The Personal Root of your Asexuality

[DaniTheGirl]

One thing, though. Why does there have to be a cause? Might it not be one of those things that just 'are'? There is a danger in spending so much time analysing that we forget to enjoy.

I enjoy analysis. And also, I think that for some people there is a more obvious "root." I don't think that negates the idea that some asexuals are just born that way and nothing that happens to them along the way would have changed/caused that.

[Sally]

"I simply have never really had sex high on my "to-do" list."

That's the key, I think, rather than any childhood/environmental issues. Most sexuals DO have sex high on their "to-do" lists.

[A is me]

I guess I'm not sure if this is the root of my asexualness, I think that's as genetic as gay/straight...but I think the root of my lack of desire of a relationship is that no one in my entire life has even demonstrated to me that a relationship is more positive than negative. I mean, seriously, how many of you know a couple that you would want to be either partner in? My parents were miserable, my sister was married to a jerk, my brother is married to a lunatic, my former boss and his wife drove eachother absolutely crazy. does anyone know anyone truly happy? I don't think I could put up with any of the craziness that I see around me, not to mention the constant compromise and sacrificing what I want for what someone else wants. Having to answer to someone about where I'm going, what I'm doing, what I'm spending MY money on...

[Sally]

Maybe we could divide this into asexual and anti-sexual. Those who have had experiences in their lives which have made them turn away from sex could be considered to be anti-sexual. Those who have never been interested in or could manage to navigate sex could be termed asexual. This is, to me, completely separate from either wanting or not wanting a relationship, since some of us who have been asexual all our lives still want relationships.

Another thought: I also know many "couples" whose relationships seem awful, certainly nothing to be envied. However, I've also observed several times that when one of such a couple dies or otherwise leaves, the other is unconsolable. What looks to us like a horrible relationship has come to be a necessity to them. We can't judge that from the outside.

[A is me]

Only judging in the sense that from my perspective, I wouldn't want to be them...if it works for them, more power to them

[endplusone]

I don't know my root of asexuality. I'd like to think I grew up in a "normal" household. My parents were very caring. I also grew up in a religious family but I wasn't as traditional or hold the same conventions as what was expected, and have grown away from that. I haven't experienced abuse, and I'm fine with other people having sex, so I do not think I am "repressed" or have some sort of aversion or fear. I experience physiological arousal so I'm not sure if it could be something chemical or biological. I have been interested in people before, but the only word I could describe it as would be "innocent". I've had a couple of relationships that just didn't go anywhere, and I suppose I lose interest in people quickly. I remember being curious about sex but only to an extent. It never applied to me as something I would consider for myself, but I could see it being appealing to others. I was very ignorant about it. I knew the biology but never thought about it aside from wanting to score big on tests. It wasn't something that embarrassed me either. When I say ignorant I mean that I didn't even know what orientations were until high school, and didn't know any sort of slang. I suppose other people talked about sex, but I never took interest in thinking about it. I started teaching myself by finding educational websites, and then I came across asexuality. I also remember in grade 7 really hating my breasts and felt like I wanted to tear them off, but I'm not sure how that fits in with this. Only thing I can think of that could be a possible factor is that I started masturbating at a very young age (I think I'm just naturally anxious because I always feel stressed) and that is something condemned, but many children do that as well and continue later on.

I have a really hard time thinking about my past because kids were mean to me. For a while I had a new best friend almost every year. I think they they could pick out that there was something different. I remember one girl telling me that there are people who think I'm odd, and they said I behaved oddly. I'm not sure, but I think it might be because I was trying so hard to act interested like everyone else. This other girl was really physically abusive too.

[Sally]

Stella, your past and life are mine almost exactly, except without the religious parents. Kids also sensed there was something "odd" about me very young. And there was -- kids can always sense that! I don't know if we who have that kind of history from our early childhood have to search for the root of our asexuality -- I know I was born this way.

[Angelica Soprano]

Mine is - just bores me?

