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For asexuals who have had sex.


Kallan

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My guess is that your trauma has made you feel negatively about sex - you seem to have some really bad associations with the act. It seems to me that a lot of the people who have been asexual from birth aren't as repulsed by sex, but are more disinterested.

I was a victim of sexual trauma and also have bad associations. They're hard to undo. But it's important to realize that they come from you. Not everyone feels sex to be a degrading experience.

BTW, I doubt you offended anyone. You need to be able to say what's on your mind.

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Yeah, don't worry violeteyedsoul, you didn't offend me at all. ;) I believe you when you say that was your experience, I just wanted to point out that there were gonna be people who really did not feel the same way about sex.

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Actually, that WAS my experience. And has been every time.

Even when I wanted to just make out.

I’m sorry if I offended you or anyone else. I was just working stuff out.

Overall, I’ve been working out wether I’m at the moment a-sexual from trauma or from, origin. And, if it’s by origin, the reason that I’ve encountered, and have been affected so negatively by my experiences.

Though, as of to date I have to admit.

I haven’t had any GOOD experiences.

I’m sorry if I offended anyone. I seem to be one of those that can’t keep my mouth shut (though I’ve been able to extremely well, in the past) when I realize something.

And this ends up usually in being an - “open mouth, insert foot.” kinda thing. Lol!:oops:

Which may also be why I’ve had such a hard time of things.

Lol!

But, ahh, yeah.

I was just now, after having slept on it, about to delete it, when I found people had responded.

I think next time I’ll try sleeping on a major post FIRST. Lol! *embarrassed* :oops: :oops:

dont worry you didnt offend anyone,being able to speak your mind and work yourself out is what we're all about here. post whatever you feel like posting (within reason :wink: ). were your experiences with your boyfriend not good too?

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I think next time I’ll try sleeping on a major post FIRST. Lol! *embarrassed*

I just want to echo what everyone else has said. Don't be embarassed. We're all confused and here to learn from one another. You're among friends.

-Chiaroscuro

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Seattleoutsider

Sadly there are people who view sex as means of gain power of someone. There are even historical and cultural things around this.

I don't feel intelligent enough to referrence this exactly in correct form but I am remember watching this program not sure if it was history of sex but they spoke of time in history and culture where to be pentrated or wish another man to be pentrated was way of taking his power away.

To pentrate meant to have power.

There are in some group this same mentality in modern day you either are one in charge i.e the pimp, or the one sold, the one who do anything be it for money or other wise, the ho.

There is modern culture that labels and judges Women and Men, depending on their sexual roles, more important, more powerful.

Some young females and males sadly are raised in this culture where the are forced by the culture that they live in they gain or lose their power based on their sexual or lack of sexual relationships.

They grow up and become adults believing this and never question it either.

There is lot of judgements on things like who is deemed okay to have sex or intimacy with or why so and so doesn't have sex and intimacy with so and so, heck it even exist in Gay and Lesibian culture at least from my experience with it.

There were at one point time in lesbian sepratest community that literally would boycot lesbian mothers with male children from events and some mothers even gave up their male children so that they could have intimate relationships with other seperatist

In same way some people can't fathom and truely believe someone can't being happy without having someone romantically or sexually in their lives magically granting them happiness.

They believe that there happiness or unhappiness stems from how fulfilling there sexual relationships are.

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violeteyedsoul
I just want to echo what everyone else has said. Don't be embarrassed. We're all confused and here to learn from one another. You're among friends.

-Chiaroscuro

WHEW! Thanks :-)

And thanks to everyone, cause I really thought I’d dug a hole for my self this time.

Lol! :oops:

SilentClips : “dont worry you didnt offend anyone,being able to speak your mind and work yourself out is what we're all about here. post whatever you feel like posting (within reason Wink ). were your experiences with your boyfriend not good too?”

Well, with out getting too deep into it, yes, and no.

I liked goofing off with him, and I ESPECIALLY liked him cause he not only REFUSED to do certain things, which in the end made me like and respect him more, and his respect for me. Myself too. But there was absolutely NO chance of ever doing it. Which made me feel even safer, and made me want to marry him infact; for that fact ALONE. He was the only one I had meat like that. And I hope to find again.

