Dating leaves me depressed and anxious

[PaleFire]

I'm 32, I've been alone forever and never really minded that much until recently. Now I have a strong desire to have someone to share life's experiences with.

I think I may be demisexual, but I don't know this for sure as I've never experienced a strong emotional bond that would lead me to have sex with anyone, but I think there's definitely a grey area that I experience.

 

Anyway, when I try dating I find the whole situation so difficult I end up really depressed and really anxious. It goes like this: I go on a date, I don't feel any attraction but I think 'well, I'll give him a chance, maybe I'm demi and I need to spend more time getting to know him', so I go on more dates, and the guy thinks I'm really keen because I accept the dates, and then there comes a point where I just have to cut it off because there are too many expectations and I really just want time to get to know someone. How can I possibly know if someone's right for me when there will never be a 'spark'?

 

I feel like I need to get to know someone as friends for a while first, but that can never happen. There's nobody at work, and I moved to a new place recently so don't have any real friends here yet.

 

I recently accepted an invitation from a guy, and we ended up having about 4 very casual dates I think - the whole time I was just trying to get to know him but very aware that I was building expectation by going out with him. Eventually on the 4th date I said I'd been single forever, needed to get to know someone for a while, needed time, didn't want to be rushed or pressured etc - he said ok no worries, and then invited me to his place (in a remote location an hour from my place) for dinner and wine and to stay over ("in separate rooms if you want") that weekend. I just thought 'what part of what I just said didn't you understand?'

 

He invited me again yesterday - I didn't know how to deal with it anymore and I felt horrible, so I had to tell him I didn't want a relationship. He responed that he fell in love with me the moment he met me - he said some really nice things but I feel like he pinned too much hope on me which is way too much pressure for someone like me.

 

I don't want to be alone anymore, but dating takes so much of my energy I just can't do it. I usually have a phase when I'll try, it won't work out and then I get depressed and give up for years. I don't know what to do.

[(Enigma)]

31 minutes ago, PaleFire said:

I'm 32, I've been alone forever and never really minded that much until recently. Now I have a strong desire to have someone to share life's experiences with.

I think I may be demisexual, but I don't know this for sure as I've never experienced a strong emotional bond that would lead me to have sex with anyone, but I think there's definitely a grey area that I experience.

 

I don't want to be alone anymore, but dating takes so much of my energy I just can't do it. I usually have a phase when I'll try, it won't work out and then I get depressed and give up for years. I don't know what to do.

Sorry for a short reply. But you just said how I feel here. 

 

I wish people would understand. I guess that guy is trying to be by saying about separate rooms but then saying he in love with you isn't very comforting. It is good that you have been honest with him from the start though. 

[Guest]

*hugs*  

 

I can't offer any help but can relate and that must be hard for you. Particularly when that guy seemed OK with what you said and then invited you on a romantic time away!! It sounds like he's hoping after a few drinks that you'll sleep with him. Ugh, what a position we'd all hate to be in.

 

One would think that there are people out there willing to spend the time to get to know you first. You seem a lovely person from meeting you. If someone is truly in 'love' with you they'd respect your wishes and take it really slow, right?!

 

I hope someone gives you some good advice. You deserve to be happy and hopefully there's someone out there that's willing to spend the time to get to know you and maybe you experience 'sparks'.

[Éadweard]

Then don’t date

[(Enigma)]

7 minutes ago, Just like Jughead said:

Then don’t date

I don't date, more because I've never had a chance to. It has just never happened. But I think I would like to date (with someone like myself). I guess dating is how you meet people. I don't want to be alone for my whole life. 

I guess maybe not 'dating' as such but more in the form of meeting as friends. 

 

It is hard though as it maybe that once you get to know the person after a long time, you maybe comfortable to have sex if that emotional bond develops in that way. I relate to this as maybe I might be like that, I am not sure. 

[MrDane]

1 hour ago, PaleFire said:

I'm 32, I've been alone forever and never really minded that much until recently. Now I have a strong desire to have someone to share life's experiences with.

I think I may be demisexual, but I don't know this for sure as I've never experienced a strong emotional bond that would lead me to have sex with anyone, but I think there's definitely a grey area that I experience.

 

Anyway, when I try dating I find the whole situation so difficult I end up really depressed and really anxious. It goes like this: I go on a date, I don't feel any attraction but I think 'well, I'll give him a chance, maybe I'm demi and I need to spend more time getting to know him', so I go on more dates, and the guy thinks I'm really keen because I accept the dates, and then there comes a point where I just have to cut it off because there are too many expectations and I really just want time to get to know someone. How can I possibly know if someone's right for me when there will never be a 'spark'?

 

I feel like I need to get to know someone as friends for a while first, but that can never happen. There's nobody at work, and I moved to a new place recently so don't have any real friends here yet.

