Help I'm trapped in a Hallmark movie

[BelleStar]

So, background: never really dated.  Went on one awkward date in high school.  Took a friend to the winter formal to keep a creepy senior off me. Went on two dates with this one guy a year and a half ago.  Did a skype date.  There was a study date in college.  We studied. That's pretty much my entire romantic life and that's fine. Never been kissed. Never even held hands (except for if I ended up in church with the guy, which happened).  Never even really had crushes.  If I did, they lasted 2-3 weeks tops until I found out the guy had a girlfriend or lost interest in him. 

 

September rolls around.  I'm new to the state and have no friends, have been on match.com forever and am not even getting any responses or messages, so I decide to audition for the Ren Fair.  I get a part as a peasant weaver/knitter/spinner whatever. Cast picnic rolls around and I walk past this guy on my way to get food and he's spouting some Shakespeare thing and has a ukulele that looks like a lute. I'm intrigued. He's cute. Nerdy.  My type.  Come to find out he plays the crown prince.  So now I'm in a Hallmark movie.  Great. The more I find out about him, the more I like him.  I really like him.  He's super popular.  Has literally thousands of facebook friends and everyone knows him.  He doesn't even know my name.  I don't know if he ever will.  And this is just so ridiculously cliche I might as well write my own fairy tale based off of it. But as far as I know, he's single, and he's awesome.  He loves his cats and his sisters. He's 2 years older than me and we share the same birth month which is kinda weird. He knows more Shakespeare than I do.  

 

Now it's January.  I'm still just as into this prince as I was when I started, if not more.  I've never had a crush last this long. And I start getting interest on my match profile.  There's this guy who ticks all my boxes about what I prefer in a partner (things like religion, height, age, education, etc).  He's a nice enough guy.  Has the same first name as my brother which throws me off. He's plenty nice and very respectful and probably the nicest guy I've ever "dated" (we've been on one date.  I keep putting off the second because I'm super busy getting ready for the fair right now and he's being cool about it.)  He's also not a U.S. citizen, so he's definitely got that as a motivation.  He's 26 (I'm 23) and working on his PhD, but he wants to teach high school science.  He keeps going to further education because if he's in school, he can stay in the country.  Is it stupid for me to be thinking about things like how much student debt he's racked up getting a PhD just so he can teach high school science after one date? I mean, he already brought up the whole green card thing, which wouldn't give me as much pause if I actually liked him, but I don't.  I groan every time I see that he texts me but I feel like I should like him.  There's nothing wrong with him. He's a nice guy.  But I'm just not interested.  How does my aceness play into that? I'm definitely romantic (what kind I haven't figured out) and am on the ace spectrum (probably demi but I haven't gotten close enough to anyone to tell).  Is this just my asexuality? I don't know how to date.

 

Now I started getting some messages from another guy on match who seems nice enough. But I don't know. 

 

I've always had this feeling that the first guy I seriously date is going to be the one I marry (because I definitely want to get married and have kids).  I have made a lot of important life decisions that way, and just have this gut feeling that this is the way it's going to be.  I don't really want to date anybody except my prince but I also don't want to walk away from these other guys because I'm waiting for the prince to notice me, which may never happen.  Basically, I need some advice.  I don't know what I'm doing or how to deal with this.  Thanks

[girlwiththelongskirt]

You can not change the way you feel about someone, just because he should be someone you like doesn't mean you like him. Romantic feelings are a weird in that sense. I do not know what you think/feel but I do not think that you should date people just because there is no real reason not to. I would have a romanticized point of view but if you do not feel anything you do not feel anything. Maybe you can start conversation with your prince you obviously like him, and why can't a fairytail be real?

 

Good luck!

[BeADreamer]

I'm (gray)aro-ace, so you might want to take what I say with a grain of salt, but I'd say don't "lead on" a guy you aren't interested in because you're afraid if he's not there and your prince doesn't make a move you'll be alone. If you're not interested in the guy from match now, you probably won't be later either and you'd be miserable then if you started a relationship with him. If you can, try to work up the courage to say something to your prince about your feelings. Also, you don't have to marry the first person you seriously date. You say you feel like you will, but it's not something that just happens. Marriage is a decision that you will make, and you have the option to say no.

[Yeast]

You definitely sound confused. You state that your foreign friend is "cute" and seem to like him very much. However you also appear to identify as asexual and wonder what this might mean in a relationship. Remember that the definition of asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction to other people. What caught my attention was your desire to marry and have children. I've read many posts about the problems an asexual person can have in a relationship with a sexual one.  A sexual partner can express their affection in a sexual manner of course. If their partner takes little or no interest in sex this can leave them feeling unloved. Many asexuals find sex acutely uncomfortable. Ask yourself how you feel about engaging in it. Then again, perhaps you plan on adopting children.  This won't solve the problems that could arise from someone wanting a sexual relationship, though. Perhaps the perfect partner for you is also asexual. This will take some searching since the asexual population density is very low.  If you find someone who's not sexually attracted to you their personality is the next thing to take into account. I hope you solve your problems. This forum seems a good source of information and advice.  My advice is the same as what others have said here. Don't rush into anything simply because you feel you have to. I think the secret to living comfortably as an asexual is learning to listen to yourself. One last thing. I find it a bit strange that someone would earn a PHD just to be a high school teacher. Most people earn PHD's to teach college courses and perform research. Maybe things are different in other countries. 