But also yeah, He got me to do stuff that I didn’t like. And infact hated.

But yeah, that’s for a different story.

Seattleoutsider: In same way some people can't fathom and truely believe someone can't being happy without having someone romantically or sexually in their lives magically granting them happiness.

They believe that there happiness or unhappiness stems from how fulfilling there sexual relationships are.”

Yeah. And sadly the more poor I get the more I want, and feel I NEED someone. Someone to help hold me up, stand beside me, comfort me, and be an escape; as well, as help me with income.

LOL! :oops:

I also read of this kind of thing happening, in my sociology book too.

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Seattleoutsider

Yeap I do understand wanting someone to care and make things better or protect you from things like homeless, dying alone in nursing care or totally alone.

I just know personally I have been with people who supposively cared and loved me, gave me things like money and yet I still was unhappy. The came point where I couldn't pretend things were different and eventually there was time where it just wasn't enoug for me, I was unhappy but I can be also unhappy alone but its feels worse to be with those whom love you and you feel entirely unloved and alone. Personally I experienced the person who provided for me in past that each time they gave me something there was price they bought parts of me and the price was they bought me, they felt they were in right to dictate how I should be, act, say, look around them, yet when it came to how they treated me there was double standard.

I wouldn't want to wish this on any one.

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I just felt so used.

Yep. Nail meet head. This is what it felt like, like I was just a toy to be used for his/her pleasure. And no, I found no difference between the genders.

This is EXACTLY how I feel about sex. I have said this more than once .... I have HUGE issues with somone using my body to satisfy themselves. Do it for yourself ...

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This is EXACTLY how I feel about sex. I have said this more than once .... I have HUGE issues with somone using my body to satisfy themselves. Do it for yourself ...

Lava, I have no idea what you've been through, sexually, but you need to understand that most sexual people are not unthinking animals. I have no interest in my wife acting as a blow-up doll for my consumption. For sexual people, sex helps cement a loving relationship. For asexuals it is threatening. There's no more to it than that.

So presenting sexual folks as universally selfish, or shallow, or "using people" is a distortion, just as much of a distortion as sexual people calling asexuals freaks. There can be no understanding if we don't push past the name-calling.

-Chiaroscuro

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But... a lot of people in this thread have said they felt used, not just LavaLamp. :? I'm having trouble seeing how her post is any different, or where she's name-calling.

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But... a lot of people in this thread have said they felt used, not just LavaLamp

I didn't actually mean to aim this at LavaLamp... I apologize if it came out that way. And I do understand that asexuals often feel angry at sexual people who demand sex. My sense is that we should try to give a reality check to these kinds of ideas when they're applied unfairly, the same way we would to racist, sexist, any sort of "ist" statements that unfairly demonized a whole group of people.

I'm a member of a sexless marriage site, and I much prefer Aven for one big reason: there's a echo chamber effect that happens when a group of people only talk to people with the same outlook, something Aven avoids. The sexless marriage site is populated by unhappy sexual folks, desperate, angry, confused. The mantra there is "it's not your fault." That's a great thing. But the flip side of it is that it's "all your spouse's fault." Post after post re-confirms what a frigid jerk everyone's spouse is. It gets to the point where it feels really fake... it can't be like that.

So I think it's important to give a reality check from the other side of the fence when something is said that seems unfair (even if I understand the anger that prompted it... I'm not judging, honestly). I hope you'll do the same when you see sexual folks being unfair.

your very nice, sexual friend,

-Chiaroscuro

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:)

We need a few more of you around here, Chia...

And point taken. This is a thread for unloading though, and I'm sure peoples' posts (including mine, which I was going to put back up after a new "post of the week" is picked) are mostly directed at the people they've been with personally. And I do think this is a good and necessary thread to have. The things that have been said in here are things we can't really say to anyone else, not even counselors. Not until counselors collectively start believing asexuality exists, anyway...

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I do understand the need to vent, Macattack: to express anger, confusion, frustration. It's important to feel that who you are is okay. That there are others like you who've had similar experiences. I've needed to vent from my side of the divide at times too.

Consider my interjection to be a brief reality-check. An individual jerk (or a whole crowd of them), shouldn't be taken as the sexual community as a whole.

