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For asexuals who have had sex.


Kallan

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I currently live with a group of people who hardly ever make a normal conversation, without sexual implications. I’m getting kind of sick of it all.

Yeah, I get sick of not being able to have a conversation without every other word being a sexual innuendo.

I find it easier to have casual sex than to have sex with someone I'm very intimate with. I've had friends who didn't feel they had time for a series relationship, but they still wanted sex, and came to me. I didn't feel emotionally compromised in those situations, it was like helping a friend move into a new apartment.

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If sex is just boring, it strikes me that there's room for compromise there. If it's also disgusting, okay fine, that puts it on a different level.

-Chiaroscuro

I do think there are people here who find sex simply boring and are able to compromise. I'm not one of them, but I've come across people on this site for whom that seems to be the case. Very generally it seems that there are people who are bored/uninterested in sex and can compromise; and there are people who have strong negative reactions to sex for whom compromise is harder. Does that seem to fit with what others are reading?

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That sounds right to me, sunset.

I've never had sex, but I'm pretty indifferent to the idea. If (and only if) I felt comfortable enough with someone, I'd be willing to experiment with and possibly compromise on sex.

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If sex is just boring, it strikes me that there's room for compromise there. If it's also disgusting, okay fine, that puts it on a different level.

-Chiaroscuro

Also I think a lot of it is relative. There are a lot of sexuals who want to have sex everynight. For an asexual who just finds it boring that would be like your partner wanting to watch the same boring movie everynight. Kind of a turn off.

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There are a lot of sexuals who want to have sex everynight. For an asexual who just finds it boring that would be like your partner wanting to watch the same boring movie everynight. Kind of a turn off.

Asexy Alice: "Honey, I wish we watched Casablanca more."

Sexy Sam: "Well, I wish we had sex more."

Alice: "But sex is so booooring."

Sam: "So is Casablanca."

Alice: "Really? Huh... How about if I agree to have sex with you more, you'll agree to watch the movie with me more?"

Sam: "I've got a better idea, let's have less sex."

Thanks for the answers, all. It's interesting seeing all the different directions you folks come from, even though you end at the same asexual end. Sunset's dealing with abuse, so for her sex is associated with dangerous things... I realize it's not about boredom for her. But the frequency with which the word "bored" comes up on Aven made me curious.

-Chiaroscuro

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Asexy Alice: "Honey, I wish we watched Casablanca more."

Sexy Sam: "Well, I wish we had sex more."

Alice: "But sex is so booooring."

Sam: "So is Casablanca."

Alice: "Really? Huh... How about if I agree to have sex with you more, you'll agree to watch the movie with me more?"

Sam: "I've got a better idea, let's have less sex."

-Chiaroscuro

LMAO. That's so awesome. I can see that happening a lot actually.

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But the frequency with which the word "bored" comes up on Aven made me curious.

-Chiaroscuro

although sex is boring to me,seeing my girlfriend happy isn't boring and neither is the afterglow of loads of affection n cuddling. it's all about compromise, if i'm really not up for it on a particular night i'll say so and i'll still get lots of affection n cuddles.

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although sex is boring to me,seeing my girlfriend happy isn't boring and neither is the afterglow of loads of affection n cuddling. it's all about compromise, if i'm really not up for it on a particular night i'll say so and i'll still get lots of affection n cuddles.

I never feel comfortable cuddling afterwards.

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i think cos sexuals in a relationship see the sex as the ultimate act of bonding if you will,plus girls after orgasm all sorts of chemicals get released,makes her really affectionate.i need to be told im loved n feel loved to have sex so if she DIDNT cuddle me afterwards i'd feel gutted n probably be a lot less receptive 2 her needs.

i can see from your point of view maybe you see it as you've just done something 'wrong' or 'dirty' and you dont want to be touched.

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it's not so much dirty as it is that sex always feels like a pulling apart of the relationship, like being pushed away. And then being asked to cuddle afterwards is like saying "go away" followed by "wait come back". No thanks.

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Seattleoutsider

How do I explain the boring thing.

Yes sometimes in past due to loneliness, or the need to be close to someone or just feeling flattered by their attention I got involved with these people. Sometimes there was a strong attraction or some what equivelent to a physical attraction but once the act began I found what was on tv more interesting then what was happening. I felt totally indifferent to the sex act, and just wanted it over.

The boredom for me comes from lack of feeling or discomfort in situation sometimes it literally is uncomfortable to I just want to do something else I am not interested.

The sexual is caught up with their feelings and sensations and usually totally unaware that I may be feeling different.

