kasey Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 :( Hello, I am new to this site. I saw it on the Montel show today and just had to check it out. For years I thought I was the only one that HATED SEX. Now I see that there are more people like me. Now maybe I won't feel so alone and can have others to talk to about this and me... I am a 52 yr. old married woman and will be married for 35 yrs. on the 21st. of this month. We have two grown children and two grandchildren (who are the loves of my life). My husband is the kind that has to have sex and I HATE IT... :oops: I just always figured that there was something wrong with me. My mom and grandmother were the same way. When I was 25, I had a Hystorectomy and my husband says the doctor must have taken out the wrong thing. But I know and he knows that I have never liked sex... As time went on, I got less and less interested. I JUST HATE IT AND NEVER WANT IT!!! There I said it and it is out in the open... Come on people, give me your views on my situation... I have even thought about divorce... I love my husband to a certain point, but not for sex. What should I do??? I taped the Montel show today so he can see it when he gets home from work. Though I don't think it will make a difference to him. He still wants it. I have felt so alone for so many years and had no one to share it with, to talk to. I have always hated my life and my situation. I have always thought the human body is so nasty looking. I hate my own body and my looks. I HATE ME!!! Link to post Share on other sites
FelineFanatic Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Hi kasey and welcome to AVEN. I am going to move your post to the Welcome forum so more members will see it. Please take time to look around and post as you feel comfortable. You may find the forum Older Asexuals interesting, too. I can very much relate with your feelings myself. In the meantime, enjoy some AVEN welcome cake. Link to post Share on other sites
smellincoffee Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Hi, Kasey, welcome to the community. I can only imagine how difficult of a situation you are in. One of our forums is dedicated toward the spouses, partners, family and friends of asexuals, so to help bring about understanding. I hope you can find something in there (or the advice of an older member who has experience in those matters). Link to post Share on other sites
SummerSeeker Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Welcome to AVEN. This is a great place to learn more about asexuality. I used to feel the like there was something wrong with me also. But then I found this site and knowing that there are others like me made a huge difference. I'm ASEXY and proud of it! Link to post Share on other sites
anticulus Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Welcome! I hope you find this place helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Spock Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Kasey, I’d like to welcome you to AVEN and congratulate you on discovering more people like yourself, first of all. Now…I’m not exactly an aged well of wisdom, but I thought I could try to say something to help you out. I love my husband to a certain point, but not for sex. What should I do??? I taped the Montel show today so he can see it when he gets home from work. Though I don't think it will make a difference to him. He still wants it. I have felt so alone for so many years and had no one to share it with, to talk to. I have always hated my life and my situation. I have always thought the human body is so nasty looking. I hate my own body and my looks. I HATE ME!!! I love everyone, to start off. To marry someone, there has to be a bond there strong enough to carry you through all life and perhaps eternity depending on our religion. If the bond isn’t that strong, isn’t the relationship more than a friendship? Second of all, why on earth are YOU the one doing ALL the compromising?! If you don’t like sex, I think that not only should there be less of it as his response, but I’m of the opinion that there shouldn’t be ANY seeing as his desires are more invasive by a very extreme degree. Your not having sex with him would be like depriving someone of their favorite food that they preferred to eat frequently, though he’d still have all his other favorite foods. His having sex with you, which sounds like it’s approaching rape and only continues because you feel an emotional obligation or marital duty, is torturing someone that he ALLEGEDLY loves. I don’t know the specifics of your life, of course, but can someone who does that to someone else really love you? Secondly, I have a huge issue with nudity and the whole “beauty of the human body” thing, too….but I don’t think decently clad people are necessarily ugly, either. I associate physical traits with the personalities of people I admire/respect, I guess…but I don’t think, in general, that all human beings are ugly. Looks don’t matter. They’re so shallow and “attractive” is so subjective that they are, or should be, insignificant! You’re a beautiful person with a beautiful mind and