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No Clue what to do...


susieblue

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Sorry to have pissed you off. But I am pissed off as well, and I don't see my husband coming to this website looking for answers on how to help me overcome my sexual frustration he's inflicting on me.

I am the only victim in our relationship. Nobody made him a victim but himself. His sexual orientation is hurting me. Mine is not hurting him.

But, I want to help him. I guess that is not possible? Like you can't make a gay have sex with a woman?

:x You don't realize how much this one post offends me.

1. Why does HE need help? He obviously knows what he wants and doesn't want. You seem to be coming here to look for ways to change him. Maybe you two are not right for each other.

2. I have been in his situation before, and I must say my ex's sexual orientation hurt me quite a bit--constantly assuming I must not have loved her because I didn't want sex or enjoy it. I most certainly loved her, and I wasn't cold. I just didn't think getting naked=love.

Please watch what you say before posting.

I did not mean to offend you.

Your post really hurts me. Maybe you and myself should start to watch what we are posting. Maybe not.

It is not my intension to hurt or offend anybody here. All I'm doing is venting, otherwise I will explode. Why don't you just read and take in and understand how sexuals tick? Don't be so defensive. All this is about is learning from one another.

But I feel sorry for you, for not communicating enough with your ex, so she would have an understanding of your feelings.

I am going through a lot of bullshit, but, I can see clearer every day. AVEN really helps me.

LOT'S of emotions are in me, for my husband and for myself. And I strongly believe that we are right for each other, last 20 years proved that. I assume, you would not understand why the situation came to a boiling point right now. For me it seemed logical and on time. Ever heard of the last drop of water that made the barrell overflow?

My GOD, I did not come here to change him!!!!!!! I came here to understand. I WANT TO UNDERSTAND WHATS GOING ON!!

I am sure your ex did not come to this site to learn about your asexuality, explains why you are so angry, and I am sorry, that must hurt. Maybe you should work on your communication skills with your sexual partners and be a more empathetic person. Learn to express what it is you are feeling or not feeling, don't just push your Partner away, and automatically assume all will be ok. I belive the ASEXUAL has to show some love (not sex) in order for the SEXUAL to understand.

ASEXUALITY needs to be explaind, not sexuality. NAKED= NO SEX does not cut it.

I am in search for answers, that will make me respect and understand Asexuality.

I had quite a weekend with my husband. We talked like we never talked before. We opend up like we never did before. I feel good now, knowing that he let me peek through his wall he build around himself.

I understood for the most part why he acts the way he acts. I have to be more direct and open. I set myself up for disappointment if I wait for him. I am learning to understand and respect how he thinks. Lot's of daily situations need to be handled conflict free, all of our life is sexual if you think about it. Advertisements, Commercials, books, everything is being created by sexual minds. Even family, friends, pets, strangers, cars(I always thought of a porsche to be totally sexy) everything is sexual. This must be so strange for asexuals.

I felt like he understood, for the first time in so many years. He not so much knows how it feels to miss sex, closeness, intimacy and all that what sexuals are feeling..... in a mixed-marriage, but he felt and is feeling my pain. MY PAIN, which has nothing to do with Sexuality or asexuality. I am not sure if anybody can understand that. Frankly I don't give a Damn.

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Maybe you should work on your communication skills with your sexual partners and be a more empathetic person. Learn to express what it is you are feeling or not feeling, don't just push your Partner away, and automatically assume all will be ok. I belive the ASEXUAL has to show some love (not sex) in order for the SEXUAL to understand.

ASEXUALITY needs to be explaind, not sexuality. NAKED= NO SEX does not cut it.

Look, several people have mentioned that asexuals are not heartless, cold, or unempathetic, so why do you keep bringing that up? You may not think your husband is expressing his love to you because he doesn't desire sex - well, think again. There is more than one way to express love. If sex was the only way to express our love, we would be doing it with family members, friends, pets, etc... It is very likely that he IS expressing his love, but because you are sexual, you just don't see it the way he does.

Yes, asexuality does need to be explained. But you have got to stop making these generalisations about us; otherwise you could get all the explanations in the world and your mental block still wouldn't allow you to understand.

