First crush and noticing something different about yourself

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Anna Newell.

 

I was 13?

 

She was my first crush in high school. Probably only crush. Cannot say exactly what made her so interesting to me but I realised I took notice. I mean, I liked her hair (no one else had the same style), and I liked the colour of it (like a deep auburn). She was well spoken. And her smile... It was nice.

 

At times, I caught myself holding a gaze towards her and getting in looks when I could. She was just... Mesmerising?

 

Thing is, I never imagined kissing her or doing anything more with her. She was just interesting. Held my attention.

 

And thinking back, that might be the first moment I noticed something was different about myself. The boys in our group were always explicit and showy with want they wanted to do with girls. I certainly had no such inclinations. But then I noticed the girls were very intimate about their crushes. Kissing and touching. Either way, there was a desire to be close to the ones they felt strongly about. Again I certainly was not like that. It was a "huh" moment for me noticing this difference and not "what the hell, why am I this way?!"

 

If you don't mind me asking, who was your first crush and what did it entail? Did you notice something was different about yourself through it?

[Figment]

Carey H.

 

He was a good friend of my 'cousin'. He was over at our shared house very often and would play video games with him. I think what I noticed most about him was his super dorky laugh. For some reason, I thought it was the best thing ever. 

 

They were high school guys, I was in 8th grade, but I really liked him. We hung out, sometimes, the three of us. And it got to a point where I just... really wanted to hang with him, even if my cousin wasn't there. So, I snuck online after my parents went out dancing and emailed him. But even after he agreed to go out with me, I still was only interested in hugging.

 

I honestly never thought anything of it, being so young. I figured that the whole 'sexual' part would come with growing up, that I'd just wake up one day and go "I really love him, we should do the sex." But it never happened.

[Flump222]

My first crush was just this year (I'm 15). When I was younger, I thought that liking people like that was weird, and I just never really felt that way about anyone. When I first saw her, it wasn't there, but it began to develop (she sat next to me in Spanish). I was in denial for about a month, and then I finally told my friends that I liked someone. I only told them who later. It was really a different feeling for me, and I just really wanted to spend time with her, maybe hold hands, no sexual stuff. That just seemed really out of place for me. Eventually I found out she didn't like me, and it went away. At that time, I didn't know I was ace, but having the crush end prompted me to think that nobody liked me because they thought that I was ace, and thought I wouldn't like them (I didn't fully understand what it means to be ace at that time). So I talked with my friends about it, and then I thought to myself: "What if I AM asexual?" That led to a lot of research, asking questions, being confused, and now I'm here, and I'm (reasonably) confident in calling myself (at least somewhat) asexual.

[doveatfirstsight]

Mine was a girl called Gabby; I think I was 10 or 11 at the time. I was about the same as you were with my feelings towards her - she was just nice. Nice to speak to, nice to look at, but I also didn't really want anything other than to talk or spend time with her. I totally agree with noticing everyone else's way of showing their crush was more forward and explicit, and somehow had a different dynamic to mine. Although I didn't know it at the time, that was the difference between sexuality and asexuality.

 

Growing up, it took me until I was 13 before my friends persuaded me (or I succumbed to peer pressure, I'm not really sure...) to hug someone. Sounds simple, but it was a big deal at the time. During all of that time, I think I was trying to conform with the way others went about their crushes, but was never really particularly happy with it. Now I know I don't need to follow the crowd, and am much happier for it!

 

Nowadays, I'm totally OK with physical contact, and even enjoy a hug, holding hands, or a playing footsie. Beyond that I'm not really interested. So since my first crush, I've had a bunch of others. Maybe two of those had something that could have been signs of sexual attraction, but actually I just think it was me enjoying connecting with someone.

 

When you were at school, if you can remember, what did you think the reason for other people's relationships seeming different was? Did you, like me, try to change your behaviour just to conform with everyone else's because it seemed the 'right' way to do it?

 

So, sorry for the slightly disconnected ramblings! After all of that, that's led me to conclude that I'm a romantic ace, and it's taken me until I'm 25 to properly figure that out. I'm interested - at what point did you identify as ace?

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1 hour ago, doveatfirstsight said:

Mine was a girl called Gabby; I think I was 10 or 11 at the time. I was about the same as you were with my feelings towards her - she was just nice. Nice to speak to, nice to look at, but I also didn't really want anything other than to talk or spend time with her. I totally agree with noticing everyone else's way of showing their crush was more forward and explicit, and somehow had a different dynamic to mine. Although I didn't know it at the time, that was the difference between sexuality and asexuality.

