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aromanticism, social anxiety, introversion, or just not met the right person?


Ooo

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... and a whole bunch of other rubbish.

 

im trying to figure myself out. to help me do that id just like to say some of the stuff about my experiences, but id also really like to know about other people's experiences too!! and advice, etc.

 

basically. im 20, never been in a relationship, never kissed anyone, never sought either of these things.

for the time being im actually ignoring the thought of whether im asexual since its not weighing on my mind so much. i probably wonder about if im aromantic like.. every day. because if im ace, i feel like ok, maybe no sex then, i could deal. but romantic relationships... they mean so much to people.. they define the way people plan their lives, work, their living arrangements. people act like romance and love somehow defines our humanity too. it just feels like a lot, you know? (cant lie im also kind of annoyed that if i never have a relationship ill never be able to split a one bedroom place's rent between two :/ )

 

never had feelings for anyone, and was baffled by other people having them. growing up i assumed people were pretending to have crushes because it was the right thing to do. which i ignored. when i was 18 i basically forced myself to have a crush on a guy and it sort of worked, but i didnt like it, so i just stopped. stopped thinking about him. simple as that.

 

now when friends have relationship issues i just think (but i dont say it, obviously) well why are you bothering then? sounds like a pain in the neck. they always have so many problems!! relationships sound horrible!

as time went on i guess i finally had to confront that my views and feelings werent represented by the majority. and it sort of hit me that the reason why i feel so ruthless, cold, awkward, cynical and closed off to all these things, why im 'fussy' or feel like no ones good enough, is because i might actually be aro, an orientation id been aware of for years but had never considered. 

 

also, quick sort of unrelated question, is kissing sexual, or romantic? or does it vary? never kissed anyone so idk how its meant to make you feel. 

 

back to the point. for myself, and i think also for some other people on these forums, the main mystery is trying to decipher whether theyre aro, or some combo of the following...

 

1) introversion. ive never really sought out other people's company and enjoy doing stuff alone. i cant imagine having another person attached to me would improve my life. does this just describe aromanticism?

 

2) social anxiety. i find social interaction draining and scary. i thought i was a pretty ugly kid and so the idea of crushes was pretty sour to me. does anyone else feel like theres a possibility of someone shutting themselves off from such feelings out of fear of rejection, or some other fear? i mean its a whole new world with so many weird and arbitrary social rules to screw up. thats so scary. also other psychological stuff like idk. my parents live together but theyve pretty much never acted in any way romantic, coupley or intimate in front of me. could that have affected me? essentially what im asking here is, is there a possibility of this being something that therapy or mental state could change? (NOTE: im not saying aromantic people SHOULD seek therapy in order to try and change, i just personally am unsure as to whether the way i feel is due to actual innate orientation or whether it is learnt, you know)

 

3) could i just not have met anyone who i clicked with?? has anyone ever had any experience on here where perhaps they thought they were aro but then they met someone who changed their perspective (i.e. if you are ace but have romantic feelings)? if im into dudes then i really dont know many and i dont get on with a lot of them. so i guess its possible none are just the one for me? OR - and if you can feel romantic attraction, answering this one would be a big help to me - do you think you would know you could feel romantic feelings even if there wasnt anyone who you clicked with? like, is there an innate feeling that you want someone else, even if you havent met them yet? or if you were with a limited group of people for long enough would you just... develop feelings for one of them because of lack of choice? god, i sound like an alien. im sorry i just dont really understand this.

 

 

i could probably wax lyrical all day here about how mystified/yucked i am vis a vis relationships but - and if you are aro, im really sorry if my tone seems negative, its just a scarily big deal to me! im sure you understand..? - im kind of a little scared about all this. we're so socially conditioned to want relationships and nuclear heterosexual families and weird arbitrary dating rules , even though literally none have appealed to me im scared to like.... lose the option?