Just because we don't desire sex, that doesn't mean we are pushing our partners away. If anything, we are trying to bring them closer to us in other ways.

That said, I am glad that you are starting to talk to him.

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Maybe you should work on your communication skills with your sexual partners and be a more empathetic person. Learn to express what it is you are feeling or not feeling, don't just push your Partner away, and automatically assume all will be ok. I belive the ASEXUAL has to show some love (not sex) in order for the SEXUAL to understand.

ASEXUALITY needs to be explaind, not sexuality. NAKED= NO SEX does not cut it.

Look, several people have mentioned that asexuals are not heartless, cold, or unempathetic, so why do you keep bringing that up? You may not think your husband is expressing his love to you because he doesn't desire sex - well, think again. There is more than one way to express love. If sex was the only way to express our love, we would be doing it with family members, friends, pets, etc... It is very likely that he IS expressing his love, but because you are sexual, you just don't see it the way he does.

Yes, asexuality does need to be explained. But you have got to stop making these generalisations about us; otherwise you could get all the explanations in the world and your mental block still wouldn't allow you to understand.

Just because we don't desire sex, that doesn't mean we are pushing our partners away. If anything, we are trying to bring them closer to us in other ways.

That said, I am glad that you are starting to talk to him.

If you DO NOT desire sex with your husband/wife/SO, it DOES mean that YOU ARE pushing him/her away. At least it feels like that to the sexual in the relationship. That is the best explaination I can give you. Everybody sexual will agree with me on that.

I do not have a mental block... I don't even know how to respond to that. I am puzzeld that you would think like that. Without blaming /offending/hurting anybody: I am almost positive that ASEXUALS have a mental block.

You want a sexual wife to accept her husband's asexuality. Well, I am not and I most certainly never will. Because I will be in the Psychiatric Hospital if I do.

I know and see my husband loves me, he is expressing it every day. My mom does too, so my brothers, my friends, even my dog. There is a difference, with the one you have sex with. It's closer, more nuturing. It's like creating a string from one soul to the other. A connection, a soul connection, that is something you will never experience if you never have sex with somebody you love. I am talking about MAKING LOVE. You MAKE love with your soul mate, and not with your mother, friends.......

Your last sentence was not clear to me:

I am also glad that my husband started to talk to me, after my many attempts to get him to talk.

Here is something I found on the net:

What kind of underlying problems might some asexuals have -- and what kind of "help" could they be missing out on? Well, no one's leaping to the conclusion that they need some sort of creepy reprogramming ; nor is there -- yet -- some sort of quick-fix libido pill. And, of course, a given individual's asexuality may not have one single simple-to-identify cause. But there are some areas an expert would begin to investigate right way. For one thing, endocrine testing might, in some cases, reveal low levels of androgens (such as testosterone), which could diminish sex drive -- and could, in theory, be addressed with hormone replacement therapy. Some might have a chronic anxiety disorder that, in effect, causes so many thoughts to whirl in their heads that there's no room left for sex. (In this case, anxiety medication might be part of treatment, but that would be to lessen the distractions from sex, not to restore the drive itself.) Others might have mild or undiagnosed cases of syndromes such as Asperger's, which can make them uncomfortable with all manner of personal contact.

Sexual short circuits can also be caused by childhood trauma -- which, experts say, is often much more subtle than a specific experience of sexual abuse, or even, say, a parent's warning that masturbators go blind, then to hell. "Becoming a sexual human being is a long and subtle process and many things must go right in one's family of origin for the child to connect sexuality and love," says Aline Zoldbrod. "I have had several patients who came into treatment asexual, completely confused, because they came from 'good' families. But on closer examination, it turned out that certain necessary ingredients were missing: these patients got good care in practical ways -- they were fed, clothed, sent to school -- but they were not touched lovingly by their parents at all. They simply had never experienced physical pleasure in their bodies that they linked to the emotional pleasure of being in a relationship."

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I think it is fine for an asexual to not have sex with their partner, but I do not think it is fine for an asexual to demand that their partner also remain sex-free.

This was not an easy opinion for me to come to--open relationships scare the crap out of me--but it seems cruel to inflict my lifestyle on someone I love and care about. If I lose my partner to someone else, then he was not mine to begin with...

