the_rebecca

Accepting of Others BECAUSE I’m Ace?

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the_rebecca

I recently came out to a friend of mine who is gay. When she came out to me in college I was all “okay cool. I support you.”  It was almost an “I don’t care or have a personal stake in your love life, so you do you.” And I attended some pride/alliance support events at my work over the past couple years.

 

When I came out, she said that “made sense” about why I went to pride alliance things. But I was almost defensive because 1) I didn’t know I was ace when I was an ally and 2) I didn’t want her to think I was only supportive because I was ace. I don’t know if that makes sense. BUT! The more I think about it, I do think that I’ve always had a very open mindedness about other people’s sexual identity, and now I’m questioning whether my open mindedness is just because I didn’t find anyone sexually attractive and therefore was totally fine if other people did/didn’t. Does that make sense?

 

like, maybe I didn’t care she was gay because I didnt care about ANYONE’S orientation. And that makes me worried I’m being disconnected and heartless instead of warm fuzzy and open. 

 

I guess I’m feeling like maybe my perspective and acceptance of others is really just because of my own lack of interest. Does that lessen my opinion and outlook somehow?

 

Wondering what anyone else thinks/feels.

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TheAP

I think she probably meant that since you have a minority orientation yourself, you're more likely to be accepting of others with minority orientations. And no, that doesn't lessen your opinion.

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StartedWithAQuestion

It makes sense, I don't necessarily agree with the conclusion though.  I don't think acceptance of other's preferences/orientation is strictly defined by our own preferences/orientation (though it may influence it in some ways).  A past close friend of mine is a lesbian and while in the Army I served alongside many who were openly not heterosexual, I never once thought my support (or in some cases indifference, or that “I don’t care or have a personal stake in your love life, so you do you.” line of thinking) of who they are had anything to do with my own preferences (which until I started questioning myself always leaned toward heterosexual).

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Chimeric
1 hour ago, the_rebecca said:

like, maybe I didn’t care she was gay because I didnt care about ANYONE’S orientation. And that makes me worried I’m being disconnected and heartless instead of warm fuzzy and open. 

 

I guess I’m feeling like maybe my perspective and acceptance of others is really just because of my own lack of interest. Does that lessen my opinion and outlook somehow?

I relate so hard to this.

 

I'm of the mind that people's (a)sexual orientation is nobody's business but theirs and their partners. It doesn't rightly matter if you're a guy who wants to sleep with guys or a chick who wants to sleep with chicks or a dude who wants to sleep with three chicks at the same time, or a girl who wants to sleep with nobody, ever; as long as everyone involved in the situation is aware and is happy to be there. There's this concept that our sexual identity is our identity. Bring on the sexual empowerment and the freedom to choose who and who does not come in to your bed, by all means... but we are so much more than our squishybits.

 

That said, there's a lot for the LGB+ community to celebrate in terms of having the ability to express that sexual empowerment in a far more inclusive environment these days. When I do the Pride stuff, that's usually what I'm celebrating. I don't really care that my friend sleeps with men and women, but boy howdy am I glad she isn't going to be jumped in the back alley for doing so. 

 

Probably everyone has their own reasons for accepting folks. It doesn't lessen your opinion. You love and support your friend, and that love and support exists literally regardless of her orientation - there's a lot to be said for that. 

 

1 hour ago, the_rebecca said:

I do think that I’ve always had a very open mindedness about other people’s sexual identity, and now I’m questioning whether my open mindedness is just because I didn’t find anyone sexually attractive and therefore was totally fine if other people did/didn’t.

Doesn't make ya any less open-minded. One could make the argument that since you're so neutral, you're biased in neither direction... which could make you the openest kind of mind there is.

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OpenAce

WOW! :) I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE! :D

Sorry, excuse the shouting, I thought I was the only one who felt like this...

One of my friendship groups is all LGBT+, for a long time I was the only person who identified as straight cis. Now, the only straight person is trans, and the two cis people (me and another) are ace. As a sex repulsed/adverse aroace I find the thought of sex with anybody gross, and unappealing, so I didnt really have anything against specific people/genders having sex with each other.

