Ancients of AVEN - is it better to identify late in life?

[mindlife]

When I found this site and came out as asexual, I was 40.  I can't tell you how much tension and bad feeling just went poof!  It was gone.  I was euphoric.  Every time I'm here and I remember that process of becoming aware, reflecting, forgiving, living again, it's just wonderful.  If this sexual orientation and the community were present in my youth or slightly later, my response would have still been the same.  I would have had a larger reserve, a personal space of self-respect and dignity, certainly.  But it doesn't matter, life is what it is.  I have no bitterness and much happiness.  I thank God every day for my life and this special perspective, this way of life.

[daisylove]

Ha! I love that KLF song. 

 

I wish I had known in my 20s AND that there was the awareness that there is today. Its not a great amount of awareness and acceptance, but its there and as people become educated its growing. That makes me ecstatic for the youngsters out there.  

 

Being aware without the acceptance is kinda an uphill battle. I remember as recently as maybe 2008 or so where I was posting on a dating bulletin board about the lack of desire to have sex in a relationship, and I felt like it was something to be avoided. I was RAKED OVER THE COALS like you would not believe. There was just zero concept of asexuality, and these were mostly educated and very intelligent people. Granted, at that point I had no idea it was even a thing so I just felt marginalized and like something was wrong with me. 

 

It really caused me a LOT of pain to not know, because I spent a good portion of my life feeling like I was damaged and had all of these horrible characteristics to overcome. Like, I wanted to be "normal" but I just couldnt be. 

[will123]

23 hours ago, daisylove said:

Ha! I love that KLF song. 

 

I wish I had known in my 20s AND that there was the awareness that there is today. Its not a great amount of awareness and acceptance, but its there and as people become educated its growing. That makes me ecstatic for the youngsters out there.  

 

Being aware without the acceptance is kinda an uphill battle. I remember as recently as maybe 2008 or so where I was posting on a dating bulletin board about the lack of desire to have sex in a relationship, and I felt like it was something to be avoided. I was RAKED OVER THE COALS like you would not believe. There was just zero concept of asexuality, and these were mostly educated and very intelligent people. Granted, at that point I had no idea it was even a thing so I just felt marginalized and like something was wrong with me. 

 

It really caused me a LOT of pain to not know, because I spent a good portion of my life feeling like I was damaged and had all of these horrible characteristics to overcome. Like, I wanted to be "normal" but I just couldnt be. 

That really sucks. 

 

On the last bit I know how you feel. How do you befriend/socialize with a person when 'sex' is the elephant in the room?

[Bluewaters]

I'm new to this group, but I'm 49 and I found out I was asexual three years ago. I never really knew what made me different than others, and when I read the description of asexuality I was blown away. This, paired with aromanticism, just blew my mind. It took me a few years to process things and figure it out. I'm not sure it was a bad thing it took me so long: I respect the process. Now, I'm just getting used to this new identity and it's really exciting. I'm so happy to be here, embracing this life as an asexual. I would say it's just nice things MAKE SENSE at last. it's a relief. 

[daveb]

2 hours ago, Bluewaters said:

I'm new to this group, but I'm 49 and I found out I was asexual three years ago. I never really knew what made me different than others, and when I read the description of asexuality I was blown away. This, paired with aromanticism, just blew my mind. It took me a few years to process things and figure it out. I'm not sure it was a bad thing it took me so long: I respect the process. Now, I'm just getting used to this new identity and it's really exciting. I'm so happy to be here, embracing this life as an asexual. I would say it's just nice things MAKE SENSE at last. it's a relief. 

Welcome and  !

 

It's funny, a lot of "older" folks express similar sentiments, relief, making sense of things, etc. While many younger folk talk about things like uncertainty about their future, when it comes to how asexuality might impact it.

[Bluewaters]

7 minutes ago, daveb said:

Welcome and  !

 

It's funny, a lot of "older" folks express similar sentiments, relief, making sense of things, etc. While many younger folk talk about things like uncertainty about their future, when it comes to how asexuality might impact it.

I don't even see myself as old! But yes, I think I feel a tremendous sense of peace. There's no worry whatsoever. It all feels organic. But I well aware of the fact that it was a very unpleasant experience to arrive to that, and I do wonder...what it might have been like. You?

[daveb]

I said "older", not old.  In AVENland, where the vast majority of members are in their teens and 20s, even people in their 30s are "older".

 

It was big relief for me, when I discovered asexuality, and explained a lot. I'm glad I know who I am.

