argar

Low Sex Drive Stigma

Recommended Posts

argar

I read this article and though it made some interesting and relevant points.

 

There is a stigma against men when it comes to having a "low sex drive."

 

This article examines this issue.

 

I hope you find it equally interesting.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/myths-desire/201703/why-men-experience-low-sexual-desire-and-what-do-about-it

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
RoseGoesToYale

I like that this article makes the distinction between problematic/distressing low sex drive and plain ole low sex drive. I've run across others that either conflate all low sex drive in men as problematic or dismiss it as a problem altogether.

 

"Other factors associated with problematic low sexual desire in men include restrictive attitudes toward sexuality, a lack of erotic thoughts during sexual encounters, concerns about erections, sadness, and shame. And there are those who suggest that men’s low sexual desire is actually a mask for some other experiences, such as an attempt to conceal atypical arousal patterns, compulsive masturbation to pornography, repressed issues regarding one's sexual orientation, or a history of sexual trauma."

 

I found this paragraph most interesting. Typically when you think of restricted sexuality and shame regarding sex, you think of women, because a lot of girls learn from a young age that they should be pure, innocent, or to not engage in a lot sexual activity, especially with more than one person. This paragraph would suggest that men are also picking up ideas that they too should be restrained in sexual matters. The question is now: where are these notions being learned? And who is imparting the shame?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AwkwardGuy

Some men feel quite a bit of shame and fear related to erectile difficulties.  The male sexual anatomy (MSA) is often very sensitive to physical health, mental health, and the man's general disposition regarding what does or doesn't arouse him. It is that way for women and other gender categories as well. However, when the MSA does not function according to how people expect it or want it to function, it is very obvious. It is not something that can be hidden or even worked around, if intercourse and other activities requiring an erection are very important to one or both lovers. The man will sometimes blame himself, or try to find some reason to blame his lover, or the lover will engage in the self-blame of not feeling sufficient enough to arouse the other. 

 

All of this has been a major issue for me in past relationships, since I've always struggled with ED. The misunderstandings regarding my condition have been the cause of some relationships ending. Sometimes it didn't matter how much my partner assured me that is was no big deal, I still felt like a failure, disappointment, and that I had hurt the feelings of my partner.  It also triggered my fear that my partner would replace me in that way, or in every way. This has certainly contributed to the withdrawal of my libido over time, along with other factors. After a while, my body began to chronically freeze up in intimate situations.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
oldgeeza

I've had erectile dysfunction since I was 19, because I have no interest in having sexual intercourse, I've never seen it as an issue, I actually find that other guys are more embarrassed about it, I'm open about it, it's not a problem. Back in 2007, I was paralysed, it turned out I had spinal issues, but whilst having tests done, the doctor shoved her finger up my backside and became seriously concerned when I didn't have an erection, she was looking at more serious issues, I explained to her that I hadn't had an erection since I was 19, I was 40 at the time, apparently, although I didn't fully understand all she said, partly because I was in so much pain, but the blood rushes through the veins and causes a reaction, because I hadn't experienced an erection for so long, the veins had shrunk and weren't able to take a sudden rush, or something like that, but as I only use my penis to pass water, that's all I need it for, when she asked why I hadn't sought medical help, I just pointed to my face and stated that no one is that desperate.

 

When I did try and have sex, an erection only lasted until I got inside the woman, it took forever to get an erection, it lasted for seconds when it did come up, although I look at women, regardless of my lack of looks, I never see them in a sexual light

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AwkwardGuy

I've always had ED within relationships. In my twenties and thirties, it was primarily a physical reaction to my fears, and so the degree of ED varied, depending upon how a woman reacted to my issues. If she could make me feel safe and loved enough, then I could "sometimes" overcome it to some degree.. However, intercourse always presented the most difficult problem for me. It was not something that I had ever developed a desire for. I was not repulsed by it, but yet it was not a source of arousal for me, not enough to overcome my fears. I was more aroused by the sensual aspects of caressing and touching, and situational triggers, but the women I knew wanted more than that, which led to some humiliating situations for me. By the time I got to age 50, I was exhausted and deeply depressed from all disappointments and humiliations, and my ED became pretty much constant. Health issues probably made it even worse. I went through a cuckold fantasy stage after that, but I think that was a symptom of how despondent I was feeling.