[endplusone]

Stella, your past and life are mine almost exactly, except without the religious parents. Kids also sensed there was something "odd" about me very young. And there was -- kids can always sense that! I don't know if we who have that kind of history from our early childhood have to search for the root of our asexuality -- I know I was born this way.

It's like a sixth sense, or something!

[catrinac]

I knew as a kid my parents didn't love me as much as my cuter sister. When I got to be a teenager I was really ugly-- bad skin, big nose, glasses, no friends, etc. I felt ugly and have never gotten over it. In my 20s I never learned to socialize or date and of course never had any opportunities to have much sex except with a couple of guys who turned out to be real losers. Because of the lack of opportunity and feeling of being unloved I didn't really have any interest in being sexual so I never masterbated much, never had any fantasies. I just never thought about it. When I was 18 was when I first really knew I wasn't sexual like other people. I went on with my life. Now 20 years later I couldn't have a sexual feeling about anyone or anything if you put a gun to my head. I try to be outwardly attractive within reason. I'm not gross. On occasion I've even been told I'm OK looking. And I don't really think that changing my look would make me more sexual. I definitely have a sexual shaped body. It just doesn't mean anything to me. As others have noted, it's never been on my "to do" list. One of these years/lifetimes.....

[AVENCakes]

Stella, your past and life are mine almost exactly, except without the religious parents. Kids also sensed there was something "odd" about me very young. And there was -- kids can always sense that! I don't know if we who have that kind of history from our early childhood have to search for the root of our asexuality -- I know I was born this way.

Hey,y eah, I bet that was it! I always thought something must've happened when I was really little for people to tease me, they must've just realized I was a total freak and picked on me for it. (There's a chance I'm a cross-dressing FtM as well as an asexual, I think "total freak" applies. :lol:) I even got told by a cheerleader that she was happy to be my friend so long as we pretended not to know each other in school. Ha, shiny, yeah, that's it. ^_^ I've been trying to think of what the exact cause was for years.

Yeah, kids are witches. I would say "let's burn them" in response to my witch comment, but we're the ones that'd get burned. >_>

Anyway, I would be interested if anyone would like to share the roots of their asexuality.

Well... one day I was conceived. That's pretty much it. Still haven't fully accepted people can be sexual. You can blame my parents being divorced so I didn't have the joy of hearing them getting it on at night, if you want. I did walk in on my mom and her boyfriend, once, walked out before they realized, too. Didn't actually sink in until a few years ago... it was a bit freaky.

[catrinac]

I was ugly and awkward as a teenager and never really grew out of it. Instead of blossoming out and gettier prettier and more sophisticated in my 20s I got fatter and eventually dropped out of college and moved home. None of this made for a happening social life and the little contact I did have did nothing for me. I never responded to anything or anyone sexually in my 20s and still don't. Around age 24 I decided I'd never have sex again but did a couple more times. I did it two years ago to re-de-virginize because I felt bad about being so inactive. In my early 30s I masterbated a little but never enough to really notice till I went on a birth control pill for my skin at age 34. Since then I masterbate several times a week but still do not fantasize or experience any kind of attraction to anyone. I'm still homely and awkward as I've posted on other threads, I do think being unattractive is part of it. I also think I lack anything more than the most basic social skills. I would not know if someone was interested in me if my life depended on it. Few people of either sex are or ever have been. I do not date at all and have lived as a hermit without contact with friends or family for the last three years in Salt Lake City. I am depressed about the way my life's turned out and am considering suicide.

[doogs]

Funny, I read your first sentence and it felt like I wrote it.

Being unattractive is a huge part of it. Lacking social skills is a huge part of it. It being asexuality.

As I wrote in another thread, I sought out professional help to see if anyone could teach social skills to a 50 year old. The only way is to be labelled autistic. So far that's as far as I've gotten, no help, just the diagnosis. I am still trying to find help

I don't actually think it's possible as the conditions for learning sexual behavior/protocol only exist during a period of time when everyone else is learning them too, i.e. high school primarily and then early 20s.

Let's say I learned how to get a "date", I'd be out with people who have been doing it for 40 years!