 

Growing up, it took me until I was 13 before my friends persuaded me (or I succumbed to peer pressure, I'm not really sure...) to hug someone. Sounds simple, but it was a big deal at the time. During all of that time, I think I was trying to conform with the way others went about their crushes, but was never really particularly happy with it. Now I know I don't need to follow the crowd, and am much happier for it!

 

Nowadays, I'm totally OK with physical contact, and even enjoy a hug, holding hands, or a playing footsie. Beyond that I'm not really interested. So since my first crush, I've had a bunch of others. Maybe two of those had something that could have been signs of sexual attraction, but actually I just think it was me enjoying connecting with someone.

 

When you were at school, if you can remember, what did you think the reason for other people's relationships seeming different was? Did you, like me, try to change your behaviour just to conform with everyone else's because it seemed the 'right' way to do it?

 

So, sorry for the slightly disconnected ramblings! After all of that, that's led me to conclude that I'm a romantic ace, and it's taken me until I'm 25 to properly figure that out. I'm interested - at what point did you identify as ace?

Oh, ramble away! I'm a rambler myself. We need to get it it out in whatever form feels right.

 

For the last question... three days ago. 

 

It's all come really fast at me and for the past couple of days I've been re-examining my life up to this point. I've done nothing else except be on this forum and just zoning out. Like, it feels right. True. And that's been... it is hard to describe because up until three days ago I thought there was something wrong with me for the way I am. I was broken or mentally ill. So the view of myself was always negative. And now, for the first time in my life I see this word and it doesn't fill me with negative thoughts.

 

As for what I thought was the reason back then... I remember not giving it much thought at all. I registered the difference but never gave it thought. I was very quiet, anxious and was easily exploited and so I ended up adopting what others thought of me as the reason: I was frigid. A coward. Ugly. Yeah, I tried to conform. Pretend and say I liked someone when pushed to say if I liked someone. Or use all the slang words the group used whenever a girl walked by ("she's well fit!" and so on). I always felt uncomfortable. I remember one time the group I was part of were pushing me to play mouth buddies with a girl called Tammy. After many protests, I saw no way out so I said in a very forceful manner that she was ugly (I felt horrible saying that). And then the group had a go at me for having too high a standard. I was just glad the conversation was over.

 

Indeed, I remember almost always being the punchline for the group whenever the subject of kissing / sex was brought up. Anyone on the outside would say I was sheltered and shy but the truth was I had no interest. In any case, they made fun of me by putting me on the spot about what what 'this' act was or what do you do when 'that' happens. And right now, one instance pops right up. They asked me (knowing full well I did not know) what was french kissing. In a crowd of about a dozen. I did not know. I could not care less about any sort of kissing. But I did care about this attempt to make me feel like trash. So, to put an end to the bullying I did an educated guess and... motioned the peck on both cheeks. 

 

Oh boy, they had fun with that.

Edited December 28, 2017 by umbasa

[Homer]

May an old fart like me chime in to point out that a lot of teenagers make up a lot of exaggerated nonsense in order to appear more "mature" - sexual and/or romantic stuff included.

 

I would recommend not to think too much about it

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13 minutes ago, Grinchmer said:

May an old fart like me chime in to point out that a lot of teenagers make up a lot of exaggerated nonsense in order to appear more "mature" - sexual and/or romantic stuff included.

 

I would recommend not to think too much about it

Although that is true when part of groups even boasting and showy behaviour has a seed of truth at the center.

 

Those same boys on their own was still very intent on getting closer to girls and were driven by something I knew I didn't possess. Made more obvious when intent became action.

[donttouchme]

Mine was around age 12 in middle school. It was tantalizing and mesmerizing. I never wished to do anything more than speak with and look at her. The physical side never occurred to me. I remember lots of frustration over a crush because it meant she held a certain power over me. To this day I detest crushes though I am much better at exiting the situation (usually takes a week or one conversation. But if she's interesting too? then I'm do takes a month or two). If I allow myself a moment or two to feel enchanted, I may be able to describe a more complete picture of those awful emotions:

 

I remember the shine of her black hair and how it draped over her shoulders. The curve of her hand and how they were so small like white petals. As ridiculous as it sounds, it seemed everything about her was full of grace. Her eyes were the color of maple syrup and as sweet to look at. Her teeth were like shy pearls peeking beneath faintly formed dimples on rose-blushed cheeks. 

