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Have any of you been married?


sunset

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I'm on strike right now

Ha ha. I like how that's put. If I increase your pension and health benefits will you consider returning to work?

From the sexual partner's perspective, I don't think there are many of us who want our partner to be physically approachable "whether they want it or not." We want our partners to WANT to be close to us. When that doesn't happen it feels bad and threatening to the relationship. One of the sure signs that a girlfriend and I were going to break up (back in the day), was when one of us began to pull away physically. I can't help but feel threatened and like "something's wrong" when that happens now as well.

But I, like Sunset, love my marriage and want it to work. If I didn't, it wouldn't be such an issue.

-Chiaroscuro

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I'm in a relationship with a man who's 17 years my junior, and I think a little of the "Mom" thing helps us along. I have physical disabilities that prevent regular intercourse, oral or manual stimulation. And having anyone stimulate me does nothing for me in the slightest.

On the other hand, both of us enjoy cuddling, we tease each other with strong sexual inuendo that is so over the top that it's obvious that it is just play, and we share plans, joys, concerns & secrets.

Because of my physical problems, it is easy for him not to blame himself for my lack of sexual interest, and if he gets sexually frustrated, he takes care of it himself, privately.

On my part, there is always some concern that he will "grow out of it" and decide that a sexual relationship with a healthy contemporary is what he really needs, but after 7 years of living together, I'd have to say that we've done pretty well so far, better and longer than any of my 4 marriages. I think one reason is that this is the first long-term relationship I've had where I made no bones about not being interested in sex.

For his part, he professes to love me deeply, and many times passes in public by telling people that I am his girlfriend. I've stopped trying to define it, or have any expectations about it, I just enjoy what's here, and take it day to day.

My experiences with marriage have taught me not to count on commitments being immutable; and if you think about it, all relationships come to an end, either through separation or death. I think we shouldn't count a successful ending as a failure, nor to count our involvement or lack of it as indicative of our ability to have high quality relationships.

More, I like to concentrate on bringing as much fulfillment as possible into each moment, and building the fabric of commitment out of those moments, over time.

We have discussed possibily opening our relationship to others, but have not acted on this yet, as we have felt shy about being accepted with all of our complications, what some would call "baggage"; but I would like to see him be able to satisfy his sexual needs in a loving way.

Personally, I've been in polyfidelitous relationships before, and enjoyed them, except for participating in sex, which, for me distracts from good cuddling (I kind of felt like a baby elephant seal).

At any rate, I don't know if you'd call it happy but it's accommodating, and I'm not sure about what qualifies any relationship as "good" except that it works as well as it can to care for the needs of the people involved. I think all of us have to stretch outtside of cultural definitions to live within our skins.

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It seems like such a meaningless act on such a low level of consciousness. : :?

I love that statement! I know what you mean. Sex seems like a duty to me, too. Of course I'm on strike right now, but that feels bad, too. Other than sex, I love being married, though.

It sounds like you are blessed with a very understanding, loving and patient husband. :D

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At any rate, I don't know if you'd call it happy but it's accommodating, and I'm not sure about what qualifies any relationship as "good" except that it works as well as it can to care for the needs of the people involved. I think all of us have to stretch outtside of cultural definitions to live within our skins.

Hi OldHippyWitch...welcome to AVEN! I very much enjoyed your post; this part was particularly beautiful. Thanks for it.

--T

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I have been married 7 years and like sunset said, other than sex I love being married too.

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  • 2 weeks later...

But I don't brag about it. It was utilitarian in manner, expected of us in society, that if you didn't marry, something was 'wrong' with you. :cry: There's nothing wrong with me, that a big hug and some companionship wouldn't cure. I gladly am alone now, my youngest child is a senior in HS, will be graduating in June & heading off to college. I'm in college myself (yes, at age 53!!). Though I miss some companionship, I'm happy with my life.

I'm happy to be here, and feel free to be myself.

