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Newbie needs help - Am I asexual?


mimi

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I'm a 30 y.o heterosexual female, have been in a relationship with my bf for 8 yrs. My problems are:

- I can't get aroused during intercourse without masturbation. I also have little vaginal secretion.

- I can't achieve orgasms without masturbation.

- I feel disappoint after sex with my bf but I am unable to pinpoint what is actually missing.

- I miss the days when I was a teenager and used to feel horny all the time.

- I have a very sexual bf, and I've tried to be the woman he dreams of, but I find sexual activities pretty meaningless ... and I can't lie about it anyway because I just don't get "wet" ...

Please kindly give me your opinion as to whether I am asexual? I'm really confused.

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Thank you for your quick reply.

But I don't understand, how did I become asexual? Do I need to seek therapy? I notice many people here are very sure of their asexuality ... what are the steps you need to take to confirm it?

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well, the literal meaning of asexuality is that you ,ay feel romantic feelings towards someone, but no sexual feelings. what you described sounds more like a problem that needs to be checked by a doctor, or maybe you have an issue that needs to be worked out.

don't mean to be condescending or anything, so don't take it the wrong way.

good luck.

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Dear Mimi:

Asexuality is a very individual thing. It's not "black and white." In fact, some sites disagree on what, exactly, the definition of an "asexual" person is.

Just like with any other personal issue, you can experience a wide variety of "symptoms" (for want of a better word) that may tip you off to the idea that you may be asexual.

I also use the term "low libido," although some people here do not. (Some asexuals do not have a libido at all. Others experience different types of feelings...romantic feelings but not sexy...sexy feelings, but not for any one specific person...the physical happiness that comes with an orgasm can only be achieved through masturbation when you're BY YOURSELF...lots of different feelings.)

My point is that it's almost impossible for someone else to tell you whether or not you are asexual. You know youself best, and you know how you feel.

I would suggest reading ~everything~ on this site...it explains a lot, including how a person can have sexual feelings and ~still~ be an asexual. And remember, not all sites agree. Nothing is "writ in stone" about this...it's more of an exploratory thing, where the ideas that are proposed are based upon the personal experiences of those who are at the site, and their body of knowledge from reading, classes, etc.

Whether or not you are "an asexual," you are certainly welcome here! Hope you make a lot of good, new friends, and have a great time!

Just for the record...I am a 30 year old female who has been married for ten years, but is currently going through a divorce ~~~because I have found out since getting married that I'm really asexual, and my former husband has a high libido.~~~

Asexuality is a very complex subject, when it comes to the workings of relationships. We have a forum, and then a forum within a forum devoted to that.

-------------------------------------------------

Okay, everybody else here! I've done my part...now it's time for YOU to explain what's going on. I can't do ~all~ of the talking! :D

Well...maybe I can...but still. ;)

(I still have this nasty flu, and it's sometimes hard just to post at all. Please, everyone, keep that in mind if you are posting to me and I don't answer. I'm not ignoring you...just too sick to turn on the computer.)

-------------------------------------

Welcome, Mimi!

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Frankly you don't really sound asexual.

You sound more like someone who is sexual who is experiencing sexual difficulties. Let me explain why I see it this way:

1) you used to be really sexual...

now people can become asexual who were not before, but I think it is not that frequent - a little like someone becomming gay who used to be hetero for instance

2) you don't like it...

It seems from what you say that this lack of sexual arousal causes you distress. For a truly asexual person it is more often, 'eh, who cares anyway..' I don't know if I am making this clear, but essentially, a really asexual person wouldn't really care about having a satisfying sex life at all....

If this is a decline in sexual desire in a person who used to be of regular sexual appetites and causes distress, this sounds more along the order of a sexual dysfunction than asexuality...

the sort of thing you might want to talk to a doc about in case it is a symptom of some other physical problem

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Good point, eshartay.

There are many physical and physiological issues that can cause the symptoms of asexuality, and it would probably be worth your while to check it out.

I know, for instance, that depression can cause a decline in the libido, and also that the ~medicines~ that treat depression ~ALSO~ can cause sexual repression. (How do you like that for a catch-22??!??!)

------------------------------------------

Mimi, be sure to check the forums under "General Asexual Rantings," --- a post that says "Holiday Gift Pass Along."

I think you got a present...

;)

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ehartsay sounds right to me here. If you were sexual before perhaps it's something you should see a doctor about now.

Though, "but I find sexual activities pretty meaningless ..." I'm curious about what you mean by that. That does sound asexual. Still, I think you should really check with doctors just in case there is a problem.

Well, asexual or maybe not, welcome to the board.

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Thank you!! I will definitely spend time reading the materials on this website and hang around for a while.

I think I do have some sexual desire or else I won't masturbate. I can use my imagination to make it feel romantic.

