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What made you laugh today?


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#1651 Qutenkuddly

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Posted 24 February 2013 - 02:16 AM

For all you English majors out there:


Me: Apparently I can't f*ck to save a relationship.
Her: There's a difference between f*cking and making love.
Me: Okay. Apparently I can't m*ke l*ve to save a relationship.

#1652 bluejeanjirl

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Posted 24 February 2013 - 03:48 AM

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says

Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
 
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you'd be happy about it.'


IDIC  --that is  Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations. Celebrate our differences because that is what keeps life interesting. 

 

Please, make no mistake, a Shakespeare fan I am not. Nor have I memorized famous lines from Shakespeare's works. That said :

This above all: to thine own self be true

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man.


 


#1653 zoidberger

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Posted 24 February 2013 - 03:59 AM

A guy came into the candy store today and was extremely excited / enthusiastic about the idea that we should sell electronic cigarettes there.

Hrm... would you like a cigarette to go with your fun dip, toffee crisp, and salt water taffy?
Once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right.

#1654 Haunted Trolley

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Posted 24 February 2013 - 06:46 PM

I was watching clips of Freaky The Scary Snowman on YouTube this morning.


You say it is what I think - I say it is what I know

You say it is what I choose - I say it is who I am

You say it is a matter of opinion - I say it is a matter of knowledge

#1655 Batman's Ace

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Posted 24 February 2013 - 06:54 PM


Don't you wish you could escape a gas-filled death trap by cutting through the door with a welding torch you happen to have tucked in your belt, while breathing through a candy thermometer?

#1656 The_Silent_Tiger

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Posted 04 October 2013 - 09:03 AM

Found outside a grocery store in Sweden.

QnA0M0Mh.jpg


ASD + ADHD = Never a dull moment (Even if most of it is happening in my head and not all of it is good)

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, that's why it's called the "present".

Ingen är så liten och obetydlig att den inte kan nå sitt eget hjärta.

 


#1657 Arctic Fox

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Posted 04 October 2013 - 10:55 AM

coke_cat_freak.jpg


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Cats drenched in yogurt. Sometimes I think it'd be nice to be so sure of your convictions that you don't have little things, like reality, factor into your world view. Maxilu

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#1658 +Pookzar

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Posted 04 October 2013 - 12:54 PM


Wake-up-buddy-kitten.gif


#1659 The_Silent_Tiger

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Posted 05 October 2013 - 08:35 AM

Meanwhile in Sweden:

 

Police find 2 metre crocodile in greenhouse.

http://www.thelocal.se/50594/20131004/

 

What I would give to have been a fly on the wall during that raid.


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ASD + ADHD = Never a dull moment (Even if most of it is happening in my head and not all of it is good)

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, that's why it's called the "present".

Ingen är så liten och obetydlig att den inte kan nå sitt eget hjärta.

 


#1660 Elnae

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Posted 13 October 2013 - 04:46 PM

People parking like twats in Bristol! :lol:


“Piglet sidled up to Pooh. "Pooh?" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand. "I just wanted to be sure of you.”
― A.A. Milne

 

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#1661 Whale rider

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Posted 14 October 2013 - 12:58 AM

My avatar. XD

Spoiler

#1662 Glyn

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Posted 14 October 2013 - 01:59 AM

Watched some old Kenny Everett!


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"I'm just a musical prostitute, my dear." - Freddie Mercury

"I am not going to be a star.  I am going to be a legend!" - Freddie Mercury


#1663 Arctic Fox

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Posted 14 October 2013 - 01:50 PM

funny.jpg


Cats drenched in yogurt. Sometimes I think it'd be nice to be so sure of your convictions that you don't have little things, like reality, factor into your world view. Maxilu

Going To Get To 666 Posts By Halloween


#1664 Miss Terry

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Posted 14 October 2013 - 09:29 PM

Glyn's last post about me in Blatant Lie.  It made me laugh out loud. :D


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Her rapier wit with a side of sauciness - Tja in Why You Love The Person Above You.

 

The best of life is life lived quietly where nothing happens but our calm journey through the day, and the precious life is everything.

John McGahern

 

I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance. 
e e cummings
 
 
 


#1665 Glyn

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Posted 22 January 2014 - 05:26 PM

This video:

 


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AVEN - home of the 509th Super Stunt Pigeons Corps!



"I'm just a musical prostitute, my dear." - Freddie Mercury

"I am not going to be a star.  I am going to be a legend!" - Freddie Mercury


#1666 Batman's Ace

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Posted 23 January 2014 - 10:05 PM

20120718.jpg

 

20120720.jpg

 


Don't you wish you could escape a gas-filled death trap by cutting through the door with a welding torch you happen to have tucked in your belt, while breathing through a candy thermometer?

#1667 Massy

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Posted 23 January 2014 - 10:08 PM

Nothing

 

Grumpy-Cat1.jpg


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#1668 Glyn

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Posted 24 January 2014 - 02:13 PM

The A-Team - how is should of been done... :P

 


AVEN - home of the 509th Super Stunt Pigeons Corps!



"I'm just a musical prostitute, my dear." - Freddie Mercury

"I am not going to be a star.  I am going to be a legend!" - Freddie Mercury


#1669 Qutenkuddly

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Posted 24 January 2014 - 10:58 PM


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Me: Apparently I can't f*ck to save a relationship.
Her: There's a difference between f*cking and making love.
Me: Okay. Apparently I can't m*ke l*ve to save a relationship.

#1670 Archaewok

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Posted 26 January 2014 - 03:35 PM

The AVENorgy thread.






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