beautiful ambitions. Anyone who thinks differently is not judging by appropriate criteria. No one cares what you look like here, with or without having seen a picture people SHOULD interact the same. Whether you’re a model or you’re deformed. Lastly, hating yourself is awful. I know we all do hate ourselves at times, but that’s because we are looking at ourselves with the eyes of the world. The world isn’t always right, and frequently makes big mistakes and never cleans them up. Whatever it is that makes you hate yourself, it’s a phantom, or should be! What we need to do as a society of individuals is encourage independence. Self-reliance is the solution to our obsession with forming groups and waging unnecessary battles with our friends and selves. I encourage everyone to define themselves and become stronger in who they really are. The answers to just about everything of the nature you’re asking really are inside yourself, you just have to make that “self” a little more confident and secure in its convictions. Feel free at any time to PM me or email me, I’m always willing to talk, whether to chat or discuss AVEN! I wish you the best of luck, Kasey! Love, Spock Link to post Share on other sites
mindlife Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 kasey, I'm glad you posted here. I hope your husband proves to be understanding. Love is not sex. Love, even romantic love, is something else. I don't know if your husband will ever understand your situation. For years, you have been sexually involved with him at his request. You have been generous. But now he needs to understand that there are other things you want, from yourself and your relationship. I hope that joining this community turns a page in your life. It was for me. I found myself much happier after getting to know the people here. I was married for 17 years, am widowed now but in a committed relationship. My significant others don't understand me completely, but they're trying and they're great at it. Link to post Share on other sites
timelike01 Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 As I often like to say about such tihngs, there is a population of 6 billion, and you can't expect all 6 billion people to love sex. We're not all exact duplicates, you know. Link to post Share on other sites
Amcan Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Hi nad welcome. Have some more I hope AVEN helps you find some answers. Link to post Share on other sites
Coleslaw Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Don't hate yourself! There isn't anything wrong with you. As far as things go with your husband, perhaps showing him the show will help him understand where you are coming from. A compromise could be worked out between you two, perhaps. Don't lose hope--love has many facets, and sex does not always have to be one. Talk with your husband, and perhaps show him AVEN. Discuss your feelings. Reassure to him that you love him, and give him some time to think. I am wishing you all the best! Welcome to AVEN! Link to post Share on other sites
M51 Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Oh my God, kasey I totally understand. I was in a marriage like that that only lasted two years and I think I would have gone crazy if I had stayed in it as long as you have. First and foremost: NOBODY HAS TO HAVE SEX. Sex is not a need. It is a desire, a drive, and many other things. But it is not a need. If your husband were stranded on a desrt island for the rest of his life, and was never able to have sex again, he would not die of virginity. As far as I know, no human has died from lack of sex. My husband also demanded sex and did not feel it was his job to compromise with me. I also began hating myself. My self esteem plummeted, my productivity plummeted, my motivation plummeted. I was miserable all the time. God, I feel so much sympathy for you. I am hurting just thinking about your situation. The idea that you hate yourself because your husband demands sex sounds irrational, stupid, etc. to some people. But it makes perfect sense to me because I lived it. It is horrible. It is dispicable that he claims to love you but then forces an activity on you that makes you hate yourself. An activity that violates not just your body, but also your mind, your heart, and your soul. I cannot tell you what to do, but I think you have every right to tell him that you are taking a break from sex to think about all this, to find your true self, and to give yourself a chance to love yourself again. Then, when you are in a healthy state of mind, consider your situation and decide what YOU want to do. I will warn you: I told my husband I wanted a break from sex and he promptly divorced me. But if you have already considered divorce...you have a right to have a break from sex. You have a right to have a permanent break from sex, if that is what you want. Or you have a right to choose to compromise on terms that are not unhealthy and damaging for you. Feel free to pm me. If you prefer email pm me your email and I will be there for you, I promise. It is YOUR body, not his. It is YOUR body, not his. It is YOUR body, not his. It is YOUR body, not his. It is YOUR body, not his. IT IS YOUR BODY, NOT HIS!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Will Less Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 hey welcome good luck hope you get a good outcome keep us posted if you can as we are concerned for you Link to post Share on other sites