 

That's what I remember. I recognize the signs early now and they're weaker than the first time I felt such power. I do not remember ever having a sexual draw to all but one of my crushes. The one that I did only came after months of knowing each other and slowly building a foundation. It was a lot of time, a huge emotional investment, and ultimately a lot of pain. Some joy came of it but not enough to justify the pain, really. Love today feels like an imp coiled beneath the chair.  A playful, mischievous devil I'd rather not see but can tame when the time comes. I do feel some urge but never enough to act and I suppose that's why I am demi. 

[OldSoul]

Even the "Crushes" I had that turned into year long relationships were forced. I don't think I've ever had a real crush.

[EggplantWitch]

I had my first crush, or maybed realised that I had a crush, this August at the age of 20 on a very very wacky Belgian internet friend, and I still have it now also at the age of 20 albeit in a slightly lessened capacity (which I'm honestly grateful for). The fact I didn't have any as a kid or as a teen is what first clued me in to the fact I was different. A story I've often told on AVEN as the moment where I realised it involved 15-year-old me bursting into tears in the middle of the street because my best friend, who was smart and sensible and not peer-pressurey, had a boyfriend and I didn't know what was wrong with me because I still didn't want that.

 

I have noticed something different about myself through having this crush though, or at least learnt more about myself in the process, namely that I'm more up for sappy romantic stuff like holding hands and cuddling than I thought, and would possibly even compromise on a few sexual things for the right person. That could just be because the crush is in another country so I wouldn't have to worry about it most of the time, but still. A couple of years ago I wouldn't have been able to face thinking about any of those things.

 

Oh, and Welcome to AVEN!  

[Duke Memphis]

I had my first crush a few years ago. I thought she was a great person and a great friend. I didn't have many friends back then, so she made me even more hopeful about her when she asked me to sit with her at lunch. I was way too hopeful and trusting of other people back then.

 

For a year or two, I saw her in a positive light. Then I started to realize that she never cared about me at all. She constantly had her back turned to me, she always insulted me, and she used guilt to keep me as her "friend". Finally, she told me that the only reason she let me sit with her was because she pitied me.

 

She once asked me if I would be her boyfriend, believe it or not. I politely declined, admitting that I wasn't ready for a relationship. I guess that was just my subconscious warning me not to be her boyfriend.

 

I stood up to her, and I realized she only wanted me as a social status symbol. Or maybe she wanted my body. Or maybe both. She caused me to have a deep mistrust of people and close my heart to the world, which went on until this year.

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39 minutes ago, donttouchme said:

Mine was around age 12 in middle school. It was tantalizing and mesmerizing. I never wished to do anything more than speak with and look at her. The physical side never occurred to me. I remember lots of frustration over a crush because it meant she held a certain power over me. To this day I detest crushes though I am much better at exiting the situation (usually takes a week or one conversation. But if she's interesting too? then I'm do takes a month or two). If I allow myself a moment or two to feel enchanted, I may be able to describe a more complete picture of those awful emotions:

 

I remember the shine of her black hair and how it draped over her shoulders. The curve of her hand and how they were so small like white petals. As ridiculous as it sounds, it seemed everything about her was full of grace. Her eyes were the color of maple syrup and as sweet to look at. Her teeth were like shy pearls peeking beneath faintly formed dimples on rose-blushed cheeks. 

 

That's what I remember. I recognize the signs early now and they're weaker than the first time I felt such power. I do not remember ever having a sexual draw to all but one of my crushes. The one that I did only came after months of knowing each other and slowly building a foundation. It was a lot of time, a huge emotional investment, and ultimately a lot of pain. Some joy came of it but not enough to justify the pain, really. Love today feels like an imp coiled beneath the chair.  A playful, mischievous devil I'd rather not see but can tame when the time comes. I do feel some urge but never enough to act and I suppose that's why I am demi. 

That rings so true. Being that captivated... I can remember every time I caught myself doing it or after taking a look I felt weak. Not the weak at the knees expression I hear people go through but a "I am disappointed in myself" sort of weak. Like you said, it felt like they had a power over you. It also didn't help that it only served to remind you of your difference when compared to others. As I said before, I ended up adopting terms used against me to explain it. So my absence of wanting or desiring anything more after taking a look was explained away by myself as being frigid.

