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How to tell if someone is flirting?


Fantastic Name

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JellyfishWishes
On 1/7/2018 at 9:45 PM, GLRDT said:

I think it's charming and builds trust more when people are very open with their life to a certain point, but that may be a matter of my personal opinion. They seem real and interesting and pull me in.

I actually disagree, I get very uncomfortable when random people open up to me (I'm a cocktail waitress so... Daily....) and I take sliiiight offense to it. It seems "too forward" to me. The best attempt at "flirting" with me was a young guy came up to me and said 'hey, I can tell you don't care about this stuff and I noticed your ring, but I just wanted to say you're very sexy and I envy your lover. I don't want anything, just wanted you to know.' I still disliked it and was uncomfortable, but I made sure to thank him, complement his courage, (and just in case it was a trap) turn him down politely. Never saw him again.

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JellyfishWishes
10 hours ago, Princess Merida said:

I never considered being asexual could mean we miss signs of flirtation. For me I think that's a good thing because it would freak me out and make me want to leave as soon as possible anyway.

Same. Thing.

Gosh it feels good to see my thoughts on someone elses mind. My husband (yes, asexual but not aromantic- hes the only one I've ever been drawn to) is bisexual and a HUGE flirt, I promise you he could survive on nothing but praise and attention where as I just "....*awkward smile*... *run for dear life*"

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Fantastic Name
11 hours ago, Princess Merida said:

I never considered being asexual could mean we miss signs of flirtation. For me I think that's a good thing because it would freak me out and make me want to leave as soon as possible anyway.

This 100%.

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Fantastic Name
11 hours ago, StormySky said:

If they do the "hey baby eyebrow raise" they're reciprocating signs of flirtation.

Now I'm paranoid because I think I've done this a few times in the past without actually knowing what it means.

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JellyfishWishes

My faaaaavorite<_< is when the flirter touches you. I instinctively pull back and assume defensive body language which either frightens or angers them. I've hated touching since I was a BABY baby :D my dad told stories of how I'd cry when my mother held me as a baby. Perfectly ok with him- not mama. I sometimes feel I'm the only woman in the world who DOESN'T and WON'T hug as a greeting. gross.

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4 hours ago, JellyfishWishes said:

I actually disagree, I get very uncomfortable when random people open up to me (I'm a cocktail waitress so... Daily....) and I take sliiiight offense to it. It seems "too forward" to me. The best attempt at "flirting" with me was a young guy came up to me and said 'hey, I can tell you don't care about this stuff and I noticed your ring, but I just wanted to say you're very sexy and I envy your lover. I don't want anything, just wanted you to know.' I still disliked it and was uncomfortable, but I made sure to thank him, complement his courage, (and just in case it was a trap) turn him down politely. Never saw him again.

Yup everyone is different. Oh and if you're working, that's different. Someone trying to pick you up then sucks about 98% of the time I'd say. You can't escape. The 2% is reserved for people who aren't putting pressure and who are just having a genuinely nice conversation with you while being non-threateningly flirty and you happen to find them attractive as well....2%.

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I have to be honest and say I wouldn't have a clue if it were ever to happen to me, not that it ever will, honestly, you haven't seen me!!!

 

I was actually accused of flirting with a woman young enough to be my daughter when at work a few days ago, she always gives me a hug when she sees me,  I'm a cuddle slut, so I never refuse a cuddle, we were talking, having a bit of banter, she punched me, I commented to her "I love you really" just in jest, next thing, I'm being told that I'm flirting with her, well, as a person, she is lovely, I guess I do have feelings for her as a friend, same as I do with any of my friends, but would that be classed as flirting, or just another way of getting back in her good books?

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity

It mostly in a person's eyes or voice. The way they would look, act or talk to you. Superficial flattering combined with suggestive sexual content between the lines <_<

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20 hours ago, Princess Merida said:

I never considered being asexual could mean we miss signs of flirtation. For me I think that's a good thing because it would freak me out and make me want to leave as soon as possible anyway.