--T

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If you DO NOT desire sex with your husband/wife/SO, it DOES mean that YOU ARE pushing him/her away.

What, so because I don't want that kind of physical closeness with someone, that means I'm actively and consciously pushing them away? I don't want to take a shit with anyone standing in the bathroom stall with me watching, so does that mean I'm antisocial? I don't want to eat my friend's puke, does that mean that I'm not really a true friend? I know those analogies are really out there, but just because I don't want someone else's liquids inside me (and vice versa) that doesn't mean that I am pushing them away. Everyone needs personal space to some extent.

On another note, why do you have to assume that asexuals have a problem? For most of us, this is just THE WAY WE ARE. We don't have underlying "trauma" or "problems", and medication won't cure us, because there is nothing WRONG with being asexual.

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FelineFanatic

Hi! There are other people here in your situation, both like you and those with an asexual wife and sexual husbamd. Try reading some posts in the relationships forum (sexual). Similar posts have also been made in the older asexuals forum. Do not worry about your age. Some here consider themselves older at 24. Welcome. :cake::cake:

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SUSIEBLUE - I don't know your age but I will guess...

puberty ( 14 ) plus 6 plus 20 years = approx 40 or thereabouts.

If you and your husband are so polarized in your sexual orientation, and you are so unhappy, why are you still together? Why haven't you left him years ago? You could have found a sexually active male ( they are everywhere) and lived a very happy life with all the sex you want. People who are as polarized as you can only learn to hate each other if the pressure to perform is constant.

I think you stayed because of the challenge. You (in your selfish way) determined that you will MAKE HIM want you. You will make him want to have sex with you. And your challenge has become an obsession. And a big drama.

HERE IS THE THING: You can NOT make people do sexually what they are not able to do. You can NOT force sex upon people and expect to be loved in return.

If you stopped chasing your husband around for sex, he would not be running away from you and leave you cold. If you accepted him for the way he is, and not demand sex on every turn, he would be there to hold you and caress you and make you feel loved.

Asexual people also want to feel loved, appreciated, cared for, embraced, and even kissed. But you make it impossible.

Your own actions and demands chase him away from you. I think that he could be loving and affectionate with you (without sex) and he would do those kind and gentle things but he WILL NOT DO THAT BECAUSE HE KNOWS you will demand sex afterwards. So he prefers to do nothing.

Maybe he feels abandoned by you because of your agresson. If only you stopped begging for sex and accepted the non-sexual relationship, you could have the hugs and caresses and embrace you long for.

You can't win this one - you can't MAKE HIM break down the door to have sex with you. HE IS ASEXUAL. GET THAT INTO YOUR HEAD. YOU NEED another man for sex.

after all these years... you should have learned something.

I think you are in it for the drama.

Alexis

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Lifespace: I was going to quote your post and disagree with almost everything in it, but that's a waste of my time. Instead, I will just say that your post was more full of generalizations and bad assumptions than anything susieblue has posted, and it was rude and unneccessary to boot. If you are that defensive that you need to come to someone else's WELCOME POST - someone obviously in a lot of pain - and basically blame them for everything that's wrong with their relationship, you need to invest some time in meditation or whatever and calm the heck down. Sheesh.

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after all these years... you should have learned something.

I think you are in it for the drama

Alexis, your post is so full of your own projections, I think it's more about you than about Susieblue. You're obviously angry... are you feeling pressured by your partner? Is this diatribe for his or her ears? It's not for Susie... because you can have no idea where she is coming from. You haven't walked in her shoes.

Some humility and tolerance please (particularly since it's what you're demanding from the sexual side of the divide).

-Chiaroscuro

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Chiaroscuro is probably right: these are all Alexis (lifespace') own projections.

But basically we are all human: sexual or asexual. We all have compassion. If we see a hurt human being we want to help. If we see a hurt animal, we want to help.

If your partner does not want to have sex, it feels like you are laying somewhere with a broken heart not being able to help yourself, and your partner is taking a step over you whisteling an uplifting song. Even if you say something..... it will be turned around, making you feel like a horny ass. (sorry)

THAT HURTS, AND THAT CREATES A DRAMA CIRCLE, after being surprised, you will want to change, realising you cant, you get frustrated and then angry. After a while you just give up. Then the vicious circle starts again. Took me 20 Years to circle a bad 20 times.