anipo44 Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Hello, let me tell you, I read your post and it was like reading my own, the same thing I even thought also on divorce, have kids, 16 years married, I do not hate sex, but I DO NOT WANT IT, and every time I do it is because I HAVE TO AND I FEEL SO BAD, I like my husband but not the sex Link to post Share on other sites
Bluejeanbabe Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 I wonder what our "creature" was thinking when he made men so sexual, and made us women so discussed with it. I found that after I had my kids...I was done with sex, although I have had sex since my last child, I really felt no need for it. Alcohol is the worst thing...it let's down my guard and makes me feel like I need to put out. If you love your husbands, and really want to stay married, maybe just drink a little something before you go to bed, it may help you relax, and then it might not be so bad. I am not saying this is right (for you to "give in" ) when you don't want to have sex, but if you feel the "need" to give in to him...GO GET DRUNK. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY...be true to yourself first. Link to post Share on other sites
Ziffler Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Welcome to AVEN :cake: You have taken the first step to discovery. Look around, read the forums and get to know others here like yourself. I can't give you the answers to what you should do, but I know that reading and sharing here, will lead you to finding your own answers. You are not alone. Welcome :cake: Link to post Share on other sites
xaida Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 When I was 25, I had a Hystorectomy and my husband says the doctor must have taken out the wrong thing. I think thats a really strange thing to say to you. I mean, doesnt he love you the way you are, but see your "lack" of sexual desire a deficiency? Like some amputation? Maybe with my point of view Im rather alone on the board, but I think my asexuality a blessing to my relationships and the difference between my boyfriends and myself were usually found enriching by the two of us. We had to try so many innovative, experimental and new ways to be close to each other that it never became boring ;) Even if that is an extreme to the other side, I think, your desires are just as valid as his desires and your identity is just as acceptable as his is, so maybe you want to take him here and you can both do some exploration :) Well, anyway, welcome on board, have on the way and enjoy your stay here :) Link to post Share on other sites
vikingo Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 Welcome kasey. Take a look. Read, think, post, pm, discuss. Things will lighten up. Link to post Share on other sites
BunnyK. Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 First and foremost: NOBODY HAS TO HAVE SEX. Sex is not a need. It is a desire, a drive, and many other things. But it is not a need. If your husband were stranded on a desrt island for the rest of his life, and was never able to have sex again, he would not die of virginity. As far as I know, no human has died from lack of sex. No one will die from sex, but not having sex in your marriage when you want it can be just as damaging as having sex when you don't want it. You may not like to hear that, but it's true. Link to post Share on other sites
M51 Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 No one will die from sex, but not having sex in your marriage when you want it can be just as damaging as having sex when you don't want it.You may not like to hear that, but it's true. I accept that. However, she is in a situation where the sexual gets everything he wants. It sounds like he is getting sex on demand, and that she is the ONLY person suffering the consequences of their mis-matched libidos. As long as the sexual persists in thinking sex is a right while the asexual has no right to say no, as long as the sexual persists in focusing only on how lack of sex damages him while totally ignoring how damaging sex is to her, as long as the sexual persists in thinking that something is wrong with her and that he has no part or responsibility in the problem...this is not going to get resolved. Right now both parties need to change their way of thinking. And in this case they are both erring towards damaging the Asexual party. She needs to know that she has every right to say "I will never have sex again". THAT is her starting point for negotiation. I am not saying she should never have sex again, I am saying that is her ground zero. Anything beyond that is a compromise on her part that must be met with equal compromise on his part. He needs to know that, too. You may not like to hear that but it is true. As long as the sexual continues to see himself in the right and her in the wrong they will never have a chance of finding a compromise. Part of realizing that his way is not the only way is realizing that he will not die from lack of sex. Link to post Share on other sites