[borkfork]

Ahem.

 

There is no prince and love is not a fairy tale thing you just stumble upon like tripping over a rock. Love is verb made of a lot of other verbs. What are the chances you're going to marry the first person you date? Pretty slim. Even if you think that way, that kind of commitment is a long way off from most people's minds on a first date. You're thinking about the next decade, they're thinking about next weekend if you're lucky. That initial spark isn't love, it's just a feeling to follow and see if there's something more there.

 

If you want to date, don't date someone you don't like, but also keep in mind you're young and have a lot to learn about yourself as well others. A big part of dating is learning how to communicate (check out Nonviolent Communication 3rd edition) and assess others. Learning the right way fight with your significant other is important, believe it or not. You've already demonstrated some ability to spot red flags with green card guy. Sometimes listening to your head sucks. Also, never ever try to force yourself to have feelings for someone or do something you aren't ready to do. Personally, I can't accurately guage chemistry without meeting someone in person, and there's my internal creep alarm.

 

It sounds like you still have a lot to learn, which may be "confused," but also normal.

[Chimeric]

What's stopping you from making your prince notice you? =)

[gisiebob]

learn how to fight with a sword. thats what I would do in your position. yup.

[danvers]

Admittedly, I've only ever had one crush on someone I actually know (as in, not a fictional character or a YouTuber from another country), so take my relationship advice with a grain of salt. But if you don't like someone, you don't like someone. The guy you've gone on a date with may be perfectly nice, but if you aren't really attracted to him, it's not fair for either of you to keep trying to make the relationship work. My main advice is: talk to your prince. You know you like him, which is a better start than with the other guy. Sure, he won't actually be a perfect fairy tale prince, but he does sound like someone worth getting to know. Even if a romantic relationship with him doesn't work out, you could still end up with a really cool new friend.

[Euna]

On 1/22/2018 at 2:40 PM, BelleStar said:

I've always had this feeling that the first guy I seriously date is going to be the one I marry (because I definitely want to get married and have kids).  I have made a lot of important life decisions that way, and just have this gut feeling that this is the way it's going to be. 

To use your Hallmark analogy - many of us grow up feeling life will happen like it does in the movies.  You meet the one, you date him, you get married, you live happily ever after.  But the truth is, that's a Hollywood legend.  Life doesn't go like that for most people, even if they try to force it.  And I'd (humbly) suggest you might be making life decisions that purposefully line up with this expectation, because something in us, either consciously or subconsciously, wants it to happen that way.

 

I met someone in college who was like a prince... attractive, mysterious, romantic, and very into me.  We had many things in common, and, as it turned out, many important things not in common.  We had such a strong emotional connection, I really wanted to believe he was Mr. Right, in spite of our differences. I went on my first date with him, and it was our last.  I had to break it off because it was just not going to work out.  He did not want to be just friends, so we lost touch.  He's since become engaged to a smart, beautiful woman and seems happier than he ever was before.

 

The date was not my fairy tale, but it taught me something.  When you first get to know people, try not to put them into the categories you already are looking to fill.  It's tough when you're dating, because that's exactly the point, isn't it?  But try to see them as individuals first, not potential soulmates. 

 

On 1/22/2018 at 2:40 PM, BelleStar said:

He's also not a U.S. citizen, so he's definitely got that as a motivation. 

My advice here (since you asked for advice) is if you're ready for serious dating - with the end goal of marriage and kids - you'll want to date people who are also ready for those responsibilities.  I'm not saying this PhD guy is not ready, but you've pointed out a couple of his current goals, which make it sound like he's on a different page than you.  Also, it doesn't sound like you're romantically attracted to him; you feel like you "should" because he ticked the boxes...  In my (admittedly) observational experience, that's certainly important, but not enough in itself to sustain a loving relationship.

 

I feel for your situation and really hope things go well.  Why not go introduce yourself to the crown prince - ask him about Shakespeare or his medieval ukelele.  Musicians love getting asked about their instruments, and it usually leads to good conversation.   

[borkfork]

On 1/24/2018 at 2:05 AM, gisiebob said:

learn how to fight with a sword. thats what I would do in your position. yup.

Yep. Check your own car, learn how to use a drill, take a defensive driving class... forge real friendships because they usually last longer and are more dependable than romantic entanglements. When I won a trip for two to Hawaii I picked my friend over my boyfriend because I knew she would last... or maybe you weren't speaking metaphorically?

 

Love may be caring so many other sweet things, but it's also hard, so damn hard.

[gisiebob]

12 hours ago, borkfork said:

Yep. Check your own car, learn how to use a drill, take a defensive driving class... forge real friendships because they usually last longer and are more dependable than romantic entanglements. When I won a trip for two to Hawaii I picked my friend over my boyfriend because I knew she would last... or maybe you weren't speaking metaphorically?

 

Love may be caring so many other sweet things, but it's also hard, so damn hard.

no I was being pretty literal there.

[Amber79]

I wonder if you approached the 'prince' or he actually noticed you romantically, whether the crush you have would last? At the moment you're carried along by the fantasy rather than the reality. Many aces fantasise, but can't turn their dream of love into a reality. You're only going to know where you stand by finding out. As for the one online, you really should be honest with him. He could be in contact with someone right now who does want to get to know him, it's unfair to let him think you're interested if you're not. And your also going to make life harder for yourself in the long run if you let this go on too long.