I do find that I am very removed from other people's orientations and relationships- I frequently find out that my friends were dating months after they'd broken up...

Personally I don't think that it lessens our opinions, it might contribute to it sure, but if you were an ally before you identified as ace, then you were still supporting them. lots of LGBT+ people support even before they identify of LGBT+

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TaylorWaffle

Oddly enough I have noticed this in both sexuality and gender.  I was always more willing to accept anyones pronouns when I was agender the first time.  More accepting of genderfluid peeps when I didn't even know I was genderfluid at the time.  I literally had no gender at all, but found it very very easy to support anyone of any gender id.

 

Same goes for sexuality.  I was always more or less okay before I id'ed ace.  Now I care even less.  I dunno but when you are a part of something you have more compassion but when you have 0 of something you are even more supportive of people with greater than or equal to 0.  What other people do with their relationships, their kinks, their preferences, it simply has ceased to matter.  I'm not the hugest fan of hearing about it but yeah, you do you.

 

I don't know if that is because I had 0 gender and 0 sexuality, but I find it very easy to accept other people at their word and not judge. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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gisiebob

your different traits don't do battle against each other.

 

also known as

 

you are your different traits doing battle against each other.

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MrDane

I am a heterosexual sexual male, who find girls interesting. I can much easier understand other sexual heterosexual guys, who also find themselves drawn towards girls and are fascinated by their bodies and looks and how they walk and what they think. It is much harder for me to feel the same about the girly fascination of boys. I understand. I accept. I use it as an analogy , I dont feel it as an internal thing. I can relate. I dont feel. “I guess you have it with strawberries as I have it with abricots?l

 

Being part of a minority gives you, the asexual, a head start on comprehending feelings about being another kind of minority. “Do you also hate when people put you in a box that doesnt fit.”

It doesnt give you a better feel on how a “gay guy desires a gay guy” since the desire-part is out of your feeling internally.

 

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GLRDT

For me, I was brought up to be accepting, open, and non judgemental to a certain extent and through my struggles and experiences in my life, I built myself into someone who I feel is very accepting and non judgemental. This had nothing to do with my sexuality. I am this way most likely because of a combination of the way my parents brought me up, my experiences in life, my passion and fascination with people and learning about people who are different than me. I don't think it has anything to do with my sexuality.

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the_rebecca
22 hours ago, OpenAce said:

WOW! :) I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE! :D

Sorry, excuse the shouting, I thought I was the only one who felt like this...

 

Yes!! I love love LOVE it when I suddenly realize m not alone. Every time  feel strange or abnormal or alone, I reach out to this community and find that I’m none of those things. 💕❤️

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OpenAce
1 minute ago, the_rebecca said:

I reach out to this community and find that I’m none of those things. 💕❤️

yes, its one of the best feelings in the world... :)

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TaylorWaffle

 

1 hour ago, the_rebecca said:

Yes!! I love love LOVE it when I suddenly realize m not alone. Every time  feel strange or abnormal or alone, I reach out to this community and find that I’m none of those things. 💕❤️

I agree so hard. I came to this forum and I'm suddenly not strange!

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GryphonLover

I think I used to be conflicted being around LGBT+ folks, because while I had no problem with them as people, and wanted to be friends with some of them, I was raised by conservative Christians, and still partly identify as such.   But after realizing I was ace, most of that conflict has gone away.  I can be happy being around others who don't identify with the mainstream expectations, and are perhaps not what their parents expected or wanted of them.  I think knowing a friend has found happiness with someone is more important than caring about who they've found happiness with.  So, at least in my case, seeing myself as ace has made me feel more accepting.  It also helped me recognized that some of my previous discomfort was I was just uncomfortable with other people's displays of physical affection, and that it involved someone of the same sex wasn't the issue.

 

I don't think you were being disconnected.  I think that going to pride events and supporting your friend for who she is when you felt you had no personal stake in it shows you cared. 

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