This is exactly why I’m not all that bummed that I miss these signs. For one, it’d make me super nervous, and it would mess up the whole friendship dynamic for me. Imagine this metaphorical Sword of Damocles hanging over you whenever you’re with one specific person ☹️. And, it’d just be really disappointing for the person trying to get my attention cause I’d probably have to actively crush their hopes and openly reject them. It’d be really depressing for both parties, and I’d feel like a terrible person. Like, I know it’s not my fault, but I’d still be torn up about having to basically gouging someone’s heart out.

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So I can't really help, because I am one of those completely oblivious people too...

Apparently a girl I was in class with from 11th to 13th grade flirted with me for 1 1/2 years and I never realised, I just thought, that she was friendly. I met her again a year after graduation and she told me, that she at some point gave up and just assumed, that I was ace, because I didn't react to anybody flirting with me😅

So the only flirting I understand (and dislike) is the one I see in Clubs. Where the other person starts to dance really close to you on purpose, trying to look into to your eyes, while smiling (creepily). This I really dislike, as I love my personal space.

 

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JellyfishWishes

I've taken an additional line of defense by stating bluntly to people in the beginning of an acquaintanceship 'look- you have to be blunt and honest with me. I'm a very literal person, what you say is all I know. I will never pick up on your hints, I cannot read your facial expression, and your body language is 100% lost on me.'

sometimes they listen. sometimes, but not always. they usually have to watch me totally botch a social interaction before they go 'oh shoot you weren't lying- you are dense!' :D

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Fantastic Name
On 1/9/2018 at 7:13 AM, JellyfishWishes said:

The best attempt at "flirting" with me was a young guy came up to me and said 'hey, I can tell you don't care about this stuff and I noticed your ring, but I just wanted to say you're very sexy and I envy your lover. I don't want anything, just wanted you to know.' I still disliked it and was uncomfortable, but I made sure to thank him, complement his courage, (and just in case it was a trap) turn him down politely. Never saw him again.

If he knew that you weren't interested, then why did he even bother telling you that in the first place? That's creepy...

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JellyfishWishes
1 minute ago, Fantastic Name said:

If he knew that you weren't interested, then why did he even bother telling you that in the first place? That's creepy...

honestly its ALL creepy to me, that was just the best of the creeps. so basically two steps away from a serving tray to the face, whereas all the others get Spartan-kicked into the parking lot. and i'm not even one of the hot ones! I really do thank the above powers that i'm on the plus side of average and not 'hot' XDDDD THAT would be awful

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7 hours ago, Hinabi said:

Apparently a girl I was in class with from 11th to 13th grade flirted with me for 1 1/2 years and I never realised, I just thought, that she was friendly.

I had no idea people took flirting this seriously. :blink:

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7 minutes ago, Fantastic Name said:

If he knew that you weren't interested, then why did he even bother telling you that in the first place? That's creepy...

I think he either "felt the need" to tell his feelings to her, he just wanted to do it, or he wanted to let her know someone appreciates her.

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JellyfishWishes
7 hours ago, Hinabi said:

So I can't really help, because I am one of those completely oblivious people too...

Apparently a girl I was in class with from 11th to 13th grade flirted with me for 1 1/2 years and I never realised, I just thought, that she was friendly. I met her again a year after graduation and she told me, that she at some point gave up and just assumed, that I was ace, because I didn't react to anybody flirting with me😅

So the only flirting I understand (and dislike) is the one I see in Clubs. Where the other person starts to dance really close to you on purpose, trying to look into to your eyes, while smiling (creepily). This I really dislike, as I love my personal space.

 

you're a brave soul, ive only been in clubs I worked at, and even then I threw a guy for getting too close

its not overwhelming or uncomfortable knowing you COULD be flirted with???

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7 hours ago, JellyfishWishes said:

you're a brave soul, ive only been in clubs I worked at, and even then I threw a guy for getting too close

its not overwhelming or uncomfortable knowing you COULD be flirted with???