This time I am making my round for the very last time.

LOVE is a very very strong feeling, Love made me stay with him despite the lack of his sexuality. Love made me forgive him every single time I was hurt by his lack of sexuality, the Love I have for him made me question my sexuality, not his. Real Love is something that comes with many years spent side by side. A lot of shared trust and good times, that are far better then the "bad" times.

MOST IMPORTANT: We sexuals are able to give up the pure sexact, but not the emotions that come with having sex with a loved one...

I am not in it for the Drama, that is so absurd.

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Hi, I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. I am a newbie and I see the last posting was a week ago but I still wanted to add a few words.

I suppose it appears petty- but I was a bit taken by surprise that a woman was having that side of the problem and the man was asexual.

I personally would like to be in a marriage that encompassed everything of a shared and committed life except sexual intercourse. I at one time in my life had a boyfriend who was willing to continue to be such after I expressed my problems with sex. I still broke things off as I felt I should "fix" myself. I spent lots of money (and years) at a Program in Human Sexuality and the outcome is I couldn't. I had to insist to them to test my testosterone levels, and alas they were "normal"; no pill I could pop to make it all better. I was hoping for such a simple solution.

I know that I can't compromise enough on this issue to have a marriage with a sexual person, though I want everything else that a marriage offers. I didn't want to make myself do things against my core being, and I don't want to deny another person the things they need.

I have two friends who are asexual (my definition- not necessarily theirs) who are married and are struggling/compromising with the issue as you are.

20 years right? I am curious, why now after 20 years is it at a breaking point for you?

I wish you all the best. Sincere regards.

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It's like creating a string from one soul to the other. A connection, a soul connection, that is something you will never experience if you never have sex with somebody you love. I am talking about MAKING LOVE. You MAKE love with your soul mate, and not with your mother, friends.......

All I can add is that I have had that kind of connection with someone. The string between the souls, love so powerful it makes the rest of the world look like a painting of itself, everlasting kind of love. And we didn't have sex. (Okay, yes we eventaully parted because of the lack of sex, but the bond remains completely intact between us today)

I don't think you have to make love with your soulmate.

I think you make love with your soul, mate.

The the body is actually not the necessary ingredient.

That said, I hear your frustration and confusion and I wish you all the best. You're being honest and standing by your needs, and that's admirable. I suspect your husband is doing the same. Maybe no one is to blame, or in need of justification. I also hope you're still kicking around this site, and finding what you need here.

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SUZIEBLUE: Your reply to my post was much more sincere, much more heartfelt than your original post. When I read your original post I felt your anger, bitterness, and disappointment, putting blame on your husband for his sexual rejection of you - not accepting his Asexuality as a state of being - that combined with 20 years of endurance - I thought WHY?

This board is an open forum I speak openly. I am not looking for approval and I state my own personal views as I see fit. Sometimes people need to hear the plain truth in simple language - one of them being "you can't make him love you if he doesn't" but this does not apply to you. I observed many men and women in my life playing sexual games, and believe me, there is always a trade off why they do or don't do something. Susieblue, your anguish seems to be a result of sexual polarity /mismatch and not the lack of loving. The reason you stayed is apparent.

Now that I know of your great love for him I understand. I know about the "agape" kind of love - coined by the Greeks. It is a selfless kind of love, loving without conditions, or expectations, putting the needs and desires of the loved one before your own. Its sort of the way God loves us. This is a very lonely and painful kind of love. Some people can love from a distance, that transcends time. You must have suffered a lot over the years loving him and feeling rejected. I understand it was not for the drama.

Some people suggested (above) that I am projecting: I understand too well the aggressive pursuit of partners trying to have sex and their unreasonable demands. I wish I had knows when I was much younger, what Asexuality was; I could have avoided a lot of unpleasantness in my life and in my marriages earlier on, never having discussed Asexuality, not questioning, not knowing, other than his anger for being in a sexless marriage. The anger made him turn away and the gap widened.

