MaeMaze3 Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 Hey, I'm sorry if this question has already been asked, I'm new here. I'm questioning my (a)sexuality, and I was wondering if it is possible that I'm a non-asexual person who just simply doesn't really care about sex? I don't know if this is a thing, or whether it would just simply make me asexual. For the sake of background information, I'm female, seventeen years old (almost eighteen), have had crushes before, have a libido and masturbate, and am not quite sure if I've experienced sexual attraction or not (I think maybe a couple of times, or more depending on what one defines as sexual, but maybe I haven't many times simply because I don't care about sex and not because I'm asexual). I don't see myself never having sex or never wanting to have it, I just don't care much for it or see what the big deal is, and would generally be more interested in doing other things with people (I wouldn't say I fantasize about sex itself often, maybe sexual feelings but mostly romantic/sensual behaviour). I really only want to do it so that I can feel what it is like, and I feel kid of ignorant as to what it's like, and maybe that's why I don't love it so much like so many others do. I know that there are asexuals who enjoy sex or don't care about it, I'm wondering if there are non-asexual people who don't care or don't like it, and if I can know if that's the case if I haven't had it yet. Am I not asexual and just not into it, or am I asexual or gray-a/demi? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 Two questions: 1. Would you be upset if you never had sex? 2. If you were in a relationship and your partner said they never wanted to have sex, would you be upset? Sexuals will say yes (vehemently), asexuals will say no, generally. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Snao Cone Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 It's possible to be sexual, but not all that into having sex at this time in your life. Many sexual people don't really feel like they miss sex for sex's sake, but miss romantic connections to people that they see sex as a part of. It might take life experience for you to find out where sex may or may not fit in with your life, but remember a few things here: - It's okay to not want sex. - It's okay to want sex. - It's okay to try sex to see if you want it or not. - It's okay to not try sex if you're not feeling the will to do so. - It's okay to not be entirely sure of your orientation. Some people in situations like this reject labels, some use "questioning" as a label, and some go with what they think is most accurate. If that changes, you can change your label. You don't need to be right about everything about you when you're 17. There's a lot of life experience coming your way. 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Cnyb Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 Telecaster, thank you, I find those questions very helpful in exploring this. I was fine being married for some years, every once in a while we'd masturbate together, and often forgot we had the option to have sex. Early on when we first met there was a sense of closeness and taking advantage of sexual release together so we did have and enjoy a bit of sex. In that time period, though -- lack of sex would have MEANT something emotionally wrong or someone being sick or some bad vibes with each other more than it would have been a problem in and of itself, lack of sex just meant masturbate by ourselves and otherwise see how we are relating with each other. Levels of hormones do change over time, libido goes up and down. I think the reason WHY at times I was upset not having sex in highschool or later in adulthood, was because it MEANT rejection, it MEANT that I didn't have enough drive or emotional intelligence to play the dating game, etc. I also always felt it was a hassle to be expected to find people for sex, date, etc., always hated attempts to hook up, being made to feel I was a weirdo for not being so sexual the way other people were. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MaeMaze3 Posted January 12, 2018 Author Share Posted January 12, 2018 28 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: Two questions: 1. Would you be upset if you never had sex? 2. If you were in a relationship and your partner said they never wanted to have sex, would you be upset? Sexuals will say yes (vehemently), asexuals will say no, generally. 1. I would be upset because then I would never find out what it felt like. 2. I don't know. It's hard to say if I have never had it, but I will certainly think about this. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MaeMaze3 Posted January 12, 2018 Author Share Posted January 12, 2018 18 minutes ago, Snao Cone said: It's possible to be sexual, but not all that into having sex at this time in your life. Many sexual people don't really feel like they miss sex for sex's sake, but miss romantic connections to people that they see sex as a part of. It might take life experience for you to find out where sex may or may not fit in with your life, but remember a few things here: - It's okay to not want sex. - It's okay to want sex. - It's okay to try sex to see if you want it or not. - It's okay to not try sex if you're not feeling the will to do so. - It's okay to not be entirely sure of your orientation. Some people in situations like this reject labels, some use "questioning" as a label, and some go with what they think is most accurate. If that changes, you can change your label. You don't need to be right about everything about you when you're 17. There's a lot of life experience coming your way. Thank you so much, this is very good advice and very true! I would say that I am questioning, but I also kind of reject labels as I feel that sometimes it might be too simplistic or imply something that I'm not...however I would like to find the label that fits best. Sometimes I feel like I should know what I am by now, as many people my age and younger seemed to have figured out their sexual orientation and/or talk about sex like it's the best thing ever...but hey, maybe they aren't as certain as they seem, and maybe everyone just has a different experience and figures it out at different stages. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Snao Cone Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 6 minutes ago, MaeMaze3 said: Sometimes I feel like I should know what I am by now, as many people my age and younger seemed to have figured out their sexual orientation and/or talk about sex like it's the best thing ever...but hey, maybe they aren't as certain as they seem, and maybe everyone just has a different experience and figures it out at different stages. It's definitely true that different people figure this out at different stages. I didn't identify as asexual until my early 30s, so being unsure at 17 doesn't seem unusual to me at all. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 I am someone that does not identify as asexual anymore. Why? Because I am very much sexually attracted to my partner. I desire sexual activities with them. But, if I never had oral/PiV/anal sex again, I would be quite happy - I actually prefer it And I didn't even want what little sexual stuff I do want now, until I was 30. And some same sex couples prefer avoiding what most people would call sex. So, I'd say yes, it's possible to be non-asexual and also not be interested in sex. Depending on your definition of sex. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MaeMaze3 Posted January 14, 2018 Author Share Posted January 14, 2018 On January 12, 2018 at 2:43 PM, Serran said: I am someone that does not identify as asexual anymore. Why? Because I am very much sexually attracted to my partner. I desire sexual activities with them. But, if I never had oral/PiV/anal sex again, I would be quite happy - I actually prefer it And I didn't even want what little sexual stuff I do want now, until I was 30. And some same sex couples prefer avoiding what most people would call sex. So, I'd say yes, it's possible to be non-asexual and also not be interested in sex. Depending on your definition of sex. Thank you! I definitely see how there is as much variation among asexual people as non-asexual people, depending on what sex means to each individual. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MaeMaze3 Posted January 14, 2018 Author Share Posted January 14, 2018 On January 12, 2018 at 1:24 PM, Snao Cone said: It's definitely true that different people figure this out at different stages. I didn't identify as asexual until my early 30s, so being unsure at 17 doesn't seem unusual to me at all. Thank you! I'm glad that I now don't feel like the only one! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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