[Allport]

There needs to be more honesty about asexuality, so that it is understood and accepted early on in life. Being of the hetero-romantic sort, I have a long chain of failed relationships behind me. Typically I thought that things were going well before I was abandoned. I got hardened to it, and the gaps between relationships get longer as you get older, so the cycle becomes increasingly slow-motion. In retrospect it's obvious that I could feign an interest in sex for a while because of a more general desire for intimacy, but my longer-term lack of sexual interest precipitated the breakdowns. What's fascinating is that no woman ever came out and said to me that this was the problem - until the last one, who used the word "asexual" when dumping me, probably intended as a term of abuse. I'd never heard it before, so I looked it up, and now here I am. 

 

Age gives one a different perspective on everything, especially when you retire and the pressure comes off, and you have more opportunity to think back. So my two-cents worth is to try and sort these things out as early as possible, before you become too distanced about your fellow-people and your cynicism about them becomes too deeply ingrained.

 

A.

[Bluewaters]

3 hours ago, Allport said:

There needs to be more honesty about asexuality, so that it is understood and accepted early on in life. Being of the hetero-romantic sort, I have a long chain of failed relationships behind me. Typically I thought that things were going well before I was abandoned. I got hardened to it, and the gaps between relationships get longer as you get older, so the cycle becomes increasingly slow-motion. In retrospect it's obvious that I could feign an interest in sex for a while because of a more general desire for intimacy, but my longer-term lack of sexual interest precipitated the breakdowns. What's fascinating is that no woman ever came out and said to me that this was the problem - until the last one, who used the word "asexual" when dumping me, probably intended as a term of abuse. I'd never heard it before, so I looked it up, and now here I am. 

 

Age gives one a different perspective on everything, especially when you retire and the pressure comes off, and you have more opportunity to think back. So my two-cents worth is to try and sort these things out as early as possible, before you become too distanced about your fellow-people and your cynicism about them becomes too deeply ingrained.

 

A.

That you were called asexual as an insult really hit home for me. Actually, I was called 'asexual' as an insult an awful lot growing up, and in my adult relationships, because I did not initiate or really want to have sex. It was, as an insult, and I was insulted, thinking that everyone was just like me and this particular person [whoever it was at the time] was absolutely out of their mind and sex crazed. I think if you are seen as attractive in certain circles, and you're seen as sexy, then you have the added problem of feeling you should be sexual, since you are being sexualized. It took me a long time to realize they are not the same thing. I think there are lots of older asexuals who are older than the median in this collective, but there was not the language or acceptance of it as a term before. I have a friend who is seventy, and just last night she came to me [I had not said anything about my identity to her, but she knows I'm open minded] and started telling me she thought she was asexual, and had been her whole life. it was very emotional for her and I think a relief, and there was a lot of regret and painfulness in the telling, a lot of fear and guilt..and I felt glad to tell her I was the same, and that it was okay. So yes, I think there's much to be said for figuring it out early, but on the other hand, I wouldnt trade the experiences I've had: I feel like they made me who I am, so I feel lucky to have come to my understanding of myself through having had experiences with other people. It's helped me find the relationship I'm in now. There are few things I wish I could have skipped, but the rest, well, it is what it is. It's made me less cynical and more hopeful, because I think somehow experiencing how relationships are for many people, and how they think about sex so much, has helped me understand the culture I find myself in. Otherwise, I think it would be completely mystifying! I am however, a guerilla optimist.

[Allport]

7 hours ago, Bluewaters said:

 So yes, I think there's much to be said for figuring it out early, but on the other hand, I wouldnt trade the experiences I've had: I feel like they made me who I am, so I feel lucky to have come to my understanding of myself through having had experiences with other people. It's helped me find the relationship I'm in now. There are few things I wish I could have skipped, but the rest, well, it is what it is. It's made me less cynical and more hopeful, because I think somehow experiencing how relationships are for many people, and how they think about sex so much, has helped me understand the culture I find myself in. Otherwise, I think it would be completely mystifying! I am however, a guerilla optimist.

Thanks for contributing. I think that I'm more of a guerrilla nihilist. I feel like I've been on the wrong side of some invisible wall for most of my life, with other people conducting their lives and regarding me as something of an oddball, but nobody ever could be bothered to talk with me about it. I suppose until recently it wasn't the sort of thing that could be discussed openly, but surely with intimate partners..?  

 

It is now an over-sexed culture for whatever reasons, and sexual people have a basic physical motivation that's illustrated and embroidered by what they see in films and other media. Asexuals see the same material, and if they want to fit in they have to impersonate it, but in the longer term it can become hollow for them.