Haha I only go clubbing with my friends. I know what you mean, when I was younger I took jiu-jitsu lessons and once I threw a friend, because he hugged me without giving me a heads up 😅

Actually I don't think about it most of the time, as I am not really the person one would "go for" in a club :D

Though I lately went to a club, where they had kickers and a girl asked me, if I wanted to play with them, as they were short on one player. Dense me said yes instantly (I love kickers) and boom seconds later I got hugged and after we won even surprise kissed by the girl (which I was VERY uncomfortable with)😅

Apparently she had asked one of the people I was with if I liked girls and in their wasted condition they said "sure". Very uncomfortable again. 

That I COULD be flirted with is not a fear I have, as I am 1. Absolutely dense and 2. Just don't assume, that people (out of all the people there) would choose me as a flirt-thingy 😂

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I'm oblivious to flirting. It may be because I'm asexual, but I think it's just because I'm oblivious to social interactions unless it's pretty blunt and....gross.

 

The most recent example that I know of actually happened about two and a half years ago. I guess there was a girl at my previous job who kept on staring at me and waving at me, and I just thought she was being nice for the longest time. That is, until two of my other co-workers had told me, on separate occasions mind you, that she had stated she was interested and was trying to get my attention to get me to talk to her and get with her. Went totally over my head.

 

The only time I knew I was being flirted with was when a woman was being gross and blunt with me about wanting......sexual actions done to her by me. She wasn't necessarily ugly, and she wasn't a total stranger as she was a co-student at college. She and I talked to each other a lot, but I think she talked to me because she wanted sex. So it did help me in realizing I was Ace, at least.

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Fantastic Name
10 hours ago, CallaWolf said:

The only time I knew I was being flirted with was when a woman was being gross and blunt with me about wanting......sexual actions done to her by me. She wasn't necessarily ugly, and she wasn't a total stranger as she was a co-student at college. She and I talked to each other a lot, but I think she talked to me because she wanted sex. So it did help me in realizing I was Ace, at least.

A part of me would like it if people were more upfront about their intentions, but now I'm starting to have second thoughts. Ignorance is bliss, I guess.

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9 minutes ago, Fantastic Name said:

A part of me would like it if people were more upfront about their intentions, but now I'm starting to have second thoughts. Ignorance is bliss, I guess.

That's kind of why people do it, rather than being upfront. It's easier to defuse escalating signals without it getting awkward and hurting feelings so much, than if people were just saying 'I fancy you', and getting the response 'I don't fancy you'.

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26 minutes ago, Fantastic Name said:

A part of me would like it if people were more upfront about their intentions, but now I'm starting to have second thoughts. Ignorance is bliss, I guess.

 

Well, when someone literally says they want

Spoiler

"your salty nuts in their mouth"

in a non joking fashion, that's just flat out weird and a bit disturbing. That's what causes me to look at a person and think they're a sexual predator :lol:

 

 

I'd rather someone slowly ease it on slowly. If they're totally interested, (like more than just a little bit) then yes, I'll admit that I'd want them to be little more open about because I'll simply just think you're being nice, go along my very merry way, and not even get the chance of even politely turning you down (which I may or may not do, I consider myself grey-romantic, as I'm for the most part not adverse to a relationship, I'm just not proactive in looking for one. More often than not, I'll probably shoot someone down politely). Just don't be creepy and overbearing about it; I may still shoot down your sexual advances even if you're doing it in a respectful way, but not only will you get shot down as a possible partner, but as any sense as a friend as well.

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I seriously can't tell when people are flirting with me (there is a story about this, but that's for another day)... but what's worse for me is that I can't tell if it looks like I'm flirting with someone else either.

 

I still remember this one time in high school when I brought one of my friends along to my regular comic book shop and I was having what I thought was a friendly conversation with one of the guys who worked there and she was like "ohmy GOD you were so flirting with him, how CUTe, now I know what kind of guy you like!" and I was really taken aback and annoyed by her assumption..

 

Basically, people always assumed I was flirting with guys when I talked to them, so then I stopped talking to guys. :/ 

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On January 5, 2018 at 6:19 PM, Fantastic Name said:

When it comes to flirting, I never initiate it. When people flirt with me, I'm either completely oblivious to it or really creeped out by it. Usually, I'm oblivious. It isn't until months later that I realize that maybe they weren't just trying to be nice and make smalltalk with me.