[andrew_w]

Being unattractive is a huge part of it. Lacking social skills is a huge part of it. It being asexuality.

I don't think that sexual attraction has anything to do with social skills. Romantic attraction does, but sexual attraction doesn't.

[orangeandred]

i think i was born asexual.

also - you are saying that some enjoy but abstain from it - i think that is called celibacy. definately a differences. certainly priests and nuns are expected to be celibate but they are not all (if any?) asexual.

[orangeandred]

I was ugly and awkward as a teenager and never really grew out of it. Instead of blossoming out and gettier prettier and more sophisticated in my 20s I got fatter and eventually dropped out of college and moved home. None of this made for a happening social life and the little contact I did have did nothing for me. I never responded to anything or anyone sexually in my 20s and still don't. Around age 24 I decided I'd never have sex again but did a couple more times. I did it two years ago to re-de-virginize because I felt bad about being so inactive. In my early 30s I masterbated a little but never enough to really notice till I went on a birth control pill for my skin at age 34. Since then I masterbate several times a week but still do not fantasize or experience any kind of attraction to anyone. I'm still homely and awkward as I've posted on other threads, I do think being unattractive is part of it. I also think I lack anything more than the most basic social skills. I would not know if someone was interested in me if my life depended on it. Few people of either sex are or ever have been. I do not date at all and have lived as a hermit without contact with friends or family for the last three years in Salt Lake City. I am depressed about the way my life's turned out and am considering suicide.

you should see a counselor - or call someone. i'm super concerned about your last statement. are u ok?

[Tanwen]

When I was younger, I hated my nose (still not too fond of it, but I'm sort of attached to it now). My mother told me I should develop my personality like Eleanor Roosavelt. She was a well repected woman and she was ugly too... Went one (or two) better and developed a sense of humour as well - and that has been my saving grace.

It failed completely this morning (when I had to tell both my mother and son to start behaving like adults and stop snapping at each other) but it's a bit like a cork - comes bobbing back up.

Life hasn't been easy and (as with this morning - and the last few days come to think of it, seems to have taken a holiday) my soh has failed at times - but when it's around makes things easier.

Tan

[catrinac]

you should see a counselor - or call someone. i'm super concerned about your last statement. are u ok?

I'm OK really. I've been this way for 20+ years. I'm ugly, obviously I wouldn't have much to live for beyond working and serving others, etc. I'm tired of that. I feel that life is not meaningful for me on a person level and never has been. At the moment I'm drinking on my days off to deal with the pain. Eventually I will go on meds and may have a totally unaffordable revision on my nose. I don't expect any of that to "fix" me or my pain. I have an astrologer picked out who I plan to talk to at least once and possibly more about my pain. She has a background in counsellling. My problems have to do with money, beauty, self worth, image, a lack of personal power, oppressive relationships/choices, a constant need for freedom that is unfulfilled, and a lack of interest in sex and mainstream U.S. values.

[catrinac]

Get a nose job, life is too short to suffer!! Ugly women are NOT doing well in the culture today. There are no super unattractive role models, hello, that should tell you something. The Old Age is dead, let's all face it. Even Hillary Clinton has had a nose job, and so has Obama for that matter!!!!!!!! Not that he is a woman or ugly.. anyway, you get the point.

When I was younger, I hated my nose (still not too fond of it, but I'm sort of attached to it now). My mother told me I should develop my personality like Eleanor Roosavelt. She was a well repected woman and she was ugly too...

Tan

[PollyB]

catrinac, I'm really sorry you are so hurt and angry, but I think the point of Tanwen's post was about her sense of humour, not her nose! (I know her in "real life" and both her sense of humour and her nose are actually fine.)

It is hard that people judge each other so much on physical appearance, but I agree with her that it is possible to find contentment. I also agree with the others that you might need some help, possibly professional help, to deal with your pain.