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I was married for ten years to the love of my life. We were best friends and unseperable. Unfortunately, after the first two years, I decided that if I did not want sex, I did not have to have it. I did not just quit cold turkey, but things started slowing down until I just never thought of it or wanted it anymore. I would try to make my mate happy as much as I could but it just became more and more of an argument. We finally went our seperate ways last year. I wished him all the luck in finding the person that would be perfect for him and I only cry once a month because I miss him. I have tried on two occassions to begin another relationship. No Dice. As soon as someone finds out you aren't interested in sex...gone in 60 seconds. That's the reason for me being here. I need to see how it's done and be happy at the same time. I know I have enough love in me to make someone incredibly happy, but here in Alabama the good ole boys need good ole sex to do anything.

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Mary the Witch

I have been married for 30 years as of March 2007. I have hated the whole thing with the exception of my two children. I hate the physical side of marriage and it also did not help that my husband was abusive with the sex. I got tired of all the bruises and the infections so I finally told him to leave me alone. I have my own room and I do not like him to touch me.

For those who might now be saying Oh the husband turned her off to sex. I would like to say I have never really been drawn to sex. As a teenager I felt embarrassment with the boycrazy girlfriends. I could never see what all the shouting was about. I always wanted to be a mom and I knew the way I was raised the only way to get them was to be married. I do not regret this aspect of my marriage.

I am not repulsed by sex. In fact, I love to read romance novels - the steamier the better. I even occasionally get horny or develop a crush on a man. I indulge in fantasies about men that are definitely steamy. But when it comes right down to acting on the feelings it just feels like I just cannot be bothered.

My husband and I have separate rooms. Due to financial difficulties we are having to vacate our house and move to an apartment. This will happen sometime within the next month. My husband wants to move into a one bedroom apartment and I want a two bedroom. I really want a divorce so I can go my own way. My kids are grown and gone so they are not a consideration. I am going to school and right now cannot afford to leave.

Does anyone else struggle with all this? For years I have had to endure hearing my husband tell me repeatedly how I am frigid and I hate men. Now due to researching a paper for my Sociology class I have found this site and so many questions I have had for years are now at least partially answered. I have felt so light and happy since I found this site.

But still I don't know what to do about my situation. I would love to have a man in my life who will hold me all night and keep me safe but will not demand sex from me. If he is a Pagan that will be even better.

I am just glad to know I am not alone in this. Sorry my post is so long. I know I sound crazy.

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Does anyone else struggle with all this? For years I have had to endure hearing my husband tell me repeatedly how I am frigid and I hate men. Now due to researching a paper for my Sociology class I have found this site and so many questions I have had for years are now at least partially answered. I have felt so light and happy since I found this site.

But still I don't know what to do about my situation. I would love to have a man in my life who will hold me all night and keep me safe but will not demand sex from me. If he is a Pagan that will be even better.

I am just glad to know I am not alone in this. Sorry my post is so long. I know I sound crazy.

You don't sound at all crazy to me! And don't worry about the length of your post, expressing your feelings and experiences is what AVEN is about :)

I'm afraid I don't have any real advice for your situation, but you do have my sympathy and understanding!!! I was married and heard some of the same comments, but I can hardly imagine surviving 30 years of such criticism. Good luck with your studies and everything else!

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Mary the Witch

thanks for the words of support. I can hardly take in that it has been 30 years of putting up with this stuff. I think I have only survived it because for the last 10 years at least I have just tuned my husband out. I do not pay much attention to what he says anymore. But still sometimes it gets to me and I go into a depression for several days.

However as I said ever since I found out about this in my Sociology class I have felt as though I have been set free. For so long I thought something was wrong with me. I know I can love but I still felt that something must be horribly wrong with me. Now I know I am not crazy or antisocial or anything like that. I am free.

Hopefully once I complete my studies I can find a job that will support me enough that I can leave my marriage. I could leave now but I would have to live on welfare and I do not want to do that. Maybe I can find an asexual room mate. It is a thought. LOl

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Hopefully once I complete my studies I can find a job that will support me enough that I can leave my marriage. I could leave now but I would have to live on welfare and I do not want to do that.