 

There was another girl (her name is a complete blank) when I was fifteen who lived across the street from me. I don't think I had a crush towards her, despite all my friends desiring her and being jealous of me and my closeness to her (at that time I could not understand why they was jealous). I just wanted a friend. I remember that, because I remember ending up disappointed when I found out she was using me.

 

There were some others but again as far as I can tell none were crushes or made me respond with desire.

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25 minutes ago, Duke Memphis said:

I had my first crush a few years ago. I thought she was a great person and a great friend. I didn't have many friends back then, so she made me even more hopeful about her when she asked me to sit with her at lunch. I was way too hopeful and trusting of other people back then.

 

For a year or two, I saw her in a positive light. Then I started to realize that she never cared about me at all. She constantly had her back turned to me, she always insulted me, and she used guilt to keep me as her "friend". Finally, she told me that the only reason she let me sit with her was because she pitied me.

 

She once asked me if I would be her boyfriend, believe it or not. I politely declined, admitting that I wasn't ready for a relationship. I guess that was just my subconscious warning me not to be her boyfriend.

 

I stood up to her, and I realized she only wanted me as a social status symbol. Or maybe she wanted my body. Or maybe both. She caused me to have a deep mistrust of people and close my heart to the world, which went on until this year.

Yeah, the girl across the street caused me to be even more cautious of other people. Found out in the end she was only using me to get to my cousin (who sometimes hung out with me when he visited). I was puzzled why she didn't tell me from the beginning because I would have simply introduced her to him. I don't know why but she made out I was upset because I wanted her but I was upset because I thought I had a friend. Still don't know why she did that.

 

If you don't mind me asking, why do you think she asked you to be her boyfriend?

Edited December 28, 2017 by umbasa
ask a question

[Duke Memphis]

8 minutes ago, umbasa said:

If you don't mind me asking, why do you think she asked you to be her boyfriend?

For social status and/or my body.

[Im not that creative]

I can't remember my first crush as I think I just liked the way they looked and felt pressured towards liking them due to my so called friends. I've had a recent crush and I think I only like their aesthetic and I feel odd (disgusted in a way) when I think about kissing them or when my friends joke about me having sex. Don't get me wrong, the person is visually attractive but not in any other way to me and I've just recently noticed it :/

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3 minutes ago, Duke Memphis said:

For social status and/or my body.

Oh sorry. I didn't connect the boyfriend mention to the last paragraph. I can be really hopeless sometimes. >_>

[Silk Bones]

Christopher Y.

 

He was my dearly beloved best friend, and very first crush when I was in Kindergarten. However, I didn't fully acknowledge my feelings towards him as "crushing" up until I was eight years of age. The feelings I had towards him made me realize what I truly feel when I have a crush. I didn't desire to be romantically involved with him, but I did want some type of relationship where it's a little more than just being friends.

 

Kissing him or holding his hand never came to mind. Just only sitting close to him with some space in between and appreciating the moment. I've even just wanted to stand face to face with him, look at him, and smile at him as a way of saying, "I really appreciate you a lot." (for me, that's the equivalent to saying that I really, really like a person , but that's it.)

 

At that time, I didn't notice much about myself seeing things differently from others, besides seeing people of the same gender with a.. tilted glance.. instead of vertically. Everything else started clicking when I got to my mid-teens.

[J. van Deijck]

actually, when I think about it more... his name was Jason and he was my first boyfriend.

and it was just several years ago. I was in my 20s already. for the first two months, I was really happy. but then I realised he also wanted me for my body. it just felt wrong, even though I've been denying it.

the only thing about myself that has changed is that I realised I wasn't entirely aromantic.

[doveatfirstsight]

1 hour ago, umbasa said:

For the last question... three days ago. 

I've been browsing AVEN for a couple of months, but I guess the Christmas spirit, and a bit of chill-out time to myself made me strike up the confidence to join and start posting on here! So welcome to AVEN from a fellow newcomer  

 

1 hour ago, umbasa said:

It's all come really fast at me and for the past couple of days I've been re-examining my life up to this point. I've done nothing else except be on this forum and just zoning out. Like, it feels right. True.

Yes, I know what you mean. It's a big relief for me too to finally figure out what it is that's 'different' about me. Up until a few months ago, I also thought I was just frigid because I was labelled as such - a word that I heard so often at school, and a word that definitely has an unfairly negative meaning. Now it feels a bit more positive, and it's definitely great to have a forum to discuss my feelings with people that understand them, because not many do.