Someone asked on one of the boards if a sexual person can live happily with an Asexual partner - the answer is a definite NO. One or both will sooner or later feel rejected and it brings a flood of ill feelings. Sexual partners are not open to accepting Asexuality. This polarity can not be fixed. People need to understand, that having no sexual desire for someone, does NOT mean we can't love someone very deeply. We can even have orgasm without the sex. Each person has their own reasons why - and even I don't know the answers to that.

Alexis

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Chiaroscuro: I saw your profile. you are a sexual person. What exactly are you doing hiding out in the Asexual forum? Looking for understanding of the "error" of our ways? since you aren't getting any?

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20 years right? I am curious, why now after 20 years is it at a breaking point for you?

I am not really sure. I feel stronger then ever. My husband said it feels to him like I've lost some love for him. Whatever that means.

I am not working for the first time in my life. Kids are off to college. I feel if I do not change anything now, it will never happen. Call it midlife crisis, I call it waking up. I really really love him, but I have realised that I do NOT want to continue like this. I feel like I have a deficit. Something everybody has, just not me. It might sound selfish to you.

But I feel that I'd rather be forever alone then being faced with this longing for the rest of my life. I want him in my life, there is no question about that. He will always be my best friend.

The thing is he is trying hard to change things, me too. We know that this is our last chance. So sorry that this ultimatum is coming from my side, makes me feel really bad.

I have been depressed for a long long time. I can not remember the last time being sunny and happy. I play a game for family and friends. I am not being honest to myself. Ever since he is trying, my knot in my stomach is lifting. I feel better. I feel he cares about my needs, and most of all shows understanding. He wants to make me happy, and feeling him wanting this is making me happy.

He said he finally understands what I have been going through. Reading my posts here, made him realise. He has an absolut lack of sexuality. He never thinks about it, never desires it. And I never reminded him (only when I got really depressed). He was a happy little camper all through our marriage. He is a genius in ignoring. If he can't fix something he'll stay away from it, never trying again. If he can't change something he is not talking about it.

Funny that my beginning post seem not as heartfelt as the ones I am posting now. I feel that I am more and more distancing myself from him. And that seems more sincere and heartfeld for an asexual (lifespace).

In the beginning I was crying while writing these posts......

I am not putting blame on my husband for his lack of sexuality, but for his lack of communicating. We never yell, call each other names, saying hurtful things. I am not putting pressure on him, I do not chase him around for sex. Never did that. I never will, and never did put him in a compromising situation. I love and respect him too much. He likes to cuddle in bed, but never did I turn it around and pressured him for sex. Although I had the wildest fantasies about it. :oops:

lifespace said: Asexual people also want to feel loved, appreciated, cared for, embraced, and even kissed. But you make it impossible.

I can honestly say I loved him, appreciated him, I cared for him and embraced him very often in our time toghether without asking for sex afterwards. Can he say the same? I am trying to make it possible for him, he never initiates.

I will never accept a non-sexual relationship, I have also realised that, otherwise I would not be here typing.

Another man for sex? That is not what I need. I do not want some strange dude fucking my brains out. That is disgusting even to write *brrrrr*

I want my husband to make love to me. I want to make love to my husband. I want to feel his nacked body on my nacked body. I want him to caress me, I want to caress him. I want him to kiss my neck, I want to kiss his neck. I want to feel his hot breath in my ear, I want to breath in his ear. I want to be close to him, and I want him to be close to me. Holding each other. I want him to want me.

Another man could not give me the same satisfaction. I would have to fall in Love with another man. And I have not done that in the last 20 years, I did have opportunities, but they were all "nothing" compared to my husband.

Main thing: He is communicating with me for the first time. It feels like I am getting to know him all over again from a different perspective. He finally talks.

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What exactly are you doing hiding out in the Asexual forum? Looking for understanding of the "error" of our ways? since you aren't getting any?

"Hiding out?"

"aren't getting any?"

-Chiaroscuro

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Alright, reading through I understand why a lot of people are getting frustrated here. I admit that I've been bristling up at some of the things and assumptions said here about asexuals. But I realize the frustration that you are going through, susieblue. The lack of communication would be very hurtful for anyone- we've seen this on the sexual side and on the asexual side. It feels like the partner doesn't care about how you're feeling.