 

finally, an issue i have is i suck at romantic advise, or just talking normally about relationships. i dont understand why people cant just dump people, why they get married or feel lonely... i feel like im a really bad friend because i really try to listen and understand and talk to people about their lives but i feel like i might slip up and say something that to me seems rational but to them sounds cold and cynical. i never know whats going on in my friends romantic lives in general tbh because i dont ask because im scared of getting into such mysterious territory. any aro folks got tips on this?

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If you haven’t experienced romantic or sexual attraction, your aromantic and asexual. From what I’ve heard from sexual and romantic people you can very easily tell if you’re experiencing it.

Also, because you asked, kissing is not defined as sexual, and it can have platonic or romantic ‘intention’ behind it.

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Galactic Turtle
2 hours ago, Ooo said:

also, quick sort of unrelated question, is kissing sexual, or romantic? or does it vary? never kissed anyone so idk how its meant to make you feel. 

Depends on the intent and how it's received by the other person. That's why no matter who you're kissing or why, consent is the way to go! (but even then you can't control the feelings of another person)

 

2 hours ago, Ooo said:

does anyone else feel like theres a possibility of someone shutting themselves off from such feelings out of fear of rejection, or some other fear?

I have an aversion to touch coupled with the lack of desire to connect physically with anyone. Rolling the dice and getting a crush out of that combo seems pretty unlikely from my point of view. And even if it did, no one wants to have a romantic relationship without touch.

 

2 hours ago, Ooo said:

essentially what im asking here is, is there a possibility of this being something that therapy or mental state could change?

There's lots of therapy that centers around intimacy that could change someone in at least the ways they connect with other people regardless if it's in a romantic way or not. I think that's the case for me, I just don't think the way I am does enough damage in my daily life to warrant spending that type of money. If you're going to be single your whole life, I think a certain degree of mental distance from other people is more of a pro than a con.

 

3 hours ago, Ooo said:

could i just not have met anyone who i clicked with?? has anyone ever had any experience on here where perhaps they thought they were aro but then they met someone who changed their perspective

There was one person whose existence I was drawn to (no other way to put that) and who also was interested in me. It was an odd experience but since it wasn't coupled with feelings of wanting to have physical contact with this person or do anything really besides talk while working, it didn't spiral into the pits of infatuation I observed in my friends. I was just kinda like "nope" whenever advances on me were attempted. A lot of fall out came from that rejection though. That's what I call dodging the bullet. I still think we would've made good friends. Part of me wonders what would've happened if they went at my pace instead of their own.

 

3 hours ago, Ooo said:

is there an innate feeling that you want someone else, even if you havent met them yet?

I think there are lots of people in the world who say they're not interested in relationships. They appear in movies a lot (of course the plot is usually them eventually falling in love, ugh). I will also say that there are even more people in the world who have some sort of desire to form a romantic partnership with someone before they even have their first crush. They long for it. That being said, I'm really not sure. I have no desire for a romantic relationship but I was still drawn to that one person before we even spoke to each other. The brain is very strange and filled with chemicals. That being said, given the current dating climate, if you have no interest and don't put in any effort, odds are higher you won't "find someone," and if you're not interested in finding someone then there's no problem.

 

3 hours ago, Ooo said:

finally, an issue i have is i suck at romantic advise, or just talking normally about relationships. i dont understand why people cant just dump people, why they get married or feel lonely... i feel like im a really bad friend because i really try to listen and understand and talk to people about their lives but i feel like i might slip up and say something that to me seems rational but to them sounds cold and cynical. i never know whats going on in my friends romantic lives in general tbh because i dont ask because im scared of getting into such mysterious territory. any aro folks got tips on this?

Even if I don't understand on a personal level what my friends are going through, I still do my best to listen to them, take their personality in mind, and offer the best advice I can. Does it come off as cold sometimes? Definitely. But since they're my friends I try to stay honest with them and if they're hurt by what I say they put me back in check. Then again, sometimes people need to hear something even if it's not the thing they want to hear.

