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Bravo, Soma!!!!!!!! There really is no mystery to us. If only sexuals would quit trying to "figure it out" and take us seriously.

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If you're in the same position as her husband, I kind of wonder why you're on this site. Are you trying to figure out what "makes us tick" or how on earth a woman doesn't want to 'make love' with her husband?

All of the above. If you notice, I've been posting here for over a year, so I'm obviously getting something out of it.

Don't get me wrong, you're certainly welcome here; I'm just curious, that's all.

Thank you.

There's no real mystery, though. We just aren't interested in any way, shape or form. Plain & simple. Can't help it; can't change it; always been this way; always will be.

Don't underestimate the mystery of the human condition, Soma! Sexual people are mysterious, and so are you folks. Far from being plain & simple, my wife is sometimes interested in any way, shape and form. Most of the time she's violently not interested. When we married, almost seventeen years ago, she would never have identified as asexual, not even as particularly repressed physically (though that went in cycles). Six years ago now, she became functionally asexual, we sleep apart, and it's threatening our marriage.

What I'm reminding you of is that there is a tremendous range of people who identify as asexual, yet exhibit hugely different reactions to the idea of physical affection, cuddling, masturbation, sexual compromise, etc...

Not plain & simple in the least.

-Chiaroscuro

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Chiarascuro, I do understand how you feel that your wife's functional asexuality is threatening your marriage. The conundrum here, I think, is that the marriage that you want is no longer the marriage that she wants--or can participate in: one including sex. Your view of marriage hasn't changed; hers has. When that happens, and it isn't the result of a third party or obvious lack of love (although you may feel that her refusal to have sex is lack of love for you), the marriage is threatened. She may feel she can no longer participate in something that not only gives her no pleasure, but is actually distasteful and hurtful to her. That is something you may have to accept, and give up trying to "understand" it. Then it is your decision whether to stay married or not. Otherwise, each of you will continue to feel bad: she, blamed, and you, deprived.

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That is something you may have to accept, and give up trying to "understand" it.

Together, my wife and I have decided to give our marriage three more years. That time is intended to give us some time to sort out our affairs, to allow the kids to get of an age where separation won't be some mysterious thing we can't really explain to them, and, on my end, to see if my wife's non-sexuality will change. I don't call her asexual, because she isn't. This isn't her orientation, it's a response to early childhood sexual abuse. She does have a sexual identity, but she's terrified of it, and only 'lets it out" every once in a while.

So for me, again, it's not as simple as "accepting". I have respected and walked on eggshells regarding her lack of sexuality for years, which essentially validated her sense of how awful the abuse was, and how it should continue to dominate her life and cause her to be fearful. I'm no longer interested in playing that role. If I have a role, it's as an advocate for healing. Period. If, after three years, she continues to believe that confronting her past comes at too high a price, I will accept it and move on.

But until then, you can bet I'll do everything I can to understand what's going on between us, do what I can to be a loving, caring partner, and be a force for change, not just a piece of her defense.

-Chiaroscuro

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Chiaroscuro, I am in the same boat as your wife. Because of sexual abuse, compounded by an armed rape in my teens, I was very uncomfortable about sex. I actually don't know if I would have been asexual or not, never really got the chance to find out.

Unfortunatly I married a man who abused me, often in the name of "healing". Among other things, he pressured and forced me to do whatever disgusted me the most. Of course, that was not all, but you get the idea.

After 15 years, I finally got out. Now, I am completely asexual and aromantic and at peace.

But I have a friend that married a good guy after similar events, and they are hanging in their and really love each other. They do sex, but at her pace mostly. (with some compromise)

So it can work... but it's really hard.

You and your wife might check out Pandora's Aquarium as well. It for survivours of sexual violence. You may find more people in similar situations there.

I wish you and your family well,

Endurance.

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Thanks for your insights and good wishes, Endurance. I'm glad you are in a better place now. I visited Pandora's Aquarium (great name!), and signed up, but it seems to be taking a while to get authorized.

*hugs*

-Chiaroscuro

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You are very welcome. I hope it'll be helpful. Counselling is important too. If you or your SO ever wants to IM me, please feel free.

For me, a solitary life has been a blessing, but my friend, she wouldn't trade her relationship for anything, even though the sexual componant is so difficult.

I hope you two keep the love you have for each other, no matter how your three years works out.

Best wishes,

Endurance

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You are very welcome. I hope it'll be helpful. Counselling is important too. If you or your SO ever wants to IM me, please feel free.