 

I recently accepted an invitation from a guy, and we ended up having about 4 very casual dates I think - the whole time I was just trying to get to know him but very aware that I was building expectation by going out with him. Eventually on the 4th date I said I'd been single forever, needed to get to know someone for a while, needed time, didn't want to be rushed or pressured etc - he said ok no worries, and then invited me to his place (in a remote location an hour from my place) for dinner and wine and to stay over ("in separate rooms if you want") that weekend. I just thought 'what part of what I just said didn't you understand?'

 

He invited me again yesterday - I didn't know how to deal with it anymore and I felt horrible, so I had to tell him I didn't want a relationship. He responed that he fell in love with me the moment he met me - he said some really nice things but I feel like he pinned too much hope on me which is way too much pressure for someone like me.

 

I don't want to be alone anymore, but dating takes so much of my energy I just can't do it. I usually have a phase when I'll try, it won't work out and then I get depressed and give up for years. I don't know what to do.

I know that I am sexual and therefore see this with different eyes, but let me try...

 

You went on a date with a nice guy, who also thought you were nice. (Perhaps the ‘I feel in love with you’ was a bit over the top, but it could just be a way of saying that he really likes you and that he had a suspicion about that quite early. I guess he isnt just talking about your looks but trying to be nice)

 

He invited you to spend time with him, to get to know him better, as you also said you would like befor entering a relationship which I guess was why you went on those dates? Unless he is a horny predator/liar, then he offered a long date with the respect for your ‘need things to take time’. 

 

If you want to know him better, but the visit is to much, then try to offer him another deal. Like inviting him for a long walk in nature or other things which doesnt have an odour of “if you feel like it, you can sleep in my bed” (this is quite normal for a 30+ dating)

[PaleFire]

I completely understand his perspective - that's why I feel so bad. He did nothing wrong, and equally, I did nothing wrong.

 

Part of the problem is that even if I had met up with him more, got to know him and then realised I still couldn't connect with him on a deeper level, it just will have dragged out the whole thing further and made him think I was more keen. So it's a difficult situation either way.

[banoffeepie]

2 hours ago, PaleFire said:

 

Anyway, when I try dating I find the whole situation so difficult I end up really depressed and really anxious. It goes like this: I go on a date, I don't feel any attraction but I think 'well, I'll give him a chance, maybe I'm demi and I need to spend more time getting to know him', so I go on more dates, and the guy thinks I'm really keen because I accept the dates, and then there comes a point where I just have to cut it off because there are too many expectations and I really just want time to get to know someone. How can I possibly know if someone's right for me when there will never be a 'spark'?

 

I feel like I need to get to know someone as friends for a while first, but that can never happen. There's nobody at work, and I moved to a new place recently so don't have any real friends here yet.

 

Well, it's really difficult dating sexuals .. who will assume that's something that has to be covered pretty early on. I know what you mean.. I've tolerated years of relationships, with pitifully infrequent bouts of brief bedtime awkwardness, just to try and appear ... somewhat normal and try and keep them happy ... disaster every time.

I've been wondering if I would feel differently after building a deeper and longer relationship. 

 

They need to know you are asexual from the getgo.. just to remove all those expectations. If they stick around ... and they'd probably need to be asexual themselves of course .. then that's a good start. 

It seems to me that developing a connection online (I don't mean dating sites! .. awful) can really work well. But only if you trust them enough to eventually open up and start that process of bonding. Plan to meet, but only after ... months maybe.

 

I don't think you can look at every possible suitor and try to get to know them deeply, as quickly as possible. And you're dating sexuals assuming that you may ultimately be demigrey ... quite a gamble, and wasting a lot of effort!

 

I'm sure that the possibility weeks/months of Skype before a meet could filter out most of that.

[Always looking for answers]

1 hour ago, MrDane said:

He invited you to spend time with him, to get to know him better, as you also said you would like befor entering a relationship which I guess was why you went on those dates? Unless he is a horny predator/liar, then he offered a long date with the respect for your ‘need things to take time’. 

 

If you want to know him better, but the visit is to much, then try to offer him another deal. Like inviting him for a long walk in nature or other things which doesnt have an odour of “if you feel like it, you can sleep in my bed” (this is quite normal for a 30+ dating)

I agree with this and I'm an asexual. If you don't want to have a sleep over yet, just tell him that. Some people just don't like to spend the night at another person's place even when there's absolutely no sexual intentions, like with family or close friends. I don't like sleep overs at family or close friends because I want to be able to wake up at my own place, having my own stuff and not having to worry about talking to someone while I'm still having my breakfast. It has nothing to do with not trusting the people, it has everything to do with me having a hard time dealing with people in the morning. This is something you can say without offending the guy or making him feel like he said something wrong. 

