Does anyone totally not date at all?

[aven1229]

I'm 49 and haven't had a date since 1996 when I met someone on a date and started a relationship. We lived together for 2 years. About six years and zero dates later, a college girlfriend from 1984 contacted me in 2006 and we wound up in a relationship (again) until 2009. Horrible breakup because I didn't want to have sex with her in an, otherwise, very nice relationship. I've been done with that entire scene ever since. Now, some friends are trying to give me a gift-certificate to eharmony. I've explained multiple times that I'm not interested and would refuse any gift like that. They're perplexed but I'm adamant in my refusal.

[bluejeanjirl]

I have not been on a date in about 8 years. That last one was the turning point for me. It was then that I realized exactly how much I HATE "making out". The guy was kissing me and practically mauling me, and I was totally turned off by it. The end of dating for me, at least that kind of a date.

The older I get the more I realize that I really don't want another person to be with me all the time. I have not found anyone I can or would spend time with. Not that I do not want to have someone to spend some time with, just that I have never yet found that person, or a candidate to be that person.

[Owlie]

I consciously haven't dated since my LT boyfriend and I broke up in March 2011. As I've stated in another post, at first it was because we were together for five years (no sex, much to his chagrin) and it was tough to think about being with anyone else. Then I discovered AVEN and did some soul-searching and realized that this just might be who I am, so because I know that dating leads to more dating and relationships and expectations, I've taken myself "off the market."

I have male and female friends I love to spend time with, but I can get myself in trouble occasionally because a guy will say, "Oh, let's hang out," and I'm all, "Oh, I like hanging out! OK!"
(Hanging out time arrives) "Oh, shit, I'm on a date."

Not many of my friends know my gray-to-a-sexuality, so it's tough to come up with plausible excuses for why I'm not dating, why I won't let them set me up with so-and-so, why I turned down a date, yadda yadda.

When I was in a relationship, I would cry because I couldn't understand why I just didn't want to have sex and why I was uncomfortable with the idea of a long-term future. There was definitely more to our issues than my lack of sexual attraction and desire, but it was a significant piece of the puzzle.

While I didn't exactly immediately embrace the idea of being on the asexual spectrum (I was pretty damn freaked out for a while), I've grown more comfortable in accepting this part of myself. It's not easy identifying as GrayA or always being single, but I don't cry and doubt so much anymore, so I guess that's something.

[scottstone]

Before I discovered this site, I thought that I was the only person in the world who wasn't attracted to anyone in a sexual way. In some ways, this is even worse for a guy. When I became over 40, people especially tended to view me as odd--and they still do (especially since I'm fairly introverted, by nature).

I am publicly embarrassed, I guess, to just admit that I'm not interested in dating-- nor ever have been. "Why is that so horrible?" :) I hold a professional full time job, plus I have a lot more on my shoulders, so to speak, in taking care of my wonderful parents--and which is my great privilege.

In my free time, I enjoy all of my hobbies and interests. I'm entirely happy, just doing this.

I have no other family, so sometimes I do long for close company.

It would be great, just to find a few meaningful friends. But... getting too close to a woman, and something "more" is expected...getting too close to a guy, and people think that I'm gay....plus, I have always been fairly private. So with me, there is always that "awkwardness", in society at large...and let me tell you, people have said some very cruel things to (and about) me, and my family.

Thank goodness for this group. Thank you all.

Please feel free to contact me, and I would be pleased to hear from you.

[Xenopsyche]

Haven't had a date in about five years. I met a woman on night out and we got along well, similar sense of humour etc. The three dates we had were fine and enjoyable, for me at least, but it was very obvious she was a highly sexual person and would have slept with me on the first date had I made a move. By the third date she was clearly annoyed that I wasn't putting the moves on her and gave me the cold shoulder after that.

I can't imagine dates with anyone else, especially made through dating websites, going very much differently to that experience, so I don't see the point.

I'd quite like a female companion, a girlfriend in the literal sense, who I could be close to. But I can't see finding someone who doesn't also want the sexual aspect, not easily anyway.

[JDP]

I don't date, don't go to bars, haven't joined Match.com or EHarmony.com (or whatever). I'm just wondering if there are any other Avenites out there who drifting through life alone soley based on the fact that it seems impossible to find that one other person who believes there is more to life than sex. I'm basically just thinking out loud here....

How do you define "date?" What distinguishes a date from simply going out with someone?

[sStephen]

WOW this is a pretty old thread. I don't the the OP even uses this site anymore lol. But do answer his/her question yes I pretty much have devoted my life to this.

This wasn't a choice i made originally it was kinda forced on me because I had the sex appeal of a stage 3 cancer patient (i'm very sorry if I offended anyone who has a loved on fighting that battle...) For most of my middle and high school days. It's kind of evolved into a "it's not worth it in the long run" kind of deal now. Which in my extremely cynical opinion most Ace males should just accept, it makes life a lot easier haha :).

[JDP]

To me the difference is: if you're just going out, you know what's going to happen.

[Moon Ace]

But... getting too close to a woman, and something "more" is expected..