One of things I dislike the most of intimate relationships is this some strange demand or empathic yet unwanted need to fiullfill all their wants and demands or have to deal with unhappy camper.

I comprimise with people I care about but there does get point where I am tired, fed up and I am not interest in being in charge of fullfilling whatever desire they have. Why should I be responsible for this?

Yet I realize they aren't responsible for my lack of desire either.

Why should I be responsible for their orgasm when I am somewhat clueless of what that experience is myself? Physical intimacy shouldn't feel like a job. Why should I have to provide something that they can do at home alone?

Often it feels like people only show interest in me if they have the hope I am going to fullfill a fantasy or give them something they find too hard within themselves. They don't give a second thought to how I may be feeling and even if I did and I have the response usually is total indifference to rejection.

Perhaps boredom stems from just be down right angry at the situation on my part but not knowing how to change it.

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I never made an emotional connection with the sex.

IN fact in the midst of the second or third time i had it, i knew he'd be my one and only because it just wasn't my thing.

And while it was going on, i wasn't like caught up in the moment or anything I was like "Okay, he stopped, I should grab him and pull him in" or his tongues in my mouth - "I should suck on it" and i only knew to do that stuff cause he had told me before hand.

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I comprimise with people I care about but there does get point where I am tired, fed up and I am not interest in being in charge of fullfilling whatever desire they have. Why should I be responsible for this?

I suspect that "fulfilling whatever desire your partner has" isn't what your partner is expecting from you. That just doesn't happen in a relationship. Not on any level. I certainly never expected my girlfriends to be sexual vending machines. I wanted to be with them in many ways, reading, hiking, eating, talking, having sex... whichever seemed appropriate and fun at the time. Sex was only ever really an issue with my wife (and with one other girl, now that I think of it), most of the time it happened when it felt natural, and if it didn't, one of us would say "no thanks", and explain to the other one that we weren't rejecting them, we were just tired, irritable, whatever. If it didn't become a pattern, it didn't become an issue. What's threatening to sexuals is when it DOES become a pattern. Then it feels like the "I have a headache" is a lie, and the real reason is "I don't desire you."

That's why, as a sexual fellow, I'd suggest being very open about what you expect from your partner sexually, and doing it sooner rather than later in the relationship. It's important not to let the "you don't desire me" dynamic sink in, it's very hurtful and hard to overcome for the sexual partner.

your friend,

-Chiaroscuro

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Seattleoutsider

Maybe its the people I am meeting or something but often I feel like vending machine because of their demands, which often are endless and when I close up shop they don't really find much usefullness in the relationship with me. I have had even non-sexual friendships like that when they all its to borrow money or something at its endless.

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suspect that "fulfilling whatever desire your partner has" isn't what your partner is expecting from you. That just doesn't happen in a relationship. Not on any level. I certainly never expected my girlfriends to be sexual vending machines.

I'm sorry, Seattleoutsider, I realize I was unclear in the quote above. What I meant to say was that "fulfilling every desire" doesn't happen in a relationship, not that partners never DEMAND that you fulfill their desires. I do understand people being demanding. I have a neighbor who just assumes I'll do all sorts of things for him at the drop of a hat. I'm happy to be a good neighbor, but come on, there are limits!

So, NO you have no responsibility to fulfill your partner's every desire. That is not what a reasonable sexual person expects from a relationship, anyway. Just like a reasonable friend doesn't expect you to lend him money beyond a certain limit.

*hug*

Chiaroscuro

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I'll elaborate on the "boring" thing also. For me I think it's that I don't get emotionally into sex. There's 101,000 other things I'd rather be doing and sex isn't enough to get my mind off of what else I could be doing. Plus because of teh infrequency of teh act, my husband tends to drag it out as long as I'll let him. Sex is not short for me. And because of my lack of emotional/mental into the act state, I don't orgasm, so no happy glow afterward for me. Oh well.

I will say that he does remind me every time that I can stop whenever I need/want to. Sex is very confusing, I don't get it at all.

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Before the first time I teared up a bit and I had to stop my self and say "dude, then you'll know for sure... and its only sex, so wtf?". I wouldn't say it was boring, it just didn't do anything for me. Some of it felt good, but not as good as a really good cigarette. To me it doesn't do any intimacy, good or bad.

I currently live with a group of people who hardly ever make a normal conversation, without sexual implications. I’m getting kind of sick of it all.