 

I've also had times where I've lied to hide my ace-ness. I went on one date with one of the two girls that I may have had sexual feelings towards (like I said earlier, I'm not really sure). The second date I told her I really didn't like her, that we didn't get on, and that we had to end things. I regret that now, as I didn't even give her the chance to try and understand me. Perhaps if I'd known then what I do now, and I'd said something, she might have understood.

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27 minutes ago, doveatfirstsight said:

I've been browsing AVEN for a couple of months, but I guess the Christmas spirit, and a bit of chill-out time to myself made me strike up the confidence to join and start posting on here! So welcome to AVEN from a fellow newcomer  

 

Yes, I know what you mean. It's a big relief for me too to finally figure out what it is that's 'different' about me. Up until a few months ago, I also thought I was just frigid because I was labelled as such - a word that I heard so often at school, and a word that definitely has an unfairly negative meaning. Now it feels a bit more positive, and it's definitely great to have a forum to discuss my feelings with people that understand them, because not many do.

 

I've also had times where I've lied to hide my ace-ness. I went on one date with one of the two girls that I may have had sexual feelings towards (like I said earlier, I'm not really sure). The second date I told her I really didn't like her, that we didn't get on, and that we had to end things. I regret that now, as I didn't even give her the chance to try and understand me. Perhaps if I'd known then what I do now, and I'd said something, she might have understood.

Thanks for the welcome. 

 

Glad to see you getting as much out the discovery about yourself and this forum as I have,

 

And it's a really interesting point you touch upon there. If things would have played out differently would we have known back then what we do now. No doubt I'll be pondering that as I continue to examine my past.

[Tortuga]

For me, my crush was: Amelia D.

Amelia was/is already a good friend, and she was quite possibly the strongest crush of my life. She was the subject of platonic, aesthetic, romantic, and emotional attraction from me, i.e. someone who would make a very good partner. However, it never really got off, and she is in a (as far as I and my group of gossip network spies know) relationship with someone else. They sent her a ring, even! No hope there...  (Actually, she was the only crush I've ever had except way back in grade school with this boy named Kai. I don't remember that much about it, though.) 

[Light02]

Not counting fictional characters, my first crush was when I was 4 or 5. It was on this boy in kindergarten. It turned out he also liked me and shortly after we became "boyfriends", lol. We "dated" (whatever that means when talking about children) up until we were nine.

[:)(:]

13 hours ago, umbasa said:

Mesmerising?

Yeah that’s the word.

 

I have been listening to a song called Creep.( Better than it sounds) and it fits how I feel

 

I I look out for that person a lot. It’s an nice. feeling though and x is pretty but x is loved by 99% of the school (exaggeration but not) and people are drawn to x.

 

plus x likes someone else...

 

This is the first crush that I feel scared and impulsive mostly i have squishes on just nice people x is different.

 

I like x a lot but I wanna be a idiot and stop being friend because I feel as eill figure it out.

 

its the first time when I cried a little because I felt distant to x.

 

I wanna be aromatic so bad...   

[skatergirl]

My first crushes made me feel super normal actually! I got super invested in them, got really sad if when we didn't slow dance together at middle school dances, the whole deal  

 

It wasn't until a bit later, the first time one of my crushes liked me back, that I started realizing I was different. Because suddenly sex was attainable/easy to achieve/expected, and I was like NOPE

[nate-1234]

When I had crushes I had a strong desire to kiss them and occasionally the desire to do some sensual things. So, I thought I was normal for the longest time. However, when I look back on all my crushes, I had never thought about having sex with any of them not even with the most beautiful and "sexy" crushes I had. The thought never even crossed my mind. I know now that how I experience crushes is abnormal compared to the majority, but it feels so normal for me.

 

I thought media (comedy radio, tv, songs, films etc.) was exaggerating the enjoyment of sex, but now that I know I am asexual, I know now that what they say is what they really believe and that the extreme lust for sex is very real.

[Avee]

When I was in kindergarten I had a "husband" and then in primary school I broke up (lol) and had a brand new fiance.

My first real attraction was when I started going to highschool. That boy was a friend of my brother. He was 7 years older, but I didn't see this as an obstacle 'til I became his girlfriend and found out that he really liked sex. As a young girl (that I still am xD) I felt like I need to agree, if I want this relationship to last. Sadly, it happend too soon and was dissapointing. I was avoiding him and when I had no other choice than making love with him, I simply acted as if I was having a great time. Bad decission. Breaking up with him made me more happy than going out with him, so I decided to stay single. And then I met my second boyfriend... .