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Honesty vs Sympathy


Evil

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When you have a problem and are in need of some advice, do you prefer people to be blunt and honest or sympathetic and coddling? 

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Blunt and honest FTW. That doesn't mean that you can't be sympathetic at the same time.

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normally blunt and honest; I find it much harder to fix problems and issues if I don't know they are there.

 

When giving advice it is very situation dependant, to how blunt and honest and how much sympathy is mixed in, but like everything life is not black and white, it is the shades of grey we live in

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These things don't necessarily have to be at odds with each other. 

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NerotheReaper

I don't like opening up to people, but when I do it is usually about something pretty bad. I prefer to solve things on my own, so I operate on a rational level most of the time. So you would think in theory I would like honesty or advice, but opening up is tricky for me. So when things are really bad, a little sympathy doesn't hurt. I think these two approaches can go hand in hand really. It is good to be honest/give advice when someone asks, but being sympathetic and kind is important. Humans are social creatures, so in times of distress a lot of people like to be comforted. Honesty and being sympathetic can work together, you can offer advice but also be there for the person. in a supportive way. 

 

You can also be sympathetic but not coddling, the two aren't connected at the hip. 

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I prefer the blunt approach. More than that, I like someone who gives constructive criticism and offers advice based on finding solutions. I can do my own leg work, but if you're at a loss, sometimes you just need to be pointed in the right direction.

 

If I don't know, I did something stupid like cheat on a significant other and a friend told me: "You did nothing wrong, you're perfect--its all her", I'd probably stop being friends with that person. I'd prefer the friend to be straight with me: "How could you?! She's good people. Karma is a bitch. You need to tell her, or I will..." Basically making it clear, they won't stand by me, fucking up in life. This is the type of friend or person you hang onto.

 

Its a horrible example, as I'd never cheat but you get the point

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I prefer people to be sympathetic. I don't mind honesty, but I like it to be spoken in a kind and non-insulting way.

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Blunt and honest!

 

I'm way happier knowing where I stand with people than trying to figure it out on my own, and it isn't mean if people aren't being mean about it.

 

It helps that I trust my friends even though I'm occasionally an idiot and screw things up on the reg, and I know they'll still be there for me even if they're reminding me that I'm being an idiot. Honestly, that's how I know they're my friends - they don't feel the need to sugarcoat anything, they accept me anyhow and they trust me to be able to handle the truth.

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I sabotage myself when people are sympathetic because I have had bad experiences with people that seem are too nice (especially girls)

 

i prefer them them to tell it like it is then knowing another side / perspective make choices based on my and their opinions 

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It depends on the problem. If I need help making a difficult decision, I want honesty. If I need to vent about things I can't really change, I just want sympathy. The way the question was worded, as needing advice, I believe this is more of the first situation.

 

(Side note: I have various health problems that I have been slowly sorting through for years. It is very frustrating, and sometimes I need to vent. That is one of the cases in which I hate people giving me advice. I've already heard it all. I don't need to be told again how great doing yoga and cutting dairy is.)

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Alejandrogynous

Depends on the circumstance and who I'm talking to. If I'm upset, I want both ideally. Listen first, be a sympathetic ear while I rant or vent, then once it's out and I'm calm, tell me what you really think. If it's just advice or something not as emotionally charged, be blunt. Otherwise, why bother asking your opinion?

 

So yeah, at the end of the day I want that brutal honesty, but let me whine a bit first if I need to.

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I think coddling is the worst possible thing you can do to a person. Well, unless they're highly narcissistic. Then coddling is your only option, or you'll be arguing with them.

 

I can however only speak for myself. I'm very self-aware. If I did something wrong to someone, I'll know it. Even if its subtle, I'll read your body language and figure it out.  As a result, if someone wasn't honest with me, I'd know it as well.

 

Sparing my feelings vs giving me the truth to me, is almost insulting. Ironically enough, you wind up hurting me worse by withholding the truth.

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What I REALLY love is when I'm venting, and I say I'm venting and I know what I should be doing but have things to get off my chest, then the person I'm venting to goes "Well, if you only knew what I know then you would do suchandsuch thing and you wouldn't be in this situation, because I'm very smart and functional and you're clearly a mess and naive and unwise and need to follow my directions." Because, you know, listening is the last thing people should be expected to do when it comes to their friends' problems. And I, a generally independent person with an excellent credit score, am also somehow an infant in need of such guidance.

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Blunt honesty. Always.

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J. van Deijck

honest. I am honest and I expect honesty from others.

if someone thinks otherwise, they probably have a problem with themselves.

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If the problem is something that's upsetting me, I much prefer sympathy and kindly delivered honesty - if someone's being bluntly, I take that as them being rude and/or dismissive, and I'm just going to end up getting even more upset, and that won't help anything.