Innuendo doesn't bother me, actualy I do it a lot. Talking about real sex, that bother me, then I actualy HAVE to think about it... and ewww

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I don't like sex it's painful. I don't enjoy it I grit my teeth and wait till it's over or find a way to get out of it. I told people when I was younger I did not enjoy sex after my first horrible experience through hell. They said I hadn't met the right guy. I usually would end up having sex for other people because they called me gay or some guy liked me. I felt in pain physically and mentally afterwards. To me these are some of the worst experiences of my life.

I feel trapped in sexual hell ville. With all the sexuals constantly harassing me to have sex or be sexual it's disgusting the more they throw it at me the more repulsed I get looking and talking witht them. Everyone around seems so obsessed with sex it's repulsive. They all look like sick sexual predators trying to kill each other. I am so sick of hearing about sex and all things sexual I want to live in a world where the sexuals are all gone.

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Innuendo doesn't bother me, actualy I do it a lot. Talking about real sex, that bother me, then I actualy HAVE to think about it... and ewww

I like telling dirty jokes too, I find that sexual people twitch more about them than I do. For example, If I make a joke about...bestiality say...I'm not disturbed because I know I'm not going to be aroused or anything. I think some sexual people get disturbed because on some level they do get aroused by the joke, even if that's really not their thing.

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I feel trapped in sexual hell ville.

Hi Helena,

You sound like you're very unhappy. Nobody wants to be harassed or physically assaulted. Have you visited a therapist? I'm not suggesting that you "fix" anything about yourself, but it's nice to have someone to help you cope with difficult feelings. I've found therapy to be a wonderful, life-affirming experience. It can be expensive without health insurance, but there are organizations that offer therapy at no cost (particularly if you've had a history of abuse).

best,

-Chiaroscuro

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I think some sexual people get disturbed because on some level they do get aroused by the joke, even if that's really not their thing.

As a sexual, I think that any uncomfortableness (at least in my case), would come more from the inappropriateness of a sick joke than its subject. A really funny person can ridicule just about anything and make you laugh, but much of it is timing.

Have you experienced the person who can creep everyone in the room out with a totally out-of-the-blue racist comment that they thought was hilarious? That's more about bad social awareness than anything else.

-Chiaroscuro

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Seattleoutsider

Chiaroscuro thanks for response. Yeah its taken me while to realize there certain things that I am not responsible for and others aren't responsible for fixing with me but its weird there was a time and there still times where its hard not to feel because of how the others in my life are acting that they only want me in life for some type of emotional, physical or finicial fullfillment. Yet it still bugs me and I still get really cranky around certain social, potential sexual situations and I tend not want any one near me at all.

As child I basically was forced into very sexual role as means of survival it took me long time to overcome this role as adult.

Physical pain with sex is so annoying too. I use to hide it with Alchol and drugs. When I got sober and clean I realized I really really couldn't deal with sex especially due to pain.

I have been myself to several health and mental health profressionals and from personal experience dealing with this and them around this hasn't been very helpful.

I remember one asking about pain issues with sex and he looked at me like I was crazy and said "huh"

The other said sex and sex problems was all in my head. That people who are paralyzed can have orgasms, implying that there was something wrong with me. Great use of 200 dollars.

There been few good therapist and doctors out there too who were very kind but by then it was just like I don't want to bother to fix my sex life anymore or be physically close with anyone by then.

I spent most of my younger life forcing myself to have sex because of early training that I didn't know how to undo.

Its taken me a while to learn and still have relapses in this but there somethings I am not responsible for and I keep pretty much to myself and live as recluse now because I really don't want to deal with other people's opinions. But there is saying Arseholes are like opinions everyone has one and its none of my business what others think about me. People may think I am bearded lady or strange man with boobs and I am perverted freaky gay person but you know what so what why would I want people around me who have no ablity to treat me with kindness and respect? Why would I want to share something intimate about myself or my body with someone especially when the whole encounter is physically painful and unpleasant? I don't have to have sex to survive today. Yet sometimes it does get me that there are certain things I am constantly bombarded with but weird thing is more I try to avoid certain people, topics, things they appear in full force. The angry I get the worse I feel it doesn't always help me in long runor any one else yet it does give me the opportunity to lash back at those who represent someone who reminds me of someone who really hurt me as kid. Except I never get in these sexual type of people's faces but I want too. I found myself watching Dateline's to catch a predator and I found myself screaming at the television. I think I was screaming because I was pissed off that fact I was taught if I was going to be man I had to be like those predators. I refuse to be that type of man in order to prove my masculinity or be sexual fullfilled. I am so glad I don't think with my gentilla. Tet I have my emotional needy sexual moments in past. I didn't like how it felt. I may feel emotional or animalistic about things in past but it felt really uncomfortable, especially around sex and physical closeness. I wasn't automatically numb and uninterested it took years of trauma and just not wanting to feel powerless over something I didn't understand how to handle to get to that place personally for me.

