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Confused...very!!


justine

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Well,after disecting every single posting on this site,I'm wondering if this really is the answer?

For all my adult 'dating' life,I've always known that there was something not quite right,but could never quite put my finger on it.

I've had a couple of serious 'relationships',but i can honestly say I never had the feelings of lust or passion that my friends all talk about...constantly! Luckily,I've always been able to steer my partner away from sex,(v.v.quickly!!)and concentrate on building a relationship based soley on friendship.

I'd always thought that I just hadn't found the 'right one' and that one day,the passion would flood into my life and knock me for six! But after reading this site (I don't think I was really aware that asexuality 'was'),I feel a lot of my questions have been answered.

One question that still bothers me is-is it normal for an asexual person to want to be in a relationship? Because I do!! I enjoy the feelings of togetherness and closeness...of having someone there to massage your feet get home from work,to cuddle up with in bed after a crap day...you get the picture!! I want all this-without the sex. Is it possible?

(I must add that my previous relationships have ended for reasons nothing to do with the sexual side of it.)

Could anyone give me their views on this? I feel I have a lot to learn.

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YOU have already answered a lot of MY questions that have been plaguing me recently. ^_^

Basically, I have a crush on someone, but I don't experience sexual attraction, and I've spent the past month or two trying to come to terms with both of these facts and figuring out how the hell they can coexist.

Please explain to me what it is about romantic relationships that is so appealing to you. They appeal to me greatly... there's a closeness I want, and I feel possessive of said individual, but beyond that I'm still trying to figure out what exactly a relationship entails, if one removes all physical aspects...

Yeah. I'm no help to you at all, I'm afraid, because I'm responding to your question with more of my own... friend of mine is experiencing the exact same sort of thing I am, and we're both kind of dying for answers here....

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First off welcome to the forum.

You're definitely struggling with the Big Question when it comes to asexuality, there are no easy answers. To answer your direct question yes, the vast mojority of asexual people still feel the need to form close intimate relationships with others (sex and emotion are, after all, two entirely different things.) HOW is the big question. Some are trying to balance some sort of a romantic relationship, others try to get by with just friendships, still others (like me) try to piece components of the two together.

Selie, your situation is a great example. Of COURSE your crush and your asexuality can coexist, why should sexuality be the the only thing you want to do with a crush? We're just so used to sexually centered thinking (as is everyone else) that we have to recenter, which can be difficult around something as complicated as relationships. Romantic relationships appeal to me as well, but I think they have alot of downfalls (possessiveness, breakups, etc) that are avoidable. Maybe its just the idea of that kind of a close, dependable relationship that appeals to me, always having someone there.

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Well, I'm glad you're all agreed because I also wish for romance. My sexual attraction may be nil but I do want to be close to someone. My problem lies in that I'm not at all sure how that could work out. Most everyone else wants the physical side too so basically with most people I could never give everything they are looking for. Well... I could... but I think they may have problems with me standing there all unresponcive while they kiss me and I'm unlikely to let them get any farther then that unless I'm attempting to prove something to myself.

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I seek closeness with others, I love snuggling and stroking and talking into the early hours of the night and making each other laugh. I get deeply emotionally attracted to people, I fall in love, I have crushes. None of it is at all sexual. I'm not attracted to bodies, I have no drive to do anything sexual at all (I can and do occasionally make myself sexually arroused mechanically and I can tell you that I do NOT get that feeling or sensation in any other situation, all of the above is non-sexual).

I've had a couple of 'significant cuddle partners', I have lots of people I feel very close to.

You really don't have to be sexual to be loving, devoted, happy when you see their face, sad when they're away, crying when you can only hear their voice on the phone and you can't be with them...

Emotions, love, physical closeness, hugging can be just as (or perhaps even more) important to asexual people.

Nat.

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Well I feel so much better for reading your responses...thanks.

I've spent years beating myself up over the whole sex thing,trying desperately to remember some significant event that may have occured in my childhood that'd put me off sex. Obviously,I could never remember anything at all and I'd be left deeply frustrated,and deeply embarassed...what sort of person was I? What did it say about me?

I know it sounds daft,but I now feel kind of liberated-like I can get on with my life,knowing that I may be different than the next person,but I'm still normal!

Look forward to joining in more discussions!

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  • 1 month later...
Madame_Sosotris

You also covered a lot of what I've felt uncomfortable with. For my first 19 years of life, I assumed that my asexuality implied not wanting to date anyone. I went from 3rd grade, through all of middle school and all of high school without having a crush on anyone. And then in the first two months of college someone whom I really cared about as a friend asked me out. And we had a wonderful "going out" phase, where we spent hours talking to each other and discussing our lives. Because I have a low touch threshold, during our month and a half relationship we never hugged, or spent extended periods in any physical contact, but I was still really confused about my sexuality, versus my dating. (I think more so, now that I've actively had a crush on someone *before* I started going out with him. Someone who can respect my sexuality, but is a very physical person, and we've had a lot of issues trying to deal with him saying he accepts my boundaries, but me feeling that he sees them as temporary things that I'll "grow out of"

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shakeitgranny

I very much like the way you put every thing you wrote. When in the rare cases i do get a crush and it does happen i want to be close to them i want to be near them and feel them, i dont want to have sex with them and i dont want to have some intence makout sesion but i like to hold her hand as we walk and hold her in my arms and every now and then a lil kiss feels great!

Just becaus you dont want sex doesnt mean you dont want a relationship i think that asexual relationships are more romantic and sweeter becasu you know your not with them becaus of thier looks and they know it too. I think most of us in joy those feelings of having some one eles as much as sexual people do but i th8ink most of them atleast most of my friends go for looks first and that creats a probelm we dont have that downfall thats what we need to imbrase.

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