 

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Jitsuka-Jace

You have posted a very in depth discussion and I don’t know how much I can help but at the very least I can share my experiences:

 

I am 23 and discovered I was asexual a couple of weeks ago when I finally bothered to look up the term. I never understood the hype that surrounded sex and figured that I would get it once I had it. Never had a relationship until recently. I did have crushes when I was in high school but it was romantic interest only (I wanted to hold hands, hang out and cuddle). I never questioned my sexuality because I decided that eventually I would figure it out and I would be ok with anything (never crossed my mind that I would be asexual though so that was a surprise). When The subject of sex came up with my friend, I joked with her that maybe I was partially asexual. She said that that made perfect sense with what I told her which confused me. Then I decided to try sex with my boyfriend purely out of curiosity, not because of sexual attraction. I found it very disappointing and boring. I had sex the second time months later in a different setting thinking it might be different. Again I was bored, so bored I just wanted it to end so we could do more meaningful things. That’s when I realized that sex meant nothing to me and I was completely indifferent to it. Finally, I looked up asexualiy and never has a term more clearly and accurately defined my experience with relationships and attraction. I’m a romantic asexual who wants a relationship without sex. Now I just need to tell my boyfriend that.... and that’s my experience with asexuality.

 

I cannot say how much a relationship means to me simply because I’ve only had one and it was and is very casual and I don’t feel a significant amount of romantic attraction to the individual. I agree with you that relationships seem to be a major pain in the neck. I have fantasies about what the ideal relationship would be like but have never heard on one that was like it... They seem rather insignificant. Family and Friendship Is way more important to me. Maybe we will get it someday??? 

 

Kissing is romantic, though I guess in some situations it could be sexual. I’m ok with closed mouth kissing which I think is romantic. I would consider open mouth and tongue to be sexual and I hate that kind of kissing because I find it gross.

 

1) introversion means that you recharge when your alone rather than being around others. I don’t think it describes aromanticism as I am the same way (I don’t need a partner to feel fulfilled and I don’t think having one would improve my life).

 

2) I cannot tell you whether your feelings are related to anxiety or aromanticism. It could be either. I would encourage you to seek therapy. I think it would help you figure yourself out at the very least and you might be able to address some of your other questions and concerns.

 

3) you are not an alien. I cannot tell you whenever it is because you are aro or just haven’t meant the right person yet. I am pretty sure I’m romantic but I have not felt significant romantic attraction to anyone yet. I would just wait and see or talk about it in depth with someone. 

 

Aromantic people do not lose the option of being in a relationship. Many have platonic relationships with others. As an archaeologist, I definitely agree with you that our culture has definitely conditioned us to seek relationships. I think it’s more important that individuals find what works for them and don’t let themselves be pressured by culture expectations.

 

As for romantic advice, I’ve got nothing... I apologize.

 

I hope I was able to help a bit 

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Colour_Spectrum

Hi,

 

3 hours ago, Ooo said:

basically. im 20, never been in a relationship, never kissed anyone, never sought either of these things.

for the time being im actually ignoring the thought of whether im asexual since its not weighing on my mind so much. i probably wonder about if im aromantic like.. every day. because if im ace, i feel like ok, maybe no sex then, i could deal. but romantic relationships... they mean so much to people.. they define the way people plan their lives, work, their living arrangements. people act like romance and love somehow defines our humanity too. it just feels like a lot, you know? (cant lie im also kind of annoyed that if i never have a relationship ill never be able to split a one bedroom place's rent between two :/ )

I understand this. I used to feel that way too. I'd just like to tell you that your humanity is not defined by romantic love. Judging from your post you really seem to care for your friends. I think that is way more important than romantic love. Also there are some pro's to being aromantic. For example: aromantics won't ever have to go through heartbreak and not dating saves a lot of time.

 

3 hours ago, Ooo said:

also, quick sort of unrelated question, is kissing sexual, or romantic? or does it vary? never kissed anyone so idk how its meant to make you feel. 

