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I don't feel jealousy? Polyamorous? (not sure what forum to post this in)


3ryry3

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In all of my relationships, I have never felt jealous. In my mind, I think its great if they love and be around people who make them happy. I don't want my partner to assume that I own them or they just don't have freedom. I grew up with a very possessive father and that just twists my stomach! I want the person I'm dating to feel safe with their own self and opinions as well as their life choices. Of course, there are boundaries but if they told me they kissed someone or loved someone else I would genuinely be happy for them. I don't want to hold anyone back from their happiness. Of course, breakups are hard and not being loved anymore is difficult but I want them happy. I want myself happy too. I'm very open and realistic when it comes to any relationships and the idea of love in general. I don't want a person to change because of what i want, i want them to simply be themselves. I have never been opposed to my lover seeing other lovers and vise versa. It excites me that they are trying new things being safe and happy. I just don't understand jealousy. Like even with material things I have never felt jealous. I have always focused on realistic ideas, my success and my happiness along with caring for the people I love. I have opinions but I cant change people. I just, I feel like my partners get annoyed for the fact I don't feel jealous. It's not that I don't love or care for them its just like..its how I am. 

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I know this feeling so well. I’ve always found jealousy incredibly weird because I’ve never felt it. It’s hard to even understand. I’ve never come across another person who has lacked this emotion. Not knowingly, anyway. Perhaps I’ve met people who don’t feel jealousy but the subject never came up. When I’ve tried asking people why they get jealous, their answers don’t make sense to me. Of course I don’t feel like I’m better or more enlightened because I’m free of that feeling, but I am glad about it, because it sounds horrible!

 

I find it upsetting if a romantic partner doesn’t tell me they like someone/find someone attractive/whatever because it feels like they don’t trust me and don’t believe me when I say I don’t get jealous.

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"Of course I don’t feel like I’m better or more enlightened because I’m free of that feeling, but I am glad about it, because it sounds horrible!

 

I find it upsetting if a romantic partner doesn’t tell me they like someone/find someone attractive/whatever because it feels like they don’t trust me and don’t believe me when I say I don’t get jealous."

 

This is exactly how I feel

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You might find the concept of compersion helpful. It's a word often used in poly communities that is used to describe the joy felt at seeing a loved one love someone else.

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I’ve been open to polyamory since I was 15 years old. It just seems reasonable to me that people shouldn’t have to be restricted to one person. Unfortunately, my first experience with it didn’t go well. I didn’t know at the time that I was asexual, but I did know I wasn’t ready for sex, so I told him I was fine if he had sex with other people. Well, he did have a sexual relationship with someone, which was fine, but what wasn’t fine was that she was an extremely jealous person and she pressured him into cutting all contact with me. Ultimately it was for the best, but certainly not fun at the time.

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Ahhh there is always a word to express what I can't. Thank you!

I have been in poly relationships that did not turn out well because someone was always not as interested in the lifestyle as the rest. I could be monogamous but it feels restricted and the whole ownership vibe turns me away but I feel like I'm open to either situation. 

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JellyfishWishes

wow, I've never had anyone else share this quirk with me! at least not honestly- people say they're not jealous to make themselves sound better all the time haha.

My husband and I are up for the idea of having a third person pop in and out of our relationship as they please (no luck yet...), and I truly believe this is possible in our dynamic simply because I'm not jealous, he's 100% up front about his flirting and interests, and since he IS a jealous person my asexuality seems to soothe him in knowing I won't run off with our potential other. As long as you keep me informed and never ever sneak off on me I'm fine. Of course if the other person (like our only attempt at this) tries to come between us with lies and slander- as if he and I don't talk lol- I will unleash mighty and terrible fury upon them.

I agree whole heartedly with the above statements- I want him free and happy. Of course he's not pressured to go find someone to get with, but I would like it if he had everything he wanted in life- including multiple lovers if that's what it meant.

I find in swinging or polyamorous couples its usually the outsider who gets jealous, or is that just me?