As others have said, I think it's important to note that not all asexuals act or feel the same way. Many asexuals openly communicate with others about their asexuality, and many still do not know about asexuality and are still confused. Some have been able to compromise in sexual relationships. Some feel frustrated at the seeming lack of caring that their sexual partner has for what *they* are feeling. As for being affectionate- I am very affectionate with people that I care about- cuddling, kissing, etc. But not everyone is comfortable with that.

Someone asked on one of the boards if a sexual person can live happily with an Asexual partner - the answer is a definite NO. One or both will sooner or later feel rejected and it brings a flood of ill feelings. Sexual partners are not open to accepting Asexuality. This polarity can not be fixed.

I have to disagree with this. And why? Because there are so many possibilities on how to form relationships, not just the traditional partner based relationship. I have been able to become really intimate with a sexual person, and I've loved them deeply- and they were able to have sex elsewhere. I guess you could call it more of an open relationship type thing. But I've been able to form the connections I've wanted with some sexual people that I really care about, and I know that they care about me just as much as their sexual partner because they've told me that. Now in a more traditional relationship, I think it's much harder for sexuals and asexuals to form a monogamous relationship where they are supposed to get the majority of deep emotional needs met in that relationship. Both partners can feel trapped- but I still think it's possible, depending on each partner's preferences.

Chiaroscuro: I saw your profile. you are a sexual person. What exactly are you doing hiding out in the Asexual forum? Looking for understanding of the "error" of our ways? since you aren't getting any?

We don't want to alienate sexuals here! As it's been since the beginning, sexuals are more than welcome to come onto this board and become part of the community. Asexuality directly affects many sexuals, after all. Some have made great contributions to this community, and their perspectives are always welcome.

susieblue, I'm glad that your husband is making much more of an effort to talk to you. That's really great! :) I hope things continue to improve. At the same time, I understand the inability to compromise too much, if you find that that is the case- I mean, I personally cannot compromise very much on my stance on relationships- that I don't want to be in a monogamous one. Not wanting to compromise is not a bad thing, I think- not everyone is able to compromise, whether it's on having sex or not having sex.

But anyway, I wish you luck.

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Chiaroscuro: I saw your profile. you are a sexual person. What exactly are you doing hiding out in the Asexual forum? Looking for understanding of the "error" of our ways? since you aren't getting any?

ahhhhhhhhh Alexis, that is so ignorant and rude of you.

I recommend you read through Chiaroscuro's postings to understand where he's coming from. He's definately not hiding, like you do (got that from your posts).

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SUSIEBLUE AND CHIARO ---- we are not talking about me we are discussing YOU and YOUR complaints.

Don't try to turn this around, I am not the one "in therapy" YOU ARE.

You both share the same frustration having a sexless marriage. Maybe the two of you should get together and validate each others' ANGST for mutual spousal disinterest. Maybe you could even get a roll in a hay while you are at it.

Neither one of you is capable of understanding your Asexual partners - that's why you write "ad nauseum" of your "pain". If you understood what Asexuality was, you would know that the lack of sexual desire is not a sign of rejection. You would not deem yourselves victims and martyrs in your marriage.

Your lack of understanding of Asexuality makes you lash out at anyone who pays any attention. You don't listen and you don't hear what people tell you. YOU want to be HEARD. You can't get through to your Asexual spouses at home, (they most likely rule the roost and cut you off) - so you invade this forum to vent your anger. Well you know what? i DONT CARE diddly squat. I am sooooo done with you both.

I don't want to know either one of you.

AND you are trespassing here.

Alexis

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If you understood what Asexuality was, you would know that the lack of sexual desire is not a sign of rejection.

That's why I'm here, Alexis.

so you invade this forum to vent your anger.

I haven't vented anger once in this forum (that I can think of). You seem awfully angry however. We can agree to disagree, but guess what, the world is full of people who disagree. Aven shouldn't be an place of intolerance, it should be a place where we can all come, as human beings, to find out more about ourselves and one another.

-Chiaroscuro

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As I've said, lifespace, I think it would be best to respect everyone here, which you don't seem to be doing. They are not trespassing here any more than you are- and you're the one telling them that they have no right to be here. This isn't some exclusive club. We don't have a sign on the door that says "No sexuals allowed". In fact, if you read the front page of the forum, it says "Sexual and questioning people are more than welcome to register and post!"