Good luck and good for you, Mary! I'm always stunned what people have to go through in their lives. It's a wonder any of us make it through. You must be a very strong person.

-Chiaroscuro

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  • 3 months later...

I wanted sex when married. My husband said it was for animals. I learned to live without it after 3 children. Marriage lasted 21 years. For last 2 he became abusive and harmed me physically. I found out he was diabetic but had told him it didn't matter, I just wanted affection from him. Still didn't work. When he tried to break my neck I was told by my doctor to get a divorce which I did. Tried relationships after marriage. All the men wanted sex and no commitment. I have a male friend that I met 10 years ago that has diabetes and hypertension who can't perform but still wants to fool around sexually. I do not like it because he has another woman too. He said I am his girfriend too and likes my abilities on the computer and other same interests. He becomes angry when I will not spend a lot of time in the bed with him. Have given up again. What should I do>

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I've been married 3 times. The first one ended because he was very violent and I got fed up with living in fear. The last 2 ended because of the death of intimacy--physical and, more importantly, emotional. I had no sexual desire or sex drive so it wasn't a problem to live without that.....but, I couldn't stand living a life with someone without an emotional partnership and an intimacy shared by our two hearts. Living alone has been very peaceful and rewarding for me. My friends are in my life forever because they love me for me and I don't have to be someone I'm not.

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Nope, never married. I'm enjoying life too much and saw the shit that marriage puts people through....I'd sooner die.

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Bluejeanbabe

I am 44 years old, and have been married legally 3 times( the fourth one was not on paper...long story) lol I really wanted to be married (I guess) but the relationships went from bad to worse. They all revolved around sex, and when I got the "I have to cause I am his wife feeling" it made me run. I love my two children and am very happy for both of them...It is bad enough I live alone fighting with men not to have sex, that without their being her, I may not be either. I just "found" myself yesterday on the Montel show...I thought I was just weird for not wanting to be sexual...society has really done a number on me, but not anymore...I know through this show, and this board and all the other wonderful info, that I am ok...the rest of the world is messed up...lol I only want cake in my life, I don't NEED the "frosting" to make it good...I have found out that the "frosting" just makes me sick...

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cijay Wrote:

Nope, never married. I'm enjoying life too much and saw the shit that marriage puts people through....I'd sooner die

I'll second that! :D

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Wicked Freemartin

I'm 37 and never married, nor have I ever been engaged. I'm looking forward to reaching the age where people stop telling me "You'll find someone." Sometimes I dream about visiting a convent so I can have some great conversations and never get asked if I'm seeing anybody. I don't regret not getting married, as I've never met anyone in my life that I would prefer living with to living with myself. Funnily enough, I never have late-night shouting matches with myself, never yell at myself to do the dishes, and never feel pressured to have sex with myself when I'm not in the mood.

-Wicked

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Don't worry about what other people tell/suggest to you. I'm sure they have your best interest at heart, but be your own person.

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  • 1 month later...

Wicked, I could not have said it better, and certainly not funnier! True, all of it!

And notanymore, what should you do? Stick with us! You deserve people who love you, not abuse you.

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SummerSeeker

I have been in long term relationships that did not work out because I did not want sex. I'm glad it's behind me and will only consider dating asexuals going forward.

Can anyone tell me why a relationship that involves sex is so fundamentally different from relationships that don't?

A person might be much more intellectually compatible with other people, but it’s the person they have sex with that they commit their lives to. I don’t get it.

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Wicked Wrote:

Sometimes I dream about visiting a convent so I can have some great conversations and never get asked if I'm seeing anybody.

I have had that dream, with the exception it was a monastery, instead of a convent. At one point in my life, had baptists had monasteries, then I would have joined one to live out my life. The idea of a life with great conversation with loving people in a stressfree lifestyle, WITHOUT sex being an issue, sounds like Heaven to me. LOL.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Genetically_Dead

I have been married for 18 years. The last 4-5 has been sexless. (Thank God.) He has had an affair that I know of due to his lack of judgement and I have told him I don't care if he has affairs as long as I am not embarrassed at work or church by his behavior. I have my own room and he has his as well. We are friends and I do care about him but he knows not to bother me with sex.