 

I've asked some real-life friends (who know I'm ace) how to tell if another person is flirting with me, but none of them could really answer that. They said that it's one of those things they can just tell if it's happening. Real helpful, I know.

 

So, what does it look like when another person tries to flirt with you? Do they speak a certain way? Is there anything strange about their eye contact? Is there even a surefire way to tell at all?

 

I relate to you 100%!! T__T So, I'm not really able to help with your questions. The only way I know if someone is interested is if he directly says it aloud (only happened once or twice in my life). Nothing really came of it since I wasn't very responsive (now I know why, lol).  I'll be sure to read what others say too!

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@Fantastic Name Same here, totally oblivious when it comes to flirting. 

 

When I did get into a relationship (a long time ago now), people that knew me were extremely surprised and joked it must have happened by accident (because the word for yes in his language sounds like the word for no in my language). :lol:

 

So yeh, sorry, I'm not really able to help with your questions either. :mellow:

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My way of social interaction is imitating the other person's body language, laughing all the time because I miss a lot of jokes and I don't want them to think I'm being rude, and making eye contact for a little too long. I just have no idea when you're supposed to look away and then again looking away shyly can seem like I'm interested as well?? To me eye contact just says "I'm listening and interested, please tell me more" but suddenly I want a relationship with someone???

 

As a cherry on top, I blush pretty easily. I'm just constantly embarrassed by the fact that I can't be normal with other people but even I can realize that's not what it seems like.

 

Scientifically speaking though, the dilation of pupils is apparently an accurate sign of attraction (Idk if it goes with romantic attraction as well, but sexual attraction at least) so I guess you can stare someone intently in the eye to see if their pupils are dilated? Oh, wait...

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3 minutes ago, arokani said:

My way of social interaction is imitating the other person's body language, laughing all the time because I miss a lot of jokes and I don't want them to think I'm being rude, and making eye contact for a little too long. I just have no idea when you're supposed to look away and then again looking away shyly can seem like I'm interested as well?? To me eye contact just says "I'm listening and interested, please tell me more" but suddenly I want a relationship with someone???

 

As a cherry on top, I blush pretty easily. I'm just constantly embarrassed by the fact that I can't be normal with other people but even I can realize that's not what it seems like.

 

Scientifically speaking though, the dilation of pupils is apparently an accurate sign of attraction (Idk if it goes with romantic attraction as well, but sexual attraction at least) so I guess you can stare someone intently in the eye to see if their pupils are dilated? Oh, wait...

I noticed the pupils of a girl's eyes dilate once whilst she looked into my eyes. She was in a relationship but I still wondered if it was a sign of interest. More recently I wondered if it could have been due to taking medication like antidepressants because I've noticed mine dilate when taking them.

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1 minute ago, Princess Merida said:

I noticed the pupils of a girl's eyes dilate once whilst she looked into my eyes. She was in a relationship but I still wondered if it was a sign of interest. More recently I wondered if it could have been due to taking medication like antidepressants because I've noticed mine dilate when taking them.

Yeah, there's a whole bunch of different drugs that cause dilation of pupils, but I think then they're dilated for a longer period of time than if it was due to attraction. I'm no doctor though.

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Just now, arokani said:

Yeah, there's a whole bunch of different drugs that cause dilation of pupils, but I think then they're dilated for a longer period of time than if it was due to attraction. I'm no doctor though.

Although, it wasn't the dilation alone that got me thinking it. She did seem to be paying me more attention than I usually experience. She could have just been being nice though.

 

Unfortunately, even if someone were to show signs of attraction it would mean little now. I just don't feel anything.

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9 minutes ago, Princess Merida said:

Although, it wasn't the dilation alone that got me thinking it. She did seem to be paying me more attention than I usually experience. She could have just been being nice though.

 

Unfortunately, even if someone were to show signs of attraction it would mean little now. I just don't feel anything.

Same here. Usually it just makes me feel bad because I fear I've led them on.

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