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"I basically was forced into very sexual role as means of survival it took me long time to overcome this role as adult.

Physical pain with sex is so annoying too. I use to hide it with Alchol and drugs. When I got sober and clean I realized I really really couldn't deal with sex especially due to pain.

I have been myself to several health and mental health profressionals and from personal experience dealing with this and them around this hasn't been very helpful.

I remember one asking about pain issues with sex and he looked at me like I was crazy and said "huh"

The other said sex and sex problems was all in my head. "- Seattly outsider.

I totally feel what you are saying seattle outsider. I hate that when people say oh it's all psycho semantical. It totally brushes off your feelings. Like i'm human, I feel, listen to what I say it's my body I know the truth.

Beastility okay is gross. But like people rubber necking at a car reck they are sickened and fascinated by sickness. Usually I find that these people that talk about sick things in public are the less than compassionate people of the world because they do not feel what the other people or anyone else in the world is feeling. Very one sided.

Yes I am an angry person. It's my problem I have to deal with it it makes life harder especially when getting along with people. So i'll try to watch what I say since it offends. It's an unhappy world if you don't already know you soon will. Sorry there I did it agian. About me coming off unhappy I say; I just told my story and vented about always being around over sexed perverts.

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Seattleoutsider

Helena,

I understand your anger. I always thought it came from the life I was force to live as street kid, street kids attract all sort of perverts.

The strange thing is for longest time I thought this was just normal for guys.

Part of reason why I broke up with my x, even though he was and is really sweet guy is he get stuck on these really perverse subjects of sexual nature, go on and on about the same subject literally for days.

Being polite and nonconfrontational I would listen until I the point I couldn't stand it any more.

Finally I told him how much it bothers me his response was well this is what guys say to each other, if you want to be taken seriously and not be beaten up as some sissy guy you got to get use it.

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if you want to be taken seriously and not be beaten up as some sissy guy you got to get use it.

That's such a sad commentary on the state of things. I'm not gay, but god bless the gay-pride movement. It's okay for girls to wear pants, but heaven forbid a boy should be a sissy. We clearly have some work ahead of us as a society. Maybe by the time my son gets to High School? Wouldn't that be nice...

-Chiaroscuro

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violeteyedsoul

This is what sex is for me.

I just had a Eureka moment and had to share it.

I figured it would be safe to post this here since; well, this is technically a place about sexuality; or sex in general.

None of this is meant to offend anyone in any way shape or form.

But it can be seen as rather blasphemous, SO! if you don't like it, then don't read it.

But this is what I have discovered for myself.

This thread really upset me cause of the truth I found in it. And have been struggling with whether or not I’m truly A-sexual.

Whether I’m trying to neatly pigeon hole myself or not, and I’m actually NOT an a-sexual.

I’d like to know.

But this is the way it is for ME in MY Life.

I have been struggling with this for the past few days, or well, ever since I found this thread; and this is the truth, that I have come upon. I know others haven't had the same experiences, and DON'T feel, &/or see things the same way.

I just ask that no one takes offense because it's not meant to be that way.

I'm still, after reading this thread wondering if I am TRULY A-sexual, or just untrustworthy. (For obvious reasons; if you read my introduction in the "welcome" thread. -labeled: hi, i guess)

It could be a bit of both.

And I have had a EUREKA moment, where I came back to some of my OWN P E R S O NA L CORE TRUTHS, and have re-established that I believe that I AM A-sexual.

It seems to me that there is a trend starting to appear in these posts.

For a sexual' date=' sex [i']expresses[/i] intimacy, but, for an asexual, it compromises it.

That was certainly my experience as well.

-Greybird

[quote="Kallan"The sex issue endded up alienating me from my partners. What seemed the worst for me is that afterwards they would always describe a feeling of intimacy, that we had grown closer because of it. This drove me away because on the inside I felt the exact opposite. I felt that the act had pushed us apart and torn away at the love between us.

Although, technically we did not have sex itself, we did nearly anything and everything else.

But the thing is is that, it brought me closer to them.

Instead of driving me away.

Does that mean I’m not a-sexual?

...

I figured I was until, I came upon this – above quoted – fact.

...

...

Also, to quote WhosScruffyLookin:

Although I do find 'foreplay' to be quite a bit of fun but I don't feel like I can get my physical affection need because to so many sexuals the kissing, hugging, cuddling, touching translates to 'I want sex' and I don't want sex, I just want some physical affection.”