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Chiaroscuro
I have been married for 18 years. The last 4-5 has been sexless. (Thank God.) He has had an affair that I know of due to his lack of judgement and I have told him I don't care if he has affairs as long as I am not embarrassed at work or church by his behavior. I have my own room and he has his as well. We are friends and I do care about him but he knows not to bother me with sex.

As long as you're fine with him having a mistress, then good for you! My wife is also asexual (and, like you, thanks God!), but she is not okay with me going outside the marriage, discreetly or otherwise. So we don't have any acceptable solution. I wish you and your husband the best.

-Chiaroscuro

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Regarding extramarital sex: is it called an affair if you know about it and condone it? "Affair" conjures up "on the sly."

The word "mistress" just makes me laugh. Conjures up the love interests of sweaty politicians.

Monogamy in a sexless marriage? I can't insist on it myself, even though I know I run the risk of losing my person to another.

It is all very hard and sad.

--T

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Chiaroscuro
Regarding extramarital sex: is it called an affair if you know about it and condone it? "Affair" conjures up "on the sly."

The word "mistress" just makes me laugh. Conjures up the love interests of sweaty politicians.

Monogamy in a sexless marriage? I can't insist on it myself, even though I know I run the risk of losing my person to another.

It is all very hard and sad.

--T

It is hard and sad, Trish, there's no other way to put it. As for the precise terminology for "companion-outside-the-marriage", I don't know what's best. For me, mistress conjures up images of an elegant Parisian gentleman and his fiery, independent girlfriend from across town. Or the love interest of a sweaty politician... yuck.

-Chiaroscuro

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I am new to the site, the forum, and the realization that I may be (am?) asexual. I got online tonight searching for answers. I was married for 20 years and now single for 16. My ex was my first and only sex partner and it was okay at best. I had hoped, after the divorce (which was not because of the sex issue), that I would find my sexuality with a "better partner". Much to my disappointment I found I was not sexually attracted to any of the guys I dated (2) and the one time I did try having sex was as big a disappointment as before. Recently I had wondered if I was gay, but since I am also not sexually attracted to women I figured that wasn't it either. So... here I am.

This opens up a whole new possibility for me. Can I find someone to spend time with, share my life with, but not have to deal with the whole sex thing? Hmmmm... :wink:

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Freed_Spirit

Welcome Rasa4! Firstly here is your :cake:

I only found AVEN a month ago and it has been a complete revelation to me - I have been married and had sexual relationships over the last 20 years and never felt 'into' the sex. I finally decided I couldn't ever have another relationship with a sexual person, and I was really sad because I thought that meant every other human being on planet Earth. Finding AVEN has left me floating. There are warm romantic asexual men here who would like a cuddling, cherishing relationship with no sex. I am still stunned. Maybe there aren't a lot of us around, but you aren't the only one and there is hope. If you want to talk more, feel free to pm me.

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Chiaroscuro
Maybe there aren't a lot of us around, but you aren't the only one and there is hope. If you want to talk more, feel free to pm me.

I think maybe there are more of you guys around than anyone knows. Part of it is that there are a lot of you who don't know that you're asexual yet. Lord knows there are a lot of unhappy, puzzled sexuals whose partners aren't interested in them sexually...

-Chiaroscuro

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Question for Freed_Spirit and others:

Does sexual orientation become less important for you as you realize you are asexual?

This has happened to me. I would have assumed I was heterosexual, but now that I'm identifying as low sexual or asexual, orientation doesn't seem to matter. It seems to me I could partner with a warm, cuddly female as well as a male.

--T

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Genetically_Dead

I have no need or desire to cuddle with anyone male or female. I want only to sleep alone under three thick quilts in the winter time and in the nude in the summer without having anyone beside me or touching me. My husband knows I'll watch a movie in bed late at night with him but he has to hit the sheets in his room as soon as it's over. Definitely no females ever unless it a cute cuddling puppy that sleeps on the foot of the bed.

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