This really depends on the intention behind the kiss. In some cases it is sexual in others it is romantic.

 

3 hours ago, Ooo said:

1) introversion. ive never really sought out other people's company and enjoy doing stuff alone. i cant imagine having another person attached to me would improve my life. does this just describe aromanticism?

 

2) social anxiety. i find social interaction draining and scary. i thought i was a pretty ugly kid and so the idea of crushes was pretty sour to me. does anyone else feel like theres a possibility of someone shutting themselves off from such feelings out of fear of rejection, or some other fear? i mean its a whole new world with so many weird and arbitrary social rules to screw up. thats so scary. also other psychological stuff like idk. my parents live together but theyve pretty much never acted in any way romantic, coupley or intimate in front of me. could that have affected me? essentially what im asking here is, is there a possibility of this being something that therapy or mental state could change? (NOTE: im not saying aromantic people SHOULD seek therapy in order to try and change, i just personally am unsure as to whether the way i feel is due to actual innate orientation or whether it is learnt, you know)

 

3) could i just not have met anyone who i clicked with?? has anyone ever had any experience on here where perhaps they thought they were aro but then they met someone who changed their perspective (i.e. if you are ace but have romantic feelings)? if im into dudes then i really dont know many and i dont get on with a lot of them. so i guess its possible none are just the one for me? OR - and if you can feel romantic attraction, answering this one would be a big help to me - do you think you would know you could feel romantic feelings even if there wasnt anyone who you clicked with? like, is there an innate feeling that you want someone else, even if you havent met them yet? or if you were with a limited group of people for long enough would you just... develop feelings for one of them because of lack of choice? god, i sound like an alien. im sorry i just dont really understand this.

1) I don't think this describes aromanticism, though I understand why you ask this. To me, aromanticism means  that you never have crushes and also that you never fall in love witt someone  (there appears to be difference between the two).

 

2) No to all these questions for me actually. I think a crush is an involuntary chemical reaction that happens quite randomly. I don't think it can be actively turned off or on.

 

3) It is very much possible that you haven't met the right person yet and that you might fall in love with someone after all. I do recall one post on aven where someone who used to identify as aromantic said they actually turned out te be a romantic person. Anyway, there is no way (as far as i'm concerned) to be 100% sure that you'll never have a crush on someone, so maybe you'll fall in love with someone in the future.

 

I don't feel romantic attraction so unfortunately i can't answer your other question.

 

3 hours ago, Ooo said:

i could probably wax lyrical all day here about how mystified/yucked i am vis a vis relationships but - and if you are aro, im really sorry if my tone seems negative, its just a scarily big deal to me! im sure you understand..? - im kind of a little scared about all this. we're so socially conditioned to want relationships and nuclear heterosexual families and weird arbitrary dating rules , even though literally none have appealed to me im scared to like.... lose the option?

That's totally understandable. Sometimes society tries to make people believe that having a romantic relationship is the ultimate acomplishment in life. This sometimes causes people who don't want a romantic relationship to feel bad about themselves. In my opinion that is not necessery though, because I think happiness is the ultimate acomplishment in life and people don't need to be in a romantic relationship to feel happy.

 

4 hours ago, Ooo said:

finally, an issue i have is i suck at romantic advise, or just talking normally about relationships. i dont understand why people cant just dump people, why they get married or feel lonely... i feel like im a really bad friend because i really try to listen and understand and talk to people about their lives but i feel like i might slip up and say something that to me seems rational but to them sounds cold and cynical. i never know whats going on in my friends romantic lives in general tbh because i dont ask because im scared of getting into such mysterious territory. any aro folks got tips on this?

I think galactic turtle gave the best possible answer to this. If you take the time to listen to your friends, take their personilaties in mind and offer your genuine opinion you'll probably be fine. You might slip up sometimes and if you do so, your friends will likely call you out on it, but it will be fine, because they know you're trying your best to help them.