“I was happy, felt fulfilled”

This is the same way I feel. After, like goofing off. But I have to admit I don’t want sex. Even if it means I’m married to them, and they are trustworthy.

Only THEN would I be willing to CONSIDER it; but I still would want, for me, to keep my dignity. And they should love me enough to not want to hurt me like that, and also give me respect by not wanting to shame me like that.

And I them.

Of course. Actually, I suppose. I don’t mind shaming them. Just not myself. But the act itself shames you. Me. BOTH partners. AUTOMATICALLY. Soo, I don’t want it.

I have found that when you have sex with someone you loose your respect for them. They are no longer your equal.

It’s the same for BOTH genders.

You just CAN’T see them as equal anymore. It’s impossible. They are now automatically, by design below you.

And you them. -probably, since they see you in the same light now.

This is what is fundamentally wrong with sex.

Everyone tries to deny it, but it’s the truth.

It’s one of the most demeaning, degrading, and repulsive things out there.

for me I would want to NOT have sex to save the marriage. Everyone always states that in a relationship; it’s when sex enters into it that it falls apart.

The same is true for married couples.

Which is no wonder based on what has already been established.

But no one want s to admit to it.

The only thing with marriage is that the two cannot get away form each other.

The relationship automatically falls apart anyway, but now it has to be dealt with cause you are ot allowed to get away form each other.

If I had to have sex with anyone I WOULD hold it against them.

And put it on their head. And lay it on their head.

For it is theirs and theirs alone.

I would NEVER want to do such a thing.

for me if he TRULY L O V E S me then he won’t want to have sex with me. For my own dignity.

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Hm... I don't really understand your reasoning about sex, violeteyedsoul. I don't see how having sex automatically puts your partner below you, in your eyes. (You as in general "you"). :?

At least, this is how it's been in my experience. I never felt it was either degrading, repulsive, or demeaning. Are you sure this was not just your experience?

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I have found that when you have sex with someone you loose your respect for them. They are no longer your equal.

I understand that this is how sex feels to you, violet-e-s, but it honestly is NOT how I have experienced it. I've found sex to be fun, natural, creative, adult play. For me it's a bonding experience, like holding hands or hugging, or going out to dinner with someone you love, just more intimate.

I've lost respect for people, certainly. It happens every day. But sex has never factored into it. Just as an aside, I deeply respect my wife, (with whom I've had sex... just not recently 8) )

-Chiaroscuro

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"for me if he TRULY L O V E S me then he won’t want to have sex with me. For my own dignity."

sexuals feel the opposite, for if she truly loves me they she'd want to have sex with me. jus bear it in mind,there is a compromise. i talked it over today with my partner and she didnt get what i was getting out of us having sex,to which i answered,it pleases you and i like seeing you happy,you do things to make me happy. i dont feel below her n i certainly dont see her as below me.

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violeteyedsoul

I wish I could quote several people in this.

:-D*embarrassed*

SilentClips: “i talked it over today with my partner and she didnt get what i was getting out of us having sex,to which i answered,it pleases you and i like seeing you happy,you do things to make me happy. i dont feel below her n i certainly dont see her as below me.”

*nods*

hmm,

yeah. I understand.

Actually, when I had a boyfriend, that's EXACTLY what I was saying to him all the time.

ghosts: “I never felt it was either degrading, repulsive, or demeaning. Are you sure this was not just your experience?”

Actually, that WAS my experience. And has been every time.

Even when I wanted to just make out.

I’m sorry if I offended you or anyone else. I was just working stuff out.

Chiaroscuro: “I deeply respect my wife,”

If you truly still see her as an equal in every way, then this gives me hope.

I hope to find someone like that.

Overall, I’ve been working out wether I’m at the moment a-sexual from trauma or from, origin. And, if it’s by origin, the reason that I’ve encountered, and have been affected so negatively by my experiences.

Though, as of to date I have to admit.

I haven’t had any GOOD experiences.

I’m sorry if I offended anyone. I seem to be one of those that can’t keep my mouth shut (though I’ve been able to extremely well, in the past) when I realize something.

And this ends up usually in being an - “open mouth, insert foot.” kinda thing. Lol!:oops:

Which may also be why I’ve had such a hard time of things.

Lol!

But, ahh, yeah.

I was just now, after having slept on it, about to delete it, when I found people had responded.

I think next time I’ll try sleeping on a major post FIRST. Lol! *embarrassed* :oops: :oops:

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