[zannerat]

"I am curious about whether anyone has an idea about the roots of their asexuality"

- born to british parents, one wanted to be a nun and one is a "sex addict"

- sexually abused by father until the age of 11

- moving every few years from birth onwards

- physically unattractive

- introverted

- virgo

unfortunately i fit the stereotypes most people (this community included) want to avoid being associated with - the fact that i was sexually abused has been pointed to as the cause of both my lesbianism, in the past, and my asexuality now. even if i wanted to assert that i would be asexual regardless of my past negative experiences, i doubt anyone (including myself) would believe me. (i keep in mind though, that most ppl who have traumatic sexual experiences are still very much sexual and still manage to have relationships - in fact the majority of ppl who have been abused/raped/mistreated/objectified still somehow manage to be sexual.)

i often wonder if i would feel differently about the sexual experience if even one of these things wasn't so. and, like others here, i think if my environment was more accepting/less sexually focused that being asexual would not be such a challenge.

[JustJudy]

"I am curious about whether anyone has an idea about the roots of their asexuality"

- born to british parents, one wanted to be a nun and one is a "sex addict"

- sexually abused by father until the age of 11

- moving every few years from birth onwards

- physically unattractive

- introverted

- virgo

Interesting, that is almost a mirror image of me except my parents weren't british they were Irish Catholic and I don't think one was a sex addict, I'm very physically attractive, and I'm a Libra. Oh yeah and the abuse didn't stop until I was 16.

I suppose most anyone would attribute my asexuality to the abuse but I felt different than everyone else long before that even started so I suspect some of it is biological and some environmental. I spent many years blaming my parents for everything that was wrong with me, then I finally grew up (in my 40s) and realized that I am responsible for my life, my happiness, and if my happiness comes by being alone and rather a hermit well that's just the way it is and no one else is responsible for that.

So many people on here seem so unhappy with who they are I don't understand that, I have learned to embrace my asexuality and I'm very proud of who I am and happy with who I am. There is nothing wrong with me, I'm just different.

[zannerat]

that would be depression - as opposed to just being unhappy. much of what i struggle with has everything to do with not having a clear understanding of asexuality - it took 20 years for me to realize the feelings (related to sex/sexuality) i had were much less intense than those my peers described; that the labels i had been using were not accurate - i just assumed there was something wrong. of course, actually having something "wrong" like incest or being unattractive or limited opportunity to form friendships that lasted more than a couple of years, really confused the issue.

it's not so much the asexuality which makes me unhappy/depressed - it's the isolation (often by small degrees - death of a thousand paper-cuts, y'know?) it's the lack of support/friendship/intimacy/inclusion. and, like the general population, some ppl are able to overcome these challenges (being "very physically attractive" may provide a better edge in this regard) and some become overwhelmed/depressed/apathetic/hopeless/suicidal.

i agree though, that age and maturity do help - realizing no one's going to give a shit is a great motivation for taking responsibility. i found a lot of power in that realization; strength, confidence and motivation too - which really surprised me. still, at the end of the day - when i've managed to get things done or enjoyed something new or made new connections - there's still the urge to share that with someone, to make it real.

i'll be pushing 40 soon - i'm hoping that urge will fade the more i work on enjoying myself and the myriad of life that isn't bound by sexuality. either that or i'll just off myself and get it over with :)

[JustJudy]

Being alone/isolated can indeed be very depressing, heck I tried to drink away my depression; drug it away; even sex it away. I've been on anti-depressants and szichophrenic medications for years and for now they are working very well. I am always alone except for when I am at work and even then I am alone 90% of the time in my cubicle in the corner but I have learned to entertain my mind (or sometimes I just play computer games all day...) and when I am home I can find lots of projects to do, or read, I've found Christian literature and the bible to be amazing! or I just sleep.

[bbctv]

perhaps this should get a *TMI* or possibly disturbing/depressing content warning, but

my mom was sexually abused and raped by my alcoholic and porn-addict father during much of their marriage, and starting really young i ran into a disproportionately high number of girls and women into my adulthood who have been traumatized sexually. i knew more about what went on between my parents than likely was good for me. part of me, no matter how many women i know who enjoy having sex, can believe women actually want to have sex with men. on some level i know sex can be good between people who love each other, just i encountered the other end of it before i came to that knowledge.