 

Anyway, now, I Just don't have much libido in my body anymore. I sometimes feel an attraction to women on a mental and emotional level, but it no longer translates into arousal in my body. I still have some erotic daydreams, but they arouse my brain, not my body. And even the daydreams seem to be diminishing in scope and intensity.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
oldgeeza

I'll be honest in saying that I'm in my 50's now, my last relationship was back in 1991, it wasn't due to ED, more that I was always being cheated on, again, that didn't lead to ED, I just never had any desire for, I still feel attraction to women, but I never have had sexual thoughts, kissing, cuddling, holding hands etc, but never any sexual thoughts.

 

I have never felt depressed or even as though I was broken, I suppose I've always been pretty black and white about things, it's a fact of life, get on with it attitude, my family have had more issues with it than I have, my friends accept it, as far as I'm concerned, I've got this far in life, it hasn't affected me, so I just carry on regardless

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AwkwardGuy

Relationships are often difficult, with or without ED. I was betrayed a lot too in the past. 

 

You sound very much at peace with who you are and your life. That is a good thing for anyone, regardless of how they relate to others. You are certainly NOT broken, as you've mentioned. You are living your life the way you choose to, and not trying to be what others expect.

 

I wish I could say that I'm at peace with my life, but that is not the case. I've not been able to have or experience most of what I had wanted, because of my anxieties and phobias.  But now it has advanced to a new phase, where my body has disconnected from my mind, with the weird result that my mind wants things that my body is indifferent to.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
oldgeeza

@AwkwardGuy, I actually went through that phase in my early 40's after I had spinal problems, my grandmother passing, being suspended from work due to false allegations, my sister deciding to reject me, my housemate becoming a coke addict, another friend hanging themselves, and many other issues, it was the worst year of my life to date, for a long time, things just passed me by, I was working and living away from my home, then as I mentioned, my sister no longer wanted to bother with me, my father and his side of the family were long gone by then, my mother decided I was being awkward and blaming her for not having a relationship, family pressures, at this stage, I hadn't discovered the term asexual, I didn't even have a computer or access to a computer back then, so as far as I was concerned, I was broken, so for a while, after 16 years on my own, I tried to find a partner but for the wrong reasons, it didn't work, no one wanted to know a 40 year old who looks 60, I was just  seen as a dirty old man, then I thought, what the hell am I doing? I'm doing this to be someone in my family, not for me, I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship, back then, the thought of sex, I hadn't had an erection since I was 19, what made me think it was ever going to work? I was trying to do what society thinks everyone should do, not what I wanted or needed, all the other issues were still there, and there I was trying to appease others, it wasn't destined to be, I knew that in my heart of hearts, I sat down when the house was empty, back then I smoked, I went out the side of the house where no one would see me, lit up a cigarette, sat down with a pad and pen and wrote everything down as it went through my head, a pack of 20 cigarettes later, bad breath, it was now dark, I looked at myself, thought about my situation, that's when I grew a pair and said to myself, this is who I am, if others don't like it, well, tough, I wasn't and still am not ready for a live in relationship, I don't think I ever will be, I look, I don't touch, I admit, I do look at the Ukrainian ladies dating sites even now, I know I can't have, I can't give a woman what she needs, I couldn't satisfy their needs, so just look and fantasise, and yes I still do that, but the reality is, this is me, this is how I am, how I will be, and it works for me, I'm comfortable in my single persons bedsit, when I moved here, I knew it was only big enough for one person, it's got a sofa bed, a table and a couple of chairs, the room is full, I spent a lot on it making it my own, I have all I need, I have more than enough to occupy myself, I have some of the best friends anyone could wish for, I get to spend time with my godchildren, I go for walks or cycling, I don't have to cater for anyone else, it may sound a bit selfish, but between work, and my outside life, I haven't got time for a relationship and to be answerable to others, I'm on here for maybe an hour or so at a time, once a day, I don't even own a TV as I don't have time to watch it, I've just made my life around what I have, for me, it works

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now