 

I no longer have the emotional involvement of your friend, but I feel that my time's been wasted. I'd be interested to hear if other Ancients feel the same way 

[Bluewaters]

5 minutes ago, Allport said:

Thanks for contributing. I think that I'm more of a guerrilla nihilist. I feel like I've been on the wrong side of some invisible wall for most of my life, with other people conducting their lives and regarding me as something of an oddball, but nobody ever could be bothered to talk with me about it. I suppose until recently it wasn't the sort of thing that could be discussed openly, but surely with intimate partners..?  

 

It is now an over-sexed culture for whatever reasons, and sexual people have a basic physical motivation that's illustrated and embroidered by what they see in films and other media. Asexuals see the same material, and if they want to fit in they have to impersonate it, but in the longer term it can become hollow for them.

 

I no longer have the emotional involvement of your friend, but I feel that my time's been wasted. I'd be interested to hear if other Ancients feel the same way 

Maybe because I've only JUST figured this all out, I'm sort of on the edge of excitement rather than regret. I haven't experienced that except in terms of, 

Damn, I wish I had not been with person x. But that's sort of a general wishing, not specific to orientation. I was just going thru Netflix tonight, and realizing how hard it is to see a film without sex in it, implied or otherwise, and it's ...frustrating. Impersonation, indeed. Years of that. There was a lot of that for me.

 

Yes, I'll be very interested too, and now I'll sit back and read whoever comments with interest. 

[Semisweet]

14 hours ago, Allport said:

Typically I thought that things were going well before I was abandoned.

I can relate to this. I typically size up most situations/individuals fairly accurately, I think (and I tend to do well on online quizzes about reading body language and facial expressions), but this "skill" usually eluded me in dating/potential relationship situations. Learning about this orientation at a time when I've long since aged out of expectations (family members', society's or my own) for pairing up has been a good thing, as I could finally feel comfortable about myself without having to disentangle a marriage or anything like that.

[perlie]

On ‎2‎/‎7‎/‎2018 at 6:02 AM, Allport said:

There needs to be more honesty about asexuality, so that it is understood and accepted early on in life. Being of the hetero-romantic sort, I have a long chain of failed relationships behind me. Typically I thought that things were going well before I was abandoned. I got hardened to it, and the gaps between relationships get longer as you get older, so the cycle becomes increasingly slow-motion. In retrospect it's obvious that I could feign an interest in sex for a while because of a more general desire for intimacy, but my longer-term lack of sexual interest precipitated the breakdowns. What's fascinating is that no woman ever came out and said to me that this was the problem - until the last one, who used the word "asexual" when dumping me, probably intended as a term of abuse. I'd never heard it before, so I looked it up, and now here I am. 

 

Age gives one a different perspective on everything, especially when you retire and the pressure comes off, and you have more opportunity to think back. So my two-cents worth is to try and sort these things out as early as possible, before you become too distanced about your fellow-people and your cynicism about them becomes too deeply ingrained.

 

A.

Oh, dear.  You just spoke for me.  I'm 62, and had just embarked upon a new physical relationship.  I didn't actually realize I was ace (aceromantic, demi) until then.  (Okay, I kind of suspected it.)  It wasn't long until my new sweetheart, just as I began to trust him enough to enjoy that physicality, decided to disappear.  I'd figured before he showed up that there wouldn't be anyone else, now I'm going through accepting that fact once more and just enjoying my solitude, as I had before.  I really miss being snuggled, though.
I do wish I'd known early on, that a definition of my sexuality had been available.  Certainly it could've saved a lot of angst, saved me and others from a sense of failure, and just given a bit of peace as I finally have gotten in my "old" age.  

[perlie]

16 hours ago, Allport said:

It is now an over-sexed culture for whatever reasons, and sexual people have a basic physical motivation that's illustrated and embroidered by what they see in films and other media. Asexuals see the same material, and if they want to fit in they have to impersonate it, but in the longer term it can become hollow for them.

 

I no longer have the emotional involvement of your friend, but I feel that my time's been wasted. I'd be interested to hear if other Ancients feel the same way 

YES.  Having been uninformed of the existence of asexuality, and trying to do that impersonation was exhausting, and dually alienating in the relationships I participated in.  I couldn't explain what I didn't know existed.  Being romantic, rather than aromantic, made me seek relationships, mostly for the closeness I craved, and not considering the difference between sexuality and romance, I quickly found those relationships, as someone else said before, hollow.  

[will123]

20 hours ago, Allport said:

 Asexuals see the same material, and if they want to fit in they have to impersonate it, but in the longer term it can become hollow for them.

Interesting perspective. For the most part I thought I was and acted hetero' (if that makes any sense) but with no interest in having sex with a female I didn't know why. I was supposed to want to have sex.