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How do you have healthy aro relationships?


olusatrum

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Having somewhat recently clarified my thoughts on love and relationships into a self-identification of aromantic, I am now trying to use this knowledge to make some changes in my life. In the past, I have been a pretty unskilled interpersonal relationship-haver and I think I now understand part of the reason. In my only romantic relationship (over now), I felt no romantic attraction, which was confusing for me at the time and mixed with his manipulative tendencies in some icky and traumatizing ways. Before that, I had several very close friendships that all ended poorly. Looking back, I think i was expecting something closer to a QPR from these friendships and inappropriately acting on those desires. I wanted and expected a level of commitment, loyalty, support and emotional intimacy that was not part of their definition of friendship. Not understanding these desires, I was unknowingly treating our relationship as a QPR and feeling hurt that they weren't doing the same. In these ways, all of my major life relationships (family excluded) have been deeply unhealthy and painful for me. I haven't had a close relationship in several years for fear of repeating past traumatic experiences, and I'm now realizing that I'm pretty lonely :/

 

So now, I want to practice healthy relationship-having. I think some form of a QPR is something I would like to have. How do I find people who feel similarly? How did you find people who feel similarly to you? How have you navigated wanting "more than friends but not lovers" with people unfamiliar with the concept? In my opinion, aromanticism and asexuality are confusing and broad identifying terms. What do they mean to you and your healthy close relationships? How have you successfully navigated the divide between close committed relationships and regular degular friendship? I really really want to hear examples of how people have formed relationships while navigating an identity most of the world doesn't understand (and sort of seems to defy understanding at all)!

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TBH, I plan to stay single with a few REALLY good friends to hang out with. Hopefully this helps!

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  • 3 weeks later...
Aroace...Artimus

Well, I always just want really close friends. I do want to be in a QPR or maybe a lot of QPR’s, but, I just really like having close friends. And, that can be difficult for me, especially since I barely ever feel platonic and queerplatonic feelings for someone. But, if you want a really healthy relationship, try to become friends with really humble, modest, and kind people. I really want to meet someone very nice and fun so we can be in a QPR together (that’s like my dream). So just put yourself out there and try to find some great people. Now, since this isn’t a romantic or sexual relationship, make sure you talk to your partner, especially if they’re not aromantic or asexual, to make sure that you aren’t looking for that in the relationship.

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Idk if this helps, but I always kind of fell into social norms when it came to relationship stuff. I'm very "go with the flow" in my nature and the fact I didn't really have romantic preferences made it easy for me to just fall into a role I was expected. I am a very loving person and I love being loved, just not in a particularly romantic sense. So the "caring" aspect of romantic relationships came easy to me, and it seemed like as long as I did that, the relationship was good. But then I had difficulty when it came to commitment. I didn't (and still have trouble) with the idea that I shouldn't care about more than one person. It felt very very limiting and suffocating to me being in an exclusive relationship. That's kind of how I realized I was aromantic and that my "caring" was not "romantic love." 

 

One tip I could give you is **create and maintain boundaries**. I used to be very affectionate with people, just because that's what I figured I should be like and what made people happy and therefore became habit. My new boundaries would incorporate "keeping x distance with friends" and "never do things just to make others happy." At least until I understand my own preferences a bit better and can confidently voice them. This ensures don't create more complications for myself i.e; accidentally getting into romantic relationships. 

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Oy yeah, I have this one platonic squish pair: They're so amazing and fit so cohesively to my personality. I guess it's just platonic all the way

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1 hour ago, emzbearz said:

I didn't (and still have trouble) with the idea that I shouldn't care about more than one person. It felt very very limiting and suffocating to me being in an exclusive relationship. That's kind of how I realized I was aromantic and that my "caring" was not "romantic love." 

Maybe looking into polyamorous can help you finding out what you want in a relationship and how you best connect with other people. It may also help to find people sharing your idea of a relationship.

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Galactic Turtle

I personally never understood the concept of a QPR as a "more than friends, less than lovers" thing and I'm aro-ace. I always assumed you just kinda fell into it if you happened to have a friend who was equally uninterested in romantic relationships and if your lives happened to match up in a way where creating an exclusive bond made sense then you'd put forth the idea? I have a friend who, for lack of a better term, is pretty high maintenance emotionally speaking. Luckily she has lots of friends to vent to and work through her feelings with however I was a bit saddened one day when she was describing it from her point of view. She saw no point in making friends because they'd all leave her someday. No one would ever "commit" to her. When I asked her about boyfriends (because she swears up and down that she's straight) she said she didn't want that because the boys she likes will never like her back and she gets embarrassed easily when sexual intimacy is brought up in any shape or form. Nevertheless, she wants that friend who comes when she calls for them, pats her back, and validates her feelings without putting the burden on her to reciprocate those feelings back (because she's bad at that, her words not mine). Still it's a bit of a bummer to listen to your friend talking about how she has no "true friends" when you're sitting right in front of them. 

 

What I tell her is that there's in infinite amount of ways exclusive relationships can work, that they don't have to look the way they do on TV. That's easier said than done of course which is what makes bonds that take elements from both the average friendship and the average romantic relationship naturally tricky to secure. My advice would be to just go through life taking friendship as it comes and if it happens to develop past that then let it happen. However, expecting the type of bond you're seeking from everyone you befriend, as you've noticed, might push people away if you come on too strongly out of the blue. On the other hand, you could try to navigate the dating game where there's also a chance you could run into someone looking for the type of exclusive relationship you're describing. Again, it will be hard, but that generally seems to be the nature of things. The important thing is that you know what you're looking for. A lot of people never even get that far. :P

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  • 3 months later...
Artsy Anvil

When it comes to me, I really want to be in a queerplatonic relationship. And I also want to have some platonic relationships too (friendships). So, when it comes to you trying to have healthy aromantic realtionships, just get to know some very kind, modest, nice, caring, and sweet people. Try finding people who you share some common interests with, but, also find some people who are a bit different from you. It’s good to have a diverse variety. And, also try to find people who will accept you for who you are and support you in any way.

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