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I too don't get jealous. The only time I've ever been jealous is when there was something out of my control and it felt super unfair. When I was a junior in college I still couldn't take a class I desperately needed because they were out of space in the class again even though I'd been doing everything I could to get into it and freshman we're getting into the class. I was a little jealous of the freshmen, but it wasn't like hateful or crippling. I too am happy when others are happy and have just started researching and looking into polyamory. Sounds like a good fit for me.

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21 hours ago, JellyfishWishes said:

I find in swinging or polyamorous couples its usually the outsider who gets jealous, or is that just me?

 

This is how I feel. The ones who are not truly involved or interested or pretend to be are the ones who get more jealous. Weird concept

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I got jealous once, at least as I remember. Then, a long time friend was kissing another guy and I got so terribly jealous on the guy he was kissing that I had to leave the room. I think this was a sign from my subconscious mind that I am also attracted to men and especially to him, which I didn't realize before.

 

I believe jealousy is a sign that something important is missing for me and it can help me realizing what is missing. But finding what is missing is not straight forward.

 

Now I'm in a polyamorous relationship. In this relationship I haven't experienced jealousy. However I am still new to polyamorous and trying to figure out what is important for me.

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I always felt like jelousy (especially in relationships) is irrational and destructive emotion. I don't feel it usually and in the rare ocasions that I do, I try to ignore it. In my experience being jealous often leads to repressive and controlling relatioship which is not healthy for anyone. No one can have 100% of their partner. We have to get used to it and appreciate everyone as a person in their own right. And however much of themselves they decide to give us. 
For me jealousy is unnatural and I sometimes get angry when I hear stories about it. I'm not judging people who feel it but I'm very very glad I almost never do. Being with someone who is free to be themself would be the best for me.

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  • 1 month later...

I can definitely vouch for these feelings as well, you're not alone!  I don't consider myself poly, but I am with someone who is poly and they've told me their concerns about me being uncomfortable with other partners they have.  I personally have zero problems with it, though in the beginning when I was interested in them I was cautious of it from lack of exposure and understanding.  During our relationship I've seen them go off on dates and if anything I feel glad that they aren't confined to just me.  I'd rather they explore themselves in ways that make them comfortable, and in this case them being poly, rather than make it about me.  They've told me not many people feel the same that I did, so I'm really happy that I can give that to them! :) 

 

I will stress that COMMUNICATION in that type of relationship is essential, though.

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I definitely used to feel jealousy if I would see someone wanted to get close to dating someone else. But recently, I've been thinking I'm just uncomfortable when a friend is in a romantic relationship that requires exclusivity. It can be hard to accept that I'm not able to spend much time with or get as close to someone because they need to devote themselves to their romantic partner.

 

I'm glad to hear you like it when you see your partner happy to be affectionate with someone else from time to time. You very well could be polyamorous, if that label seems to fit. Just recognize that for many people, romantic relationships are exclusive and be careful to not step over anyone's boundaries (I know it's hard - I struggle with this myself)

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  • 4 months later...
thegadaboutbard

So there are a few friends I know who are polyamorous and have stated that they just don't feel jealousy, like at all.  The first time I heard that, I was stunned that was actually a thing.  Sometimes I feel jealousy, but mainly it'sdue to my own inadequacies and low self esteem (case in point: a collegue knew a language better than I did at an internship we worked at, but to offset that jealousy I took classes.  It's certainly helped and made me realize I need to buckle down more if I want to really learn new skills).  And I want to say it was also partly because I was being conditioned that jealousy in romantic relationships is normal and healthy which always rubbed me the wrong way, but I didn't know how to speak up against that without being laughed at.  ln fact, I've always been a bit repulsed at myself whenever I've felt jealousy surrounding a potential partner (or romantic crush) because part of my brain thinks ¨Oh, this is normal.¨ Whereas my heart would say, ¨Is it really though????¨ 

 

As I dived into researching more about different labels and polyamoury, I've come across the word compersion, which is the opposite of feeling jealousy, and basically both my head and heart clicked on the same page and said ¨Yes, more of that please!¨ 

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