radical bluish culture Posted November 4, 2003 Share Posted November 4, 2003 So here's the deal. I get crushes. I've had romantic relationships, which I greatly enjoyed. I like looking at girls, but I generally find nudity uninteresting, which make sense given that I fetishize some articles of clothing and to a certain extent hair. I definitely find some people "hot," which I'll define as a kind of visceral reaction which definitely doesn't entail wanting to have sex with them, but often entails a desire for some level of physical contact. In general, I enjoy and desire "light" physical contact, find kissing pleasant enough but generally overrated, and find the mechanics of genitalia kind of gross. I masturbate, and I don't mind being on the receiving end of sexual stuff because it feels good, but doing stuff to other people just doesn't seem to interest me much. I did so in my most recent relationship, because I liked making my girlfriend happy, but I didn't and don't have the sort of visceral desire to touch that most guys seem to. And even being on the receiving end is something I could more or less take or leave: my fantasies are generally situational and have little to do with sexual interaction with people except in a D/s mind-game sort of way. All this took me a while to realize (I'm 20), partially because when I was in my mid- and late teens, I attributed my lack of interest in sex to insecurity, prudishness or just "not being close enough yet." Now that I'm starting to think about this from another perspective, what do I make of it? I certainly don't seem to be asexual in the "don't touch me" sense that I see a lot of here and among asexals I've known in person, but I can't think of a better term for it. And are there really people out there who would want to be in a romantic and physical but non-sexual relationship with someone who found them "hot" but not "sexy"? Link to post Share on other sites
Cate Perfect Posted November 4, 2003 Share Posted November 4, 2003 I can't speak for everyone, but many people here want to be in relationships that are intimate emotionally but not physically. There are some threads about romantic friendships, where people want to have the romantic and cuddly sorts of contact but not full sex. There is also a thread about the different sorts of asexuals where the sort you describe is listed, sorry I can't recall exactly where it is at present. Welcome to the forum. Cate Link to post Share on other sites
darklorelei Posted November 4, 2003 Share Posted November 4, 2003 Here's the link: http://www.asexuality.org/discussion/viewtopic.php?t=1660 It basically has overviews of the 4 basic types of asexuality. You may want to look into some of the discussions outlining desire vs. attraction. But I don't know what those are. Welcome to AVEN, though! Link to post Share on other sites
Skiddaloxx Posted November 5, 2003 Share Posted November 5, 2003 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! ...between sexual and asexual....it bursts my head. I am Munch's "Scream"!!! It's almost tearing me apart that I really don't know where to fit in anymore. Can't I be a normal, heterosexual guy with a healthy love life? God, I HATE asex right now. And sex. AND EVERYTHING!!! And no-one's ever in the shitty chatroom when you need them!!! FUCK! Link to post Share on other sites
mcsquared Posted November 5, 2003 Share Posted November 5, 2003 All this took me a while to realize (I'm 20), partially because when I was in my mid- and late teens, I attributed my lack of interest in sex to insecurity, prudishness or just "not being close enough yet." Now that I'm starting to think about this from another perspective, what do I make of it? I certainly don't seem to be asexual in the "don't touch me" sense that I see a lot of here and among asexals I've known in person, but I can't think of a better term for it. And are there really people out there who would want to be in a romantic and physical but non-sexual relationship with someone who found them "hot" but not "sexy"? Totally. I was really down today and wishing for a hug all day. I guess that could have come from a really close friend too, but even those are hard to find/maintain since people move around so much. For all the emphasis on sex in this culture, it still seems to be pretty cold with respect to touching and hugging. Is there something on the site that addresses prudishness or frigidity and whether they're necessarily associated with asexuality? Link to post Share on other sites
Jayann Posted November 5, 2003 Share Posted November 5, 2003 Is there something on the site that addresses prudishness or frigidity and whether they're necessarily associated with asexuality? I'm not sure I understand. Do you mean coldness in terms of physical affection? And do you mean you wonder if asexuals are cold in such a way? (Cause I definitely don't think so. It depends on the person.) Could you clarify? Link to post Share on other sites
dabishop Posted November 5, 2003 Share Posted November 5, 2003 Our new pal Dave, over at the Friendship site (and right next door to my hometown - how friggin excellent is that!) clued me into that very same Big Idea: society's infatuation with sex is in inverse proportion to its tolerance for physical affection for its own sake. Such displays of affection, especially between same-gender-type peoples, get to be gossip-fodder and loaded down with (stupid and wrong) sexual meaning. If something means everything, or if something is essential for anything to have meaning, then that something really means nothing. Incidentally, I feel for ya, mcsquared - been having a couple of weeks like that meself. Link to post Share on other sites
radical bluish culture Posted November 5, 2003 Author Share Posted November 5, 2003 On the other hand, I desire physical affection from girls and not from guys, which suggests that it's somehow not "platonic." I think this is where the term "romantic orientation" comes in. Link to post Share on other sites
Jayann Posted November 5, 2003 Share Posted November 5, 2003 On the other hand, I desire physical affection from girls and not from guys, which suggests that it's somehow not "platonic." I disagree. I'm far more comfortable receiving physical affection from female friends than I am from guys, and still keeping it platonic. Just because I like touching girls more than I do guys doesn't mean it's all romantic in nature. Just means I'm more social with the ladies. Link to post Share on other sites
mcsquared Posted November 6, 2003 Share Posted November 6, 2003 Is there something on the site that addresses prudishness or frigidity and whether they're necessarily associated with asexuality? I'm not sure I understand. Do you mean coldness in terms of physical affection? And do you mean you wonder if asexuals are cold in such a way? (Cause I definitely don't think so. It depends on the person.) Could you clarify? Well I guess there's the whole range of people on the site from hating to be touched and not wanting relationships to totally huggy and into relationships so I see your point on the range. I guess I was asking if being frigid was part of the spectrum, if that's just a negative label inflicted on asexuals, or a random characteristic that has nothing to do with asexuality. Like if I were to call myself frigid, which I have before, it would come off sounding different than if I called myself asexual...Coldness was more in reference to culture in general here, less touching among friends than other countries like Mexico. Link to post Share on other sites
mcsquared Posted November 6, 2003 Share Posted November 6, 2003 Ok, I wasn't sure if I was using frigid in the right context or not so looked it up...It says... frig·id ( P ) Pronunciation Key (frjd) adj. 1. Extremely cold. See Synonyms at cold. 2. Lacking warmth of feeling. 3. Stiff and formal in manner: a frigid refusal to a request. 4. Persistently averse to sexual intercourse. So I would say that asexuals are #4 but definitely not 1-3!!! Or is it used more for sexuals that "aren't in the mood" (maybe because they're asexual but don't want to acknowledge it???) Link to post Share on other sites
Jayann Posted November 6, 2003 Share Posted November 6, 2003 "Frigid" is a term used to describe sexuals who, for whatever reasons, do not want to engage in sexual activity. It is also falsely used to describe asexuals mistaken for being said repressed sexuals. It is a generally negative connotation, because in our hypersexual culture, abstaining from sex is sign of being sheltered or repressed, or perhaps aloof. I cannot say whether frigid sexuals may actually be "closet' asexuals. Only they can decide that. However, there are many reasons why a sexual would be frigid: the desire to wait for Mr/Ms Right/until marriage; psychological repression due to emotional stress; etc. Asexuals are only #4 in that we cannot help to be averse to sexual intercourse. We are naturally so. Frigid sexuals are either making a conscious choice to save themselves, or else suffer from psychological repression of whatever natural sex drives they were born with. Link to post Share on other sites
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