[johnny]

I had to put up with a lot of crap from adults who treated me differently when I was younger, it's made me quite reserved and independent. I think that has a lot to do with it.

[Deadboy]

I'm asexual because I've never wanted sex. I've never had sexual thoughts or urges about men or women.

If I had any kind of needs in that direction but chose not to act on them, I'd probably define myself as celibate.

[barbw141fl]

I am a new member of Aven, but I have done a fair amount of post reading here. I am curious about whether anyone has an idea about the roots of their asexuality, and wonder quite a lot about the roots of my own essential asexuality.

If I have understood correctly, most asexual persons do not enjoy sex and have therefore chosen to abstain from it; but to the extent that they have an instinct for sex, their focus of arousal would be oriented toward the physical presence of another person. The root of my sexual orientation as a male is different in that I have always found the actual presence of a female a distraction. I am able to be aroused only from fantasies, and never from anything that I can see with my eyes. These fantasies are about females, but never real females.

Another thing is that I have always been divided against myself with regard to sex in that psychologically I have always wanted to have it, but physically I had no lust or desire. Not to be dramatic or self-pitying about it, but this is not a psychological place where you want to be. To live with one part of your psyche wanting something, while another part of you renders that thing impossible, is to live a tormented life. I am 55 now, but until the age of 49 I remained someone who had never had intercourse. I tried numerous times, but until age 49, with each encounter I found it too much to pay attention to all the lovemaking details, which were supposed to arouse me but didn't, while at the same time maintaining a fantasy in my head that might have allowed me to complete the sex act. You might say that my essential problem was an inability to multitask. :D

I went through one marriage in which my wife tolerated the absence of sex, but she never accepted it. When that marriage ended I vowed I wouldn't marry again unless I learned to have sex, or found someone who didn't care about sex. What finally happened was the latter. I went through a campaign to 'train' myself to stay focussed during a sexual encounter, and finally managed to 'pull it off' with the woman I'm now married to. But while it removed a source of torment to me, I now view having sex as a chore, just something I occasionally have to do, but would rather not.

Anyway, I would be interested if anyone would like to share the roots of their asexuality.

[Sally]

Check out some other topics in this Older Asexuals forum -- the asexuality roots thing is explored in those also -- maybe even better than in this one.

[UnicornLady]

Well, I've never experienced any kind of sexual trauma, am religion-free, and would describe myself as un-prudish and un-repressed. (Hell, with parental approval, I had a book of the unexpurgated drawings of Aubrey Beardsley before I was 15!) I'm perfectly happy for consenting adults to do whatever they wish with each other. Just not to expect me to join in or watch.

I'm simply not a physically-oriented person: I live very much 'in my head', intellectually and imaginatively. I've also always hated any physically messy activity: at primary school, I was horrified when we were forced to do finger-painting, as I knew how to use a brush and hated the idea of getting my hands covered in paint. Sex is messy and undignified. and I don't like messy and undignified. I'm also lazy when it comes to complications in life. On an emotional/aesthetic level, I'm attracted to men and women, but (having had enough grief in my life over employment and lack thereof) have never desired any fraught emotional entanglements.

I'm probably a romantic asexual in that I love fictional and historical characters, but this tends to manifest itself more in h/c fantasies than in anything explicitly sexual. I want to rescue and look after my favourites, not shag them. I suspect the art works to which I was attracted in childhood had something to do with that: the local gallery, which I was visiting before I even started school, had an impressive Baroque St Sebastian tended by Irene and Lucilla, and the image of the women taking arrows out of an attractive, near-naked man appealed to me strongly. Also, the fact that the characters I liked best in books had a habit of meeting nasty fates meant that I would imagine ways of saving them.

I was a member of a Gay and Lesbian group at university, but this was in the 1980s, and I was considered too much a romantic, too 'unpoliticised' for the lesbian scene then. But I do see being A as being part of the Queer spectrum, as it is a transgressive identity, especially in a popular culture which is dominated by notions of sexuality imported from the porn industry.