A lot of sexual people will feel frustrated, and a lot will not understand- after all, not many people know about asexuality. They are trying to understand. And a lot of asexuals feel very frustrated when they come here as well. We all need to be respectful of each other if we want to work through communication difficulties. Please!

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Hello again,

I have a few updates, and I am not sure if I should open a new thread or continue here.

If I continue, I want to make sure that Iam not offending asexual people with my words. I do not want Asexual people bristling up at my assumtions. Assumptions are assumtions. Thats it. Don't get mad and defensive about it.

We are different, so different that we can not comprehend each others words. All I see is defensive reactions from both sides. I feel left out from the asexual side, maybe because I can not understand what you are saying. I can't feel you so to say.

For me being sexual and having no sex, feels like a fat person on a diet, passing McDonalds and Krispy Kreme every day. (Although a fat person can always go back to stuffing themselfs, or binge once in a while. NO good comparison.......)

I am facing the possibility that my husband is asexual and that I will probably live without harmonized sex for the rest of my life.

I read through asexual postings, and it does not help me to read things like: Sex is like eating somebody elses puke, or sex is nasty and gross. Never desire sex is for me uncomprehendable. I think I need a lot of time to understand if I ever will.

I need to learn to compensate my husbands love for me and be so content and fulfilled with it, that I do not desire to be intimate with him. That is my goal. I guess I need to change.

And I need help with that. I can not talk to anybody about that. My friends would not understand, and I do not want to compromise my husband.

I need to make some friends here on AVEN, that help me get through this, and accompany me on my way.

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I need to learn to compensate my husbands love for me and be so content and fulfilled with it, that I do not desire to be intimate with him. That is my goal. I guess I need to change.

And I need help with that. I can not talk to anybody about that. My friends would not understand, and I do not want to compromise my husband.

I need to make some friends here on AVEN, that help me get through this, and accompany me on my way.

I don't know that it's possible to be content and fulfilled when a fundamental need goes unmet, Susie, but I understand what you mean. The fact that you have to choose between sacrificing a part of yourself (your sexuality), or sacrificing your relationship with your husband is tragic. I still don't know what the best way forward is for me. I love my wife, that's never been the issue. I know you love your husband. So impulse #1 is to stay, be faithful, enjoy the love you share with him. The fact that you have to essentially amputate a limb in order to achieve that goal is what makes for the hesitation. I don't know if I'm self-less enough to do it. I'm sitting here with the (figurative), scalpal in my hand, ready to cut it off, and I can't come to terms with what feels like self-mutilation, even if it is in the service of a higher cause. I don't know if it's the right thing to do, and, if it is, if I can do it.

Okay, a vivid visual metaphor, I admit. But the idea's the old, old one on these boards. I can't come to terms with either choice, so I "hover" between them, waiting for the magical moment that will reveal the correct path to take, and strengthen me to take it.

I hear your grief, Susie. All I can do is offer you a virtual on-line hug, and an open ear and heart.

-Chiaroscuro

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I read about half the posts on this topic, and of course this question is for the two "sexual" people here. Would you rather they pretend and go through the motions of sex? I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here, just something to consider. Would you feel sexually/intimately satisfied if you knew they were going through the motions just for you? Fortunately, I think I have gotten pretty good at faking enjoying sex, but I dread when I'm laying there in bed and I can tell that he is horny (which is all the damn time). So I usually give in, if I don't, he'll just keep bugging me, so yeah, I give in to save time, and fake all the oohhs and aahhs everything else that goes along with sex.

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Would you feel sexually/intimately satisfied if you knew they were going through the motions just for you?

The short answer is no, JennyLynn, I would feel humiliated. Sort of like if your boyfriend/husband "went through the motions" of taking you out to dinner, laughing at your jokes and holding your hand, all the time wishing he were somewhere else.