We have both been in counselling for a number of years. I find it an amazing experience, revealing that much of what I thought was "my personality" isn't me at all. For my wife, I think, it's less pleasant, since it revolves around things that she feels are too dangerous to look at. We tried couples therapy, but only got three or four sessions in, before she stopped them (we weren't able to avoid the subject of the abuse any longer, and she can't tolerate looking at it). She just stopped going to individual therapy too, which kind of dashes my hopes that she will begin to grapple with her past.

For me, a solitary life has been a blessing, but my friend, she wouldn't trade her relationship for anything, even though the sexual componant is so difficult.

I hope you two keep the love you have for each other, no matter how your three years works out.

Thanks, we're trying. I can't speak for her, but for my part, I love her deeply, and will always consider her part of my family, regardless of whether she's my mate or my "adopted sister".

-Chiaroscuro

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Sucessful therapy can only happen when you are really ready for it, for me, being at rock bottom got me started, and finally reaching a calmer space let me start to tackle the longer term stuff. It is a hell of a comittment though.

If therapy is too much, books might help, esp. info on complex PTSD and child sexual abuse. It is very anxiety provoking reading though.

Most NB, remember, you need to own your issues, and she needs to own hers. No one can "fix" another, and pressure to "get fixed" is usually counter-productive as well as being painful.

My thoghts and hopes are with the both of you.

Endurance

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Most NB, remember, you need to own your issues, and she needs to own hers. No one can "fix" another, and pressure to "get fixed" is usually counter-productive as well as being painful.

Very true, but there are some things that have to "get fixed" in order to preserve a relationship: alcoholism, abuse, drug-use, etc... One of the reasons I decided to set a deadline was so that I could establish the principal (I need a partner who can commit to healing, wherever that may lead), and then leave it in her hands. I don't have to say another thing. I will continue to try to walk softly and be loving :)

-Chiaroscuro

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Ladies, take notice. Below is a link to one of those advice articles by an expert, who advises a wife who is "having trouble in the bedroom." Of course, the article addresses what a woman should do when her husband has no interest in sex. (For us, "trouble in the bedroom" is when a partner WANTS sex. lol)

The advisor says that she is increasingly getting more and more complaints about the situation of a wife married to a man with little or no interest in sex. So you see, there are clearly men who do not want sex. We exist. Just why people who want sex get married to those who don't is one of the eternal mysteries of life.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21340656/

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Just why people who want sex get married to those who don't is one of the eternal mysteries of life.

The other eternal mystery, of course, is why people who don't want sex get married to people who do.

-Chiaroscuro

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I think the most common situation for these folk, is that they did want sex when they got married, desire waned, and they missed it.

Not really an analogous situation.

Endurance

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No mystery about either, but there may be a number of reasons, none of which are mysterious. On the part of the non-sexual, for instance: loneliness, love, wanting to blend in with the rest of society, pressure from family, and (importantly) NOT knowing that he/she is really asexual (my case a long, long time ago) and thinking things will work out eventually because you're doing the "right thing". The sexual may have all the same reasons except he/she doesn't realize the partner is asexual or thinks things will work out in that arena because he/she assumes everyone wants sex. Marriage isn't usually undertaken for strictly logical reasons, with a cost/benefit analysis. Romantic asexuals can fall in love just as do sexuals, and if A and S fall in love, then that particular problem is added to the usual problems that pop up in most marriages. I don't really know whether an A and an S have more difficulties in marriage due to that situation than two S's have with financial problems or jealousy problems or other situations. Some day there might be enough research to know.

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Marriage isn't usually undertaken for strictly logical reasons, with a cost/benefit analysis.

The greatest mystery of all.

Good comments, Sally.

-Chiaroscuro

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yes, i, or should i say we, gave up a 20 year marriage because of my asexuality. with her money was first, sex came next in line. now she has all my money, but i don't have to fool with the sex crap anymore. it was worth it.

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  • 2 weeks later...
As someone in the same position as your husband, your post really tugged at my heartstrings. You're obviously able to empathize with each others' difficulties, and that's a wonderful thing even though it doesn't "solve" the issue. I wish both of you the best.

-Chiaroscuro

Thank you for your support and kind words. I would have to confess that my husband has a harder time than I do. He longs so much for that sexual closeness and for me it's just not there. We are close in any other way, just not sexual. He feels he has to control his actions constantly and it pulls at my heartstrings too.

I wonder sometimes if we're just not fooling ourselves into thinking this will continue to work. A marriage shouldn't be this difficult. But yet I can't picture myself ever living without him, and I know he feels the same.

They say "everything happens for a reason" I just wonder sometimes what our reason is.

*sigh

added: I didn't realize so much was said in between posts. It has been awhile since I have been back here. I quickly read through most, but would like to go over them again. We have tried many different things as well to help solve our situation. None have worked. I do have a marred sexual past, but mostly due to my own personal struggles of not really wanting it and only doing it for others.

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