That said, vent away!

-Chiaroscuro

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This is EXACTLY how I feel about sex. I have said this more than once .... I have HUGE issues with somone using my body to satisfy themselves. Do it for yourself ...

Lava, I have no idea what you've been through, sexually, but you need to understand that most sexual people are not unthinking animals. I have no interest in my wife acting as a blow-up doll for my consumption. For sexual people, sex helps cement a loving relationship. For asexuals it is threatening. There's no more to it than that.

So presenting sexual folks as universally selfish, or shallow, or "using people" is a distortion, just as much of a distortion as sexual people calling asexuals freaks. There can be no understanding if we don't push past the name-calling.

-Chiaroscuro

I do not believe that I said anything about sexual people being unthinking animals. Nor did I label sexuals as selfish or shallow. This is how I feel about sex and it is not about anyone else. My partner whom I have been with for 5 years and love dearly is sexual, I would never insult her or refer to her as an animal.

Thanks

LL

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Seattleoutsider

Sometimes our experiences and how we feel about them create our reality. Someone who had different experience or reality views things differently.

It doesn't mean one reality is better then other or false.

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I wouldn't have an issue compromising in a committed relationship and I don't know if I would even think of it as a compromise. I've been with men who I didn't care to have a future with - so it doesn't bother me. As I've said in my welcome post, I'm just very indifferent towards sex. It's not on my list of priorities at any given time. So if I am in a committed relationship and my husband wants sex, it's not a problem. I wouldn't withhold intimacy with my significant other. I'd just rather be playing a videogame or watching my anime series but as long as I can do that before or after the sex and the cuddling that's fine! lol

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Yes, I apologize, Lavalamp. I didn't mean to pick on you in particular. It was this line--

I have HUGE issues with somone using my body to satisfy themselves. Do it for yourself ...

-- that troubled me. I do not "use" the body of my wife, as if she weren't human, any more than she "uses" mine. I understand you feeling that way, but it's now how most sexuals think of sex. That's all.

-Chiaroscuro

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Hey Chiaroscuro,

Thanks for the apology :oops:

I certainly did not mean to imply that sexuals "use" others for their pleasure. (well, some do I suppose) This is how sex feels for me ... if this makes any sense. It does not mean that I am resentlful ... I am completely aware that my view of sex if very different from others.

I appreciate your comments.

LL

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I do not "use" the body of my wife, as if she weren't human, any more than she "uses" mine. I understand you feeling that way, but it's now how most sexuals think of sex. That's all.

Thanks for making this point, Chaiaroscuro. It has been good for me to make that distinction between the bad expereinces with sex that I had in my last relationship, from a generalization that sex-is-therefore-bad, and the one asking for it is an insenstive poop. It empowers me to make better choices in the future and keep an open mind about what I might, or might not do in a future relationship.

But I think a lot of these assumptions are so easy to make because - try try try as I have - I can not grasp the concept of being driven to have sex. I don't knock it in others, and am fully aware that it happens - but I have no foundation inside to base an understanding off of.

Except maybe that I feel driven to visit with my family, and friends. If someone told me that, in order to be with them I had to give up seeing my family ever again, or at least only see them knowing how distressful it was for my partner...would my drive to see my family become like sexual frustration for sexuals?

I'm really trying to find something I can relate to that will help me understand.

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But I think a lot of these assumptions are so easy to make because - try try try as I have - I can not grasp the concept of being driven to have sex. I don't knock it in others, and am fully aware that it happens - but I have no foundation inside to base an understanding off of.

I've made the comparison, with Sunset, my wife, that not being able to have sex with your beloved is like being not able to cuddle your dog. Can you imagine having a pet and not being able to touch it? Every time you tried to, it would snarl and snap at you. You could show the dog your love by feeding it, taking it for walks, speaking kindly to it... but the ability to stroke its fur, kiss its snout... all of that was prohibited. It feels like that. Only more powerful :)

-Chiaroscuro

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try try try as I have - I can not grasp the concept of being driven to have sex. I don't knock it in others, and am fully aware that it happens - but I have no foundation inside to base an understanding off of.

Fern, you put my feelings into words very nicely - thanks!