Also, I think he's being pretty considerate offering you a spare room as if he already understands you don't want to sleep in his bed. If all of this makes you uncomfortable, tell him you'd like to have diner but will take a cab/bus/whatever home and you will let him know when you're ready for a sleep over. 

 

And yeah, having a walk is pretty common. You could do a lot getting to know each other: visit museums, theatres, going on a city trip for just one day, etc. Find something you both like and you feel comfortable with.

[Lipbalm]

Dinner and overnight stay is not something I would take up in this situation. You could possibly find yourself vulnerable and in danger (personal expetience).

It can only mean one thing and Princess merida is spot on. Looks like you cottoned onto it as well.

Nice things that  someone says to you can be a way for some people to simply get what they want.

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

On 21.1.2018 at 11:01 AM, PaleFire said:

Anyway, when I try dating I find the whole situation so difficult I end up really depressed and really anxious. It goes like this: I go on a date, I don't feel any attraction but I think 'well, I'll give him a chance, maybe I'm demi and I need to spend more time getting to know him', so I go on more dates, and the guy thinks I'm really keen because I accept the dates, and then there comes a point where I just have to cut it off because there are too many expectations and I really just want time to get to know someone. How can I possibly know if someone's right for me when there will never be a 'spark'?

 

I feel like I need to get to know someone as friends for a while first, but that can never happen. There's nobody at work, and I moved to a new place recently so don't have any real friends here yet.

 

I don't want to be alone anymore, but dating takes so much of my energy I just can't do it. I usually have a phase when I'll try, it won't work out and then I get depressed and give up for years.

It's been exactly the same thing for me just as long as I can remmeber. Even at a time when I wasn't aware of my true identity yet, dating seemed to be such a weird awkward experience to me. I went on quite a few dates eventually but it was totally frustrating and pretending. Everyone seemed to be so quick at confessioning their love or sexual desire to me, only after the first 1-2 dates when I was just standing there, wondering why. I never had the feeling of being in love with someone at first sight (aside from celeb crushes) so I couldn't understand where it was coming from.

 

Things became a lot clearer after discovering my true identity but it still remains as a very complex and delicate issue. No one seems to be willing to take it's time to get to know another person from the inside anymore these days. I guess it's highly connected to our racing social surroundings, innovations etc. Maybe.

 

You shouldn't try to force yourself into dating just like that as long as you haven't found someone that makes you feel really good and secure about meeting up personally. Starting out as  friends might be the best way to succeed or find a pontential future romanic relationship someday. You could try to find same-minded contacts on demi / asexual sites like AVEN or other related online communities for example. There are also local ace meet up etc.

 

However, I think it's most important to tell people about your orientation first to keep things clear and simple on both sides. Spending some time on Skype or other public chat channels might be another useful approach.

 

[PaleFire]

I guess I’ve never just started with ‘hi, I’m asexual’ because I’ve never been sure what I am. Also it’s not easy to ‘come out’ to anyone anyway - I don’t want to have to explain myself and I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable bringing it up with someone I’d just met.

 

I do appreciate the suggestions though and I’m thinking about the above point a lot.

 

[thinboy]

On 21 January 2018 at 10:01 AM, PaleFire said:

I recently accepted an invitation from a guy, and we ended up having about 4 very casual dates I think - the whole time I was just trying to get to know him but very aware that I was building expectation by going out with him. Eventually on the 4th date I said I'd been single forever, needed to get to know someone for a while, needed time, didn't want to be rushed or pressured etc - he said ok no worries, and then invited me to his place (in a remote location an hour from my place) for dinner and wine and to stay over ("in separate rooms if you want") that weekend. I just thought 'what part of what I just said didn't you understand?'

 

He invited me again yesterday - I didn't know how to deal with it anymore and I felt horrible, so I had to tell him I didn't want a relationship. He responed that he fell in love with me the moment he met me - he said some really nice things but I feel like he pinned too much hope on me which is way too much pressure for someone like me.

 

I don't want to be alone anymore, but dating takes so much of my energy I just can't do it. I usually have a phase when I'll try, it won't work out and then I get depressed and give up for years. I don't know what to do.

Hi PaleFire, In my opinion you absolutely did the right thing. The point is, that just the fact of him asking you to go round to his place for dinner and to stay over "in separate beds if you want" showed that he didn't understand your wishes and never will. There's no point "just telling him that's not what you want", because you already made that clear, and his response with the offer of dinner and stay over was just so WAY off. If you'd told me those things and that you needed time without being rushed or pressured, I'd have been like cool, we can be friends as long as you like and when can you meet up for tea again. So you totally did the right thing.  (And I agree, dating is brutal. I've been virtually alone forever too).