me. I think its possible to be happy just being who you are for whatever reason you are.

[bharani1008]

I've been both sexual and asexual. Most of my life been asexual for a number of reasons. I was warned off sex as a young girl. I observed that girls who were promiscuous were very badly treated so I concluded that what I had been told was correct. When I failed to be attracted to boys I just concluded that I was in control. I even married a boy I wasn't sexually attracted to. I eventually enjoyed sex at times but I was much more attracted to girls. Either way the "eeeeeeeeeuiw" factor trumped everything. I'm very affectionate but I don't like body fluids.

I consider myself an asexual. It probably has as many permutations as any other state of being.

The only drawback to being asexual is finding a relationship. Most people, even older people, want sex in their relationships. Oh Well

[starcat]

I don't know if I was born asexual or not, but I do know I was born different. Missing wires, or absence of certain receptors, who knows. I just don't have that sexual drive or motivation that I have seen in others. I tried hard to be sexual most my life and did all that was expected of me. I was even told I was very good at it. But did I like it? No. Could I have lived without it? You bet!

The only time I ever did have sex was to please my partner, and I was able to keep that up for quite some time. But After a while you just have to say no more. How long can one go on pleasing others and disregarding their own feelings? I made it 34 (or so) years. I think that messed me up more than any family issues or traumas ever could. When I was able to overcome my emotional troubles and get them out of the way, I found that I really did not like sex or want anything to do with it. I think if I had been a sexual person, it would be there no matter what traumas I had experienced.

I am very happy with who I am. I am also happy that I've finally learned how to stand up for my feelings, and that the world doesn't revolve around pleasing others. My present husband is proud of me too, even though it has brought struggles in our marriage to deal with.

So in my opinion, you just don't happen to become asexual. It goes deeper than just having a libido or not. So for those who do still have emotional trauma in your life, please work it out. Not for the sake of knowing if your asexual or not, but for the peace of mind it brings and the comfort in knowing who you really are.

[Gustav]

I have only identified as an asexual for about eight or nine years and even then I say I am primarily asexual. I have had a couple of instances of experiencing sexual arousal when it would be have been inappropriate to act upon them. I am 56 years old.

From reading books by Scott Peck I do know that he has had at least one female patient who eventually warmed up to the idea of having sex. However that does not mean that I believe the asexual orientation is necessarily all pschological or physiological. It can be a combination of the two.

I also identify as a romantic asexual. There is one woman I think of quite a bit of the time that I only see once every several years.

Keep the faith, folks!

Gus at gusliel@yahoo.com