BunnyK. Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 You may not like to hear that but it is true. As long as the sexual continues to see himself in the right and her in the wrong they will never have a chance of finding a compromise. Part of realizing that his way is not the only way is realizing that he will not die from lack of sex. I actually need to apologize for my snippy post last night. Every now and then a real-life bad mood leaks onto AVEN, and I post things that aren't as calm as I'd like them to be. Long rant ahead, special apologies to all the sexless sexuals out there: Oddly enough, part of the reason I was grumpy is because I just got rejected for sex....again. My boyfriend likes to have sex, on average, once every three days. To be honest, once a day works a lot better for me. So in a typical three-day period, I get rejected at least once or twice - because every now and then, if I ask, I get surprised. Now, I'm not exactly complaining about the sex every three days. It's a perfectly reasonable amount of sex, observed objectively. The problem is that constantly getting turned down can sometimes really get to me. Every time, I have pretty much the same emotional reaction: fear that I'm not thin/pretty/nice enough, humiliation at having asked again, and often even a little anger. I've learned to change how I react to those emotions - I don't obsess over them, I correct my bad assumptions, I remind myself that sex isn't everything - but they always come. Maybe someday all that cognitive work will pay off and I can get rejected and really, truly not be hurt by it, but for now this is what I have to work with. On a good day, it's no big deal. I sulk for a minute or two, and then let it go. On a bad day, or if it's been more like 5 days, it can really put me in a bad mood. I know every time I get rejected, my boyfriend will still want to cuddle with me in bed or on the couch. That means that he gets to sit there and enjoy the cuddle, while I get to sit there and be uncomfortable because I'm aroused. I find my boyfriend very sexy. He has a nice scent - it's like catnip to me. It's irresistible. Just being near him, smelling him, feeling his body through his clothes...I really can't help it, I just get turned on. It's not something I control. I ignore it as best I can, but... I don't know. Lately I've been finding that as soon as I feel a hint of sex drive, I just squash it. It's been getting harder and harder for me to get in the mood for sex at all - because I know it's totally under his control when we have it. And yet I still have sex with him even when I don't really want it - because who knows when I'll get it again? He won't ever try to get in the mood. Sometimes he offers to take care of me other ways, but I can see him staring off into space, or tuning out, and it makes it really hard to relax and have fun, because I just want to get it over with as fast as possible so I don't upset him. I'm petrified that I'm losing my sex drive again. I have once before, and I hated every minute of it. Part of me just felt dead the whole time. But I can feel it happening again if I don't work against it. I'm scared that I will end up like the people I read about on the sexless marriages forum - sad and depressed and lonely and angry, with no good answer to their problem. And this is all while still having sex three or so times a week! So, if such a small thing can really affect my emotional state as much as it did last night, I'd hate to think what a horror it would be if I found myself accidentally married to an asexual. I know to a large extent it's my own insecurities that are contributing to this situation. However, in a marriage to an asexual, it wouldn't be insecurity - it would be the fact of the situation. So last night, seeing "it won't kill you" so callously spit out, like these emotions can be helped, like sexuals lose nothing when sex is taken out of the equation - I got snippy. My apologies. Oh, and: However, she is in a situation where the sexual gets everything he wants. It sounds like he is getting sex on demand, and that she is the ONLY person suffering the consequences of their mis-matched libidos. Nowhere in her post did I see her say that he gets sex everytime and anytime he wants it. I would almost go so far as to assume that's probably not the case. Now, if he can indeed say to her "you..bedroom..now!" and she obeys, I'd agree with your analysis, but if it's a situation where he begs, and begs, and she grudgingly agrees once a month or so - no. He's getting hurt too. Maybe not as much as she is, I don't know, but she isn't the only victim there. And this too! My husband also demanded sex and did not feel it was his job to compromise with me. I also began hating myself. My self esteem plummeted, my productivity plummeted, my motivation plummeted. I was miserable all the time. God, I feel so much sympathy for you. I am hurting just thinking about your situation. The idea that you hate yourself because your husband demands sex sounds irrational, stupid, etc. to some people. But it makes perfect sense to me because I lived it. It is horrible. It is dispicable that he claims to love you but then forces an activity on you that makes you hate yourself. An activity that violates not just your body, but also your mind, your heart, and your soul. Just an interesting note - on the sexless marriages forum I frequent, many of the people on there experience the same thing you do - from the other end. Their spouses don't want to have sex with them, and they hate themselves because of it. They feel ugly, disgusting, dirty, perverted, and miserable. 