However, in the real world, sex is not in the mind ... it has to do with 2 interlocking bodies, and there are many sexual positions that you need to learn ... and you need to "practise" those positions in order to get the hang of it. My bf tried to teach me and get me interested by watching porn movies with me, sometimes, i just couldn't help laughing at the actors and actresses and he said i was weird and that i spoiled his mood, so he eventually gave up.

When I said I find sex pretty meaningless, I was referring to those repetitive body movements without engaging one's mind ... My bf said sex is sex, and I fantasize sex too much and that I've confused sex with intimacy.

When I was a teenager, I was so turned on by merely kissing, cuddling and petting. However, it seems I am not interested in the real deal afterall ...

Need to catch up with my reading now :)

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erm, ok...

I think I see part of the root of the problem...

could it be?

could it be?

could it be that your bf is, well, how do I put it... a sexual JERK?????

(not a sexual person who is a jerk, but a person who is a jerk about sexual matters)

I hope this doesn't cause offense, but really, just hearing you describe his attitude towards sex makes me even more asexual than I was before...

he sounds like he has a very stereotypically 'male' attitude towards sex and is trying to force you to adopt said attitude.

NO wonder he really isn't turning you on so much.

Sex IS about intimacey if it is good sex.

Sex that is not soon becomes nothing more than another physical activity on the same level as going to the bathroom.

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ehartsay, don't worry, no offence is taken and I thank you for your honest opinion

Part of me always thinks there is nothing wrong with me, instead, there is something wrong with him ... However, like you correctly pointed out ... he is the stereotype and there are plenty of women, unlike me, who enjoy sex without intimacy ... so maybe these people are normal afterall and I am not???

I will take my time to find out ...

Hearing you guys talk is a breath of fresh air to me :)

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I would say that whether or not your lack of sexuality qualifies as "technical" asexuality is purely a matter of opinion. It sounds like you're not as into sex as most (certainly as your boyfriend), and I would say that that's a problem only in the context of your relationship. Your low sexuality isn't a problem, your sexual inconsistancy with your boyfriend is. So it's your responsibility to see what you can do to be more sexual, but at this same time it's his responsibility to see what he can do to be less sexual. If you can both work it so that you can keep a sexual relationship, great, if not that shouldn't mean that you can't have ANY relationship. Sorry if this is convoluted, I didn't have time to clarify my thoughts..

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ok,

when I said stereotypical I definately wasn't thinking of that in a good way!

after all, what do we really mean by normal anyway?

Why do we speak as though 'normal' = 'morally good'?

Do we mean statistically normal? And if so wouldn't that mean that being of below average

intelligence was good and being a genius was bad?

Even if (which I doubt considering the sort of articles in women's mags) most women are ok with being used and acting in an animalistic way

and degrading something of supreme spiritual importance doesn't mean that this is a good thing.

Nature is something to be risen above on a spiritual level not something to be degraded.

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I don't really know whether I'm qualified to post on this thread (I'm hardly an expert in sexual matters) but here goes anyway.

I think you are sexual (but with a lower libido than most) because (a) you masturbate (and presumably have sexual thoughts while doing so) and (B) you describe yourself as having been very sexual as a teenager.

Maybe the problems with your boyfriend are caused by a lack of sexual compatability (or sexual chemistry) between the two of you rather than simply asexuality on your part. Maybe it is as simple as you not being sexually attracted to him. I think it is very possible for people to feel a very strong emotional and romantic attachment to someone without being in any way sexually attracted. Perhaps the strongest evidence that this is possible is the fact that many of the asexuals in this discussion group form strong romantic bonds with people without having the slightest inclination to have sex with them.

I guess the key questions are:

- Do you feel sexual attraction to other men or have your lost this sensation altogether (maybe sex might be better for you with another partner)

- Did you feel sexually attracted to your boyfriend when you first started dating. If so, maybe you stopped feeling sexual attraction to him when you started having sex together and it wasn't the way you expected it to be.

The way I see it sex is a two way street. You said that you have spent 8 years "trying to be the woman of his dreams". That suggests to me that all the effort is on your part and that he has made little effort to understand or respond to your needs.

I'm not sure whether all of this makes sense, but I thought I'd post it anyway.

Good luck Mimi. I hope everything works out well for you.

George

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Thank you all for your messages. Having read more and more about asexuality, I'm more inclined to conclude that I'm sexual.

Luigi> I have tried using a vibrator. I prefer using my hand though because I don't like the noises made by vibrator.

George-Q> That's what I think too. I find that there are more differences between me and most asexual people on this board than similarities.

- I don't feel sexual attraction to other men I know.

- There was strong sexual chemistry between me and my boyfriend when we first started dating. It disappeared after a year or so.

Actually I never really discuss asexuality with my bf because I just learnt this term a week ago. At first, he tried to help by initiating sex more often ... of course it didn't help. Then, he felt insulted by my lack of interest and started meeting other people online by posting personal ad. He was even voted the Most Attractive Man for a while. I guess he's got his confidence back and became less angry with me. Now, he seldom initiates sex.

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