 

I hope this helps a bit and i wish you the best of luck in figuring yourself out.

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Remember, the one person who can answer this is you, so anything I say is just based on my experience.

 

On January 5, 2018 at 6:29 PM, Ooo said:

never had feelings for anyone, and was baffled by other people having them. growing up i assumed people were pretending to have crushes because it was the right thing to do.

 

However, the way you describe this statement was how I believed people's behavior before discovering my aromantic asexuality. I never understood the obsession for people craving a relationship and/or sex. I always thought to myself, "I never had a relationship or sex, nor do I want one/sex, so why would anyone obsess over such behavior. Even, how can sex get people in so much trouble, or why would anyone want to cuddle? What is the point of kissing? Why bother with relationship drama" That is how I think about this matter, and always have thought this way. Knowing this feeling has always been consistent throughout my life regarding relationships and sex led me down the path to the two words: 1) aromantic 2) asexual. For me, when concerning romanticism and sex, there is this feeling of just nothingness, no desire, only a feeling of neutrality towards the matter. Also, as Just like Jughead said:

 

On January 6, 2018 at 12:18 AM, Just like Jughead said:

uld be all of the above or a combination of a few. Everything in life doesn’t have to have just one reason

This is so true, everything you list  can be a contributor, need not be one detail only. ;) 

 

Again, this is how I came towards these conclusions. But as I said before, you know yourself more than anyone. Take all the information of people's experiences on AVEN, and take those experiences and draw a conclusion. That was my approach to my conclusion. ;) 

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  • 1 month later...
On 1/5/2018 at 9:48 PM, Galactic Turtle said:

Even if I don't understand on a personal level what my friends are going through, I still do my best to listen to them, take their personality in mind, and offer the best advice I can. Does it come off as cold sometimes? Definitely. But since they're my friends I try to stay honest with them and if they're hurt by what I say they put me back in check. Then again, sometimes people need to hear something even if it's not the thing they want to hear.

I just want to add to this sentiment. I've never been in a romantic relationship, but I'm lucky to have several very close friends who open up to me about these things. Though I still sometimes feel awkward giving "advice" given my inexperience, they often tell me that I've helped them. Remember that even though you're right that society can make it feel like people not interested in romantic relationships aren't human, we are actually the same species! A lot of times relationship problems are about communication, respect, emotional intelligence, and other things that are important to almost all people--even asexuals!

 

That said, @Ooo, it sounds like maybe you experience even friendships differently than I do (if you don't experience loneliness ever), which is also ok...just a caveat that maybe my advice about advice (meta-advice?) doesn't apply so well. I do relate to your rent-splitting yearnings. And social anxiety. In my experience therapy can help with the latter, and that might be a good way to start figuring out how much of your feelings about relationships are due to "shutting yourself off" versus being naturally (whatever that means) aro.

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Honestly, I just made a post similar to this but this is everything i would have liked to say.  I identify with everything you say here from not being sure about the cause of not being certain about a relationship to the parents who weren't intimate and so not having a childhood seeing it.  You're about the same age as me and so I like to think that as we get older, we may discover these things about ourselves?  We may not get so bogged down in the details and hopefully, just see what happens/changes as we get older and hopefully, it will still all work out somehow.  

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  • 1 month later...

just want to say i know i abandoned this thread - i havent been on here in a while - but i rlly appreciate all the replies. thanks guys!! 

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YES I understand completely where you are coming from!!! All of the things on your list apply to my life as well... and yeah, sometimes it feels weird to think about relationships and just not get the appeal of them. Maybe your lack of romantic interest is in part caused by all of those things, but that doesn't make it any less valid. I don't really have answers here, but I thought it might help to say that you are not alone. In terms of giving relationship advice to friends, I would suggest to talk about it as you would talk about a friendship. After all, if someone is not at least friends with their SO then it is probably not going to last.

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