Or they think you expect something more in my experience... either way, more often than not it ends there and then, unfortunately... In this sexualised society, its often completely incomprehensible to a lot of people that friendship is the only thing you're after...

[Nanook]

I haven't been on a date in 4 years. (I'm 30.) I have mostly given up these days as uttering the word asexual makes you a nonperson and if you're not trying to sleep with someone in the first 5 minutes they assume that either you're just not into them or prefer the opposite gender over their gender.

[Torus Orion]

I haven't dated since I left my last relationship. That was 6 yrs ago. I would love to date someone, as long as I know that they are in an asexual category. If not, I don't see the point. So far in my life most women would tell me that my lack of sexual interest was fine with them. But in the end, that would be why they cheated or wanted out. So at this point in life, I'm not even gonna bother with a non asexual.

Someone once told me that it shouldn't matter if its just a date, because you should be able to date w/o sex. For me it's still no. I only ask a person out if I'm really interested in them, not just for something to do. I can go out alone, or with a friend for fun.

I don't want to form emotions, then know that there is no possibility of a LTR.

[MenthaPiperita]

I haven't dated anyone since the death of my most recent boyfriend in February of last year. But grief over his death isn't the only reason I didn't "get back in the game". I'm just not interested in traditional dating and romantic relationship structures anymore. I would prefer an unconventional relationship that seems impossible to find. I'm not saying I'll definitely never find it - just that I realize it isn't likely. And I won't compromise anymore. So I haven't dated at all in a little over a year in a half, and I might not date again. I'm OK with it. Being completely single has plenty of advantages.

[Nanook]

So far in my life most women would tell me that my lack of sexual interest was fine with them. But in the end, that would be why they cheated or wanted out.

This is exactly how all of my relationships have gone. It's pretty much par for course.

It always started with "I'm fine with it and like you for who you are." And then ended with me catching them with someone mid-act or them just blatantly cheating without trying to conceal it and claiming they have certain needs.

It's part of why I've not dated in 4 years. I've given up on sexual people and have become skeptical of them after many bad experiences

[marki]

Never dated or been in a relationship with anyone. Not that I wouldn't give it all a try sometime if I could find someone who was cool with me being me.

[sapphireturtle]

Technically, I've only ever been on one actual date, ever, when I was 16 (1996). I had a short-lived relationship-esque thing since then, but that was nearly 9 years ago. That started as an exclusively LDR that fell apart when we got together in person (because: sex, and my lack of interest thereof). We never actually went on a date.

In my case, it's at least partly due to my social anxiety. Every few years, I'll feel a sudden need for a companion and sign up for a dating site or two, but I panic if anyone actually messages me.

It's not really a high priority for me right now, though. I enjoy solitary activities too much to be eager to give up my alone time. I've been asked out a few times and my internal reaction is usually something like "You really want me to leave the comfort of my bedroom and go out to some noisy public location just to see if we might get along? "

[Cymry]

I don't date, don't go to bars, haven't joined Match.com or EHarmony.com (or whatever). I'm just wondering if there are any other Avenites out there who drifting through life alone soley based on the fact that it seems impossible to find that one other person who believes there is more to life than sex. I'm basically just thinking out loud here....

I'm in my 30s, never had a relationship ever. I've had sex...7 years ago, but always felt on a totally different wavelength to everyone. So, yes.

Just the idea of putting my details on a dating site fills me with dread. I didn't even feel comfortable putting my details on acebook (which I didn't).

[BennieGamali]

I don't date because it makes me feel guilty knowing I'm probably not what they want. I don't want to run around telling everyone i'm asexual either.

[cochran1985]

I am 28 and i guess that qualifies me as an 'older' asexual seeing as a large percentage of the forum is people probably coming to terms with asexuality at at a slightly younger age than i am.

With regards to dating it is something i have never done, even before i knew what asexuality was, the whole thing seems a bit contrived and forced and anyone i've crushes on (or whatever) i've just happened to meet in the course of life. I am not an 'out' asexual (well aside to people i've met online here and on other asexual sites) but i got to know someone and then they asked me to go somewhere/do something with them i probably wouldn't view it as a date, just a chance to strengthen a growing friendship. Although i have no idea what would happen if a woman did 'make a move' to things becoming sexual but that is just something i'll deal with when (and more likely IF) it happens.

[LoriJ]

I choose not to date. I find it easier and more satisfying to go through life on my on. I have family and friends, but can sleep in the middle of the bed, do what I want when I want and why I want. Also, I don't have to explain over and over that I'm not interested in sex. (this happened in my last relationship)

I do not go to bars (too much smoke). I've tried online dating (Plentyoffish.com), but in the last two years have absolutely NO interest in relationships. Until I found AVEN I thought I was losing my mind.

I would suspect younger asexual folks would be more likely to think about relationships, but at my age (55) I am too set in my ways! :)

[SpadeofAces]

I don't date, don't go to bars, haven't joined Match.com or EHarmony.com (or whatever). I'm just wondering if there are any other Avenites out there who drifting through life alone soley based on the fact that it seems impossible to find that one other person who believes there is more to life than sex. I'm basically just thinking out loud here....

I don't date at all. You're not alone.