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M51 Posted January 7, 2007 Share Posted January 7, 2007 My husband is the kind that has to have sex and I HATE IT... I guess that is where I got the impression he had sex on demand...but you're right she doesn't actually say it. I am sorry you are having troubles, Bunny. I'm sorry you feel rejected or unsexy. It has got to feel awful. The desire to feel loved and pretty and thin, etc., is enough to get many asexuals to have sex, so it is indeed a powerful motivator - or a powerful source of depression. ...I do feel like the asexual side is generally the more misunderstood. But then, I am clearly biased to my side, as you must be to yours.... Wah. Unequal/uneven sexuality sucks. :( Link to post Share on other sites
BunnyK. Posted January 7, 2007 Share Posted January 7, 2007 ...I do feel like the asexual side is generally the more misunderstood. But then, I am clearly biased to my side, as you must be to yours.... I actually don't disagree. But I don't think it's very useful to let the pain on the sexual side be disregarded - it's not a good situation for anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
M51 Posted January 7, 2007 Share Posted January 7, 2007 :D Agreed, then. Actually, reading your post about your sexual feelings for your boyfriend made me go, woa. I don't get that at all (the sexual arousal part). I mean, I know and understand academically what you said, and I don't deny your experience, but it is just way out of my ability to comprehend. Like the scent thing. Uhhh? Isn't a good smell just a good smell? I mean, I put little glade thingys all over my house, and spray some vanilla stuff on every morning but...and I come here and discuss sexuality until the horse is beyond well-tenderized....so you'd think combining the two ideas wouldn't be a stretch for me...but for some reason the idea of connecting smell to sexuality struck me as really foreign. Er? You what?? Highlighting the difficulties of a relationship even if both parties are trying their best to understand. Link to post Share on other sites
BunnyK. Posted January 7, 2007 Share Posted January 7, 2007 Actually, reading your post about your sexual feelings for your boyfriend made me go, woa. I don't get that at all (the sexual arousal part). I mean, I know and understand academically what you said, and I don't deny your experience, but it is just way out of my ability to comprehend. I have a lot of those moments here. :lol: Link to post Share on other sites
BunnyK. Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 Why did this get moved to the library? :shock: Link to post Share on other sites
Silly Green Monkey Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Let me just take a moment to look at Bunny's avatar and go awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Welcome to AVEN! Link to post Share on other sites
epiphanystars Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Hello and Welcome I'd just like to echo what M51 said. It is your right to say no. Men do not have a right of unlimited acess to their wives. While I'm unfamiliar with the laws in the US, in Canada a husband who has sex with their wife after she said no is comitting sexual assault. However, that said, marriage and relationships are about compromise on both sides. However, if by compromising you feel that youy are destroying yourself do not do it. LOVE YOURSELF ABOVE ALL OTHERS, for it is within you that you will find the capacity to love others. Link to post Share on other sites
Tool1989 Posted September 15, 2007 Share Posted September 15, 2007 It is tough to divorce and especially after you are married. I hope you guys haven't been fighting after you showed him the tape. But he can't push you into something you don't want to do. There is no love in fear. Don't force yourself to do something you don't want to do just for him (unless it's using money to buy flowers....I have always wished somebody would buy flowers for me). Don't bother going to a therapist because this is just new and some people are ignorant even therapists and they don't understand anything. You decide whether it's worth it or not. Link to post Share on other sites
jr1 Posted September 15, 2007 Share Posted September 15, 2007 I hope Kasey is ok Link to post Share on other sites
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