In the past, I could get quite judgmental toward my husband because of his sex drive. I don't see how love and sex are connected. In fact, I feel that if he wants to show his love, he should avoid having sex with me. Now I'm less judgmental because I realize that he's not bad, just incomprehensible.

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Chiaroscuro, sunset--I have to tell you both that I really admire the two of you. I've only been snooping around on the forums for a couple of days but I really like the understanding and easygoing way that you respond to each other and to others on the forums. Just thought I'd mention it!

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Hey thanks for replying, and I want to second Placebo's praise...you're both awesome and the perfect example of why AVEN is so great.

You could show the dog your love by feeding it, taking it for walks, speaking kindly to it... but the ability to stroke its fur, kiss its snout... all of that was prohibited. It feels like that. Only more powerful

I was reading your comparison and my knee-jerk reaction was: If I had a pet like that I would probably feed it, take it for walks, and speak kindly to it in the hopes that with enough of that it would let its guard down and finally let me pet it...And my second one was: how would I possibly express my love for my cat without petting him? How would he ever know how much I love him?

Wow. :shock:

Thanks for the insight. I'm going to go digest it fully now.

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I've made the comparison, with Sunset, my wife, that not being able to have sex with your beloved is like being not able to cuddle your dog. Can you imagine having a pet and not being able to touch it? Every time you tried to, it would snarl and snap at you. You could show the dog your love by feeding it, taking it for walks, speaking kindly to it... but the ability to stroke its fur, kiss its snout... all of that was prohibited. It feels like that. Only more powerful :)

-Chiaroscuro

wow...just wow. Thank you so much for this. I've never been able to understand my husband's need for sex - this helps. My gosh, is that what I've been doing to him all these years? :cry:

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I know this sounds off but, Why buy the pet in the first place if you can't take care of it?

Sorry. It's like I feel you want to change the pet to make it what you want it too be. But it's that way for a reason. That's its natural self. Yes it can learn to change but will it just be faking it too make you happy then end up resenting you for making it something it's not in the first place.

You know when does pleasing someone else become hurting yourself to be something your not. If that makes sense?

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I know this sounds off but, Why buy the pet in the first place if you can't take care of it?

I take your point, Helena, but this "pet" analogy is just an attempt to communicate what sex means to a sexual person in a loving relationship. You can only take an analogy so far before it breaks down.

I don't think that asexuals "should" do anything they don't feel they can do comfortably.

-Chiaroscuro

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I know this sounds off but, Why buy the pet in the first place if you can't take care of it?

Sorry. It's like I feel you want to change the pet to make it what you want it too be. But it's that way for a reason. That's its natural self. Yes it can learn to change but will it just be faking it too make you happy then end up resenting you for making it something it's not in the first place.

You know when does pleasing someone else become hurting yourself to be something your not. If that makes sense?

Struggling analogies aside, it pays to remember that if this is accurate for the asexual then it's also accurate for the sexual. Why should the asexual expect the sexual "pet" to act in a way that's not natural to it either?

This particular incompatibility is painful and uncomfortable for those on BOTH sides of the fence, and neither has the moral high ground here, in my opinion.

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Hm... I don't think I could say that sex compromises intimacy for me. I like all of the intimate stuff involved in sexual acts, and I can enjoy it because of that... I get a little bored during it, but still, the intimacy involved is good.

Same here.

What wrecked it for me was an increasingly strident expectation to "perform", as though I were nothing more than a dancing bear or something, and being treated like a criminal if I didn't.

Geez. I typically "put out" 2-3 times a week, and put everything I had into it, and enjoyed it -- but because I'm tired and want some sleep some nights, suddenly I'm the AntiChrist? And I have to hear insulting comments about it in what is supposed to be a "safe place"?

I ran into this with more than one person.

THAT was what really started making me feel disgusted with the whole thing. A feeling of being used. A feeling of what should be something intimate being used like a bludgeon, with cruel intent (though I suppose they might have been feeling I was holding out on them for the same reason, but I wasn't... and insults are hardly the way to deal with such a thing.)

When I finally realized I could live without it, what a feeling of liberation.

he's not bad, just incomprehensible.

Ha ha! If I die first, you should carve that on my headstone, sweety.

I think you may have just started a new fad in headstones.

* Orders his before the rush *

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