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Well, you can be both, I don't want people to lie to me, but you can be blunt, while also putting something in a nice way and being sympathetic about it. Like, to take a super simple example, if you think someones shirt looks terrible, you shouldn't tell them their shirt looks good, but you also shouldn't say their shirt looks like someone beat an possum with a leaf blower and then taped it onto some old moldy fabric (unless of course you both get a laugh out of that), even if it looks that way, but just saying you don't particularly like it, is being blunt and relatively nice about it. 

Or another example, if someone did terribly on a test, because they're lazy and never look over their notes, you can be blunt and sympathetic in that situation by telling them they probably didn't study enough, but if they study a bit more you're sure they'll do better next time, as long as you aren't saying that in a sarcastic or condescending way, you're being sympathetic, as well as blunt. 

 

personally I want people to be honest with me, but not mean. 

 

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I rather have both, if i find out people lie to me out of sympathy or because they think they’ll hurt my feelings, I’ll be more hurt then when someone is being blunt with me while showing their sympathy.If there is anything i hate then it’s sugarcoated sympathy.

 

I prefer both honesty and sympathy for that reason.

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The blunt honesty is that people arguing for blunt honesty want to pretend they are truthful to themselves at all times, and thus better than others. I hate bullshit coddling as much as the next person, but I'm not going to replace it with performative badassery at the expense of people at their vulnerable moments.

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Most of the time when people come to me for advice they aren't really looking for it, they just want me to agree with what they plan on doing. I prefer honesty in that approach because it usually keeps them from coming back.

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1 hour ago, Snao Cone said:

The blunt honesty is that people arguing for blunt honesty want to pretend they are truthful to themselves at all times, and thus better than others. 

I'm afraid you may be taking this a bit personally... People can only answer for their own preferences and based on their own experiences, it isn't a competition. 

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5 minutes ago, Chimeric said:

I'm afraid you may be taking this a bit personally... People can only answer for their own preferences and based on their own experiences, it isn't a competition. 

I'm just being bluntly honest. :D

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4 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

I'm just being bluntly honest. :D

But I know I'm not better than others, I just don't know how to deal with coddling. 

 

Also there's a big difference between being blunt and honest and making pointed accusations. :D

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Just now, Chimeric said:

But I know I'm not better than others, I just don't know how to deal with coddling. 

 

Also there's a big difference between being blunt and honest and making pointed accusations. :D

Oh, I should add a qualifier to my post then and say it's merely many of the people I encounter, and not all bluntly honest types.

 

Also I should point out that you're incorrect that I'm taking any of this personally, as I am, as we say in the business, "joking around".

 

Coddling does suck. It feels belittling. I just maintain that there are more options than being excessively gentle or being excessively blunt.

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12 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

Also I should point out that you're incorrect that I'm taking any of this personally, as I am, as we say in the business, "joking around".

Maybe it was me who was taking it personally. :lol:

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Personally, I find being sympathetic and coddling as 'papering over the cracks'. It may be a nice temporary solution but it solves nothing in the long run. There are of course times where sympathy is more fitting to the situation like with bereavement, it will always be better to say "sorry for your loss" (though I hate that phrase) than "well, he was a bit of a dick anyway".

 

I do agree the two are not mutually exclusive but I still wonder what people prefer in an either/or situation. My own reasons for pondering this are because I work in an environment that a lot of the time deals in the bad and unhappy news, being anything other than blunt and honest could lead to gross negligence.

 

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Sympathetic people who only offered me sympathy never seemed to really help me much. It was sympathetic people who were blunt that allowed me to take a direction and do something about the problem.

 

"Dude my house is on fire."

 

"Oh that's a real darn shame, likes and prayers coming your way!"

 

"Dude my house is on fire."

 

"Grab a hose dummy."

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3 minutes ago, E is for E said:

Sympathetic people who only offered me sympathy never seemed to really help me much. It was sympathetic people who were blunt that allowed me to take a direction and do something about the problem.

 

"Due my house is on fire."

 

"Oh that's a real darn shame, likes and prayers coming your way!"

 

"Dude my house is on fire."

 

"Grab a hose dummy."

How about:

 

"I've been too depressed to leave my house for three days."

"Wow, that's dysfunctional and you need to get help, big time."

"I'm already on medication. It's just a slump."

"You're obviously not taking the right meds, then. You need to get your shit together."

"I'm going to go back to bed to hide from this."

 

Versus:

 

"I've been too depressed to leave my house for three days."

"That sucks. I know it's hard to build up motivation when your brain is holding you back, but you're going to make it through this. Don't feel ashamed. So many people go through the same thing."

"Thanks...if the sky clears up this afternoon maybe I'll go for a walk and get some sunlight."

 

Also...if your house is on fire you should call 911 (or 999 or whatever is the emergency number) because the fire department will have more effective tools than a garden hose. :P

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