pulppro Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 Hello all. I already posted about this on reddit but I am looking for advice and this seemed like the most logical place to go. SO basically I am 20 years old and have been with my 21 year old boyfriend for about a year and a half. Before we started dating, I know that he had a crush on me because people in our classes would tell me and we would talk all the time and he even asked me out a couple times when I was still with my ex and he didn't know. Now that we're together he has told me that he has never felt towards anyone the way he feels about me with daydreaming and butterflies and all that. At the time I thought it was just a sweet talking sort of thing but now I'm wondering if he was serious. Anyways, for most of the time that we were dating I was about 4 hours away at school. Very recently, however, I moved home to go to school here. This is when the cracks started forming. He told me on New Years Eve that he was having doubts about our relationship and that he had been for a while and he wasn't sure that he wanted to be with anyone at all. So then 3 days ago we were driving around and talking about this and he sort of broke up with me and then took it back. He says that he knows he would never love anyone else this way and that he knows if we break up he will die alone but that he feels like he is being selfish to me because he doesn't really understand how to be there for me emotionally when I am "down" or how to fully open up to me when he is feeling the same way. I have suspected in the past that he might be somewhat on the autism spectrum spectrum and I am honestly okay with that because I love the small quirks he has and the way that he does express himself. I am ace but him being aro has never crossed my mind until he said during all of this "I don't know exactly what it means to be aromantic but I think I might be" (bc I talk about the difference between romantic and sexual attraction sometimes) and now that I am researching it more and reading peoples thoughts and going off of what he tells me I think he might be. This is obviously kind of scary to me because I always pictured us getting married and having kids and all of that. TLDR; My boyfriend told me he thinks he might be aro and I think he probably is. Is there any hope for saving our relationship? What do relationships even look like for aro people? (genuinely asking not trying to be rude) Thank you all I really want to figure this out even if we don't "work" in the end he is still my best friend and I want to help him. Link to post Share on other sites
pulppro Posted January 15, 2018 Author Share Posted January 15, 2018 PS I know it might seem like he is letting me down easy but I know he likes me as a friend at least and that he is physically attracted to me as well so I don't know what the missing piece is to attraction I dont know I dont honestly understand what makes people romantically attracted to one another. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 Quote . I have suspected in the past that he might be somewhat on the autism spectrum spectrum Most of what I see on AVEN described as 'aro' sounds pretty much like Asperger's traits to me, both male and female, tbh. Link to post Share on other sites
Wild Seven Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 I'd focus on things you can simply do and enjoy doing together. That's it. Find shared interests and uphold them, however long the company is needed. There's a lot of chances to simply be, and be well, with the person. Romance doesn't have to enter into it, sex doesn't have to enter into it, and you can still be happy. In my view, those categories of relationships are a bit overrated, when one can simply enjoy the other's presence. Link to post Share on other sites
Yatagarasu Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 To me, romance is like learning a new language which makes no sense gramatically. I'm quite unable to emotionally bond with people which doesn't help at all. I needed time and a lot of thinking to be able to move forward with my relationship. Maybe he needs time too. Also, I do agree with @Wild Seven too. Link to post Share on other sites
Yeast Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 Crushes, butterflies and daydreams are things I associate with romance, so it sounds as though your friend may not be a-romantic. The other possibility is that he is and merely in love with the idea of being in love. His admission that he would never feel the same for anyone else except you may mean that you are his first real relationship. This might explain his awkwardness when he feels the need to express himself emotionally. It sounds as though he is in conflict. He is attracted to you but fears some of the consequences, simply because they would be rather novel and even alien to him. I really doubt he is going to spend the rest of his life alone if he decides to end the relationship. 20 is a rather young age and there is the rest of his life to live. I don't believe there is an autistic spectrum. Your friend may just need a bit more experience to gain the confidence he needs to understand what he really wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 On 15/01/2018 at 4:01 PM, Telecaster68 said: Most of what I see on AVEN described as 'aro' sounds pretty much like Asperger's traits to me, both male and female, tbh. I take issue with that one very strongly @Telecaster68...as a firmly aro ace person, having had many many psych assessments during my long stint in trauma nursing (it is often a requirement of new placements) , at no point did they ever mention these traits - and they were testing for everything! At the most, I was once described as a 'self contained personality', which is a well defined trait, so you're confusing the two. In fact, a lot of people with Aspergers and mild Autistic traits are very unhappy that they can't interact with 'neurotypicals' and try their very best to fit in. I, however, have never had a need to fit in! Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 2 minutes ago, chandrakirti said: I take issue with that one very strongly @Telecaster68...as a firmly aro ace person, having had many many psych assessments during my long stint in trauma nursing (it is often a requirement of new placements) , at no point did they ever mention these traits - and they were testing for everything! At the most, I was once described as a 'self contained personality', which is a well defined trait, so you're confusing the two. In fact, a lot of people with Aspergers and mild Autistic traits are very unhappy that they can't interact with 'neurotypicals' and try their very best to fit in. I, however, have never had a need to fit in! None of what I said contradicts what you're saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 It's just that it comes across as a generalisation, even though you use the word 'most' , in general (excuse pun) each case on its own merits. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 As a generalisation about how aspy traits are similar to a lot of aromantic attitudes and behaviour, it's true. They share a complete incomprehension of what most people get from a 'relationship', and an absence of needing that version of closeness, a lack of wanting anything more than very limited physical interaction, often sensory issues, and from posts on here, often wider anxiety about reading situations and people. That's not to say that all aromantics are Aspies, or all Aspies are aromantic. But the traits have a huge overlap, at the very least, which is how I very carefully worded my post. And there's a trope amongst Aspies about if it quacks like a duck... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 There will be many others who are in every other way just regular neurotypicals that don't need sex and romance. I see you are a heterosexual. As an aromantic asexual, I've been married, had sex (many times!) as part of that deal and have a 27 year old....but that doesn't change the fact I remain and have really always been such, long before I had a name for it. Could you be trying to put us in a box of your own convenience as a sexual person? Rather than trying to make sense of us, it may be easier to say we're aspies? Anyhow, I leave the last word to you as a politeness and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 Just now, chandrakirti said: Could you be trying to put us in a box of your own convenience as a sexual person? Rather than trying to make sense of us, it may be easier to say we're aspies? Possibly, but it's a box constructed based on copious peer reviewed research, as I've cited on the other thread going at the moment about Asperger's. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 Why am I seeing a sexual person, on an asexual website 'possibly' boxing asexual/aromantics? what are you looking for here? Have you truly examined your motives? Do you need it to be true , for example, that a significant proportion of aspies are aromantic asexuals? If so, why? Just out of curiosity, are you a researcher yourself and if not, what makes you so interested as a sexual person? Seems a bit random, that's all. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 Just now, chandrakirti said: Why am I seeing a sexual person, on an asexual website 'possibly' boxing asexual/aromantics? what are you looking for here? Have you truly examined your motives? Do you need it to be true , for example, that a significant proportion of aspies are aromantic asexuals? If so, why? Just out of curiosity, are you a researcher yourself and if not, what makes you so interested as a sexual person? Seems a bit random, that's all. My wife doesn't want to have sex at all, ever, with anyone, and in trying to figure it out, I came across asexuality, and though she doesn't identify as an asexual, everything she says about it is what asexuals say. Understanding asexuality helps me understand her and our situation. That's why most of the sexuals are on here. Same thing with AS, in my case. And no, I'm not diagnosing or labelling, but looking at her behaviour through the lens of AS and asexuality is the only coherent way I can get a handle on what she's like. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 So you're here diagnosing your wife? That's what you're doing whether you can see it or not. You must feel very hurt by her lack of sexual interest. In my experience, people get very defensive and angry when this happens. are you angry at her and in some way need to label her as 'aspie' to make it okay? That way she gets the problem. Being asexual is never a problem to the asexual! It's only a problem to the person who can't extract the sex they need. I'm not suggesting in any way that there aren't people who cross or span the aspie/autistic/aromantic/asexual spectrum, just that to quote you earlier 'if she doesn't have sex and doesn't want to have sex...she's most likely asexual' (quacking like a duck notwithstanding...). I know sexual people who are aromantic. All they want is sex, no relationship, so there are so many permutations...but does that make them part of the autistic spectrum? They have no trouble in physically coupling, but have no emotional equivalent. Yes, there is a lot of research about this connection, but that doesn't mean you have the right to 'look at her behaviour' as if through a microscope, to vindicate yourself? You need to work out where you go from here and the best suggestion would be to put down the research papers and communicate how you feel to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted January 21, 2018 Share Posted January 21, 2018 18 hours ago, chandrakirti said: So you're here diagnosing your wife? No. 19 hours ago, Telecaster68 said: no, I'm not diagnosing or labelling 18 hours ago, chandrakirti said: are you angry at her and in some way need to label her as 'aspie' to make it okay? No. I was angry, I'm not any more. As I said, and you can accept it or not, I'm trying to understand what's going on. I'm not basing my working hypothesis (because that's what it is) purely on her lack of interest in sex, but on a whole bunch of other, entirely non-sexual, traits too. To put it another way - if she's acting how she's acting not because of common aspy traits like lack of theory of mind, alexithymia, and issues processing emotions, then she's stunningly selfish and solipsistic. But there are many ways in which she's far from selfish and solipsistic, so that hypothesis doesn't fit. Interpreting her actions as part of having asperger's makes far more sense of how she is. It means I'm able to be far more sympathetic and understand what approaches will improve our relationship and what won't. 18 hours ago, chandrakirti said: but does that make them part of the autistic spectrum? They have no trouble in physically coupling, but have no emotional equivalent That pretty much describes many aspy people, especially men. They have no emotional connection in the way that NTs do, but they want the physical pleasure. I've been very, very careful not to claim it's a straight one-to-one causal relationship between AS and asexuality, because it obviously isn't. My point is that there is a correlation that AS people are more likely to asexual than NTs, just as they're more likely to identify in other non-normative ways. There is extensive peer reviewed research on this. So, no, by itself, it doesn't put them on the spectrum. But it's a trait that is more common in people on the spectrum than people who aren't, and can be part of the picture of AS. 19 hours ago, chandrakirti said: there is a lot of research about this connection, but that doesn't mean you have the right to 'look at her behaviour' as if through a microscope, to vindicate yourself? I absolutely have the right to consider how and why my spouse behaves in relation to me. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be vindicating about myself - that I'd like to have a sexual relationship with her? Is that something that needs vindicating? 19 hours ago, chandrakirti said: You need to work out where you go from here and the best suggestion would be to put down the research papers and communicate how you feel to her. I am and I have. Researching this stuff is the reason I'm not angry any more. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa Posted January 21, 2018 Share Posted January 21, 2018 Good luck with it all then, it must be really confusing for you, all the best! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.