The long answer is slightly different. My wife, Sunset, has been trying to be more physical with me in the past month. In her case, she has to consciously "remember" to be physical. It's so low on her list of priorities that she just forgets that it's something that I find important. And by physical i don't mean sex. Hugs, kisses, casual caresses... all of that is below her radar unless she consciously makes it a priority. It isn't HER priority, but she loves me and knows it's important to me, and so she's willing to take that into account. That's huge, to me. Also, recently she invited me to bed because she felt like it was okay at that moment. If she hadn't been paying attention, the moment would have passed unnoticed. But because she was paying attention, and felt able to be close to me in that way, we both enjoyed it. I don't expect such a moment to come along again anytime soon, but her willingness to notice and offer me the invitation was, again, a big deal for me.

I realize that asexuality varies considerably in terms of what it means to different people. For my wife, sex isn't something she was never interested in, but something that was buried by trauma. So there is sexuality there, it's just "guarded". I realize that some asexual folks will not have an unguarded moment to offer their partners, and I can't really address that.

I wish you well in your relationship. I know it must be hard to feel pressured all the time to engage in something that is unappealing to you. The sexual/asexual divide really is a fundamental disconnect.

-Chiaroscuro

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I would and I am feeling very humiliated knowing my husband is going "through the motions" just for me. I "assume" this statement might seem hard for an asexual to understand. I know he's doing it for me, and I really appreciate he's trying to make it all better.

I know what you are saying Chiaroscuro, when you mentioned "hovering" around between both choices, and waiting for the magical moment. I am so tired of waiting for something to happen. I want to put an end to all of this, because I feel like I am being swallowed by my expectations and disappointments. I feel trapped right now.

Finding Aven changed my complete attitude towards my marriage.

I've learned that there is nothing wrong with him, and there is nothing wrong with me. That was a unbelievable burden lifted off of me.

I understand how much it hurts him, that he can't give me what I need. He understands how much it hurts me, that he can't give me what I need.

He went to a doctor. His testosteron level is even higher than the regular. They told him he is healthy. I know he expected something else, me too. The doctor suggested Therapy. He said some want to have sex every hour, some once a year, and that I need to come to terms with that, and stop expecting.

I called an Therapist today, since my husband "does not want to see another doctor", I made an appointment for myself. I am not sure how a therapist can help me, but I want to give it a try.

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I would and I am feeling very humiliated knowing my husband is going "through the motions" just for me. I "assume" this statement might seem hard for an asexual to understand. I know he's doing it for me, and I really appreciate he's trying to make it all better.

Nah, it's not that hard for me to understand, at least. I don't think sex is just a physical drive for sexuals- otherwise, I'd imagine masturbation would satisfy many sexuals' needs. It's more of a social thing for sexuals, if that makes any sense. There's lots of other things mixed into the desire for sex- desire for intimacy, love, affection, validation, the desire to feel attractive and/or wanted, etc...

Of course, feel free to correct me if you think I'm wrong in this.

Most asexuals have the same desires, but don't link those desires to sex, and don't have the desire for sex.

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I called an Therapist today, since my husband "does not want to see another doctor", I made an appointment for myself. I am not sure how a therapist can help me, but I want to give it a try.

I've found that therapy is extremely helpful, Susie. If you can afford it, and find someone you like and trust, it's a real gift. You know how you said this isn't something you can talk to your husband or friends about? That's where therapy can provide some relief. It's the one time every week you can dredge up this painful stuff and deal with it. Then you can put it away and go about your business. It won't give you any answers, but it will help crystallize your thinking.

-Chiaroscuro

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Of course, feel free to correct me if you think I'm wrong in this.

You've got it, Ghosts! There's a physical componant to sexuality, of course, but it's by no means all there is to it. From what I understand, many asexuals feel physical arousal and release. If that's all there were to it, we wouldn't be having this conversation. The difference comes from how sexuality is woven into a loving relationship. For sexuals, it's part of how a loving couple naturally relates. For asexuals, that's not true. We're all human and want to connect with one another, but we're speaking different languages, I guess.

-Chiaroscuro

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I'll add a "however" though... ;) I *have* been able to connect with sexuals, even without sex involved. Probably not the type of relationship some of you are looking for (it doesn't bother me that the sexual is having sex in another relationship), but it's a good alternative. So I think it's definitely possible for many sexuals to form just as deep a connection in a nonsexual relationship. Well, that's what some of my sexual friends have told me, and I've been able to do it. :)

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